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+--- Thread: E2 Journal (/Thread-E2-Journal)
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-30-2019
Day 60:
Today, I'm feeling alright. I'm not beating myself up over the friendship breakup or anything like that. Still, I find myself wondering how long this peace will last?
2 months into E2 and I have to be honest, I'm not sure if it's done anything. Maybe it has and I just haven't noticed?At any rate, I'm hoping for E3 to help make it so that I'm permanently over the friendship breakup and not just suppressing my feelings which is what I suspect to be my case right now.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-30-2019
On another note, I think it's been about a month since my parents and I went to the disability office to ask about disability. Which means it's been about a month since they told me I had about 3 months before I go on disability. Hopefully, that means I'll have the money for LTU5 within another couple of months... HOPEFULLY.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-30-2019
(05-12-2019, 01:50 PM)findingme Wrote: I pulled this from Greenduck's thread.
(05-12-2019, 12:53 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario. I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this. Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.
E2 is one of the easiest (not fastest) ways to come out of and THROUGH this self hatred. No kidding.
EP, do you want to fight for the right to destroy yourself?
Or do you want something, like new thinking, which will bring much better, and even happier, returns?
Every single one of us has doubted we'd arrive at our desired destination, even using subliminals. I realized while using many of Shannon's subs that I was actively working the opposite way. I didn't often share about it, for I'd done that for years in many settings. People got tired of it, and my support faded. The bold ones said "what do you WANT?! When you're tired of the results you're getting doing it your way, then turn around and go for that. You won't be alone then!"
I back that thinking now, for 2 reasons. First, it's the truth. I never found peace running from the truth. And secondly, I began to feel the pain I was putting myself through. I didn't know how to love myself, and I was afraid of this reality, as I'd mixed other pain-inducing beliefs into it.
E2 was the second sub I bought. And I skipped over it for almost a year. When I finally stayed on it, healing (meaning some internal pain) came about. I was SO active in self sabotaging myself that I was doubtful of my ability to stay on it for 90 days. Running the ultrasonic day and night is the only way I got through it.
You can too. Your story and pain is not uncommon here. There is hope. Look for it, and you'll find it. If you keep your eyes on your mistakes, you'll find them too. It's a practice I am still learning.
And lastly: there is value in every single mistake you've ever made. PTPA kicked in while on E2, highlighting that. I encourage you strongly: HANG ON!! The ride is WORTH it! You are worth it!
I just re-read these words. Thanks, Findingme, for your support and encouragement. I realize I too am very active in this process of pain and suffering I put myself through. There are probably some false beliefs that need to change, but I either don't know what they are or don't know how to change them. Hopefully with the help of Shannon's subliminals, that will change. Thank you for your support and thanks to everyone else (Greenduck, THolt, Benjamin, etc.) for your support as well.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-31-2019
Day 61:
I'm tired as hell today. I'm like a walking zombie. I was late for an appointment I had with my job specialist, because I forgot I even had an appointment and she called. I worked with her and took an interest profiler quiz that matched up with my current plans. I got homework to do on that: fill out a career exploration worksheet and work on my resume.
We're still not done with the job on the fence, but I might be able to get E3 anyway soon, so if you see an E3 journal up, you'll know I've bought it.
The disability people sent a letter saying I'm not disabled which is bullshit. It's like a catch-22: Fill out these forms if you're disabled, but if you can fill out the forms, you're clearly not disabled. The way out of this catch-22 is to get an attorney. That's how you do it. So it might be a bit longer than anticipated before I can go on LTU5. At least I'll have E3 until then...
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-31-2019
The job's MOSTLY done. There's a few minor things that need to be done, but the fence is mostly finished. The neighbour we were building the fence for should be back tomorrow. So I should be getting paid soon. E3, here I come!
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-01-2019
Day 62:
The neighbour hasn't come back to pay me yet, but I might still have E3 later today.
I'm suppressing my feelings about the friendship breakup, so I don't feel so bad today. Hopefully, E3 will help me to be free of those feelings about it.
Anyway, 2 months of E2... I always stop using E2 after 2 months. Granted, it's so I can go right into E3, so that's fine.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-01-2019
I have an appointment with a hairstylist today, which means I'll have to pay her. And tip her.
**sigh**
So much for having the money to get E3 today..
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-01-2019
So the hair appointment cost me a whopping 65 dollars.
I talked dad into paying for half of it and giving me the dull 40 he promised for the fence work though. I told mom I wouldn't have enough for what I was saving up for and she generously gave me a 20.
Dad and I got inro an argument in the car about whether or not I'm wasting my money on theae subs. He pointed out that from what he can see, E2 doesn't seem to have done anything, and I'm having to pay full price for an upgrade, then insisted that if subliminal affirmations worked, they would undoubtedly be used in therapy everywhere.
I pointed out that E2 is a baby next to E3 from what I've seen in users jpurnals and that theae subs are unlike anything ever done before as far as subs are concerned.
Whatever. I don't need to convince dad. I just need to be able to afford E3 (and later LTU5)
With the money mom gave me, I mighthave JUST ENOUGH to afford E3.
If not, it'll take some more time before I'm on E3.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-01-2019
Just bought E3, despite my father's protests. Will be using it tonight. And that's the end of THIS journal. the E3 journal shall be my new journal.
RE: E2 Journal - RTBoss - 06-02-2019
(06-01-2019, 06:55 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I have an appointment with a hairstylist today, which means I'll have to pay her. And tip her.
**sigh**
So much for having the money to get E3 today..
Geez, man. Going to a stylist who shampoos and may/may not do a better job than cheaper places is a luxury. When you're living w/ your folks and don't have money, go to a strip mall hair place like Great Clips, or whatever. My place even accepts competitor's coupons. With tip, I get out of there for $15.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-02-2019
I ended up still having the money for it, so it's good. This hairstylist is somebody we know personally, so it kinda feels like I have to use her, you know? Hard to explain. Anyway, doesn't matter cause I still got E3.
RE: E2 Journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 06-02-2019
Just took a nap and had a dream where I or somebody else was method acting as a dying man who was in grief over his dying. Then I remembered the "becoming" method and Law of Attraction and decided to stop acring like a depressed dying man, took a power stance with my legs spread and my fists on my hips and decided to method act somebody who would naturally have the mentality to do that. Interesting dream.