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+--- Thread: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal (/Thread-Transcendent-Sith-Lord-s-DMSI-3-3-D-Journal)
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - DarthXedonias - 11-20-2018
Think it is finally time for me to give a report on USLM v3.2 since I've pretty much be quiet this entire time. I will try to go over everything of importance and hopefully not skip over anything. I think the thing I should report is that a significant amount of fear feels like it was dealt though not without any pain. There were times during the first few days where I would feel intense fear and I would literally feel myself shivering while going through this. I also felt like my mind was all over the place.
Then something interesting happened on the first day of my break. I woke up and automatically felt a way I hadn't felt in a long time. It felt like my head space and feelings were the same as if when I was 11-12 years old. My internal chat felt less cluttered and more defined. Then I started remembering things from around this time. Getting kicked out of public School because they said "We don't think we can help him" (due to my grades) and then only getting home schooled by my mother for about 2-3 months until she finally just rather do something else like work on her career. Basically, everyone rather do something else than deal with me.
To get to the main problem though it feels like this version is better to a degree the use of that loophole I mentioned has gone into overdrive. I don't really "feel" anything now. I've done pretty much nothing for the past 6 days really. Despite that its so bad I don't even really feel boredom either. I just don't feel anything. I just feel like I am merely existing. Haven't gotten any work on my courses done really either which is setting me back. I did feel a bit of initial motivation to get started with my investing again and already funded my account but even that is somewhat gone now. I would hate to use this example but this "loophole" almost feels similar to those patients at a mental hospital who are heavily sedated all the time in order to protect them from themselves and the people around them.
I do feel like this is the last loophole my subconscious has. Its like if it weren't allowed to artificially numb my emotions then the part resisting wouldn't have anything left really. I think this issue is confirmed when even when I try to get riled up about something I just stop mid way, just sigh, and say "I don't care". This was the exact same attitude I had on 3.2 when I would see a women and then I would just say "I don't care". I am getting a little bit frustrated with this tactic being used. Its like now its shutting down even the anger trying to motivate me to do something as well.
Some things did come to my mind as well while this is going on. First is that I remember distinctly one thing that helped me shut off my emotions when I was younger. My mother planted a fear in my young mind early on. "Don't let anyone see our emotions or they will use it against you", mind you I was only like 5-6 when she said this. I think that being taught to me fucked me up to some degree as well. Then on top of that since my actual reality (at home and school) was so bad I took to just using my imagination all the time which unfortunately carried a lot into adult hood. It was like my reality sucks and is always going to suck so might as well just escape to some imaginary world where I can have some kind of solace.
Either way, that is the only major things I have noticed so far. This kind of silence internally is peacefully to an extent but I just don't feel anything. That is causing major problems.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - Shannon - 11-20-2018
Keep going.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - DarthXedonias - 11-21-2018
(11-20-2018, 03:27 PM)Shannon Wrote: Keep going.
Oh, I do plan to keep going. Weirdly enough I've found while FRM has been introduce that my propensity to want to run away from a sub has been drastically reduced for some reason. Maybe it is dealing with fear in such a way that isn't triggering that response like Healing/clearing was? Not sure at the moment. I do find it amusing somehow how the part resisting has gone to two different extremes as far as tactics. On 3.2 B it was scorched earth and constantly being bombarded with every negative emotion constantly to the point I could execute. Now with FRM its basically numb me of pretty much any emotion so I can't feel motivated to execute anything.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - Shannon - 11-21-2018
I think that your tactic here is, "If nothing triggers fear, then I don't have to execute the FRM."
It may or may not work in the long term, I don't know. What I do know is that I am pretty sure already took care of that little tactic in v4.
When we hit v5, FRM should be virtually impossible to sabotage.
So keep going, I want to see if 3.2 kills that tactic over time.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - DarthXedonias - 11-21-2018
(11-21-2018, 05:55 PM)Shannon Wrote: I think that your tactic here is, "If nothing triggers fear, then I don't have to execute the FRM."
It may or may not work in the long term, I don't know. What I do know is that I am pretty sure already took care of that little tactic in v4.
When we hit v5, FRM should be virtually impossible to sabotage.
So keep going, I want to see if 3.2 kills that tactic over time.
Thanks for the reply, I must be getting close then. I noticed a similarity here of the part resisting just sabotaging anything that would "trigger" the instructions now. With 3.2 it was just to get rid of my sexual interest in any women so I didn't have to "activate" the program as it were. Now with this sub its make it so I don't feel anything, primarily fear, so I don't trigger the FRM. It must be getting desperate at this point that it can't out right resist the program and can only get around it by neutralizing anything that would "trigger" the program.
