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+--- Thread: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear (/Thread-Revisiting-guilt-shame-and-fear)
Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-02-2014
Had some time off. First of all I want to say that Sarge, you were right about a bunch of things. I had a lot of negative stuff to deal with that made it damn near impossible for me to look at things. And I want to apologize if it seemed like I was blowing off your advice. I have a bad habit of withdrawing when painful truths come to the surface.
That being said I thought I'd revisit the ol' guilt, shame, and fear. The funny thing about these subs is I've noticed when I think about other people knowing I run these, I feel shame. But I'm not wrong. I'm trying to better myself. Shame is something that's been hiding beneath the surface for a lot of things for me. Some apparent and some damn near invisible.
It's funny because in the past I was so focused on change. I'd tell myself that this time it will be different, this time I'll be ready. But I wasn't and I now know why. Change isn't this shift from one state to the next, it's not taking that perfectly visualized image of yourself somewhere in the future and becoming that. It's about taking who you are and refining, and that involves accepting yourself, not trying to be someone else. See I used change as a way to further bury my negative emotions and beliefs about myself. My change was motivated by fear, which isn't good. Now here's where things get kind of interesting. In order to address feelings of shame, guilt, or fear you have to first acknowledge that you have those issues. But guess what? In my case I was ashamed of having negative emotions about myself. I had shame about the possibility of having internalized deep shame. Shame essentially keeping shame in place. What I learned is that I repressed a lot of stuff.
Revisiting these three emotions, man they really do explain a lot. Gradually I'm learning that social anxiety is not just this or that. It's not one particular thing, it's a combination. There's fear, never knowing if someone will be hostile and not able to trust. And shame, where I push people away because I don't think they will like me. And the more bad experiences you have with people, the more you might internalize the belief "what's wrong with me?" Thus creating a viscous cycle of fear and shame. Guilt is a tricky one, but it's subtle and it's there. I would say it presents itself in my inability to say no sometimes because of well, guilt.
Man this is getting long. But I feel like it's important that I type out what I experienced today. I had a moment of clarity when I realized that it is so important to heal yourself and remove negativity before you can move forward in life. So many people measure success through outward achievements, social status, etc. and believe this is what they should focus on. I used to believe I had to get a good job, get a girlfriend, get better at my music, exercise, and generally just get a good life going and then maybe my emotions towards myself would turn around. But no, I realized the most important thing is your relationship with yourself. If you can't be accepting of yourself, you will be dissatisfied in every area of your life. I've realized in the U.S., not sure about other countries, that there is so much emphasis on "doing something". As if goal setting and achievements are the key to gaining happiness. Happiness truly comes from within and then your goals and achievements are an extension of that happiness. Making up for a wrecked inner self through chasing the high of achievements is a recipe for disaster.
If you asked me a year ago if I was repressing emotions I would have told you hell no, I'm so emotionally open. And it was true, for surface level emotions I expressed them and didn't stuff them down. But it's the deeper stuff that I didn't dig up. The hidden motivation behind my obsession with being good at something or pushing people away until I reached perfection. It truly is amazing what the mind can do to get us to avoid deeper unresolved emotions and beliefs. Especially for me when I had the convenience of psychological labels like OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. It was easier to acknowledge the symptoms and tell myself I don't know than to really get down into what caused those symptoms. Let's face it, nobody likes facing the deep parts of themselves that reflect that insecurity or unstable self. Especially when most of us have built up such a convincing facade. But that's ultimately where the self growth lies and it's taken me a while to accept that.
I'm still trying to reverse my bad habit of repressing. On one hand I don't want to get stuck in dwelling in the negative. On the other hand I don't want to outright deny those emotions and believe I've overcome them when I haven't. It's a tricky situation, one that I've struggled with for a while. I'll have to see how things progress.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - AlphaScorpio - 02-03-2014
Hey Mat what about doing emotional healing and pain relief in 5g ? that has OGSF as well lots of other stuff that deals with trauma etc. It's also free! could be more effective than just OGSF in 4g?
All the best
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - Patti - 02-03-2014
I agree with Alpha Mat, you might wanna give that a shot.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-03-2014
(02-03-2014, 05:56 AM)AlphaScorpio Wrote: Hey Mat what about doing emotional healing and pain relief in 5g ? that has OGSF as well lots of other stuff that deals with trauma etc. It's also free! could be more effective than just OGSF in 4g?
