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+--- Thread: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal (/Thread-Smashing-Paradigms-Broskis-DMSI-3-2-B-Journal)
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Benjamin - 03-30-2018
Interesting, i'm noticing the same.
This morning at home I was feeling anxious. But when I went out I felt powerful and pretty good for a bit.
Now since I got home a few hours ago i've had this background anxious feeling.
An element of the feeling seems to want to get me out of the house to be around girls, the annoying thing is there's nowhere to go to do so at the moment, until tomorrow.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - DarthXedonias - 03-30-2018
(03-30-2018, 11:27 PM)Benjamin Wrote: Interesting, i'm noticing the same.
This morning at home I was feeling anxious. But when I went out I felt powerful and pretty good for a bit.
Now since I got home a few hours ago i've had this background anxious feeling.
An element of the feeling seems to want to get me out of the house to be around girls, the annoying thing is there's nowhere to go to do so at the moment, until tomorrow.
I do find it interesting that other people are reporting this as well. I'm having a similar thing where I don't go out of the house as much and when I think about doing so I get this anxious feeling about it but as soon as I'm outside the house I feel no anxiety whatsoever and am totally in the moment.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 03-31-2018
Its nice to see you guys are having similar experiences and that im not alone here. Now that im back at home once again the background anxiety is back, though not nearly to the degree it was yesterday during the day. At times yesterday i was just feeling like a piece of shit about myself and feeling like all this work ive been doing investing in myself wasnt getting me jack. Then when I went out I forget about all that mindfuckery and just had a good time with my friends and was able to enjoy the moment. Now I wasnt completely anxiety free or 100% present, but it was MUCH better when I was out compared to at home.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-02-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 8(Off Day)
Went out with one of my good buddies to a work party thing of his out at a bar Saturday night. I have noticed that while my anxiety about certain things hasn't gone away my ability to do things DESPITE being anxious has greatly increased. Like I may have not even went back when I was even drinking cause I wouldn't know anyone there besides my friend, but now even though I felt anxious about it and wouldn't be using any alcohol to cope, I still went out anyway. I am now actively trying to put myself out there and do things I don't want to do and face my fears.
I felt pretty good out there, had some anxiety at times, but talked to a lot of his coworkers and had a good time. They were all really cool. Some of the girls showed me some iois, but nothing crazy. The majority also had bfs though.
Later that night we went to some of the most poppin bars in town, huge packed places with djs and and a lot of hotties. This enlivenment is still a bit out of my comfort zone without the use of alcohol to aid me. I did lock eyes with a few girls though as I moved around and they smiled and seemed interested. At one point we were sitting down just chilling at a table and a group of girls were dancing near us and edging closer and closer. One kept bending over and shaking her ass right towards us. Another decent looking gal sat pretty close to me where I could have just scooted over and started up a convo with her. The music was pretty loud to clearly talk though and I couldn't muster up the courage to make the move. Maybe if she was a bit more attractive it could have enticed me to pull the trigger(or maybe you just need to quit being a pussy*SELF BURN*)
I might not be getting the reactions i'm after quite yet or feeling 100% relaxed or irresistibly sexy , but I AM impressed with my ability to now be able to go out and cope without alcohol in any bar environment. I couldn't envision myself having the balls to attempt this or being able to handle it prior to 3.2.
My Mom and brother both commented on a picture that I was tagged in on FB that night saying I looked different, more vibrant and alive. I thought I also noticed that it seems like my jawline is more distinguished.
At home is when I am noticing I am having the most anxiety lately. It seems like its really picked up ever since I started version A. Its like some of the thought patterns and issues I usually struggle with or have struggled with in the past are being brought up more and intensified. Im not sure if it is a sign of healing going on under the surface or perhaps a reaction my subconscious is having to the programming and the positive changes I have made in my life to try prevent me from changing.
At any rate despite having these thoughts and feeling I am sicking to my guns and continuing with DMSI and continuing on the path to betterment. That is another change that is in line with still going out despite it being uncomfortable. In the past these thoughts and feeling would have probably derailed me. Sent me into breaking my no fap. Sent me into getting absolutely plastered on the weekend. Sent me into hiding from them in netflix or social media binges. Not this time though. While it is uncomfortable and I would like to be rid of them I am not running away. I am continuing with the good habits I have built and straying from the bad. I just now need to trust that my persistence will pay off in the end.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-05-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 11
Nothing new to note ladies wise. Still dealing with increased anxiousness, but continuing forward and getting things done.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-07-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 13
Don't think I put it in any of my posts, but last week I told kinky girl that I thought it was best that we didn't see each other anymore. I told her that I had a lot of fun with her and enjoyed her company. That she was a sweet girl and I wish her nothing but the best and success with all her ambitions in life. We just wanted different things though, and that was alright. I wanted to come across in the kindest possible way and let her know that I genuinely wished the best for her and I think I did that.
