After running DMSI 2 months, facing a growing resistance and having it affect the "security" of me being loving towards females close to me, I pulled off it. I used E2 a few days with good results.......but something was digging in me. It felt very similar to my UD days, like a truth was trying to be let out, so I switched over to UD, knowing it was focused primarily on that. I'm on it not seeking a feel-good, but a truth, many truths in fact, where the avoidance is showing consequences in my life.
I've been on UD about 1 1/2 weeks so far, and like before, anger is slowly growing. If I was lying (to myself), I'd say "it's THEIR fault". But just today I'm realizing I am doing this. Out of survival or whatever, I'm doing this: "if I'm obedient, they'll love me". I'm seeing this with my boss, and I did the same with my wife when we were married. It drains me.
Tied to that, I'm seeing how I've lived and hid in a fantasy most of my life. When I've been s*** on, I'd lie to myself, try to understand them, anything but face my feelings. Anything but feel and be responsible for those feelings. For I may grieve I'd lost something, I may be angry at myself, and the addiction cycle makes so much sense now. "If I run to this, I'll never have to face that!" It's encouraging writing that.
I may be about to break past my present emotional holds I've had in place. I'm not "happy", but I am grateful to have and use UD. I'm not happy presently since I'm seeing myself being used, it's angering me, and I'm seeing how I've "balooned" dangers in my head, just to not really face reality. I'll get through this. I'll go through it. I'll cry some, rage some, but feelings won't kill me. They may actually free me. Those are beautiful days
Feeling stronger this morning. I'm listening to some YT videos where I've often mentally switched to this fantasy state, imagining and dreaming of possibilities. But not this morning. That is real change. These are spiritual songs, and constantly hoping for fantasies to come to reality has irked me numerous times. I'm not doing that this morning. Sweet!
Edit: I feel stronger since I normally feel obligated or mandated to go that fantasy state. I didn't this morning
I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm scared. Feelings surfacing steadily, and damn............ just scared.
I'm choosing to share something I just wrote. I PM'd a man I know from an online Adult Children of Alcoholics forum I used to write regularly on. I wrote him since he is older, and not a peer. UD is looping into my history with my brother, the single peer I relied on most. I'm trying to pay attention to what I'm feeling, but here's what I wrote:
"I'm writing to be heard. I'm avoiding myself, which can have me imagining bad things happening emotionally, so I will let it out.
Outside, little is going on causing stress. Working regularly, applied for a job within the company, and "things" are not discouraging me. (I am heavily caffeinated at the moment, so that is likely causing my emotional stress........ That is situational, not permanent, nor terrible. I may take a long walk..)
But I'm writing seeking some connection. I've been posting on a forum for people using one vendor's subliminals. His stuff works, and seeing my present symptoms, I'm basically resisting some changes coming on caused by the subliminal.
I need to share my experience with the one I'm on to paint my picture. About September of last year, I picked up a subliminal called Universal Detox. A brand new sub, new technology, and the maker had said he'd wanted to make it for a long time. He finally found time, and began. It affects the physical, mental, and emotional parts of ourselves, and he said it'd detox every part of what makes "you". I used it for 3 months, and I was GREATLY helped. The biggest thing that happened was I could not lie to myself any more. Due to that, lying to people became impossible, and this made me very comfortable being ME. I've lied my entire life to please whoever, just to have someone say I was "worth" something. I didn't need that. UD (short for Universal Detox) allowed me to open up, share in meetings, cry regularly (since I'd not grieved in ages), and the battle I'd had in life toned down tremendously. It is the most EFFECTIVE subliminal I'd ever used.
I stopped after 3 months, thinking something (more than what I was experiencing) would make me happy. Well, nothing like that happened. Nothing turned upside down, but my "itch" didn't find a scratch. I've used 2 other subliminals since that time, but the contentment I sought wasn't found.
I began again on UD almost 2 weeks back, and I am learning and seeing things I'd never just noticed. In many relationships, I'm like "no wonder!" as I realize why I'm acting in certain ways. Fears of people leaving me have been the prominent message--and I'm seeing I either stick to them closely (goals or values mostly) or......I simply never get close to them. I abandon people before I'm stung with a pain of abandonment.
In fact.....I just took a break and realized I'm writing YOU since you're not a same-age peer like in my subliminal forum. UD is hitting my relationships with peers, men around me, and it's ....change. (If there is a main thing I'm grateful for using UD, it's how it took me to places emotionally I'd not been to for DECADES. I'd tried not to change--as my mom models it still to this day. Nothing explosive, but gradual, steady entry into many things I'd lost or was losing. I'd almost lost me) To this day, I still hold an unconscious judgement towards my brother who abandoned me physically when young, but emotionally when older. I've just lied to me--and anyone else--about how I felt. This same expectation of abandonment seeps into my thinking immediately when considering writing there, so the subliminal is working. It often shows me the pain and fruit of what I'm doing, and simultaneously brings in some relief, meaning something clicks in me since pain is NOT my desire.
