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+--- Thread: EHPRA Journal (/Thread-EHPRA-Journal)
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-20-2016
It just occurred to me that my difficulty with a lot of this self growth is due to my perfectionism. No matter what I do I tend to feel it's not good enough. So one day I might push past my anxiety and do something. But the next day I might feel depressed for whatever reason. And instead of giving myself self compassion and understanding in these times of need I have a tendency to just criticize myself for not being past all this and not letting go of it. When I struggle with anxiety instead of telling myself it's ok, I compare myself to other people who don't deal with it and just make myself feel worse. I even feel bad for not being able to remain positive at times.
These past few days I've been pushing past my procrastination and I've got stuff done. But it doesn't last long. It's like a horrible cycle of constantly fighting to get stuff done and when I burn out I can't keep going and I berate myself for it. I've been teaching myself web design, but since it's a new thing and I suck at it, there's always that anxiety hovering around. This is the exact same stuff I've dealt with through the years that made me less likely to pick up a casual hobby or try something new. I used to think it was a fear of failure, but it's not really a fear. It's more like I always feel like my self worth is tied into these things and I'm a terrible person if I'm not good enough at it.
But I managed to finish a song I've been working on. I just got so fed up with everything in my life I said screw it, I don't care about finding a job or worrying about money I just want to enjoy something. So I just worked on this with the focus of just making music, not good music, just finishing something. Probably not anyone's cup of tea, but here it is https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/passage-of-time
RE: EHPRA Journal - CatMan - 07-20-2016
(07-20-2016, 12:28 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I just worked on this with the focus of just making music, not good music, just finishing something. Probably not anyone's cup of tea...
There's quite a lot of disclaimers, self censoring in there.
If you do something, do it the best you can and be satisfied with your output. Let others decide if it's their "cup of tea" or not. They will do that anyway. If they don't respond the way you want, improve it after. But, all the while, put out the best you can AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Benjamin - 07-20-2016
I like it man.. kind of similar to chillout music I listen to but with something else thrown in. Definately my cup of tea.. cos i'm trying to drink less coffee
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-20-2016
(07-20-2016, 01:54 PM)CatMan Wrote:(07-20-2016, 12:28 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I just worked on this with the focus of just making music, not good music, just finishing something. Probably not anyone's cup of tea...
There's quite a lot of disclaimers, self censoring in there.
If you do something, do it the best you can and be satisfied with your output. Let others decide if it's their "cup of tea" or not. They will do that anyway. If they don't respond the way you want, improve it after. But, all the while, put out the best you can AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
I needed that, thanks. Hiding behind the "it's not really that good" act is something I'm going to break out of. Your post got me thinking about things in general though, so there's probably gonna be some introspective thoughts at the bottom of this post.
(07-20-2016, 04:51 PM)Benjamin Wrote: I like it man.. kind of similar to chillout music I listen to but with something else thrown in. Definately my cup of tea.. cos i'm trying to drink less coffee
Thanks. I actually fell asleep to a chillout radio station one night must have leaked into my subconscious haha.
Anyway I'm done with this negativity stuff. Though I've improved, I now recognize a lot of this negativity that isn't going away is really just a shapeshifting chameleon form of resistance. These are just problems and negative beliefs my mind is generating to keep me from changing. It's like giving me an impossible puzzle to solve in order to distract me. And the only way out of it is to just do something different. To pretty much change my thinking from negative to positive. I'm not in as bad of shape as I believe myself to be, this is just another block I need to overcome to keep moving forward. From now on I'm not telling myself "but I still have belief or problem x therefore I can't change yet", now it's all about figuring out what the problem is and changing it. No matter how uncomfortable, wrong, or tiring it can be. I can't know 100% what holds me back at times, but I know for sure even if I do understand it on an intellectual level it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. All that matters is my state of mind and what I believe. No more focus on clearing negative emotions or obsessing over them. It's all about reorienting myself to the positive and building off of that. That means no more posts that fuel that excessive rumination on the negative because I've realized it's less of a release or venting and more like classical conditioning where I reward myself for focusing on the negative. I can't have that anymore. Things have to change. And in order to change I have to create that change.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-22-2016
So instead of my usual verbose posts, I'll condense this one down. There's a lot about healing I had misconceptions about that slowed my progress. Being too attached to the story behind what needs to be released is one of them. When you live with things like anxiety or depression for a while, there are a lot of beliefs you start building surrounding life and "reality". On top of that sometimes support groups reinforce these beliefs. If you hold onto these stories as the truth you never grow. You really have to question everything you think you know and challenge it. That being said, a few changes I've made.
1. I've started doing a visualization meditation every morning on what I want in my life. It's mostly been focused on actually building up my skill of visualization which is lacking. But I make sure whatever it is I'm focusing on I feel authentically and truly desire and that it's not just a passing desire.