Once again things went real smooth with my attractive client this week. I can definitely tell she is into me.As much as I would love to bone her though she has a husband and I want to respect him and their marriage. It would be VERY hard(pun intended) if she made a move on me not to go with it, but I want to keep integrity with the kind of person i'm trying to develop into and that person would not do that. Even if the attraction keeps building I don't think she will though because she seems like the type of girl that is very loyal. I think she would have to be single first for anything to happen in which case I would be all for it lol.
Minus this experience with her this week I have been feeling a bit down and demotivated. I have mostly been caught up in negative thoughts and negative judgments about myself. I notice I seem to be the most stifled around my family. I think its because they have known me the longest so I feel like they see through me therefore i'm not allowed to be as confident as I want to be. A lot of times I notice its a lot easier to be more open and confidently expressive with just random people I just met than my own family because they have no pre conceived notions of me so I feel like I can better openly express myself.Might sound kind of weird but I've had this issue for awhile, long before my time with dmsi. It just seems like I've been noticing it more as of late.
Tonight watched some UFC fights with some good friends and even with them just felt kind of stifled and in my head most the night. Self critical and validation seeking(cringes). Its hard to admit that, but I need to be more honest with both myself and others. This self consciousness and self judgement thing is one of the biggest issues in my life that I have been struggling with and has been holding me back for the past years. I'm really hoping DMSI can help me eventually break through this to be able to freely express myself and be the guy I know I am capable of being, but have trouble showing through and fully embodying because of mental blocks. Id honestly rather have that effect than the goal of the program, though they would probably coincide with one another.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-08-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 14
It seems like my sleep has been worse during my run with version A so far. With B it actually improved for a good while. That was pretty cool as I have always had sleep issues. That has seemed to have gone away since running version A however. I kind of expected that A would be a smoother run for me with the included healing and clearing, but it has seemed ti be the opposite. Must have something to do with the specific healing process itself stirring up emotions in my subconscious.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-12-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 17
Finally have seemed to get out of the funk I've been dealing with lately. Have been feeling much better the past few days. Overall mood and sleep have been better. I have been more optimistic, present and relaxed. Haven't had as much anxiety or been beating myself up as much as I was. Conversations have been flowing easier and I have been viewing myself in a better light and have more optimism for my future. I'm feeling like i'm building some momentum and heading in the right direction. I'm diggin it!
So yesterday I saw my attractive client during the day and just when I think its gonna be tough for her signs of attraction towards me to increase any further, they seemed to have gone up even more. There were times in our conversation where we were literally staring right into each others eyes for prolonged periods of time while talking in flirty/ seductive tones and I could feel the sexual energy between us. She was even more giggly and submissive towards me than usual. Its like her voice keeps increasing in terms of high pitched octaves each time i see her lol. At one point towards the end of our session she said "My shirts smells really good"(about her own shirt. I'm like oh really, to which she goes "smell it" and grabs it and pulls the top of it up to my nose so i have a direct gaze down her shirt at her at her tits nicely resting in her bra for a good couple of seconds. Its gonna be interesting to see if this continues to build this way, because like I said she seems like a pretty loyal girl and I don't want to do that to her husband, but DAYUM son its gonna be hard not to if she makes a move.
Also hit up a small bar with a few of my buddies last night and the waitress seemed a little extra friendly. Grabbed my arm as I was leaving and said bye multiple times.
That's about it for today. Cheers fellas!