And believe it or not, that is when I've grieved when on UD. I'll have held to something for years subconsciously, and UD is taking it away. I cried almost every ACA meeting I went to. No kidding.
......as I sit here, I'm realizing my tendency to keep people away. Was my full-time mode before UD. My day in, day out, keep me stuck in my muck kind of norm. Yeah, UD is working on me.
I just spilled that out so I'd see and think on it. I'm about to find myself without old fallbacks, old emotional fortresses I'd held, and tears will come. Tears will come at night, but joy in the morning.
This is me saying I'm scared, basically. Thanks D*****"
Woke up a few times last night running the US version, feeling really good. I'd call it a knowing that future dreams and desires will be ok.
I also thought I wanted to write about one thing, but went another way entirely.
When I was growing up, something good might come around, like an inspiring movie (Rocky, for example). It felt good, but........I had this belief "we weren't allowed". Feeling good must be ok with "everyone", or really, just Mom. If she didn't like something, it was "wrong". Guilt was felt, in me anyway.
Well, in my late teens, I got into church. I liked it. But Mom wasn't included, and a level of guilt has always been felt. For years, I'd go mixing guilt and rebellion towards her, so I carried more anger than I admitted to myself. I always felt obligated to make her happy, yet unable (and unwilling) to do so. This grew creative, unhealthy beliefs about feeling good. I felt she had power over me. I felt like I should serve her at all times.
Sidenote: this ties in directly to my non-dating habits. I've associated this feeling of servitude with a relationship. However, the feeling is of serving someone who doesn't listen, respond, or give back. Anger results. So, I'll see a woman, fantasize quickly about her sexually, then feel anger since my "standard" is serving women who just take and frustrate. Grrrrr. My eye contact, most days, reveals mixed feelings of guilt, anger, and desire I feel, which doesn't foster more connection. I look away since my thinking goes "F*** you! No! I won't!" I feel like I'm losing my soul again. I even dodged eye contact yesterday. I thought "no, I don't want to go there"
I've spent an enormous amount of energy trying to make myself not feel this.
F***. I keep seeing DMSI in this writing. I didn't "feel" good a lot on it.....but it focuses on this stuff. Not imagining jumping either. But I'm not closing the door on it. Not at all. I'd just like to feel good when around sexy women.
That's my truth, for now.
I went over to my old sponsor's house and played our money game, our norm. I had some time with him alone before the other guy showed up, and I opened up to him about what I'd been experiencing in regards to going to ACA or other 12 step meetings.
For one, me and my driver stopped at a WaWa's for lunch yesterday, and a guy I'd known from AA meetings was near his car waiting for his wife to get out. We caught eyes, and I looked away, doubting it was the same guy. Seconds later, he called me by name. Ugghhh.... I just morphed into my social self, sharing I'd not been going to meetings. He encouraged me 3x to get to a meeting. I'd considered going last night, but I was still vulnerable and fearful.
I've not been to any meetings in 3 months or so. Before that, it was over 6 months. When I did my first UD run, I was doing regular meetings, 2-3x per week, plus a step study. During that run, I pulled out of all my meetings since I realized the web of lies I'd been practicing and living in.
So tonight, I talked with my old sponsor since I've been desiring some connection again. His first suggestion was..... to just go to a meeting. I asked if I could share some fears I'd been listening to, and he agreed. I've feared me settling into old lies and habits of playing a part for other's sake. He kept listening. And I spit something out which was honest.
I shared I always was trying to appear strong, even when I felt weak. I realize (now) I carried the belief of being responsible for my own mother into my meetings. Just realized that. I thought it my part to encourage others, when I was supposed to be going for me. "Supposed to" are key words.
I'd played a known role for so long, and what I was afraid of was being vulnerable. Very few opportunities appear outside of meetings in my life presently, and I shared I was just scared of it. He said a meeting is often the best place to drop one's guard. He writes and wishes to publish one day, and he saw a video recently where successful authors often bring some actual feelings and experiences into their writing. It makes the connection easier for the reader.
And from my actual experiences in meetings, when I've shared honest tears or fears, I've seen others relax themselves and try to share honestly too. I strongly dislike hearing loads of program verbiage without emotional connections. Feelings are what ACA is all about (at first), and emotionless talking/bragging annoys me.
Regarding that last sentence, my old sponsor shared he'd been listening to some old program veterans on CD's lately, and when he's been in his meetings, he's seeing dishonesty everywhere. It shocked him seeing it so easily.