All the best
Oh wow, didn't even see that one. Thanks for the heads up. For sure I'll give that one a go. This has made my day, looks like some good stuff.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - Shannon - 02-03-2014
It's good stuff. Might be right up your alley. I suggest a 3 to 6 month run.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-03-2014
So I've been running the emotional pain relief and healing sub today and I have to say. It feels good. Like a massage, but in my body. All kinds of weird energetic sensations. And I feel on overall ease to it.
I used to meditate a lot. The majority of the time it was to release painful emotions. But I would very often become stuck in them. It was hard not to. For a large portion of my life my mind was very disconnected from my emotions. They never communicated well. My head would tell me one thing and my emotions would pull me in a separate direction. I feel like while running this sub I can acknowledge negative feelings and let them go without being attached. There's a sense of unity with my mind and kind of knowing of what to do. Something that I find kind of hard to achieve on my own.
Which brings me to my next point. I feel like I've got some dogma stuck in my mind when it comes to emotional healing. I've been led to believe you have to express it and face it. Maybe even immerse yourself in the pain. But this sub is showing me there's a way to heal and let go without having to experience that. No need to dig up old wounds and pour salt in them, just acknowledge they are there and allow yourself to heal. It's a hell of a lot easier this way, but part of my mind is screaming no you aren't fully acknowledging your emotions. There's a very big difference between acknowledgement of your emotions from a place of healing vs stuck in trauma. Hopefully as I progress with this subliminal I can have that kind of releasing on autopilot.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-04-2014
Eh spoke too soon. I think I just got overly excited with this sub. Healing is healing, you can't push it along any faster than you are ready for. It's a hell of a lot faster than anything I could do on my own though.
It's funny when I think about how obsessed I am with getting healing done the right way. Which just points to shame and my need to get things done perfectly. Like I said before, the behaviors and actions I frequently engage in have their roots in negative beliefs about myself. The issue is sometimes they slip right under my radar and are incredibly hard to catch.
I just have to learn to relax more and let things be instead of trying to force it along. Which I probably have trouble with because I'm an overthinker, and my obsessive thinking is a way for me to further distance myself from my emotions and maintain control. But it's a kind of neurotic control, not real control.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-10-2014
All I can say is, ouch. This is bringing up some heavy depression in me. Although last night before I went to sleep I thought about all the people in my head who might judge me or see me as weak. Not anyone I know, kind of the faceless people or more likely my own critical self evaluation about myself. I just said screw what they think. I have my own journey and my own problems and if they don't understand it doesn't matter. I've got enough to deal with, no point in making the negativity stronger by comparing myself to others.
Not really a complete 180 in thinking, but at least it's something. At least now I can focus on myself and getting better, regardless of what others think. When you're in the depths of depression it's hard to tell when you'll get out of it. Like navigating a dark corridor until you reach the light at the end. There's a lot of hopelessness and frustration, but also hope and expectation for things to get better.
Yesterday was a darker day than usual. Sometimes letting it be and not stressing about feeling better makes things move along faster. Avoiding really stressful things seems to be the key for me in recovering.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - SargeMaximus - 02-10-2014
(02-10-2014, 02:15 PM)mat422 Wrote: All I can say is, ouch. This is bringing up some heavy depression in me. Although last night before I went to sleep I thought about all the people in my head who might judge me or see me as weak. Not anyone I know, kind of the faceless people or more likely my own critical self evaluation about myself. I just said screw what they think. I have my own journey and my own problems and if they don't understand it doesn't matter. I've got enough to deal with, no point in making the negativity stronger by comparing myself to others.
It's good to see you taking some control back.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-13-2014
Not much to update, but I've realized one of the best things I can actually do for myself is to minimize stress. And in order to do that I have to take it easy on myself. For whatever reason I have never done that. It's easy to get caught up in pushing yourself to the limit and not realizing how badly you are stressing yourself out. Eventually you just break down. I find when it comes to self growth, you really have to treat your mind like a muscle. You work it hard enough for it to grow, but not to the point where you are exhausted or busted up.
