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+--- Thread: Getting my shit together (/Thread-Getting-my-shit-together)
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RE: Getting my shit together - Darwinn - 12-24-2013
Day 34
Over a month in and I have to say, this sub has been given me profound lessons. I'm learning to value myself alot more and draw boundaries. Last week my boss flipped out at me because I hadn't done something I was supposed to, it wasn't entirely my fault, but that sort of thing would have previously sent me into a tail spin of dispair.
Instead I was totally calm, I knew I should have done better, I took responsibility and remembered that it was in my power to change things and perform better. My normal response would be to feel shit that people think I'm an idiot or something - I don't care what people think, I'll get nothing from it and its' pointless to give what power I have away to their whims, half the time they think you're amazing when you're not, and the other half they'll think you're a loser when you're not - so why bother.
I'm determined to do things becaus I want to do them, because they are my goals rather than what everyone else needs from me.
Another interesting development, is I see people ceasing to speak with me. this doesn't bother me in the slightest (before I would have been terrified about this). I'm always trying to make people laugh, be a clown so they don't reject me/think i'm a tool (which i secretly thought I was I guess), I'm not giving away anything now unless i want to, I know that if they walk away from me I don't need them - it's a really empowering place to be, to be able to focus on what I want.
This does come with a problem though. Working is hard with this attitude simply because I'm used to operating from a place of intense fear and a sense of not performing equating to me being a peice of shit. This kept me working my ass off (though I often burned out and didn't so well anyway)
Now I'm learning to work and do things from a place of self value, so my system isn't responding in the same way, I'm not jumping into a mad frenzy of activity when the heat is on, instead i'm staying more calm and doing things slower - which can be an unhelpful attitude, i'm hoping this will improve.
Its interesting to see that self esteem is fundamental to so many important dimensions of life. when you have self esteem (or in my case when you're developing it) you value your time - you don't want to be lazy because you feel like you have something to give or you're just 'better than that' (though I have to admit i'm still pretty lazy, it is going though. in relationships you value people if they value you - because if they value you they must be worth while! relationships seem to become more about mutual respect rather than power - too deep? hope not, it's just what i've noticed.
For instance, my closest friend was giving me shit the other day, and I told him straight out that for a close friend to talk to another like that was bullshit - and that I ought to knock him out being such a d*ck (I'm a hell of alot smaller than him by the way). This wasn't said in anger, this was the truth of the matter, he was being shit and I called him out on it - it made him shrivel and since he talks with respect.
I like the fact that I'm feeling stronger. I can approach people who need me better. I have alot of close family, including very elderly parents, who reem to rely on me, and I've felt for a long time that i didn't have the strength to live my life and do what i had to do for them too. this sub has taught me to respect boundaries and not get caught up in bullshit. people play games, they ask you for help when they don't need it and then get angry when you do what they ask because people in a mess rarely want to get out of it (as far as i can see). I just say, it's not my problem, they're free to do stupid things if they want - previously i would stress and beg and plead for people to not do things to injure themselves or others or create more problems, now I say fuck it, you're an adult if you want to screw up, its your problem son, I'm not here to live peoples lives for them and that's not where I'll derive my value from!
it may sound harsh, but with two elderly parents who DO genuinely need support and compassion, I'm glad that i keep my energy for them more and more but even them, I'm learning that whilst I will do what I can for them, they are not a crutch or an excuse for not living my life - that would be an unacceptable cop out.
My final issue is this.
I'm only a month into this sub, and it's given me a whole lot already. a WHOLE lot, and i'm just noticing this now on reflection. The thing is, it's also shown me the all round character that i want to develop, the simple fact is, I want to become a real alpha - for myself, for my family. I have kids in my family, I want them to have a model of strength. I want to be purely comfortable in my own skin, my own power, and my own purpose, and I realise that this is the real way to be of any benefit in this world.
With that I'm really interested in getting started on AMP6 as soon as it comes out - the idea that I could get to 2015, having almost run this twice, being a new and self reliant man is seriously enticing. I want to get to that level of character asap and raise the quality of life i have! It would mean stopping LTU 2-5 months ahead of schedule, which would have undoubtedly taken me to an amazing place as well, howvever I feel like AM6 would give me what I need - more of what i'm experiencing now, only more focussed on my development as a man.
I'm considering this over the next few days - I wouldn't want to dissapoint people thinking of LTU though, truly it's been awesome, and only after a month when the recommended time is 6!