He didn't push me, but he did. He even left for a local AA meeting when I was leaving.
Tomorrow I'm considering going. One ACA meeting is at 2, and I shared I saw my resistance in action while driving to his place. One man in Sunday's meeting is a long-timer, having spent many years in ACA. But I imagined him being crotchety and critical towards me. His MS makes him moody often, and I avoid him. My resistance is speaking up.
But, I'd like to go. And resistance rises too (as I write). In fact, I usually feel obliged to visit my mom when I go to that meeting.......and she texted me while I was writing this telling me tomorrow wouldn't be good for her. Hmmmmm....
I sit here realizing I'm so used to listening to fears. It seems I'm looking for them too.
That's tomorrow. One day at a time. Been listening to UD while I was writing.
Being responsible...for myself? Yeah. I felt it today and followed through.
I went to the ACA meeting place at 2pm. Noone was there. And I'd purposely not checked beforehand since I know it's fear acting out--part of me, the scared part, did not want to go. I went to know I could. I texted 2 members I know asking if it'd closed or moved. Both responded, which encouraged me. This meeting had closed.
And I went and bought oil to change the oil in my scooter. If I'm hired by the other branch I applied at, I'll be doing 80 miles a day round trip. Currently I only do 12. Again, fear sought to ignore and dismiss this, and I followed through. Did my laundry this morning, which I'd often stalled and waited until the last minute, frustrated by lack of choice and time in the end, and judging myself excessively.
I'll share this. I'm feeling the old fear rising as I go forward. I read in Zane's thread where Matt422 said fear often masquerades under many, many pretenses, and I'm knowing that is true. Anything to keep me from changing is fear's job. I'm grateful I have some experience to identify truth from lies, as years back, not knowing the difference, attempting change felt like gambling. My mind made up beliefs that even good things would turn out bad for me, so I withdrew from a lot of "dangerous" endeavors. Fear lies everytime.
I'm feeling good and unafraid. Thank you Shannon for making this one.
This is what I shared with my old sponsor yesterday: vulnerability. He shared he'd send me a TEDTalk video he'd seen recently, and I'm watching it now. Speaking about vulnerability, much less feeling it, is uncomfortable as a man. Seriously, talking about experiences and feeling vulnerable among men rarely happens. Like being vulnerable is feminine. Well, those have been my imagined fears about it.
But in this video she shared one beautiful truth: vulnerability is uncomfortable and shameful when vocalized, but holding it in just increases shame.
I see fear blowing up imagined results before I share, and this is how fear works. But after getting it out, fear has lost its job. Again, fear and shame jab at me before I share something, and.......maybe that's why I'll cry when I do let it out: I've relied on fear most of my life. I held to it to keep me safe, and without it I often don't know if or how I should respond. For fear was all about control. I've just spent most of my life agreeing with it.
Maybe I was wrong.
It happens.
I went to an ACA meeting last night. I was anxious when considering certain bad experiences I'd had, but a new mindset is looking beyond the past and looking into possibilities I'd not seen. I shared 2ce and saw numerous emotional connections I'd not seen before. Will go back.
I'm slightly grieving as I write. Why? I've been trying to hang on to familiar things (and feelings), and fear is something I've held to, to protect me. It's what I've ran by for many, many years. UD seems to unhook me from old escape/hideout patterns, and I felt this while writing.
Life has gotten small listening to fear. I'll stop analyzing this, as I'm kicking an old unvaluable can around which, strangely enough, has both helped me and also hurt me. I'm running UD now. What I'm realizing is that me analyzing is me attempting to derail change.
Going forward. Grieving too. It means change is happening.
UD is really working on me. In the last week, I've began writing here twice, and I scrapped both. The first was an all-out whine, me expecting someone to take it away. I was in touch with myself where something in me said "STOP", and I did, not posting it.
The second post was milder. However, it was fueled by fear, a fear of being alone. UD is working on my relation to myself, and that post was a mild "I don't feel loveable so I'm writing hoping for help, company, whatever". I actually was interrupted by a commitment I'd made, but I had no desire to go back to writing when I was through. It was an old mentality I've used myself and seen others use, and it's sick. It's codependency, which is a dishonest way to feel loveable. It's me lying to me.
What I am experiencing a lot though are awarenesses of major feelings and thoughts running me. I was in an ACA meeting Monday, and while speaking, I realized I sensed some guilt in me, and I spoke about it. Guilt is something I thought everyone had like I do. I just didn't think it was so active in MY life (seriously). Airing it disempowered it some :-)
What I really like about UD is that if I'm aware of something, I think UD must be working on it, so I don't have to do some ineffective control tactic on it (used to ALWAYS do this), and it's why I really am grateful for it. Change is SO much easier that way. For example, I've been seeing some active resistance. But me attempting control on it doesn't help at all. Just accepting it as active and leaving it alone allows UD to run around it, overpower it, or whatever is necessary. I truly, truly like that. UD helps me in so many ways.