That did remind me of one thing that kind of supports this. Last week, Thursday or Friday, when I was getting that constant fear that was causing me to literally shake for hours it literally felt like my subconscious was trying to desperately resist the program head on. From what my intuition told me it seemed like it was trying to resist and "regrow" any fear that had been dealt with. The regrow part was the main thing that stuck out when I was analyzing what was going on. Needless to say i felt the part resisting was having no such luck, then after this happened I started just becoming emotionally "numb". Guess was it just switching tactics after it was apparently it doesn't have the strength or energy to combat the instructions head on.
In other news, I did get 2 free snacks from the gas station I go to every once in a while. The women gave them to me for free because they got a whole extra box of them that they didn't need. One other thing is I will be getting back into trading stock options again, will probably start Friday since tomorrow is a holiday. I am slightly annoyed about something. Had I not been in this numb state the past few days there is a good chance I could have paid attention to a certain couple of stock options I was interested in and could have already been sitting on 75k to 500k at the moment. Sigh, still annoyed about missing that but there will be other chances. Will see if there is any good chances that present themselves on Friday.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - Shannon - 11-21-2018
Quote:Thanks for the reply, I must be getting close then. I noticed a similarity here of the part resisting just sabotaging anything that would "trigger" the instructions now. With 3.2 it was just to get rid of my sexual interest in any women so I didn't have to "activate" the program as it were. Now with this sub its make it so I don't feel anything, primarily fear, so I don't trigger the FRM. It must be getting desperate at this point that it can't out right resist the program and can only get around it by neutralizing anything that would "trigger" the program.
That did remind me of one thing that kind of supports this. Last week, Thursday or Friday, when I was getting that constant fear that was causing me to literally shake for hours it literally felt like my subconscious was trying to desperately resist the program head on. From what my intuition told me it seemed like it was trying to resist and "regrow" any fear that had been dealt with. The regrow part was the main thing that stuck out when I was analyzing what was going on. Needless to say i felt the part resisting was having no such luck, then after this happened I started just becoming emotionally "numb". Guess was it just switching tactics after it was apparently it doesn't have the strength or energy to combat the instructions head on.
This is a very good sign. It means the instructions are powerful enough and very difficult, if not impossible to sabotage. Obviously, it is trying to sabotage them, but even if it succeeds with v3.2 (and v4), I will find a way to stop whatever it comes up with.
This is why I have been willing to continue developing DMSI: I have been playing a long game that I can't lose. You guys come up with some resistance tactic or sabotage tactic, and I prevent it in the next version of the script. Over time, there will be nothing left to do but execute or run away. And as I have said before, I am going to try to make it impossible to run away.
So here's to persistence and perseverance.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - DarthXedonias - 11-23-2018
Thought I give an update real quick.
Even after my break seems like there is no change really. I still can't feel anything. Well except for feeling a bit unnerved and a little bit frustrated at times for now feeling anything. Though even those feelings are fleeting. I might try to motivated myself to get a paper I've been working on done (which I haven't worked on for close to 2 weeks now) but even then even that motivation is just squashed. Its like any feeling that I try to get that might move me in the right direction is automatically squashed and I'm just left just sitting here the last few days doing nothing. Its like I'm just existing here and heck I don't even "feel" boredom either. I hope 3.3 comes out soon so even though it might only help out with courses in a indirect way through OE I can get things moving again and stop just acting like some robot.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.3 TID Journal - DarthXedonias - 11-24-2018
@Shannon I think I might have discovered a few pieces of the puzzle though I'm trying to make sense of it all and maybe you can hopefully. Hopefully this doesn't take up too much of your time but I have the feeling this maybe important to the development of FRM possibly. So, after I woke like an hour ago I kind of got frustrated with my lack of progress with my work. So, I tried to gather whatever feeling of motivation I could to finally get it done. The first 2 times right as I tried to feel motivated it was like something right away started eating at the feeling. It was like it was rapidly being dissipated. I tried a third time which was the strongest I tried to concentrate on it then the dissipation started happening but something else also happened. I started having shortness of breathe and my heart started to beat rapidly.
In the middle of this my mind started to feel numb for a bit then an intuition jumped out at me. It was this idea that something was messing with either my short or long term memory. That's when something else was revealed to me: The dream had last night seemed to deal exactly with this topic. For background info I had noticed at the begin since you introduced FRM my dreams have been a lot more clearer, make more sense, and I am usually able to remember them at least for a few hours after waking up. I have noticed though since about a week to 2 weeks ago I would get only the hazy feeling that I was dreaming but remember nothing.