2. I think I've been ignoring the self-regulation instructions for E2 and took on way too much at once thinking you have to suffer a lot to get better. I'm a bit headstrong and stubborn at times. I'll subject myself to a lot of pain if I believe it'll get me somewhere faster. Now I'm taking things in small chunks. E2 brings it up, I release it, then I move onto the next thing. Much more productive than trying to plow through everything at once.
3. When I find myself in anxious situations I practice deep breathing and remind myself this anxiety is me. I'm creating it and I have control over it. No matter how much I believe I don't in that moment of panic, I do.
4. Focusing on my strengths instead of weaknesses. I've focused on my negatives for so long I made the mistake that I didn't have any strengths. Focusing on my strengths helps me feel better about myself and recognize my capabilities instead of constantly underestimating myself.
That's all for now. It's still going to be a journey, but I'm ok with that now. I know I have all the insight and wisdom I ever need to live a happy life, it's just a matter of practicing it and staying with it.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-25-2016
So the other day I was working on learning some web development and building a portfolio site. On a side note maybe not the most productive thing to listen to E2 while working on something as intensely logical as programming. I hit a wall and was getting incredibly frustrated. I got really angry. Then I got really depressed. And then this transitioned to a "why the hell am I doing any of this?" moment. I questioned if I even really enjoyed learning programming. There are some aspects I definitely enjoy, but like a lot of things in my life that joy is stomped out by my perfectionism. That night as I laid down in bed E2 my mind was like a flipbook flying through all these thoughts on what I'm "supposed" to be doing with my life. Contrary to what I said in my earlier post I'm realizing that it really is all the negatives that hold you back and no amount of slapping the positive over that will change anything if you don't get to the core. It's almost like dealing with a virus on a computer, if you had a backdoor trojan you sure as hell wouldn't decide to write down all your valuable info otherwise the trojan gets a hold of it and makes it worthless.
Anyway I realized I've been valuing my self worth over how much growth I've had on this program. Not really valuing the actual growth, just how I appear to others. I care too much what other people think of me. That night there was a lot of emotional release over this. It felt like the mask I've been wearing for years was being pulled off and my real self was revealed. And I discovered I don't know what the hell I actually want. I've just been told what I want all my life. Get money, get status, get love, get new expensive toys, etc. About 90% of my motivation for ANYTHING was based in fear, guilt, or shame. I've come to realize it's a rare moment when I'm actually driven by positive emotions and that's definitely something that needs to change for me.
So I guess I'm back to my wordy posts. I'm naturally an introspective guy with a lot on my mind and I guess not a lot of places to say it. This post felt different than all my other ones though. Just more genuine with nothing to hide really. No preoccupation with being perceived as negative, positive, improving, etc. Just telling it how it is, just being.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-25-2016
I'm going to be using a bach flower essence blend I bought starting today. I've read some good things about it and lately I've just very open minded towards everything no matter how far out it seems.
I think this is the optimus engine at work. I pretty much stumbled onto the flower essences the other day and just went with my intuition. I always felt in the past that I had to do everything with the subliminal alone, which I feel is really foolish now. Being open to other things that might accelerate my growth and aid healing is really important. In general I've just been watching for signs in my life you could say. Like hints from the universe.
Completely unrelated to emotional healing but I thought was kind of interesting. A few weeks ago I bought a video of a seminar of a music producer I like. I haven't gotten around to watching it yet. But I set up an artist radio on spotify with him and the first track I heard I really liked. Then I was like damn, if only I got insight into how he made this track. Then I remembered I bought that seminar with him and it turns out that exact track is what he covered in his seminar. I was thinking to myself what an amazingly awesome coincidence.
RE: EHPRA Journal - JackOfHearts - 07-25-2016
Use Star of Bethlehem first, it's the most important, it makes the other flower work better if you use this one first or in the first blend. And don't trust what it's written on the bottle, sometimes it's not accurate or not descriptive enough.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-27-2016
I actually used star of Bethlehem for a bit before. It helped me for a while, but I wanted to try different essences. Right now I'm using a blend of mimulus, pine, chicory, and agrimony.
RE: EHPRA Journal - JackOfHearts - 07-27-2016
You can try larch also, it's for self confidence.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-29-2016
I'm just gonna make this post a stream of consciousness kind of one. Usually I plan out what I have to say and kind of have an overall theme, but for this post I figured I'd just journal. This is probably gonna get vague and metaphorical because that's how my mind generally works.