Life isn't so difficult running UD. I'll keep my eyes on one day at a time, and I look forward to this. I'm going into work now. I find myself looking forward to handling old problems effectively, and I'm looking for good experiences continually. Life is good.
I've not run a business for myself out of thinking I'd be dependent on other males to assist me. I'm scared of that.
I am pushing myself to initiate my business I've paid for, using tools I've paid for, and I'm not wanting to. It's easy. Inexpensive. And profitable. Why? What is my roadblock?
I think of my brother, the closest one to me (during childhood), and I think "it'll happen again!"
That's why I'm not doing anything. It's not even procrastination, seeing I've set up my Adwords ad campaign almost entirely (not a simple task). Made my YT ad video months back while on DMSI. And I have money to begin my ad.
It's fear. Fear is what I've used to protect me. I've been here in this fear a long, long time.
And now I'm on Universal Detox, purposely. I'd run Develop a Zen Attitude the night before since it's 4G (resistance? yeah), and I desired change last night, so I ran 6 loops of UD. I'd been running 8 loops mostly this whole run so far, but not seeing change, I wondered if my mind was able to process it. Going back to 6 loops works, as I'm writing.
UD is actively working on my brother issue. This is major stuff.
Update:
I was home today, and I didn't go out. I'm feeling guilty having run a bit of OGSF 5G since I've been thinking "something may make me feel better". I felt like s*** having felt and remembered old ties to my brother this morning. Even while writing that last sentence I was aware I've habitually and repeatedly buried any feelings or memories associated with him. For I loved him. He (used to be) my protector. And I valued that greatly. I depended on him. When he suddenly left in my early teens, I was and still am left not knowing how to feel and process these feelings. Hell, I even came here thinking I'd share the good of OGSF, to avoid dealing with this. That event runs my life. Either I hide to stay safe here at home, or I try/want to "hide" with other coworkers at work, me making some brother figures for myself. I've written of some before in other journals.
But that norm runs my life. Yesterday I felt used by a selfish coworker, and while running OGSF earlier, I got a bit mad. I just felt used. So, not knowing how to actually handle it yesterday, I kept quiet, even staying home today to distance myself from that emotion. Feeling used sucks bad. The guy's a total negative nanny guy, he lives like life mistreats him, so he mistreats others like he treats himself.
But.....I didn't say anything. My cycle is:
Hurt.
Hide.
Hurt.
Hide.
I turned UD on 10 minutes ago, with mixed reasons. Fear of being corrected here. Fear I'd miss what UD opened up. Yeah........I don't wish to walk into pain (stuck pain, actually), but my only comparison happened 20 minutes ago. While running OGSF on trickling stream, I began crying. I even tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. So, I let it out. Only a minute or two, but something needed to come out. I've been on UD a few weeks so far, and no tears have come. I've felt sad, but it scared me thinking I'd cry endlessly and I didn't express it. So, I've been blaming myself for this. Maybe me staying home was also tied to me hurting (blaming) me. For staying in hurt drains me.
I'm a little angry at myself. I would write more, but me hurting me........hurts worse. I don't have a definite plan. I'm thinking I should. But sub jumping, when I see others do it, frustrates me. It says they're unpredictable or not sure of themselves. I've not wanted to wear that shame. But this is where I'm at.
I came onto UD to FEEL. Still waiting :@
No major differences this morning. But not all bad either. I got up and read a page of Rule 4 stuff, telling me I have a part in my own life. Me trusting something else takes pressure off me since I'm not omniscient. In no way.
Been listening to a Piano Guys playlist on YT. Saw and felt myself playing instruments in front of others with REAL emotion. I've seen enough America's Got Talent replays to know people being real is highly remembered and absorbed. A new song just came on, and I shed a few tears. Music, when my heart's heavy, opens me right up.
So, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. Texted a brother figure I work with this morning, apologizing for ignoring his text yesterday. He replied that my mind was elsewhere since I'd got no "dark chocolate". He's black, and even in his 50's, he says he'd be a ho were he single. I said "Yeah. It was just me and Rosie".
Life can be good or bad each day. My choices affect that. Lastly.......
I'm dropping a Piano Guy's rendition of the Jurassic Park theme. I used to own the soundtrack on cassette tape. I listened since it has big French horn parts, my instrument I played daily 20 years back. I'd listen to the tape, watch the movie, then listen again. Each time I listened I "saw" the movie again.
Nah, I'm pulling the original. The PG rendition doesn't have enough "drama" in it.