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+--- Thread: AM 5.0 Journal (/Thread-AM-5-0-Journal)
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-05-2013
yes, very true Shannon. I like the "She'll be missing out on me" type of mentality, I've usually been the one who thinks that I'll be losing value by not meeting people etc. which left me feeling down on myself and low self esteem, recently however I have been thinking in the "they'll miss out if they don't meet me" mentality which really helps me and feels great!
Today I took the dog for a walk to the park and the river. The past two walks I have been seeing girls look at me way more, I walked past this one she was coming the opposite side of the road on otherside of pavement as we walked past I kept my head straight forward but I could see her out of the corner of my eye looking at me, so I turned my head slowly and grinned at her she then looked away and down at the floor almost blushing then looked back at me again then away in a sort of flurry lol.
I also had some woman come sit near my bench on the grass by the lake with her kid, she was sitting just in sight of my bench and kept glancing over at me several times, another woman passes me by with her dog and suddenly asks me how old my dog is with a smile, so I chat with her for a bit, staying in the same position, leaning back with my leg crossed (not over lap) and arms stretched out on sides of the bench, Usually I would've been so shocked if a stranger woman came and spoke to me randomly I would've shifted forward leaning towards her with wide beta eyes lol! she laughed a bit and went running on waving me bye.
And last of all I walked back down the road towards home and I see two girls in a car go past staring at me, I stare back with a smile and then I suddenly get another girl on a bench next to the pavement asking me for a filter for a cig, she had a cheeky grin on her face, I said "no I don't, sorry" calmly and carried on walking. "awww okay no problem!" she says.
overall getting alot more looks and attention from women like they are actually noticing me for once...haha not feeling like I need to take action and go speak with them just yet though...it's like I don't really give a crap.
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-07-2013
Had some more interesting dreams last night, one was almost lucid, kinda semi-lucid.
I was on a boat with a group of people and I see a hot, femenine girl who I know about in real life (goes to my old school) and she's sitting next to this guy who looks like he's trying to impress her and manipulate her into sex or something. So I go over and I just be myself and genuine and I make her laugh and giggle etc. I also point out to the other guy that he's over so pack your shit up and get out lol. I then find myself walking in a gloomy kinda forest with this girl, I think to myself, I'd love to find somewhere that we could just stay and have sex and as soon as I started walking towards this place, an evil looking bald guy with a knife starts talking to me.
"I'm going to kill you" he says, I start to resist in the dream wishing that I could just for once do what I wanted and go have sex with this sexy hot girl instead of now being threatened by some random hobo-looking bald man. But as always in dreams the more you resist the more it happens. So this guy starts walking over to me, knife in hand. I start to think of what I could do to stop him or how to get away but suddenly I just feel this complete and utter anger for him messing up my chance with this girl and I run over to him and shout "GET OUT OF MY LIFE, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" at the top of my voice, and I keep walking straight with my arm pointing towards the exit, "GET OUT OF MY LIFE NOW, AND NEVER COME BACK!" the knife man looked scared out of his mind and ran down this path in the woods and I didn't see him again. After that the dream kinda faded and I don't remember what happens next.
I felt kinda conscious when I started shouting at this guy with all the power and energy I had, so it was semi lucid almost.
Interesting dream though, I'd be interested in hearing what you guys think?
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - Ryan - 06-07-2013
Perhaps, you feel like you constantly have a block / undeserving feeling of not getting what you want (sex) that has been holding you back and you are getting over that
Ryan
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-07-2013
(06-07-2013, 07:49 AM)Ryan Wrote: Perhaps, you feel like you constantly have a block / undeserving feeling of not getting what you want (sex) that has been holding you back and you are getting over that
Ryan
Mhmm, quite possibly Ryan, I've grown up in a Christian family where sex is an awkward topic, sex before marrige is bad/frowned upon. I'm 17 and a virgin, I've messed around with a few girls before but nothing more although I'd love to have a great relationship sex n all with a girl. I've deffo got a high sex drive and high testosterone but I wanna use it! Lol frustrating
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - rayrocanaldo - 06-08-2013
I'm sure you are going to have some good adventures to tell about concerning women on your journey through this sub.
