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+--- Thread: Wylde side (PM 5.11g) (/Thread-Wylde-side-PM-5-11g)
Wylde side (PM 5.11g) - LionKing - 01-05-2025
I have been running this and that sub but have not felt any want to journal. I'm in a fairly steady place in my life right now, so not much happening in the arenas that I used to write about. But with PM, I've been getting this want to write sometimes, here's me opening a little corner for myself here. I've been enjoying reading other people's journals here, so maybe there is at least one more post for someone to read. The title is a reference to a trio of book series I've almost completed by now.
Day 39
Initially I got energy surges from PM. Then it went to "it's not doing anything" in a week or two, and I'm maybe thinking I like it. It's been a bit of a gamble because it's actually not known at all what this thing is aiming for; maybe its pushing me towards a SM alpha vibe, maybe its a super calm and steady emotional-support-rock-kind of stoick man, or maybe my subconscious image of masculinity is that of my father who, in his older years, is basically a brooding Homer Simpson - without the choking. I've made a list of qualities etc I consider masculine but I'm not sure at all what I believe deep down. So that's why its good to report that I think I like the vibe I'm getting with it. Also, I don't know if the "skeleton script" always includes a bunch of generally positive things into every sub or if its just some kind of support code.
There's been quite a lot of conflict lately, in my personal life and at work, and I'm at least hoping the thick skin part is helping there. I'm often quick to raise an internal wall of anger if I sense that someone is trying to step over me or is likely to act disrespectfully. I think defensive anger is healthy and its good to have boundaries but, first, it should pass really quickly once the situation is over and, second, it shouldn't lock me up so that I can't observe and behave properly in the situation. At work there's probably something smarter to do than brood and at home it could be that even if someone is in a bad mood, they'll never actually actually act out on in if not provoked. So i was meditating on this threat - anger - fear axis, saying in still internally ok while this is going on in real time.
This past week or two I've maybe noticed that my presence has been "larger" than before when visiting relatives and that I've felt more free in those situations. There was one surprising comment from a child, similar to what Ben described, but that could be due to anything really. The first thing that comes to mind about masculinity for me is this kind of strong presence, whether it's high or low energy, so that's good.
It's really not often that I have the change to listen to the US track without anyone else being exposed to it, so I'm almost always listening on headphones. I've used the hybrid track for a long time (yes) but now I'm experimenting with the masked track and an extra loop, testing whether it would sink in without as much resistance. During the week it'd be really easy to get in a loop during the day but I think I get better effect on dreams at least if I listen while reading just before bed. So this week I've been combining these two when possible.
RE: Wylde side (PM 5.11g) - thectexperience1 - 01-05-2025
I'd be interested to hear how you evolve regarding the anger at work issue as things proceed with this sub.
My instinct has always been to "see red". Since AM and OF I'm more ready to tell people exactly how I feel - friends, acquaintances, customers, etc. - without fear of escalation and violence that might result. But at work I feel the need to bottle it up and it's hard. It's made more difficult by working in a feminine environment where the vibe, on the surface, is all harmony, even though of course there is a tonne of politics and competition underneath.
My ideal response when someone is being disrespectful in a professional setting would be to stay completely cool and slightly condescendingly explain to them why the facts or premises in their comments are wrong. But the bodily/instinctual response is to tell them to back the f*** up.
How to become more refined without suppressing the instinct and not having it when you really need it..
RE: Wylde side (PM 5.11g) - Benjamin - 01-06-2025
Interesting, i'm also not sure what PM is aiming for. I also wrote a document with all of my definitions of masculinity that I want.
But...
It's taking me in a bit of a different direction than expected, though it's not totally unwanted as it's showing me stuff. I'll expand in my journal.