Getting my shit together

[Darwinn]

Hi guys,

I've battled depression, and very low self esteem for a long time, I'm in my late 20s and have serious social anxiety, i'm lethargic, unfocused and struggle horribly at work.

So here I am ready try (again) with subs...I don't know where to start - I bought ultra success, have absolute self confidence, I used US and after a while just burnt out with resistance, and same with ASC - I'm ready to start again but wonder if I might go for something else first, OFSG for instance.

Ultimately I want to do AM5 and then 6 (when they're available) but i just know that with the resistance i had with the first two subs it's going to be way worse with AM

Regardless I'm starting something in the next few days! 2014 is the year I have to get this shit handled as far as i'm concerned - i'm hoping to provide updates on progress here on these forums.

[Ampersnd]

Hey Darwin,

Kudos for deciding to get your life together.
Hate to dig into personal details right off the bat, but could it be that you have a problem with PMO (Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm)? It's one of the most common addictions among men. The common symptom is social anxiety and a feeling of seperation. TED talks have good speechs on that.

If you have other addictions, that could also stiffle you. You don't need to answer the question on the forum, but do it privately with yourself. That might help you advance.

[AlphaScorpio]

Funny you mention PMO Dan I was literally thinking the same thing when I read Darwin's post...

I find I feel generally better when abstaining from PMO even though, admittedly I find it pretty damn hard to stick to.

[SargeMaximus]

Funny you mention PMO Dan I was literally thinking the same thing when I read Darwin's post...

I find I feel generally better when abstaining from PMO even though, admittedly I find it pretty damn hard to stick to.

I'm not a believer, to be honest.

More than likely, what it is, is that people who waste time on porn all day have no lives, those that have lives, are too busy living them to be PMOing.

For myself, since getting more sociable with people and confronting my fears, I've watched less porn. But, watching it doesn't seem to affect me anymore. Like with subs, I think it depends on WHY you're using it.

[Benjamin]

I know from my own experience that it makes a big difference. When I do it I am depressed, unconfident and have low energy and it makes me anxious around girls.

When I don't I have much more masculine energy, feel better, am more motivated and confident.

It's a real thing, it's why alot of younger guys who have had internet porn since they were very young have alot of issues and anxiety with girls. It's done enough damage for me, I can only imagine having the internet like it is now when I was a young teen.

Anyway Darwin, welcome the the forum and good luck.

-Ben

[Darwinn]

I think it's a little of everything compounding together - looking at SargeMaximus' list for a sound body and mind I don't think meet any of those criteria. I do get a sudden burst of energy and get started with developing the good habits for success/health/happiness but somehow it always peters out.

Looking at life tune up makes me thing that this is the sub for me, I need to tick all of the boxes crossed off by it desperately in order to move on...but the amount of stuff it deals with makes me thing real resistance is ahead - i know at a deep level i have alot of self aversion.

I have read how people have used tapping to over come this so I'll read up this as well.

[Darwinn]

I did it, bought LTU. Let's see what listening to this for half a year starting tonight does!

[Shannon]

Just because you experience resistance to X or Y doesn't mean you'll experience resistance to Z. LTU is a great choice. AM6 has a lot of stuff in it that should allow you to use it to let go of, dissolve, heal and release any resistance.

Just noticed, this is my 9,000th post! Yay me!

[Darwinn]

Thanks for the input Shannon,

So a first report on the sub. I turned it on for about three hours the first night and then on again just before I went to bed. Even though it was on ultra sonic I couldn't sleep so I turned it off half way through the night. Next day I was tired and a little foggy, I increased my exposure the next night and last night had it on the whole way through as I figured at least I can sleep in on the weekend.

Same thing that others say about subs with fatigue etc, but an interesting first effect I've noticed was a feeling of self respect. It was interesting because a few things that I do, like telling people everything about myself to seek approval, or trying to be funny or explain myself seemed to be accompanied with feelings of "you know what I don't do this sort of thing", and "I'm not going to disrespect myself by bullshitting because I'm better than that".

