Subliminal Talk

Thanks Ben

Allright, I'll be keeping this thread for my future SE rants.

Today is day two of my second run in with SE. I feel calm and in control. Not that I didn't feel that before, but while running PTPA it was more of the light and smiling in a good mood whistling enjoyment. If PTPA is feeling free as a bird, then SE is feeling like a tree at dawn absorbing the first sun rays ... if that makes any sense.

Feeling good so far. Not overly all-smiling happy. Simply good.

Listening to the masked track washes away everything that happened in the day. At times I feel like I deserve more than I do right now. I talk to friends and it seems they are walking along in their daily routines and have forgotten to dream about a brighter future. As if they lost that sparkle somewhere along the way. Sometimes it seems to me that I am childishly immature to daydream about adventures and a fullfilled life while they are grounded (or stuck?) in reality and society. And sometimes I think it is immensely important to have that longing to rise and soar. To me it seems that I have a "haven't even explored a fraction of life" mindset while they run on "want to have stability and stay put" tracks.

Odd to see that clearly.

Like on my first run of SE I am having tons of weird dreams.

Last night in a dream my penis fell off. It's not as funny as it sounds. Well, maybe it is. A string of dreams was rewriting some parts of my personal history. Took me some minutes after waking up to discern what was real and what not.

Self-discipline to do little daily chores one could avoid for a long long time is somewhat improved. I am still too passive about grabbing the carrot of life fulfilled that is dangling in front of me.

Oh crap, here we go again.

Viva la resistance!

Especially weird dreams continue. Although my recall is almost zero this morning I have this lingering feeling that I am dreaming outside of my own bubble. As if I see/experience dreams of other people. And thus, I feel alienated.

Hi Raz doesnt dmsi also deal with self esteem ? Not clear why you dont use dmsi for healing ?

(05-25-2018, 10:16 PM)thor2014 Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Raz doesnt dmsi also deal with self esteem ? Not clear why you dont use dmsi for healing ?

This may come as a surprise, but not everybody wants to run DMSI.

Ah yes your right

Not much noticeable stuff going on at the moment.

My dreams are quite interesting though. It is either time-travel back to my past with my current knowledge intact and alternative time lines or I semi-painfully lose some body parts.

Dreams are becoming a bit distressing, since they are plunging me into scenarios that show me that I am intellectually incapable. I think that this is one of my worst fears ... being dumb. IRL I went through a lot to prove I am intellectually capable. I think this is also one of the reasons I started my PhD. And while I am scared to finish it, I am even more scared to NOT finish it, since in my mind this equals being dumb. I hope I'll be able to kick this fear in the balls eventually since through it I prevent myself from living a fullfilled life.

ION I am more withdrawn than usually. And more on the I-distract-myself side of things, although the distractions in themselves are becoming very dull and boring.

I am flying off the handle with my anger more easily. I have been observing this change in myself over the past two or three months.

In the past I developed a pattern of holding my anger in and turning passive-aggressive or sometimes exploding with hours of brooding afterwards (and of course guilt/shame mixed into the melange). Then, mostly due to subs I think, I got rid of the passive-aggressive traits. Positivity and calmness followed. Now I am almost always calm, but sometimes turn into a summer thunderstorm for some seconds, mostly when somebody treats me wrongly or does stupid sh!t that exposes me to dangers for my health. But this goes away fast and I can talk calmly about what bothered me and I saw as wrong-doing.

I am no saint and sometimes I overdo it when there is no reason to. But all in all I am much healthier with this. Although I am still not really comfortable to express my anger this way.

I am getting this feeling of change again. I cannot pinpoint it. But there is a certain flow to things that oozes with newness.

Last night I also got flickers of what I call of stage 2 resistance. If stage 1 resistance is a feeling of doom, hopelessness and all that blues combined with the urge to change subs, then stage 2 resistance is a sudden certainty that the sub causes some form of physical harm to you. There is a thought-flash about some perceived ailment that is somehow connected with the subliminal you are running. It is all nonsense of course, but for a moment it seems very real. Or maybe I am just being weird.

Anyway, there are changes underway. Even if I don't know what exactly is changing. This feeling of flow is unique. And I only get it with 5.5Gs.

Totally know what you are talking about regarding the "stage 2 resistance".