F*CKIN' DMSI!!!! (a DMSI v3.0.1b Tale)

[Benjamin]

I keep forgetting to comment that I love the new title of the journal. Your journal is one of the ones I enjoy reading out of a handfull.

[chaosvrgn]

Had an odd conversation with the Coach's daughter last night. Started out with her asking why I was being so blunt with her (as I mentioned above) to her telling me how soaked her panties were. She's gone full on crazy for me.

Convo:

Her: The part that's driving me crazy is that i can't have the full 'craziness' that is you. What makes me worthy enough of you being willing to take the time to show me the different sides of yourself?
Me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSW2zeM3yLU (NOTE: This is the remix of "Odd Look" by Kavinsky. This version features The Weeknd. If you don't feel like listening, just know that it's a dirty, sexual song.)
Her: You have me at a loss for words. And I can't say you didn't warn me. You didn't lie. You told me exactly what to expect. (Note: She's referring to when I told her that it's dangerous to fall in love with me.) I'll talk to you later... I don't know what to say.

* I roll my eyes and go silent *

Her: "Your hesitation speaks to me louder than million words per minute" (NOTE: lyrics from the song)
Me: yea?
Her: What's that mean?
Me: It means the things you don't say or do, the things you claim you're not tells me more than what you actually say.
Her: So... You're reading me?
Me: For awhile now.
Her: Well, are you going to tell me what you see?
Me: Someone trying VERY hard to appear poised and in control, when in actuality, she's got a fire in her veins, secretly craving for someone to set it free... so it can consume them both.
Her: I have to go to bed now. I don't think it's a good idea for me and you to keep talking tonight. I starting to feel weird and I don't know what that is.
Me: I'm sure you'll figure it out.

* Silence for 30 minutes *

Her: I figured it out.

* Silence for 15 minutes *

Her: I had to touch myself twice.

On another note, my baby's mama is being incredibly friendly to me. Constantly texting me. Keeps trying to start conversations. When she was here over the holidays, she kept touching my arms, telling me how built I've become from boxing and how much weight I've lost.

At the family dinner, my mother saw us chatting in the corner and later, she said my baby's mama was falling for me again. Her husband's a cool cat. He's just beta as fuck and a little angsty. My mother is urging me not to be alone with her and also that the husband was making odd faces at us, like he was suspecting something...

F*CKING DMSI. Women trying to f*ck me for just existing. I ain't doing shit. I'm just existing. Now, if I could get the other parts of my life in order. F*ck. I'd love existing.

Oh.

Went to the boxing gym earlier. There's a room in the back with a few heavy bags for private training. Went there just to kick it with a friend of mine, do some speed bag drills and the such. When I got there, there was this 6.5/10 pretty Latina with an AMAZING, AMAZING ass back there with her son. The moment I walked in, she burst into smiles, started grooming her hair. And then, kept bending over multiple times in front of me to play with the bluetooth radio. Funny thing is, the radio is buttonless. You control it from an app on your phone. She was literally making up reasons to bend over in front of me. I appreciate it, random Latina chick.

The rest of the day has been filled with rage. Like Shannon said, it seems to be rage at limitations. My own, and what people have imposed on me. I just want a chill, relaxing and free life and it seems like this society is hell bent on denying you that. They just do whatever they can to make things difficult. But whatever.

[chaosvrgn]

Crazy rant ahead. It'll resonate with some of you. It'll turn some of you off. Doesn't matter. We're here to document the effects of DMSI on our realities. And this is indeed a profound effect.

I am beginning to deeply understand the nature of this intense resistance that I'm experiencing on DMSI. Shannon was the first to call it, when he mentioned that he's finding himself extremely annoyed at the limitations -- both self-imposed and imposed upon him by other people -- that are manifesting in his life.

See, there's a side of me that I don't reveal to many people. I call it "the razor." It's something that developed early in my life, something that I've spent a significant amount of energy trying to suppress. Mainly because it terrifies other people when it arises and mainly because I have a hard time understanding and defining it myself. However, when I lose myself to it, I find that my personal successes skyrocket. The easiest way I can describe it is a state of mind in which I become extremely cold and calculating (but not necessary manipulative or immoral), detaching myself from emotional and societal considerations to observe the world in a completely objective matter. "The razor" allows me to see deep, hidden patterns in seemingly disparate pieces of data and make decisions based on what I'm seeing.

For example, when I'm engaged with the razor while seducing a woman, I don't see her as a fully realized human being. I see variables. Information. Things that allow me to build a mental model of this person. An IOI here. A slip of the tongue that reveals her inner state there. All these things allows me to build a "mental model" of her, and then I can proceed to act in a manner that will allow me to reach whatever goal I desire.