This was definitely novel, I don't have thoughts of self value like that, intellectually I know that I should but I don't act like it. It's a fleeting and small feeling, but one I really like and hope will grow.

[Magnus]

I can relate a lot to almost everything you have said here so am very interested to see how life tune up goes for you as its a sub I may run in the not so distant future.

On the work side of things, I did AM 2011 a few years back and that sorted work right out for me. I was at a place before starting where I was close to getting fired but thanks to AM 2011 I've now gotten multiple promotions and pay rises, so it definitely helped there.

I've had a few things that have helped me over the last two years to manage depression a whole lot better as well as boosting my self esteem a whole lot and while some of these things are pretty self explanatory actually applying them on a consistent basis has really helped. stopping PMO was a big one for me personally but also one of the ones I struggled with the most. Others that helped me was getting my diet sorted out (this was the single biggest helper), Getting to the gym or exercising 5 days a week, cutting out caffeine and getting out socializing whenever possible.

I still slip back into bad habits every now and again but that's OK as we are all human. The main thing is that now the majority of the time I notice before it gets out of control and course correct.

Anyway good luck with your journey and I look forward to hearing your updates.

[Darwinn]

Cheers! I've read some of your past posts and it definitely gave me some hope for running AMP after this - i really want to get over this anxiety and self doubt at work which totally kills my productivity and respect from people i work with.

It's been about a week since i started, and perhaps 4 days of having it on all night while i sleep.

I've noticed a few very subtle changes. I'm hating myself a little less, I tend to obsess over some socially awkward thing i have done for days or stress about some screw up at work, and where that's not available past memories will creep up to remind me what a dick i am. Those thoughts are still there but they are helped by a big realisation that I've created these situations and experiences, I can actually see where i've physically gone out of my way to prove that i'm not good enough! The other thought that arises is 'fuck it, who gives a shit', and then i try to think also about all the good things i've done, the people who really like me and make loads of effort to spend time with me, the successes i've had. that's not to say the problem is some how solved, far from it - the positive side is still faint, but it's there and is helping to not completely incapacitate me.

I've also accepted that i've allowed myself to become pretty screwed up socially. I don't really have an ability to relate to people or empathise - i just talk at them, or they talk at me, and there is no connection - so i always seem to feel alone. a few days ago my closest friend told me i've become autistic after a big argument, and i didn't disagree. How this can be resolved i don't know.

one way is that I've just decided to go out and be social anyway, i was seeing a girl briefly a while ago, she lives quite far (in another country) and wants to get together - she's really hot, and i've just been ignoring her because i don't have anything to say - these days i have no opinions, no real interests and i don't feel curious enough about anything to have a conversation. I also know that her interest is based on her thinking i'm something that i'm (currently) not. that doesn't matter - i'm just gonna go, if nothing to get a change of scene and to start, at least acting, like a person with a real life!

Off the back of a lot of posts I've read on this forum, I've also started looking into FEFT. It make alot more sense to me, personally, than EFT (which i did have some very temporary success with). I love the fact that its so simple and that you can 'mentally tap', and found myself doing this on the way to work in the morning, and on returning. I think this has contributed to my having abit more mental space and clarity to start handling all of these problems i think i have.

PMO does indeed seem like serious issue i have to tackle, I know that the one common factor for when i'm generally feeling sharper and more resiliant is when i haven't done it in like a week. i would love to eliminate it but how? it seems almost too ingrained in my life. Alchohol is also an energy killer, after drinking one night i sit in a mental haze for a good few days - but i find it really hard to get out of my head and be social without it!.

I've also noticed that social media (or my addiction to it), like youtube, fb, and twitter screw royally with my mental energy - its like how tv used to be for me, where i just get home and either on my computer or on my iphone i'm just clicking zombie like for hours, then before i know it the evening is over and any plans to do important things for organising my life/health or connecting with people is gone.



Anyway - that's day 4 I guess. The evolution continues.