Either way the Dream was that I was going to the movies in a mall with my older brother and my niece. I gave my ticket to my niece and told them to wait for me at the entrance to theater while I'm at one of the entrance stores to get some snacks. I wondered through this store with an "feeling" of what I wanted but no concrete idea. So I wondered through the aisles until I got what I wanted, had some help ring me up though he was having a problem after first ringing it up. I then tried to walk to find another opening in the store leading to further into the mall and to the theater but every time I took a few steps it was like I totally forgot everything. I would have to stop and think why I was there, and where I was going. Everytime this would happen I would still have this feeling that I had to go north (where the theater is) but then I would have to think why I was heading that way then I would remember only to forget when I walked a few steps.
It was like I was just walking from one side of the store to the other with no way of getting to my goal because I would quickly forget about it and then have to remember why I was there in the first place. I don't think this is a coincidence that I remembered this dream right when I felt like something was messing with my short or long term memory. Mind you, I have no idea if this is related to me being emotionally numbed this entire time or if this is a new tactic. Just thought I should report all this while I still remember it clearly. It seemed important for some reason. Anyway, maybe you can make more sense of this than I can.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - DarthXedonias - 12-16-2018
Thought I would give my thoughts on 3.3 so far since I haven't written anything yet.
I've only noticed mostly internal changes at the moment really. I'm a lot more calmer and I'm quite dissatisfied with just staying in the house at the moment. Though i've done so because of another thing I have noticed: My motivation to finish my courses has come back and I want to get out of here ASAP. The good-news is that I should be graduating some time early next month hopefully. I know why this is. I think the sub is really trying to push me to be somewhere else where I would find the women more to my liking. I have to admit ever since I got back from the Philippines I haven't really been all that concerned with women in the US really. Its like I'm just not that interested.
I felt like relationships were so much more easier and less complicated in Asia. Therefore my interest in a American women has gone down considerably. So it does seem like I'm really being pushed to move out of the states when I can. Only thing that might keep me here for a about 2 months or so staying here to pay off a bit of debt I got from my last trip. I have also decided if possible I might secure a job in Korea, put my stuff in storage, then take another month long trip to the Philippines then go to my job from Korea right from there.
On the few times I have been out I have had this feeling that I am executing but it seems to be on a low end scale since I'm just not as interested in most of the women in my area. I have noticed that women in general seem to be a lot nicer to me and try to make conversation though. One other internal thing did happen on the first night I listen to the sub after my first 2 day break. I was laying in bed and the first thought that occurred to me really was this idea that most of what people around me in earlier years taught me was incorrect or just plain lies. It was like once I accepted that I started to feel this constant build up of sexual energy and it just kept on building up for several hours while I listened to the sub. It felt like something was having some kind of break-thru. Still didn't notice as much when i went out that day though.
Lastly there is one thing that really surprised me which means something must be changing. My mother had tried another way to try to control me. She tried to make me go outside to her van to get something for her that she herself had forgot there. I had nothing to do with it so i didn't see why I had to go out and get something she forgot. I just ignored her for most of the day when she tried to get me to do this shit. Later that night she actually did something that shocked me. She actually "apologized" for trying to make me go out their to fetch her bag for her. Many of you who have read my descriptions of her would know she "never, ever" apologizes or takes responsibility for something. I can't even remember a time when she had done this. Then later today she tried to act nice and kind for some reason.
Don't know what that was all about but I guess something must be changing that I'm not aware of yet. Anyway, that's about all that has been happening. In general more people acting nice to me and some internal changes but not much of anything else. I have the feeling I am having dreams while I sleep but I don't remember anything when I wake up like in previous versions. I will try to update again soon.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - DarthXedonias - 12-21-2018
First day after my 2nd break of loops. I don't know, I just don't feel anything going on with this version yet. The only thing I've noticed when I go out is sometimes I will get the jitters when I'm out in public and slight anxiety with it. It reminds me of when in the past I had to get up and do a speech in front of the class. My body usually starts shaking a bit, which should donate fear. Thing is despite that I haven't noticed anything yet at all really.
After deciding that I'm going to take another trip to the Philippines before I head right to Korea I opened up my online profile again. It is kind of early to tell but I'm not getting the sort of responses that I was getting before. Anyway I don't know why but I tried sitting down and trying analyze what is going on underneath the hood and I came up with nothing. Just this feeling that something felt off but I don't know what. Maybe I will be able to determine what that is in the coming days but I'm not too sure. I've felt like ever since I started this version that my ability to really understand what is going on internally just isn't there really.