Look at my conversations with the Coach's Daughter. I've had people ask me if I'm making them up because they seem scripted. No, I'm not making them up. Ask the people in the Skype chat -- I show them the raw screenshots straight from my phone while the conversation is happening. The reason why it feels so scripted is because it IS. When I say something to her, I've already anticipated her likely response and prepared the next response, which will undoubtedly push me forward to my goal.

There will be those who read this and try to apply their personal views of morality to it. They will get annoyed and say things like, "It wouldn't work on me." They will attempt to suppress it through shame, or some other mechanism in an attempt of ego-preservation.

The fact of the matter is, the razor is a part of me. I suspect it's an INTP / ENTP thing. And I have allowed society suppress it for far too long. There are times when I feel downright guilty for being successful at something -- whether it's landing a new piece of ass or rocking someone in boxing class (the razor helps A LOT with fighting) -- because society has shamed me for engaging in an instinct that it feels is immoral.

There are times when I have allowed my personal boundaries to be walked over, stomped on because I felt the coldness rising in me and I opted to let myself be abused rather than unleashed that blade and go at it.

Society, you have been called out. Do not, for any reason try to wrap your arbitrary limitations around me because you cannot face your own fears. From the boxing coach that keeps trying to persuade me not to become a pro boxer because he's terrified that he doesn't have the skills to train a world-class fighter to the individuals that I keep encountering lately who try to call my professional competence into question to hide their own lack of ability.

If you try, there will be no holding back. I am integrating "the razor" as a healthy part of my everyday, normal psyche. Not something I "summon" when under stress and duress. And that means I'll be spitting daggers left and right to those who stand in my way.

[DarthXedonias]

See, there's a side of me that I don't reveal to many people. I call it "the razor." It's something that developed early in my life, something that I've spent a significant amount of energy trying to suppress. Mainly because it terrifies other people when it arises and mainly because I have a hard time understanding and defining it myself. However, when I lose myself to it, I find that my personal successes skyrocket. The easiest way I can describe it is a state of mind in which I become extremely cold and calculating (but not necessary manipulative or immoral), detaching myself from emotional and societal considerations to observe the world in a completely objective matter. "The razor" allows me to see deep, hidden patterns in seemingly disparate pieces of data and make decisions based on what I'm seeing.

I find it interesting that you mentioned this. I didn't mention this before but that night when I almost had that psychotic episode afterwards I felt very cold and calculating. It was like a bunch of moral rules I had made up for myself or had been put on me by other people had just up and vanished. Part of me was scared (for just a few mins) but I kinda of just pushed that away and it felt very freeing to be this way. I don't know if you felt similar but for me it wasn't just cold and calculating either. Whereas I usually took in moral considerations when making certain decisions I find myself more and more at just looking at it from a cost/benefit para-dime. Its like I don't really give a crap "morals" as much. Doesn't mean if I have a goal and someone is in the way I'm going to kill them or anything. I wouldn't do it because the benefit to myself would be little while the cost to myself would be very high. Sounds kinda of bad when I type it out like that but just being honest. One of my first thoughts was, "Dang, this must be what Varys and Peter Baelish (Game of Thrones) must feel like". Weirdly enough, I've been having the feeling to listen to the audio book for "The Prince" by Niccolò Machiavelli again.

I am interested if this is indeed a INTP thing since I am one as well (since you mentioned previously you can't actually change your type).

[ReeZoX]

"The razor" allows me to see deep, hidden patterns in seemingly disparate pieces of data and make decisions based on what I'm seeing.

For example, when I'm engaged with the razor while seducing a woman, I don't see her as a fully realized human being. I see variables. Information. Things that allow me to build a mental model of this person. An IOI here. A slip of the tongue that reveals her inner state there. All these things allows me to build a "mental model" of her, and then I can proceed to act in a manner that will allow me to reach whatever goal I desire.

I've already anticipated her likely response and prepared the next response, which will undoubtedly push me forward to my goal.

The fact of the matter is, the razor is a part of me. I suspect it's an INTP / ENTP thing. And I have allowed society suppress it for far too long. There are times when I feel downright guilty for being successful at something -- whether it's landing a new piece of ass or rocking someone in boxing class (the razor helps A LOT with fighting) -- because society has shamed me for engaging in an instinct that it feels is immoral.

This.

Damn you hit the nail with the hammer

I'm an ENTJ (a barely non-existent (under 5% difference between intuition/sensing) though), but I can definitely see myself with what you're saying here.

I can definitely be a ruthless person, but since I know how other people would react (extroversion) I limit myself so I can get them do to the thing I want them to do, by making them wanna do it (for me). But I don't consider my "self-control" of limiting myself as a weakness. I can use my extroversion to figure out how to get the thing(s) I want without hurting another person (critically) if possible. Yes, this could be considered manipulative but it's how I work as a human.