/Darwin

[Darwinn]

Day 14

I've noticed some subtle benefits

1) Better self esteem and self acceptance - this has taken the form of realising that whilst i know i'm flawed it's in my power to better myself, and anyway slipping into a spiral of dispair won't help, and it's not worth paying attention to self criticism passed a certain point.

2) feeling of personal responsibility and a healthier desire to be productive - rather than working from fear i'm looking more to work from a values perspective, i've never been so strong in having core values, but now I'm practicing working from the thought that it's better to work and perform from a sense of valuing yourself and your responsibility to better yourself than from a state of fearing that you'll screw up all the time - this isn't as strong as i'd like it to be but it's something i want to build on.

Out of nowhere i decided to start seeking positive influences, particularly from books, i've always been a hound for self help books but something made me feel that there would be more value from novels. I started reading Ayn Rand , and I have to say it has helped me to be more decisive and not fear being narrow in my goals in the world - which i think is hugely important to success in anything (at the moment)

My main problem is that, though i'm better, I'm still very indecisive, have low energy and procrastinate alot. I'm having problems with breaking bad habits which send me into a kind of trance and eat away at my concentration and time.

I'm also quite afraid of engaging socially still.

I've been trying to do some FEFT thanks to Geodude's posts, with small amounts of success, i'm not sure if i'ts working most of the time and am considering getting a real live feft coach/booking a session since i've heard so much about its effectiveness.

Ah and an interesting development - i seem to be ok having funny conversations with girls, and generally being a little flirty, its still awkward because i get stuck in my head or the add kicks in and i zone out, but it seems i'm letting these issues get in the way of me trying less and less - perhaps this is to do with the OGSF?

I really want the self discipline and anti procrastination parts to take root - hope they do soon!

[Darwinn]

Day 17

I just got off a conversation with a friend of mine, someone who I have been able to speak to about my phases of depression alot - and it occured to me that my attitude has moved on quite alot since I started this sub.

For the most part I've not been paying a whole load of attention, so perhaps alot of these quite significant changes have crept up without my noticing.

I was recapping an embarrasing situation with her, and it occured to me that i wasn't embarrased. normally i would batter myself about what an idiot i have been, but my only thought was , was that it was funny, i was feeling insecure at the time, and i said things i wouldn't normally say, but that insecure person is not really me, and it's not who i'm becoming.


I was in total self acceptance! I would like to be able to report some ground breaking tangible results, but for me this is pretty ground breaking.

The only problem is that self flaggelation is how i've overcome my procrastination and laziness in the past - my self value and respect has gone up now so that just ain't gonna fly, i'm not going to beat myself up about anything - but the question is how do i operationalise the new values of getting things done, the faint idea that keeps ringing about my head is that, a person with self esteem and self respect follows through on what they want to do, but i'm still getting alot of resistance to getting the stuff i need to do well, done.

That goes for things like diet as well - i'v put on a shit load of weight, and am starting to take a little more care now, but it's a long road ahead if i want to turn all of this around.

17 days of a sub isn't going to be enough to reverse nearly 20 years of self loathing, and all the behaviours that go along with it. But I suppose i'm making good progress given thats where i'm coming from...in that sense I'm probably a really good test case for this sub.

I want to do this for 6 months, but part of me wants to cap it at 3 and jump onto AM6 if that is out by then. Being a mature, confident alpha is where I want to be more than anything. and much of what i aim to achieve with LTU 3 seems to be there in AM6 (from what I've heard)

[Darwinn]

Day 24

Life definitely seems to be improving though I wouldn't want to tempt fate. I'm mostly in a happier state, I'm beating myself up about things less and less, in fact not at all. I went to a shrink the other day who said I have adhd and put me on meds, I haven't taken them yet.


The last few days though I've been having some disturbing dreams, dreams where really horrible things happen and I find myself having to deal with them - then I wake up thinking "fuck, I'm so relieved that was just a dream".

This morning for instance I awoke from a dream where if lost all my teeth and looked like sloth from the goonies! Then last night I dreamt I'd become so indifferent that I killed someone and had to find some way of hiding their body. It's pretty f'd up but they're just dreams.