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RE: Random solutions to a an invisible riddle - LionKing - 06-12-2018
DMSI 3.2, day 95 or so, ver A, 3 loops
Had a dream where I died. Can't what remember what initially happened - maybe some accident or smt - but then I found myself in this limbo state where I somehow knew that this is all I'm going to get and in just a couple moments I'm going to transition to the other side, whether there is anything there or not. My vision was very blurry and it felt like a dream and I was quite lucid, but I though it was because of that transition state so I didn't want to wake myself up to move on from it yet. Then I reached a conclusion that this life is pretty darn great at its finest, so I'd definitely prefer to go back enjoy more of it, but let anything come that must. Then everything started to fade to black, then through the black I went to normal consciousness and slowly woke up in my bed. It was so lucid I had some trouble convincing myself that I was now really awake for sure, and not in yet another dream. Interesting how this dying theme is coming up for people with 3.2. Or more like transition to the unknown, maybe.
3 loops is much better than 1. Also, it seems I pretty much only execute when I'm drinking - and that's not very often anymore. Was out with the gf recently, and I had maybe some looks, then definite interest and not mentioning bf in a convo, and then a girl from behind me kept "accidentally" poking me with her elbow.
But, I'm also incredibly tired and I know quite well that to resch DMSI's goals would be to cheat and break up with the gf, then move onto dating and such, and I don't really see that as where I want to go now. Maybe later again, who knows. It's just that I keep holding onto this idea that I'm not enough if I'm not super sexy, and I guess I need that attention and admiration to compensate for how I normally feel people like me - which is that they don't really care. I've been noticing a lot that I gave this whiny voice or feeling in me that's saying she/he/them doesn't really care about me. Something stupid that's saying, I internalize through that and it makes me resentful, then I'm thinking whatever.. yeah I'll do such and such but at least I'll be a little angry about because what the f___ does anything matter. And I suppose it's also a YOLO thing, I think my attractive years are slipping away - that's where I'm glad to be a man though
Anyway, I will be switching focus to another program as soon as I can just reach some congruency about what the program would be. Maybe SE (already did 50d earlier), or the new US if that comes out soon. I'm also reading some NLP (essential guide to). I've never really liked it before, but know I feel somehow more free to try it out. Usually with emotions I feel like it's a sea and then I'll jump in and become ungulfed in it and accept it and then I can try to go with it. But nlp seems more like I'm actively and consciously steering my mind, like I'm driving a car and I have to turn the wheel change the gears and operate it. That's of course good, but somehow I see that it'd be "boring"; that it'd be more work vs. letting some interesting stuff come to me. But I suppose that'll pass once I get used to it.Work is going well - I got really good feedback. The one quality I'd like to develop now is being proactive. And in general I'd like to be more and more "open" (communication channel is open, and not blocked by me worrying - my expression open and not blocked by me worrying or trying to be something else or if my expression will be accepted - living in the moment and not imagining what could go wrong in the future). And I got to tend to that "they don't care" voice - I think the instruction from Shannon long ago was to do things for myself to show that I care. Also changing my inmer dialogue from constant critique to constant encouragement wouldn't hurt either.
Thank you, thank you. See ya!