02-02-2014, 08:09 PM
Had some time off. First of all I want to say that Sarge, you were right about a bunch of things. I had a lot of negative stuff to deal with that made it damn near impossible for me to look at things. And I want to apologize if it seemed like I was blowing off your advice. I have a bad habit of withdrawing when painful truths come to the surface.
That being said I thought I'd revisit the ol' guilt, shame, and fear. The funny thing about these subs is I've noticed when I think about other people knowing I run these, I feel shame. But I'm not wrong. I'm trying to better myself. Shame is something that's been hiding beneath the surface for a lot of things for me. Some apparent and some damn near invisible.
It's funny because in the past I was so focused on change. I'd tell myself that this time it will be different, this time I'll be ready. But I wasn't and I now know why. Change isn't this shift from one state to the next, it's not taking that perfectly visualized image of yourself somewhere in the future and becoming that. It's about taking who you are and refining, and that involves accepting yourself, not trying to be someone else. See I used change as a way to further bury my negative emotions and beliefs about myself. My change was motivated by fear, which isn't good. Now here's where things get kind of interesting. In order to address feelings of shame, guilt, or fear you have to first acknowledge that you have those issues. But guess what? In my case I was ashamed of having negative emotions about myself. I had shame about the possibility of having internalized deep shame. Shame essentially keeping shame in place. What I learned is that I repressed a lot of stuff.
Revisiting these three emotions, man they really do explain a lot. Gradually I'm learning that social anxiety is not just this or that. It's not one particular thing, it's a combination. There's fear, never knowing if someone will be hostile and not able to trust. And shame, where I push people away because I don't think they will like me. And the more bad experiences you have with people, the more you might internalize the belief "what's wrong with me?" Thus creating a viscous cycle of fear and shame. Guilt is a tricky one, but it's subtle and it's there. I would say it presents itself in my inability to say no sometimes because of well, guilt.
Man this is getting long. But I feel like it's important that I type out what I experienced today. I had a moment of clarity when I realized that it is so important to heal yourself and remove negativity before you can move forward in life. So many people measure success through outward achievements, social status, etc. and believe this is what they should focus on. I used to believe I had to get a good job, get a girlfriend, get better at my music, exercise, and generally just get a good life going and then maybe my emotions towards myself would turn around. But no, I realized the most important thing is your relationship with yourself. If you can't be accepting of yourself, you will be dissatisfied in every area of your life. I've realized in the U.S., not sure about other countries, that there is so much emphasis on "doing something". As if goal setting and achievements are the key to gaining happiness. Happiness truly comes from within and then your goals and achievements are an extension of that happiness. Making up for a wrecked inner self through chasing the high of achievements is a recipe for disaster.
If you asked me a year ago if I was repressing emotions I would have told you hell no, I'm so emotionally open. And it was true, for surface level emotions I expressed them and didn't stuff them down. But it's the deeper stuff that I didn't dig up. The hidden motivation behind my obsession with being good at something or pushing people away until I reached perfection. It truly is amazing what the mind can do to get us to avoid deeper unresolved emotions and beliefs. Especially for me when I had the convenience of psychological labels like OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. It was easier to acknowledge the symptoms and tell myself I don't know than to really get down into what caused those symptoms. Let's face it, nobody likes facing the deep parts of themselves that reflect that insecurity or unstable self. Especially when most of us have built up such a convincing facade. But that's ultimately where the self growth lies and it's taken me a while to accept that.
I'm still trying to reverse my bad habit of repressing. On one hand I don't want to get stuck in dwelling in the negative. On the other hand I don't want to outright deny those emotions and believe I've overcome them when I haven't. It's a tricky situation, one that I've struggled with for a while. I'll have to see how things progress.
That being said I thought I'd revisit the ol' guilt, shame, and fear. The funny thing about these subs is I've noticed when I think about other people knowing I run these, I feel shame. But I'm not wrong. I'm trying to better myself. Shame is something that's been hiding beneath the surface for a lot of things for me. Some apparent and some damn near invisible.
It's funny because in the past I was so focused on change. I'd tell myself that this time it will be different, this time I'll be ready. But I wasn't and I now know why. Change isn't this shift from one state to the next, it's not taking that perfectly visualized image of yourself somewhere in the future and becoming that. It's about taking who you are and refining, and that involves accepting yourself, not trying to be someone else. See I used change as a way to further bury my negative emotions and beliefs about myself. My change was motivated by fear, which isn't good. Now here's where things get kind of interesting. In order to address feelings of shame, guilt, or fear you have to first acknowledge that you have those issues. But guess what? In my case I was ashamed of having negative emotions about myself. I had shame about the possibility of having internalized deep shame. Shame essentially keeping shame in place. What I learned is that I repressed a lot of stuff.
Revisiting these three emotions, man they really do explain a lot. Gradually I'm learning that social anxiety is not just this or that. It's not one particular thing, it's a combination. There's fear, never knowing if someone will be hostile and not able to trust. And shame, where I push people away because I don't think they will like me. And the more bad experiences you have with people, the more you might internalize the belief "what's wrong with me?" Thus creating a viscous cycle of fear and shame. Guilt is a tricky one, but it's subtle and it's there. I would say it presents itself in my inability to say no sometimes because of well, guilt.
Man this is getting long. But I feel like it's important that I type out what I experienced today. I had a moment of clarity when I realized that it is so important to heal yourself and remove negativity before you can move forward in life. So many people measure success through outward achievements, social status, etc. and believe this is what they should focus on. I used to believe I had to get a good job, get a girlfriend, get better at my music, exercise, and generally just get a good life going and then maybe my emotions towards myself would turn around. But no, I realized the most important thing is your relationship with yourself. If you can't be accepting of yourself, you will be dissatisfied in every area of your life. I've realized in the U.S., not sure about other countries, that there is so much emphasis on "doing something". As if goal setting and achievements are the key to gaining happiness. Happiness truly comes from within and then your goals and achievements are an extension of that happiness. Making up for a wrecked inner self through chasing the high of achievements is a recipe for disaster.
If you asked me a year ago if I was repressing emotions I would have told you hell no, I'm so emotionally open. And it was true, for surface level emotions I expressed them and didn't stuff them down. But it's the deeper stuff that I didn't dig up. The hidden motivation behind my obsession with being good at something or pushing people away until I reached perfection. It truly is amazing what the mind can do to get us to avoid deeper unresolved emotions and beliefs. Especially for me when I had the convenience of psychological labels like OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. It was easier to acknowledge the symptoms and tell myself I don't know than to really get down into what caused those symptoms. Let's face it, nobody likes facing the deep parts of themselves that reflect that insecurity or unstable self. Especially when most of us have built up such a convincing facade. But that's ultimately where the self growth lies and it's taken me a while to accept that.
I'm still trying to reverse my bad habit of repressing. On one hand I don't want to get stuck in dwelling in the negative. On the other hand I don't want to outright deny those emotions and believe I've overcome them when I haven't. It's a tricky situation, one that I've struggled with for a while. I'll have to see how things progress.