If anything changes I will try report it but so far this past 2 weeks or so I just haven't noticed anything. Externally or internally.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - DarthXedonias - 12-23-2018
Ok, short little update. Yesterday I did mess up my last loop of the day because I answered a video phone call I was expecting so quickly without thinking. It wasn't until the conversation was over with I realized i had interrupted my loops. Despite that I did have something interesting happen. I went to go drop some money off at western union and was waiting in line at this one counter. All of a sudden this some what older lady (not too old) went by me saying "oh excuse me, sorry" kind of loudly and I thought she said it kind of more loud than she should have. She passed behind me closely when she did that and got in line behind me. It was like immediately that I noticed this heat rising from around my neck area. This is the first time on this version I have felt any real heat response while out in public.
This heat kept on building up but it didn't seem like she was affected. She was just there on her phone though she was kind of close. Then she tried to say something funny when some kid who was passing by yelled something out. She of course said this to me. I laughed or whatever went to the counter when it was my turn but unfortunately had to go somewhere else since their western union was station was down. Either way that's the only thing that i've noticed so far. Don't know if slowly the sub is being executed. Guess we shall see. About to start my loops for today soon.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - Shannon - 12-23-2018
The FRM is designed to be comfortable for all parts of you, but specifically to keep your conscious mind from experiencing the effects of the work it is doing. If it is also designed to remove the fears that prevent you from executing then you will only notice two possible things while it is working.
1. You have some fears preventing some execution, which allows for some execution, but not full.
2. You have fears trying to completely block all execution, which results in apparently "nothing happening" while the FRM is busy working on those fears. The only time you will see anything at all in this case is when you have one or more fears removed, at which point the program will be able to execute whatever that fear was preventing.
Just be patient. It's not a simple job we have to do with the FRM, and we can only go so fast. Congratulations on starting to execute!
BTW, having the FRM working without being able to know what it's doing is also execution.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - DarthXedonias - 01-01-2019
Ok, been a while and I think I have big insight into what is going on. Before I mention that though I think I should mention I still see some results when I go to one gas station near me for snacks. Both these older women keep making conversation with me when I go there. One in particular who is "slightly" attractive imo probably talks the most to me. I did find out though that even though she was born here her parents are from one of the central American countries (Guatemala I believe) and she goes back to the country often. She is also thinking about going back there permanently within a few years.
On a related point I have this very reliable hunch that my subconscious is trying to sabotage my studies by making me extremely lazy at the moment. I have this intuition or rather this almost feeling of certainty that its doing this because it knows that if I get to South Korea I will execute. I put this down to 2 things why I would execute: (1) I do find most South korean women to look either cute or very attractive and (2) I think as Shannon theorized with my results when I got to the Philippines that the part of me that is executing is trying to get me to another country and culture where I won't risk those adverse negative reactions that I would have when dealing with American women.
So it would seem that my major priority right now would be to keep pushing through my studies so I can move out of here because as it seems right now the only women who seem to be affected at the moment are older women who are foreign born or whose parents are foreign born. That seems to be the link between a lot of them. I don't know but I guess at least for staying in America my subconscious might just have too much trauma from dealing with women here to want to even try attracting a women here overall.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal - DarthXedonias - 01-05-2019
Kind of an update but also probably for me to vent. Hopefully running the sub will help with this pain I'm feeling right now when I get to my loops.
Well, I was talking to one other women from the Philippines and somehow we got on the subject of the chick I had first seen and I had planned on maybe marrying (Since there is no "divorce rape" over there). For background info about 3 weeks ago I informed her that I was coming back and she said she would visit as friends if she had time off from her job. We talked and I had mentioned how I had met someone else and she said she was happy for me. I sent her another message to me afterwards but she never replied. Over the next few days I finally sent the message "So I guess we aren't talking anymore?" of which she read but never replied to.
Back to the present the women I'm talking to now said that I should probably video call her and I thought I should just do so as well so I can at least get some kind of closure if she really doesn't want to talk anymore. When I video call her I catch something that just sends me to being Angry and hurt at the same time though it does answer my question. Her video call picture was of her with some other black guy holding each other. Guess I had just been replaced (which at his point I think she is one of those fetish asian women) and therefore instead of remaining friends like she had mentioned she just straight up ignored me now.
Its not the fact that she found someone else that really hurts the most. Its the fact that she didn't just reply to me saying for example, "Hey I found someone else and I don't think it would be appropriate for me to keep talking to you". At least with that I could understand and get some sort of closure but she just went with the ignore option. This is the exact same way she acted when we broke up. She just ignored me for like 2-3 weeks or gave me one word replies. It wasn't until I confronted her about avoiding and ignoring me she finally came clean about it and she was the one that said to remain "friends" in the first place. Seems like she wasn't honest about that either. I know this is a lot but feel like I need to vent somewhat.
I'm just so angry and distraught right now. Funny enough I feel more now than I did during the actual break up.