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-12-2018
Forgot to add this to my post, but I had a pretty crazy vivid dream last night. I was at a church I used to go to when I was younger with one of my buds that I was hanging out with last night. We were listening to the sermon and talking to some people around us. All of a sudden a voice came on the loudspeaker saying everyone needs to go to the basement of the church. We started exiting the church area to the front entrance where you would enter the church, and outside the doors was a huge blazing fire that prevented us from going outside. Everyone at once started panicking and we all started rushing down the nearby stairwell. There was utter chaos and people flailing about and screaming everywhere. Usually if I have a scary dream like this I realize its a dream and try to wake myself up, but it seemed so real and vivid that I thought it was real life. I remember thinking something along the lines in the dream of "I cant believe this is happening". I eventually woke up out of it and was surprisingly calm for what happened. The thought of it was scary, but my heart was not pounding and I still remained calm in spite of it. The last time I had a vivid scary dream of this caliber which I posted about in an earlier journal entry I woke up with a pounding heart and was pretty damn frightened. I was impressed with my ability to remain calm and fall back asleep.
I now have had two dreams involving fire, two involving mass chaos, and one my own death while on dmsi 3.2. My theory is it is the symbolism of the inevitable death of my current paradigm. Lets keep going and smash through it baby!
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-17-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 22
Staring to notice a pattern here... Every time I have a good string of days where it feels like things are heading in the right direction it is inevitably followed by a period of increased anxiety. This was the most dramatic during my first week in of version B where everything just seemed to click and then all of a sudden I started becoming fearful of the change and unfamiliarity of it all. Since then I have not gotten back to that inner high point but similar ups and downs have transpired. I think it is good I am becoming aware of this though. For one it helps me realize that these down points will not last forever, and two maybe with enough cycles of ups and downs and awareness of the process it will allow me to allow myself to just let go and let success happen without resistance. To embrace change.
I am continuing to focus on and pursue my purpose. I am actively trying to be more kind and helpful to others. Currently reading the 6 pillars of self esteem and taking notes on it. HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their self esteem. I am not even halfway through, but have found it very informative and there have already been a few very practical exercises layed out that I think could have a great impact on ones ability to cultivate self esteem. Not sure if DMSI lead me to this book as I know it has SE 5.5 G in it, but I strategically tried to consider a book that could have the most positive impact on me at this very moment in time and I thought this foundational book on improving ones self esteem could be it.
So the gameplan is im goiing to ride out this period of anxiety and try to realize its just another phase that wont last, continue with DMSI, and continue reading this book and start applying some of the exercises in it and see what happens.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-22-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 27
Had quite the ol roller coaster ride this weekend, and not in a fun hands in air don't care kinda way...So I went over to one of my friends places who was throwing a little party this weekend. One of the girls there works with "kinky girl" ( Girl i was regularly hooking up with, butt decided to cut things off with around a month ago) She is actually who I met her through. Well at one point of the night she pulled me aside and told me some rather shocking news... "Kinky girl just told she is pregnant". My heart instantly sank. I'm trying to figure my own shit out right now, the last thing I need is adding a kid to the mix.
When she saw my reaction she quickly explained that she said she didn't think it was mine. Apparently after I made it clear I didn't want a relationship with her(but we still proceeded to bone for while) she went on a sexual rampage and started meeting up and rawdogging it with a bunch of random guys.She thought the dad was one of said sexual rampage victims and they are apparently going to have a paternity test when shes further along. I always use a condom myself, so I at least had that going for me. The time frame still worries me though as how many weeks pregnant she is lines up pretty damn close with the last time we had sex. Ive had a condom break on me before with another girl though(took an uber bline at 5am straight to walmart for some plan b lol) so I feel like if it would have broke on us I would have noticed. Pretty weird to say, but man am I glad she was getting pounded by multiple other dudes without condoms lol. That at least puts my mind a bit at ease, but I still wont fully be at peace with the situation until I know for sure some little tyke with my dna wont be running around.
So enough of possible fatherhood talk(shudders) So girl wise nothing too out of the ordinary has been happening. Still getting vibes from my attractive client. At the party one of my friends gfs was showing a lot of iois towards me. Every time i look at her and make a joke she is giggly as all f. She said i could sit next to her on a cooler at one point which was quite the tight fit. I kind of just sat on the edge out of respect for my friend whos an awesome dude and like 5 feet away lol. Towards the end of the night she made fun of me about something and her back was towards the fire, so i grabbed her shoulders and pretended like i was about to throw her ass straight in.She laughed and put out her hand against my chest and immediately goes "Wow your chest is so hard" Im like damn easy girl your boyfriendis literally right there lol. And then she played it off like yeah dont want him to get all obsessed with going to the gym.
