Day 45
Overall I feel more cheerful. I am more comfortable talking to people in social situations. Friendlier than before. Motivation is still way down. I started an online business few months back and do not feel working on it anymore. Some fear is stopping me from success. I thought the sub would help me overcome the fear of succeeding, the fear of having money, being successful. I think it will take some more time for me to get rid of the things that are stopping me.
I felt very depressed and sad in the last few days. Too many negative thoughts. Feel somewhat better now.
I listen to the sub during with day with the mobile phone in my pocket. During the past few days, it happened that either the volume button got pressed in my pocket and volume became zero or the the sub stopped playing. Since I am using the ultrasonic version, I keep checking the phone several times a day. When I noticed the sub is stopped or at zero volume I corrected it. But a gap arises during the day. eg. if I started the sub at 9 am and it accidentally stopped at 2 pm, that comes to 5 hours of listening. The minimum time is 8 hours in a day. I start the sub again and start counting the time I started the sub again, which comes to around 10 pm to fulfill the minimum 8 hours a day.
I have noticed that whenever the sub stopped during the day, my mood suddenly shifts. I feel angry depressed and lots of feelings of helplessness. In all the cases when I checked the phone the sub was stopped or volume was at zero. I start feeling better when I play it again. That means the sub is addressing some issues.
Day 46
I feel very depressed. I feel bad thinking about my life, about the things I am unable to achieve in my life. I think of my self as someone stuck between failure and success.
I do not feel like doing anything. Feel like running away from everything. I have this unknown fear of everything. Just want too bury my head in a pillow and sleep.
Hiding leads to more of what you have.
Day 52
I am getting more vocal. The depression and negative feeling is somewhat better. Got busy with a ton load of work at office. Maybe that helped in diversion or sub healing something, don't know.
I have notice that I am getting more confrontational and direct with people. I feel that some fear when talking to someone about any issue or discussing is gone. I feel in my office when I am talking to someone I just talk very straight, somewhat less diplomatic. The fear that is gone is making me talk more straight and what i want and less diplomatic and less beating around the bush.
I can also approach completer strangers and people much more confidently.
I had an issue with government agency. It was not my mistake. They sent me a notice wrongly. I went to the office and talked to them and they understood the situation. They took back the notice. This is huge difference for me. If it had happened a year ago, I might have tried to just ignore it and pray for it to go away.
I have always been very uncomfortable with uniformed people / people with authority including traffic police. I never committed any crime apart from 3 or 4 parking tickets in my life. My fear has always been like I am guilty and will be penalized and could never be comfortable talking to them. Low confidence was also part of the problem.I could say my confidence / self esteem is better and I can breathe much better in presence of uniformed people. I am more relaxed and myself.
I have always felt an empty feeling inside me in such situations when questioned / asked / had to talk or explain myself. This is now gone to a large extent. I feel less stressful.
Day 56
I decide to face my fears. How do i do that? No idea at first.
Then I started of thinking about it. The moment I hesitated doing something or any hesitation came into my mind, I started thinking why am I fearful, why am I hesitating about it. What is holding me back? I found that I was able to do what I thought / decided not to do.
I have also started thinking about success / wealth / income. What is holding me back? I am thinking in terms of particular item eg. what is holding me back from getting promotion in my job? I am thinking in terms of my feeling at that time.
I have dreamt in the past 2 days. Overall positive. One night I saw an apple tree in blossom with one sole apple on it. Last night, I dreamt I was in a camp or a group. I did not feel comfortable and moved my sleeping place to a solitary place instead of sleeping with a group. Then I dreamt that I was in a building very basic structure / sort of like an old prison. I was eating food and a lion was sitting at the centre and everyone was treating him like a leader / king. I got some food in my plate some curry on top of a bread and suddenly got scared of the lion and dropped it on the floor. Then I picked up some more bread (no curry) in my hand.
Day 69
I use a spare phone to listen to sub during the day. Toay I forgot the phone some place and could not listen. I feel very light and relaxed. Today I was able to do so many things in my office in one day.
Actually when the sub is working, I feel tired mentally and do not want to do anything. I feel like resting / sleeping. From today I plan to change the sub usage to night time. Since I have children in the same room, I have to use earphones. I just got the sleep phones; not the original a chinese copy. It is basically earphone inside a hair band similar to hair band you use in sports.
I had few odd dreams but nothing significant. I feel they were more related to me thinking about things happening during the day.
Day 73
Before I start with the dream I saw, let me first tell some previous dreams on the same theme:
I have seen a dream in which I want to pee badly and everywhere I go the toilets are open. Everywhere when I find a toilet, I find that it is open from all sides. If I use it it will be in open view. I am frantically running and searching in every place but I do not find any privacy in any place. From a distance the toilets seem close / surrounded by sides by walls, but when I enter the toilet i can see it is open from all sides. I have seen this dream many times with same problem. In every dream I seem to be in a different place. In all my dreams I was alone; meaning everyone else was a stranger and I did not know anybody in the environment.
