Day 19
Currently listening to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxrujyeYDmc
I'm starting to understand MLS more, and in the process, I'm also starting to understand myself more. This has been an interesting experience, because I've come to realize several things that I knew about myself previously at a cursory level only. In the process of learning more about myself, I am learning about how I learn in general.
I had a great private exchange a few weeks back with RT, where he asked me about the duality of my actions - the ones where I talk about how fortunate he is to have a family, and in the same breath stating that I could never have that myself.
RT rightfully stated that, ultimately, that was a limitation I had put on myself. I now understand my motivations for placing that limitation. That in turn, helped me to understand several other things.
I've often spoken about that need for freedom, especially in my DMSI journal. I didn't quite know what it was that drove it. I now realize that the reason why I never settled down with a woman isn't because I'm afraid of having a relationship. I've had a few amazing ones. It's because I myself, don't really believe in the concept of having a home.
This last point really got driven in over a conversation I had with an old friend of mine that I have known for 20 years. Back then we used to call ourselves Digital Mercenaries. We traveled around the world, landing in different organizations, do the project that needed to be done, and we'd hop on a flight to the next destination.
At one time it was so crazy for me, that I would literally land in Korea once a month for a stretch of four days, before boarding a first class flight to some other locale. I used to joke with my friends that it was time for my haircut, because, I would always get my haircut while I was in Korea due to the frequency of my visits there.
At 41, I still haven't completely scratched that itch. I don't know if there really is anything deeper from my childhood that scarred me into living this way. I think it was quite the opposite. When I was 9 years old, I remember a relative telling me about his extended stay in Japan and showing me all these photographs. That sort of sealed the deal for me. I knew I wanted to travel.
Traveling with a companion can also be fun, until it isn't. Eventually the other person will get tired. Eventually they will want to stop. Traveling like that with a family would be miserable for a kid. He wouldn't be able to make roots anywhere long enough to forge friendships.
And that really sums it up for me, in why I haven't been in a relationship again. Because both my wants and my desires require some form of sacrifice. And I would never want to put someone else through something, and have them sacrifice their happiness in an effort to appease mine.
I have also noticed the longer I spend on MLS, the more I notice my INTJ traits shine through. This is interesting because I feel like this is a side of me that I have been suppressing a lot, especially throughout my 30's.
I bring this up because I had to take a whole sensitivity course several years ago for work because I couldn't empathize with my project team members. So, I had tried to remediate that issue by being more empathetic.
With MLS, I'm finding I can't do that anymore. This part may balance out as I get further into the sub and I calibrate better. I'm still in the detoxing, healing, and learning phase of the sub for now. But it's interesting. I am clinical in the way that I think about things.
That's a big change in the past 5 days since my last post where I was just gushing. But that's what MLS does. It makes drastic changes, drastically.
Speaking of learning, I'm currently circling through 5 different books simultaneously.
Many of the members here mentioned Black Dragon, including Eternity, Chaos, and Sarge. So I looked him up and found the book Sampson and the Wizard. I also read a few of his blog posts about the 5 Flags and I agreed with him on a lot of that, being as I myself have dual citizenship. Having a passport that you can swap out is an essential. Being able to speak a few different languages also helps.
At some point in the near future I'm going to check out the Unchained Man.
I'm also reading the Confidence Gap - pretty good book - Think and Grow Rich for the 11th time, because that book is such a great read - The Prince By Machiavelli - and Night School, a Jack Reacher Novel - guilty pleasure.
With work I am generally really focused. Except for today; today the exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been dragging my feet all day physically.
The music I've been listening to lately has also changed. I did throw on some Pet Shop Boys earlier today - the album Actually - and wow, that was depressing. Every song is about how the guy felt betrayed after he spent a shit ton of money on a woman. I never paid attention as much to the lyrics before, but, yeah. Songs with words are proving to be a serious downer these days.
So, I've defaulted to Progressive House mixes, mostly anything Digweed spins. That's a throwback to my youth, when there was a club in NYC called Twilo that Sasha and Digweed had residency in. They'd play the first Friday of every month. I'd seen them spin for about three years, amongst other great DJ's.
These days, when I do want to listen to something with words, it usually rotates between Metallica and Iron Maiden - from Kill'em All to And Justice For All for the former, and Killers up to Seventh Son of a Seventh Son for the latter.
As far as women are concerned, the attraction from women is skyrocketing. I even had a younger girl follow me a few days back, trying to work up the nerve to say something to me. I thought it was cute. But I didn't pursue.
On the one hand, I have my moments where I am bursting with Sexual Energy and want to deposit my sperm deep into a woman's ovaries, and on the other hand I have a thousand other things running in my head that I need to address.
The only thing I really know is, I want to be in-flight again, on a constant basis. Right now, that's become my ultimate priority. Once I'm in-flight, I'll probably mix it up with different women in different places. There are 7 billion people in the world, half of them women, I'd say at least a few hundred million of them attractive enough to warrant my attention. Based on the law of averages, getting laid won't be an issue.
That's about everything I think I wanted to get out of my head and down on paper. I stand by what I said in my previous entry - MLS + DMSI are an unstoppable combination. If you aren't seeing results on either, you need to let go. The harder you try to force it to happen for you, the further from the goal post you get.
I'll close this post out with one of my favorite quotes -
It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. - Joseph Campbell