As far as my emotions have gone lately someone elses journal I was reading the other day summed it up pretty well. I almost feel like im at war in my mind. Just a lot of emotional turbulence going on and negative thoughts coming up trying to keep me from progressing forward. Some of my biggest issues ive been dealing with these past few years, some almost my whole life to a degree have been coming up and slapping me right in the face. Ive got nowhere to hide from them though, so all I can do is grit my teeth, bear it, and proceed forward . No more alcohol to cope, no Netflix bunging(dont even watch tv anymore besides occasional ufcs) mo social media binging or constant phone use to hide from my feeling(have been limiting my time on social media and overall phone use, probably the toughest stimulus to keep away from) Ha vent fapped in the last 37 days, no videogames.
My life now is basically composed of essentially only productive activities. I am either working with clients, working on my website, learning, or training. While my internal environment doesn't feel much different from when I started 3.2, my external world has definitely shifted, particularly my habits. Im just on another level of productivity now then where I was before. Im taking REAL responsibility for the direction of my life and it has manifested in my daily actions. How I prioritize my time. What I do and what I dont do.
Like I said though, internally it is still a battlefield. At times I think to myself how can I feel this way and still have these thoughts with all that I have changed externally? In retrospect though it really hasn't been all that long, so I think I need to better apply the principal of patience here. I might feel like this shit is tough to deal with and hard to handle and I am not exactly sure how I am going to overcome some of these mental barriers, but what is the alternative? Giving up? Fuck that shit.
A shift I am starting to notice is I am no longer "waiting" for dmsi to fix all my life problems. I think in the past I have used subs as a crutch or excuse not to take responsibility for my life. Like "oh eventually this sub should overcome my resistance and just do everything for me." In my mind now even though I am playing dmsi it is up to ME to overcome my obstacles and achieve my goals in life. I will continue playing dmsi in hopes that it will aid me with my life goals, but I am no longer willing to just passively sit back and expect it to do everything for me.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Shannon - 04-23-2018
A sub is a set of instructions. Does a grocery list go buy the groceries for you? Does a printout of a computer program do anything? No, you have to accept and act on those instructions. Glad to hear that's what you're doing.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-23-2018
(04-23-2018, 08:05 AM)Shannon Wrote: A sub is a set of instructions. Does a grocery list go buy the groceries for you? Does a printout of a computer program do anything? No, you have to accept and act on those instructions. Glad to hear that's what you're doing.
Those are good analogies, thanks Shannon. I appreciate all the work you have put into making these subs and helping people change their lives for the better.
RE: Smashing Paradigms- Broskis DMSI 3.2 B Journal - Broski - 04-29-2018
DMSI 3.2 A Day 33
So I helped my attractive clients friend move yesterday. She texted me up the other day saying she needed a "strong man" to help them. Lucky for them Im just the guy(Strikes flawless double biceps pose) She was showing some serious ioi action. She wouldn't stop playing with her hair while around me. She put on some lip balm randomly right in front of me at one point. She was giggling at almost everything I said, and like nonstop at one point. One time when she was grabbing a box she backed her ass up right into me and im pretty positive she knew i was right behind her. She mentioned one time when I was lifting something heavy "Wow, look at those muscles!" She seemed to not be able to hold eye contact very long and would look away submissively after a second. If it wasnt for the fact she was married pretty sure it would be fully on. Also went to a friends party later and ALL the girls there showed at least one ioi at one point or another.
Been feeling relatively good the last few days. Feeling overall more sexy, relaxed and in the moment. There were a few times this weekend where I just got immersed in the moment and was able to convey my genuine charismatic self. This is state where I am charismatic, witty, creative, and confident, all without much effort. As opposed to the opposite, in my head, anxious and over analytical state. Pretty cool to experience and really the kind of state I wan to just naturally be in as a default.
I think a few things I have been doing lately has been helping me with resistance. I started repeating an affirmation twice a day that I saw in another members journal of "I now choose to willingly, consciously, and subconsciously execute the entire script of dmsi 3.2 A, and Ido." I have noticed I have started to view myself in a more sexy light lately and think this may be party why. I have also been doing a self acceptance exercise from the book "The 6 pillars of self esteem" that I think has been aiding me as well. I think learning to love and accept myself faults and all would be a real game changer. As paradoxical as it may be, actively trying to deny things and change them without first accepting them only seems to keep them alive. While accepting them seems to melt them away over time and allow for growth. The ol "what you resist persist" saying. So im trying to learn to accept some of my negative thoughts and feelings I experience and I think it has been helping me out.