[Have at ye]

I can totally relate to that. Hell, a lot of the internal trouble I had and am having - and the external troubles springing from it - are the result of myself limiting myself. And I guess that 95% of the time it sprang from the fear-based reactions I tend to elicit in other people when I express what I actually *know* and *feel*.

The fear based reactions would usually involve incessant nagging that what I'm thinking or doing is wrong or immoral, or unethical, or just *wrong*.

While in fact there's nothing immoral about using one's higher reasoning capabilities to their full extent. It's actually immoral to suppress it. I've been having this one thought occurring to me lately, and I've decided to make it my one commandment: Evolve or Die.

EDIT

Interesting trivia fact: INTP here.

[Shawn]

I cannot relate to the cold and calculating part, but to the part where you suppress a part of you to play by society rules.

[blackwing Z]

So basically, you're a savage lmao <3

[chaosvrgn]

It's not that I'm a savage. When dealing with people and partners, my goal is ALWAYS to make sure that everyone is happy with the end results. I'm not heartless and I'm not trying to cheat people. It's just that... if you're standing in my way and I don't feel that your reasoning is legit (for example, you're projecting YOUR fears onto me, or while reveling in your fear, you stand in my way), I see no problem with (metaphorically) cutting you down.

Anyway, I f*cked up -- or did I?

Since my kid's out of town, I decided to play v3a over my speakers instead of listening to it via headphones. Wasn't paying attention to VLC. Didn't realize that I had the playlist set to REPEAT. I've been exposed to about 6 and a half loops of v3a.

I've spent most of the day in a state of emotional chaos. One moment, I'm feeling incredibly optimistic, upbeat and powerful, looking forward to the rest of my life. Twenty seconds later, I'm down in the dumps, wondering how I wasted so much of my life and how I don't have anything to show for it. Then, it'll flip to a state of complete apathy, where I don't care about anything and would be content to just sit in a room and become a neckbeard. Then, I'll start having vivid images of boxing techniques and strategies and can I see myself dominating everyone as a pro-fighter. Then, I flip back to wondering "what's the use of it all," and thinking about just fading away into nothingness.

There's a war being waged within me. Old paradigms versus new paradigms. The sub is aggressively pushing me toward greatness, but I simply can't let go of the things that were done to me in the past. Earlier, I started having more random memories from childhood spring up. An incident that occurred in KINDERGARTEN (I'm freaking 31, guys) when I got really dressed up for school and thought I looked absolutely dapper. While walking down the hallway, I overheard a girl say that I was ugly, and it ruined my day.

Who the hell would've thought that decades later my subconscious was still holding on to that memory? That it's STILL AFFECTING me a quarter of a century later? And things like this have been happening all day. Just old, stagnant memories that I would've NEVER EVER thought of, rising to the forefront of my mind.

It has to be the clearing. I'm a bit excited that I'm pulling memories from childhood. I hope that means it's gotten past most of the crap that's happened as an adult and it's digging into the very roots of the issue. When I think back to some of the f*cked up things women have done to me as an adult, I don't get the same feeling of visceral hatred as I did before. So, that's some serious progress.

In other sub related news, manifestations are up. I'm getting some wicked Tinder and OkCupid matches. Very, very beautiful women (and some not so beautiful). I'm just not in the mental state to seduce or go after them. I'm debating shutting the accounts down and just healing, but I feel like that's a form of resistance. So, starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start seducing for sport. Even if I'm not interested in going out with them. Just gonna keep my skills fresh.

Also, in other news, I got a text from an old female friend. The one from the Kanye concert. We had a falling out over Donald Trump about a week after his election. Can't go into it, but we didn't speak from that day all the way until yesterday. She texted me, asked if we could just squash the whole thing.

I'm actually planning to attend his inauguration. I've never been to one, plus it's just a 3 hour drive. I'm gonna see if she'll let me stay with her. Not sure if she has a boyfriend or anything since we've been out of contact, but honestly, I don't give a sh*t. If I end up going, I'm running v3b.

On another note... I'm a bit perturbed at how... tame I seem now. I look at my old journals and there was a time when I would get beyond excited to run DMSI and do some hoodrat sh*t. Now, I'm so introspective, so... focused on business. I hope it's a good thing.

[Shannon]

Growing into something bigger is not a binary journey, my friend.

You'll find this interesting, though.

Walked into Wal Mart earlier this evening looking for a microSD card. It was late, so I had to hunt down the employee with the unlock key. This turns out to have been an attractive black woman. Tell her I need an SD card, and she starts walking to the electronics section, with me following close behind. I'm focused on that SD card and getting home to get back to work, not even noticing her, when I smell a very light, very feminine, very beautiful fragrance coming from her. Out of my mouth comes... "That is a really nice fragrance you're wearing." I am still consciously focused on getting the SD card and haven't even registered what I said yet. She replies with a thank you.