Last night I had a dream. I am with my family in a foreign place in an unknown environment. I am going around trying to find some place to pee. I climb stairs in a building and find a basic muddy dusty (brown) kind of room and a toilet but it is open from sides. It more like few bricks in a place to make a toilet in the ground. I just stand and stand urinating. The urine was crystal clear and kept flowing for a long time as if someone had opened a tap and the flow was so big like water coming from a tap and not a human being. There is a guy standing behind me looking at me. There are some people far away looking and some start making video from their mobile phone. Somebody exclaimed look how much urine is coming. I did not understand if I have climbed up and cannot see my family which I think were sitting at a table, how these people can see me. In the meanwhile I realized I have some feces stuck / present on my back. I sit down and clean myself with water and then again stood up. All the time this water stream is coming out of me and i do not know where it is going.
I have tried to understand the meaning of the above dreams. One meaning could be that I am releasing my feelings / stuck up emotions in front of people. Another meaning could be I am about to embarrass myself in front of people.
One change I brought in my listening pattern is that I have now started listening to the sub during night time when I go to sleep. I was thinking that during day time there are noises and distractions and I could be disrupting my sub time.
In a nutshell, I believe that dream signifies you are making progress in your healing and releasing all the things that were necessary to release, but which you would/could not release before, regardless of "who sees you". It is a sign of healing, cleansing yourself and growth.
Day 78
A similar dream. I am in a hotel and trying to go to my room. I am naked and still have some feces at my bottom. Like I was in a toilet and did not clean myself and just came out. I get in the lift and it stops at the wrong floor. I come out and there is a function / banquet going on. Everyone is dressed in suits and dresses. Meanwhile the lift leaves and comes back with more people. They also complain that the lift is stopping at wrong floor and is not going to the floor they intend to go. In this dream, I am not bothered much by people looking at me and I feel that people seem to be ok with my nakedness and I am not creating a scene.
Day 79
A different dream. I am going somewhere with my father and we go in a car. I park the car in a narrow street. I am dressed in a long type of dress. There's another car parked there. A brick wall, few houses, thats all I remember.
Day 84
I feel I am up against a wall and seem to have some pressure. I feel that I maybe my limitations. Overall all I feel good relaxed but in a static state and not in a mood to move forward.
Today I had arranged a meeting in my office which I was running. I felt shaky. My voice was shaky. I think I was more focusing / thinking on what to say, what word to use. Its like something coming out like a lots of words coming out and I am having trouble deciding how to talk and what to say.
I have increased the use of sub. I am getting impatient. I listen to ultrasonic for at least 8-9 hours during hte day. At night I am listening to the sub for at least 8 hours. My initial plan was to use for 6 months and then see where I stand. I am sticking to that plan as for now.
Day 85
I feel that my tipping level has come down. I can now tolerate mistakes by others or bad behavior by others more. In the past, if my wife irritated me it would take little time for me to blow off. Now I have not gotten angry with her even once in the past few days. Her behavior is the same.
Another improvement I noticed is that the wall I was facing seems to be crumbling. I feel that it is not strong as before. I am more aware of my limitations, fears and what ifs going in my mind. I am trying to think why I am afraid, why not move forward etc.
Lack of motivation is still there. On the positive side, I feel that whatever I am doing I am doing with more attention.
Day 90
I have now reached the 3 months mark. In the past few days I have got irritated on several issues in my home. This time I have been more vocal and expressed myself more clearly. I have noticed I am less shy in social situations and can say and talk more comfortably. I feel that I have matured a lot since I started listening to the sub.
Another thing which I believe has improved is my fetishes / craziness for things. I find myself to be more practical rather than impulse shopping / buying. I am able to question and handle myself better if I really need to spend the money on stuff.
Emotionally I find myself frustrated on various times, mainly related to my success and wealth. After running E2 for 6 months I think I will use US / LM.
Day 92
I am becoming more and more aware of my fear of success and fear of becoming rich. I know I had this fear from a long time but now its coming to the forefront. All my life, in every activity I undertake in the start I am overachieving my goals and then suddenly everything stops. My inner self refuse to move forward. its like you are standing at the edge and refuse to take the leap. How much I talk to myself, how much I reason with myself, my inner self is rock solid and refuse to budge. I think after running E2 I will go and run US / LM and see if it makes any difference.
I change / move things in such a way that I am not facing the edge in my normal life. Now after running the sub I feel i am again at the edge and i have to face it. But it seems I am tied to the ground / back. I do not have the courage to jump. I am just sitting watching life go by. For example, I started this online business had good success in the start and then just abandoned it for no apparent reason than self sabotage. A few days back i made a plan a rock solid plan which I am confident will make my business successful but everyday I open things / website / excel sheet and look at it and then think ok I will do start work again some other day. its like i am tied from the back and my mind accepts this limitation and acts accordingly.
This started in my childhood. At that time i was at the top of my class had a close female friend. When the abuse started I started linking it to my success in school and my friendship with a girl. The boys who were abusing me were at the lower side of studies and had no girl in their friend circle. Somehow I linked my abuse to the above reasons which now in my adult life I find stupid but cannot change the association so far. I immediately stopped talking to my friend out of fear and shame. My self esteem went down. My studies continued downward spiral to a level where i was advancing in my classes but not performing well. This continued my whole life. I continued to make effort necessary to keep alive or just at an average level but not excel. I still put half effort in my job just surviving.