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+--- Thread: Findingme's E2 journal (/Thread-Findingme-s-E2-journal)
RE: Findingme's E2 journal - findingme - 11-07-2018
I'm against doing a "victim/manipulative/dishonest with me" stance sharing here. E2 is saving my life since it has Overcome The Victim Mentality in it. I completely lived by that victim mentality in times past, and the lack of integrity it involves isolates and isolated me. It's using people. Nothing else. So, I'm unsure how to express what I am feeling.
Specifically, I feel unconfident. Like a platform I've been standing on has been pulled out from under me. I felt secure about my future many times using E2, knowing I'd be ok even while in pain. I felt like a young teenager seeing life with new eyes. I know I've been in a negative thinking ritual for years, E2 changed it slowly and gently, but it mostly had me integrating and practicing a positive attitude. I saw this gradual shift from relying on anyone else for positive thinking to pulling it from inside. It was freeing and exciting, wondering "what will happen today?"
But yesterday's sudden awareness had me doing old survival habits in the face of fear, seeking to feel good, or different, now. The strength of the memory and its reality had me scared to go back on E2, fearing it'd pull out EVERYTHING I feared. I'd played ASC last night, felt it today, but unsurprisingly, I felt turbulence. I was stuck with feeling insecure and unconfident, though glimpses of confidence did emerge. But, it was running from things which scare me--my self-cast beliefs of who I am. .....but running prompts more running. And it just cycled.
I'm playing E2 now, feeling a little less stressed, though I've only had it on 20 minutes so far.
I'm thinking of Mat422's old DMSI posts where he says he's knows he's trying to control the outcome. I'm doing that. Aren't we supposed to do that? I'm knowing it's nothing but fear.
I thought I was out of the muck, and I could finally breathe. --- that's not true. I always kept my eyes open for the easy out, the easy ride while living in emotional pain. I picked up USLM for that reason, not to go seek success. My motive was to not feel or fear emotional pain every single day.
I'm running E2 now since.......my inner pain never seems to go away, whether doing something or doing nothing at all. Hiding from it, running from it, is hell. E2 has some reprieve. I'll go one day at a time right now.
Tears only came in that last sentence. With some surrendering.
RE: Findingme's E2 journal - mat422 - 11-09-2018
Hey man, I think you're stuck in a loop here. I recognize this because I went through the same thing. E2 helps, but when it hits really core fears it's like the undo button on the computer. It all just goes rushing back in. The doubts, the shame, the emotional trauma you thought was cleared, etc. It's bad too because sometimes you think you're better and then one little upset comes along and blows everything up. It's like a small window that opens for all the insecurities to come flooding back in.
I'd actually encourage you to get on USLM3. Even if success isn't your goal, but I think it is. It's very flexible and I think having a solid set of goals would set your mind in the right direction. Think of it this way. E2 is taking the approach of emptying your cup, but it's constantly getting refilled so it's a long battle. USLM3 is stopping that pattern of refilling the cup and instilling new positives. Eventually that's what holds dominance in your mind and the emotional upsets become a thing of the past. I know it's hard to imagine how life long traumas or emotional pain could fade into the background, but they only hold as much power as they are given. That's controversial to most people because we are constantly told we have to experience emotional upsets, go into the pain to heal it, etc. We simply just were not given a better way, but it's there now.
Our minds are habit seeking. Emotional pain could very well be just strong habits built up in our minds. Not something that needs to be "released" so much as having the attention and focus shifted towards what we want.
I've been on USLM3 for 3 days now and I haven't fallen into that ruminating thinking where I'm swallowed up by my emotions. That place, that rumination, is the fear. It gives you an excuse not to keep moving forward. If you're struggling with emotional pain then it's a sort of distraction from doing what you really want to do in your life. I think it would really help you out in this regard too.
RE: Findingme's E2 journal - findingme - 11-09-2018
(11-09-2018, 03:47 AM)mat422 Wrote: Hey man, I think you're stuck in a loop here.Agreed. I'm seeing an endless cycle of returning to old pain.
(11-09-2018, 03:47 AM)mat422 Wrote: I'd actually encourage you to get on USLM3. Even if success isn't your goal, but I think it is.I pulled off E2 last night. I knew I was heading towards USLM, and I needed to begin doing so. Regarding success, I agree with you. I am in it for success. My first goal is to feel ok with it and to feel ok with me once again.. Part of my cycle of pain is assuming failure on even little things. The recycling of pain in E2 has kept me low since present goals of healing have felt like I'm failing. I knew some of the low is in my lack of confidence, and I considered doing ASC first. But my lack of confidence is mostly fueled by a fear I'd fail, even in small things. I knew I might go in circles if I did ASC first, USLM is solely focused on rewriting my beliefs, and I need that instead. USLM3 begins 5 days from now.
(11-09-2018, 03:47 AM)mat422 Wrote: That's controversial to most people because we are constantly told we have to experience emotional upsets, go into the pain to heal it, etc.
For at least the last 10 years of my life, I've had pride mostly in being able to express myself emotionally to others. I always feel like I'm trying to "sell" myself. Even here. In my years in 12 step groups. In almost every post I write. I've not believed I was moving forward on E2 like I had before I had my setback this week, so.....I felt like I was failing. I didn't write. Thank you for reaching out.
I have no flippin' idea how I'll change with USLM. Even imagining brings up fear and failure feelings. I'd start tonight, but don't want turbulence headaches and such.
(11-09-2018, 03:47 AM)mat422 Wrote: Our minds are habit seeking. Emotional pain could very well be just strong habits built up in our minds.Yes. Too true. Very very true in my life.
(11-09-2018, 03:47 AM)mat422 Wrote: That place, that rumination, is the fear. It gives you an excuse not to keep moving forward. If you're struggling with emotional pain then it's a sort of distraction from doing what you really want to do in your life. I think it would really help you out in this regard too.
Been doing it and doing it. Again and again. Never facing my fears. Just "living" in them
I'm tired from work, and am going to stop now.
Thank you Matt! I am grateful
This was a good correction and encouragement.
RE: Findingme's E2 journal - Zane - 11-10-2018
Just get on USLM3-5.5G train!!!
RE: Findingme's E2 journal - mat422 - 11-10-2018
Glad it helped you out a bit. I've been stuck in the emotional pain cycle in the past, it aint fun. You're doing a lot of work to improve yourself and you definitely deserve to feel better. Hopefully USLM3 can give that to you. Looking forward to see how things unfold for you