So far the sub is helping me push myself a little more, but from a place of relaxation instead of stress. I guess it's the difference between doing something and forcing myself to do something. One is a hell of a lot more stressful than the other. It's one of those things where you don't realize how stressed you've actually been until you notice how relaxed you can be.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-13-2014
Had a few thoughts today. I sat down and asked myself what I really wanted out of life. And not just the whole career thing. What I found was a lot of fear. I didn't want to be depressed, I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to suffer, I didn't want to struggle, I didn't want to have my life a complete mess. So what did I want? It's a pretty small list. I find that my life has pretty much revolved around dealing with my issues and I never really made any time for what I actually want.
I think one of my biggest wants right now is to get better at making music and get to a point where my music can be enjoyed by others. I love those feelings music can evoke in people or take them away to a different world. Music has and always will be my passion. Sometimes the spark does go away though. But focusing on what I want out of my music helps keep that passion alive somewhat. It's better than focusing on the negative and the fear based thoughts.
Aside from that, not much. I would like a job that I enjoy that pays enough for me to support myself. That would make me feel better as well. But right now I feel like I'm still stuck in survival mode and I have to keep focusing on what I want to gradually pull myself away from that vortex of negativity.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-16-2014
So something that bugs me a lot is I feel I can only relax at night. And while I don't have insomnia I have anxiety about going to sleep at night. For me it feels like at night the world kind of stops. Of course this has led me into a bad habit of staying up late and losing sleep. So one of my steps to getting better is to get to sleep as close to 10:00pm as possible. Lack of sleep isn't doing me any favors at this point and trading off sleep for a few more hours of peace isn't worth it if I feel worse in the long run. And with this 5G subliminal I feel like I'm going to need as much sleep as possible.
The other thing is I feel like there is growing discontent among people in the U.S. But some of them aren't willing to change or do what it takes to be happier, so they just lash out at people and carry around that negativity. Maybe even drag them down to their level and say "this is the way things are, get used to it".
I thought about death the other day. Eventually I'll die, I'll cease to exist. What's beyond that, I have no idea. But it made me realize if this is the one opportunity you get, you might as well try to make the most out of it. And while that doesn't fix everything for me and cause me to pull a complete 180, it gives me enough perspective to realize that it's not worth it to throw away hours of your life to settle for what you perceive as "safe". I may never be a great musician, I may never achieve much of anything, but the one thing I know that I want is happiness. I'm working on that and I still don't know how to get there, but I'll keep trying. In the end you shouldn't need external things to be happy, I think that includes achievements. By all means we should strive to achieve what we want, but basing your self worth on those achievements is a very bad idea. If you don't have inner peace all the achievements in the world will still make you feel hollow and empty. I think in the U.S. people's sense of self is so fractured and distorted they fall into the trap of finding fulfillment outside themselves. I guess that's needed in order to sell stuff though.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - SargeMaximus - 02-16-2014
Minimalism FTW.
Just be present with those people who get negative, ask the emotion inside them "are you ok?" when they act weird, you'd be surprised how often they snap out of it.
RE: Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear - mat422 - 02-21-2014
The more I use this sub the more it feels like things come in waves. There was a lot of tension and emotional issues that came up the past few days. The kind that makes me want to tear at my skin. And I have to be careful about recognizing when stuff is being released so I don't hold onto it thinking that things are getting worse.
And I realized that my perfectionist ways were causing me to have trouble with processing emotions. I realized I just have to let it pass. If I feel really awful I just have to do my best to make the best of it, but not beat myself up for feeling those feelings. Everything seems to be taken care of in the background of my mind, so lately I just don't ruminate as much on things and I just trust time will allow me to heal. Also making music helps a lot. I feel like I'm able to vent a lot of my feelings without words.
But I might be getting sick. This sub has definitely been putting me through hell. But these past few days I've been able to let go of things a lot easier and my overly critical side has subsided a lot. Life has become a bit more enjoyable now that I'm not caught up in being afraid of mistakes and failing. My self esteem no longer takes a nose dive when things get bad which is incredibly relieving. The most painful thing was knowing intellectually how mistakes weren't bad and they just helped me learn, but having this knee jerk response of immense shame when I messed up. I may slip up in the future, but for now things aren't that big of a deal, I just don't react as strongly because I know it doesn't serve a purpose and only makes me feel worse.
I also realized a very strong part of me not improving much over the years was a lack of self expression. I always had this little voice in my head that told me I was completely wrong and I should just shut up. Most of my feelings became a source of shame. And eventually I started to distrust myself a lot which caused this constant anxiety because I felt like I was completely incompetent in everything I did.