Anway, E2 as been touching on stuff that I can't really understand on a conscious level yet. I don't know how to describe it better than that. It's like I need to finish learning some kind of lesson before I can apply it in my life. Some part of me gets it, but there's another part that doesn't want to fully embrace it. A lot of my posts I think are just me trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of thoughts beating around in my head and I'm starting to think I can't put a lot of it into words. I can try but ultimately I feel like I can't quite grasp what it is I'm feeling. I think that adds to a lot of my frustration and it's important to journal about that as well. Sometimes it feels like my head is filling up with thoughts and it'll explode like a balloon, there is no real outlet for them except my music.
I think it's probably an intense tug of war between different parts of my mind. And I'm still seeking to control the process. So one part of my mind is like "ok I'll change, no not that, no, no, no" it's being very selective in what it wants. If I had 50 items on a list, it would probably cross out all but one. So it's like how do you let go of that fear of losing control and start to trust more? Clearly willing myself to trust more doesn't work, I've tried that and it just results in a lot of mental effort that amounts to nothing.
And I'm aware more than ever now of my behaviors that contribute to my unhappiness. But at times it's like having this higher awareness but still being dragged along by old habits. And my high awareness just wants to facepalm and be like "dude seriously, again?"
But in a way it's all progress. At least I'm not in that negativity anymore and identifying with it. Right now it feels like the main objective is to stop being controlled by it on a subconscious level. But the procrastination definitely comes and goes. Some days I feel like I finally beat it and other days it's like I can't do a single thing without it feeling like some huge ordeal. The inconsistency of it all is what really gets to me at times because I have this assumption that I should be feeling a certain way most days and when it doesn't feel that way I'm too hard on myself.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-31-2016
I think the best way to grow sometimes is to really watch your actions and what your inner state is. Today I wanted to talk about appeasement behavior. So I find a lot of the time I'm dealing with anxiety it's based in fear and people's view of me. I'll preemptively be overly nice to kind of eliminate the chance of being rejected if I be myself. I hate it so much. It pretty much feels like I'm giving away my power to people and letting them decide if I have worth as a human being or not. I'm so drained from this. I'm naturally a quiet kept to myself kind of a person and all my life I've got never ending comments that point to the fact that's not ok. That's pretty much the reason why I'm so high strung around other people because I feel like I can't be myself, I pretty much have to act the part of someone else because my natural self isn't acceptable.
I just really want to shed this armor or whatever it is I have covering my real self to the outside world. I can't live like this anymore. I used to think I was so messed up and wrong for being the way I am. But now I see it's just because I grew up in a world where I wasn't understood and people shamed who I was.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Greenduck - 08-02-2016
Be yourself. People will be confused, but let them be. They have chosen to be with you and therefore they need to accept it. Start bit by bit, and break out of that shell. You can do it.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Rennus - 08-03-2016
(07-29-2016, 09:30 AM)mat422 Wrote: I'm just gonna make this post a stream of consciousness kind of one. Usually I plan out what I have to say and kind of have an overall theme, but for this post I figured I'd just journal. This is probably gonna get vague and metaphorical because that's how my mind generally works.
Anway, E2 as been touching on stuff that I can't really understand on a conscious level yet. I don't know how to describe it better than that. It's like I need to finish learning some kind of lesson before I can apply it in my life. Some part of me gets it, but there's another part that doesn't want to fully embrace it. A lot of my posts I think are just me trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of thoughts beating around in my head and I'm starting to think I can't put a lot of it into words. I can try but ultimately I feel like I can't quite grasp what it is I'm feeling. I think that adds to a lot of my frustration and it's important to journal about that as well. Sometimes it feels like my head is filling up with thoughts and it'll explode like a balloon, there is no real outlet for them except my music.
I think it's probably an intense tug of war between different parts of my mind. And I'm still seeking to control the process. So one part of my mind is like "ok I'll change, no not that, no, no, no" it's being very selective in what it wants. If I had 50 items on a list, it would probably cross out all but one. So it's like how do you let go of that fear of losing control and start to trust more? Clearly willing myself to trust more doesn't work, I've tried that and it just results in a lot of mental effort that amounts to nothing.
And I'm aware more than ever now of my behaviors that contribute to my unhappiness. But at times it's like having this higher awareness but still being dragged along by old habits. And my high awareness just wants to facepalm and be like "dude seriously, again?"
But in a way it's all progress. At least I'm not in that negativity anymore and identifying with it. Right now it feels like the main objective is to stop being controlled by it on a subconscious level. But the procrastination definitely comes and goes. Some days I feel like I finally beat it and other days it's like I can't do a single thing without it feeling like some huge ordeal. The inconsistency of it all is what really gets to me at times because I have this assumption that I should be feeling a certain way most days and when it doesn't feel that way I'm too hard on myself.
I'm struggling with this right now. So fucking much, dude. It seems like my mind tries to control every little thing or is shelled in by 'rules' or mental constructs on all sides.