On the way from the electronics department to the registers at the front, she says to me, "I like to mix fragrances. This is actually two fragrances that I apply together." I momentarily have no idea why she said that. Then my conscious mind and focus return to the present, and I instantly replay what just happened. Before I am even finished, I say, "Interesting. I happen to be a perfumer." and then we are having an interesting conversation about fragrance. She says to me that she is intrigued. I comment that it sounds like she might enjoy learning perfumery, and she concurs that she would.

Before she leaves the front, I flag her down and say to her, "By the way, if you think you'd enjoy learning, I can teach you about perfumery." She lights up. "Okay! I would like that."

"Okay," I say. "I'll give you my phone number."

"Here," she says, "Let me give you mine instead." She enters her phone number in my phone where the name field is, and says, "Name's ____."

"Okay, I'll be in touch," I say.

Then I completely forgot about it until I was sitting down eating a little while later. I pull out my phone, and send her a text saying hello and asking her to tell me when she's interested in getting together.

Did I just manage to set up a date for myself with a woman I didn't even know the name of, and get her to give me her number when I was trying to get her to take mine? This is very intriguing. It was so comfortable, natural, fluid and automatic... I can't see me having done this sort of thing before DMSI 3.0.1-A. Apparently, it's either still running, or I have become something much more sexy and confident than before....

[NoLimit]

Did I just manage to set up a date for myself with a woman I didn't even know the name of, and get her to give me her number when I was trying to get her to take mine? This is very intriguing. It was so comfortable, natural, fluid and automatic... I can't see me having done this sort of thing before DMSI 3.0.1-A. Apparently, it's either still running, or I have become something much more sexy and confident than before....

Yeah you sexy beast!

[mat422]

"The razor" definitely seems like an INTP thing. What's interesting to me though is why you felt a need to repress this part of yourself. Would you say it was more fear based or just a general concern for the well being of others when you release it? I know some INTPs have a tendency to go off the deep end with this stuff and get so lost in the cold calculating logic part they lose a bit of their humanity and then have to regain that emotional balance again. Some of them are so far gone that they've taken to the security of being able to map out and predict the behavior of others as opposed to connecting on a human level. But that's really unhealthy INTP behavior. Anyway from the sound of it it seems like you're well developed at this point to integrate it back into your psyche.

[maxx55]

Growing into something bigger is not a binary journey, my friend.

You'll find this interesting, though.

Walked into Wal Mart earlier this evening looking for a microSD card. It was late, so I had to hunt down the employee with the unlock key. This turns out to have been an attractive black woman. Tell her I need an SD card, and she starts walking to the electronics section, with me following close behind. I'm focused on that SD card and getting home to get back to work, not even noticing her, when I smell a very light, very feminine, very beautiful fragrance coming from her. Out of my mouth comes... "That is a really nice fragrance you're wearing." I am still consciously focused on getting the SD card and haven't even registered what I said yet. She replies with a thank you.

On the way from the electronics department to the registers at the front, she says to me, "I like to mix fragrances. This is actually two fragrances that I apply together." I momentarily have no idea why she said that. Then my conscious mind and focus return to the present, and I instantly replay what just happened. Before I am even finished, I say, "Interesting. I happen to be a perfumer." and then we are having an interesting conversation about fragrance. She says to me that she is intrigued. I comment that it sounds like she might enjoy learning perfumery, and she concurs that she would.

Before she leaves the front, I flag her down and say to her, "By the way, if you think you'd enjoy learning, I can teach you about perfumery." She lights up. "Okay! I would like that."

"Okay," I say. "I'll give you my phone number."

"Here," she says, "Let me give you mine instead." She enters her phone number in my phone where the name field is, and says, "Name's ____."

"Okay, I'll be in touch," I say.

Then I completely forgot about it until I was sitting down eating a little while later. I pull out my phone, and send her a text saying hello and asking her to tell me when she's interested in getting together.

Did I just manage to set up a date for myself with a woman I didn't even know the name of, and get her to give me her number when I was trying to get her to take mine? This is very intriguing. It was so comfortable, natural, fluid and automatic... I can't see me having done this sort of thing before DMSI 3.0.1-A. Apparently, it's either still running, or I have become something much more sexy and confident than before....

Quick question, Shannon. Since this kind of behavior/situation is different for you and you know it's because of the changes DMSI have made, does this mean that you will definitely at some point end up having sex with her?

In other words, since DMSI brought you to where you are with her, is it possible for you to not be able to go all the way to sex with her or is it guaranteed?

[Shadow2200]

I say go for it.