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - Alec - 06-08-2013
Woah, another kid on the forum! Sometimes I feel like the only one here. Btw we have very similar backgrounds as well. Good to hear from ya
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-10-2013
Had a load of weird dreams last night, can't remember much of them though, I remember sitting in a chair looking out the window being massaged by someone, felt so nice and relaxing...
@Alec Good to hear from you too, I got no problem with religion and it's ideas but I hate the effects some of it's rules and traditions have on people, limiting beliefs, guilt trips lol
@ray I bloody well hope so! feel like a caged animal hehe
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-10-2013
Day 20 - stage 2: I'm pretty damn sure stage 2 is removing some limiting sexual beliefs/energy or something cause I've had so many dreams about sexual related stuff, Being massaged by a woman, flirting and wanting to have sex, getting angry at a guy who stopped me from having sex and challenging him, tigers (animals of sexuality) etc.
Figured out kinda what the massage dream means, I was sitting in a chair looking out of a window, I was kinda reclining in the chair, this woman comes over and asks me if i want a massage, so i say yes and damn it felt nice!
my interpretation is that I'm opening more oportunities for myself and taking them (window) but I also lack sexual intimacy maybe I need to relax? (massage) the fact that the woman massaging me was my old councillor is intersting too ;p
Yesterday me and this swiss girl who stays with us were watching TV and we were talking, laughing and flirting a little (I still kinda hesitate when it comes to flirting, I guess it's fear of being laughed at or noticed for flirting still feel guilt or shame) but often it doesn't happen that I make a girl laugh so genuinley that she put her hand on my shoulder as she was laughing, I also noticed she was behaving kinda femenine, slightly more than usual... yanno, open and receptive smily and giggly I was like o.0 interesting... hehe.
I want girls damnit! -_-
Also haven't busted a nut in 3 days (on and off nofap), love the feeling in your stomach/sexual organ areas, feeling of being fully loaded LOL. sexual energy is strong.
keep getting hunches that there's a possibility that i'll get laid this year, dunno just a hunch. (18 in november can't wait)
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-10-2013
Edit: My typical style of flirting is with eye contact and grinning and giving them "that look" I'm not much of a body contact person, would love to be more like that though cause girls love it. I used to give people hugs all the time and I wish I was like that again, In the past 3-4 years I have definately becomes more closed, but I feel like im opening up more, COME ON !!!
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-11-2013
So today I've been feeling a bit up and down, noticed some real beta habits coming back like neediness, insecurity, getting upset if nobody seems interested to talk to me, and jealousy.
Earlier me, this swiss girl, my grandad and this new norweigean girl all went on a walk to the beach. This new norweigean girl was talking to the swiss girl who i'm fairly comfortable with and we get on well plus some flirting, im pretty sure she likes me. And I kinda walked along side them both as they were talking not really adding much into the conversation, I was kinda holding back cause I felt that they'd rather not me join in... so I just walked on ahead feeling kinda betrayed by the swiss girl for not trying to talk to me (I know, sad as f*** right?) but as silly as it seems this felt bad and I knew it was insecurity and bull**** but I just felt so needy and pathetic/rejected. I tried to just go off and do my own thing but I couldn't really take my mind off of the situation.
Another thing is in the evenings me and the swiss girl usually stay up and watch TV til about 11 and we usually have a good time, but last night she didn't come down to watch TV for whatever reason, so instead of getting up and doing something more productive I sat there hoping she'd come down...I knew it was silly and beta lol.
Just wondering if it's standard for people to go through phases of old behavior and neediness beta sad ****?
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-12-2013
Feeling angry and defensive this evening, in an anti social mood. Pissed off with everything
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-12-2013
Not sure if this is resistance or if AM is working on something...
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-14-2013
haven't been noticing much from AM recently, I think im hitting resistance my thoughts are "AM isn't working" "You've always been like this" "see you've acted beta again, how can AM work?" and it pisses me off, been feeling needy and jealous again and giving a shit about everything. fuck sake. -_-
RE: AM 5.0 Journal - AlphaScorpio - 06-14-2013
I feel dissatisfied with many aspects of life