(08-14-2021, 01:43 AM)Benjamin Wrote: I'm in a bit of a mood where i'm watching Dazed and Confused (from the early 90s, never seen it before) and thinking "man there seemed to be way less bs going on back then" and wishing I could go back in time.

(08-14-2021, 07:51 AM)NOMAD Wrote:

(08-14-2021, 01:43 AM)Benjamin Wrote: I'm in a bit of a mood where i'm watching Dazed and Confused (from the early 90s, never seen it before) and thinking "man there seemed to be way less bs going on back then" and wishing I could go back in time.

This is one of my favorite movies. I watch it semi-regularly.

(08-14-2021, 01:43 AM)Benjamin Wrote: This morning before going out I was thinking about this girl that was coming along today who i've only met once. And I was going to put some condoms in my wallet.. which made me realize that the times i've done that in recent times it basically shuts me down and makes me feel more anxious around attractive girls, whereas if they aren't there it's like the pressure is off and i'm more relaxed. Definately fear related.

I decided I was going to confront that and thought 'well if (different things I fear) happens so be it'. But I forgot until I was driving, oh well.

Talked to her a bit, but something just felt off. When they were leaving my mate was like 'anyone wanna keep hanging out' and I was up for it, and he asked her, though her mum was there too which is fine she could have come too.. and they said they were shopping but when we said we could come along not much of a response. So looks like this one won't go anywhere.

Went for a walk with my friend, and there was a family sitting there on the grass, the daughter (I assume) were sitting in the back of a ute and one was staring and smiling and I said "how's it going?' then when we walked back past there 2 of them were sitting in there both staring at us. I had a feeling of 'ok this isn't usually what happens to me'.. but I hope that this increases in general.

Went to the supermarket and I noticed I was feeling pretty good and had a bit of a subtle swagger in my walk which happens sometimes, hopefully starts to happen more as I listen to OF more.. and I had a realization that I told my friend.

Especially in recent times with all the bs going on, it seems almost everyone walking around is more timid.. and this become even more obvious today when I was feeling strong in myself.. and since starting OF some of the blinders have come off as I had started to just go down the street and basically ignore everyone else.. and now less of that and observing them, i'm seeing some funny reactions from some of them when i'm feeling comfortable.. it's almost as if this is unusual to them right now and they think everyone needs to be walking around scared.. which isn't benefitting anyone.

I also decided to not goto self serve checkouts and make a point to get served by the staff even if I have to wait a bit.. as i've become more antisocial in the last year or so and talked to staff less. My other friend inspired me to do this when we went to the supermarket last. The girl that served me I mainly asked how the day is going, but felt a little uncomfortable with much else for some reason. But it's better than just reflexively going through the self serve.

Noticed giving a bit less of a fuck what people thought of me when walking around too.

Again tonight I don't feel like listening, but i've decided it's likely resistance as i've already had 3 nights off so I will listen tonight when I goto bed.

I'm in a bit of a mood where i'm watching Dazed and Confused (from the early 90s, never seen it before) and thinking "man there seemed to be way less bs going on back then" and wishing I could go back in time.

(08-16-2021, 01:12 PM)Shannon Wrote: I can remember the 1980's and even the late 1970's.  Let me tell you... we have come to be drowning in fear as a society compered to even back then.  I remember as a 4 year old boy being allowed to go play without parental supervision until mom called me for dinner.  I was told how far I could go, and she let me go.  And I would go a good block or two away sometimes, and nobody bothered me and I never had any issues.  

My mother and uncles tell me stories about them doing a lot more than that.  It was expected that you were not going to do stupid shit back then, and you were responsible for yourself even at a young age.  They used to do things routinely like spend entire days out at the lake alone playing on the rope swings and swimming without adult supervision, all summer long, every summer as kids.  Stuff that now would get parents thrown in prison, when really, it's just about how they used to actually teach kids to take responsibility for themselves and their choices, own the consequences, and not do stupid shit.  If the kid wants to swim at the lake, make sure they know how to swim, how to stay safe, how to watch other kids and help keep them safe and how to deal with someone having trouble in the water.
And they did all that by age 4-5-6 back then.  Long gone are the days of society expecting and teaching personal responsibility for anyone under 30 now.  Sometimes, even older.

And now everyone is so afraid and distrustful, and often for good reason.  Given how messed up people are these days in how they think and what they do, I wouldn't for a split second let any 4 year old I have, have the level of freedom I had.  Not because I don't trust the kid, who I can teach and train, but because I don't trust the whackos out there.  People don't seem to have common sense or any understanding of anyone else having any value, rights, etc. anymore.  It's all about themselves and whatever they can get at whatever expense to anyone else.

(08-16-2021, 09:17 PM)Benjamin Wrote: Had the urge to increase loops, so now from 6 to 8 loops of ultrasonic at night.

I woke up this morning with more energy somehow, and feeling pretty good. I went down the street to some shops as i've not been doing so as much and felt more anxious.. so I guess the 8 loops is stirring something up.

But strangely despite that there was some things happening. In one shop a staff member was attempting to push some bs I don't agree with, and I basically just was calm, shut it down and ended up chatting to her briefly. Then after that I was looking around the shop and another woman come up to me saying " I was listening to your conversation, and you really disarmed her" and chatted to me a bit. I thought she worked there and meant that the other woman was usually difficult to customers but turns out she didn't.

And yeah it sounds good a random woman coming up to chat to me.. but she was old.  

In another shop a woman that goes to toastmasters had started working there. I mentioned I started training some martial arts again and she asked for my card, like wanting to learn. And I just said "Nah I don't have a card" and "I think i'd want to do it a bit longer again before I teach others, but you can come along if you want" though now I realize I didn't really mean it, because it would take away from my and my friends training and i'd have to water it down.

But when I left I realized it may have been an excuse to get my number. I was totally oblivious to that at the time. I have seen some occasional looks she has given me across the room before. Though she smokes with is now an automatic no for me.

Mainly the whole time in shops I felt weirdly anxious. I had a thought in the middle of it 'it's almost like it's in the air' which it kind of is in recent times.. but then I realized "no, really it's my projection of how i'm feeilng.. even if it might kind of be in the air, if i'm feeling totally comfortable then that basically discharges it around me".

Since i've got home i'm struggling. First thing is i've been feeilng strangely hungry like I just want to eat random things, which I feel is a sign of something emotional being triggered. And I also really, really want to look at porn.

Which will do nothing but make me feel like shit and regret it, but knowing that logically isn't making it any less tempting. I decided to put a look of OF on and just breathe and sit with it. I've got used to hybrid again through the day after I listened the first time and then went on a porn spree and was scared to use it again for a few weeks.

Still it doesn't seem to relax me like ocean surf does.