07-08-2017, 03:02 PM
Alright, time for a journal since I'm always butting into other people's threads with my random thoughts. Had to quit WM2 because it wasn't for me and I couldn't value it enough to dedicate myself to 4 more stages of slow-going woman-pleasing. Been on DMSI 3.1A since the first of the month, 2-4 loops.
The first week was mostly lots of frustration, stress, anger outbursts, seething anger, trouble sleeping, feelings of being disrespected and loss of honor. This was due to what I felt and know as people being incompetent while working on my countryside home, which is a very personal and stressful project to begin with. I wrote in another thread that I started carrying a concealed pistol again because I can and it's comforting.
Communication alleviates the feelings of anger, but the people I'm working with aren't exactly 2-way communicators, especially on an emotional level. There is a quote I am trying to remember that says something like "separation between people breeds contempt" and although usually inadvertent and easily remedied it is from a lack of understanding.
Today was the first time I really felt a vortex of energy at my base chakra (besides V1, months ago), which I noticed while driving. So, good, my sexual energy is being amplified. I'm also excited on how DMSI can potentially strengthen all the energetic channels and aura, much like a lazy man's qi-gong practice. The night prior, I was feeling my sexual energy and I had this vivid image flash across my mind's eye. It was a tiger with blazing purple eyes. How cool is that. Yeah, I now feel the tiger is my spirit animal. The descriptions match up with me pretty well, although each website is slightly different.
"Passion, Power, Devotion, Independence, Strength, Focus, Perseverance, Courage, Willpower, Sensuality, Ferocity, Confidence, Camouflage, Silence, Solitude, Determination, Energy"
http://alltotems.com/tiger-spirit-animal...and-totem/
I desire for my sexual energy and sperm count to build up, but I'm being driven to masturbate even though I know that I'm wasting energy through these unhealthy channels. I had the urge to buy a full size sex doll the other day, like wtf. This would be like a band-aid that would not fulfill me, but the urge was there regardless. I see masturbation as a form of self-abuse. I'll have to uptake my nutrition and rest to get my vitality back if I masturbate too much. Intense sexual dreams, too, but not complaining.
Today I was in town running an errand and had the urge to call up some escorts. I texted one pretty aggressively which she did not appreciate. She was the self-declared "best" and her body looked it so I wanted to spend some time with her to see what could happen. Hey, I have the disposable income and leisure. She was not liking my cocky behavior one bit and says she doesn't see clients who text her like that. We went back and forth with some amusing hostile banter until she 'blocked' me. I've noticed that I've got turned down by escorts often recently, as they are getting more demanding and must have lots of frustrated chumps that will pay big money to have them humiliate them through femdom or whatever the craze is these days. Not me! Very disconcerting that escorts can be afford to be picky, I think. Extreme hypergamy.
Also, these super seductive attention whore types (who I want to sexually dominate the most) are what I and others identify as Jezebel spirits as one label. I knew this going in with the one I just mentioned, but I must like the abuse. These people are extremely emotionally abusive and get their kicks by rejecting and invalidating others, all to boost their fragile ego, hence rejecting me for being too forward/teasing and coming at her as an equal(or superior). It's the same epidemic as Narcissism. It's really an insidious type of emotional abuse and is in many ways covert, also much more widespread than reported and a part of popular American culture which doesn't help. I've been studying and can pick out narcissists scarily easily now - and it is scary. I believe I was raised in a family of narcissists. My contractors are psychopath/narcissist. Real connections with people in my life are sparse, I feel isolated, and it has the potential to give me C-PTSD. That's where the emotional healing from DMSI comes in. I also counteract this with a deep spirituality.
Othewise, on the female front, I'm not seeing too much besides normal courteous behavior which I haven't acted on. Then again, I'm not really in hunting mode. Online dating is not pleasing in my eyes, but I could resort to it and have met girls from apps before pretty easily. Do I need to make some social circles and meet some good wholesome girls the normal way? Yeah, probably. That's not really on my agenda because I'm more an introvert and would rather learn esoteric secrets and connect with other spiritual/eccentric people which I do through youtube and the internet, so let's see what DMSI can manifest in my life the lazy way.
The first week was mostly lots of frustration, stress, anger outbursts, seething anger, trouble sleeping, feelings of being disrespected and loss of honor. This was due to what I felt and know as people being incompetent while working on my countryside home, which is a very personal and stressful project to begin with. I wrote in another thread that I started carrying a concealed pistol again because I can and it's comforting.
Communication alleviates the feelings of anger, but the people I'm working with aren't exactly 2-way communicators, especially on an emotional level. There is a quote I am trying to remember that says something like "separation between people breeds contempt" and although usually inadvertent and easily remedied it is from a lack of understanding.
Today was the first time I really felt a vortex of energy at my base chakra (besides V1, months ago), which I noticed while driving. So, good, my sexual energy is being amplified. I'm also excited on how DMSI can potentially strengthen all the energetic channels and aura, much like a lazy man's qi-gong practice. The night prior, I was feeling my sexual energy and I had this vivid image flash across my mind's eye. It was a tiger with blazing purple eyes. How cool is that. Yeah, I now feel the tiger is my spirit animal. The descriptions match up with me pretty well, although each website is slightly different.
"Passion, Power, Devotion, Independence, Strength, Focus, Perseverance, Courage, Willpower, Sensuality, Ferocity, Confidence, Camouflage, Silence, Solitude, Determination, Energy"
http://alltotems.com/tiger-spirit-animal...and-totem/
I desire for my sexual energy and sperm count to build up, but I'm being driven to masturbate even though I know that I'm wasting energy through these unhealthy channels. I had the urge to buy a full size sex doll the other day, like wtf. This would be like a band-aid that would not fulfill me, but the urge was there regardless. I see masturbation as a form of self-abuse. I'll have to uptake my nutrition and rest to get my vitality back if I masturbate too much. Intense sexual dreams, too, but not complaining.
Today I was in town running an errand and had the urge to call up some escorts. I texted one pretty aggressively which she did not appreciate. She was the self-declared "best" and her body looked it so I wanted to spend some time with her to see what could happen. Hey, I have the disposable income and leisure. She was not liking my cocky behavior one bit and says she doesn't see clients who text her like that. We went back and forth with some amusing hostile banter until she 'blocked' me. I've noticed that I've got turned down by escorts often recently, as they are getting more demanding and must have lots of frustrated chumps that will pay big money to have them humiliate them through femdom or whatever the craze is these days. Not me! Very disconcerting that escorts can be afford to be picky, I think. Extreme hypergamy.
Also, these super seductive attention whore types (who I want to sexually dominate the most) are what I and others identify as Jezebel spirits as one label. I knew this going in with the one I just mentioned, but I must like the abuse. These people are extremely emotionally abusive and get their kicks by rejecting and invalidating others, all to boost their fragile ego, hence rejecting me for being too forward/teasing and coming at her as an equal(or superior). It's the same epidemic as Narcissism. It's really an insidious type of emotional abuse and is in many ways covert, also much more widespread than reported and a part of popular American culture which doesn't help. I've been studying and can pick out narcissists scarily easily now - and it is scary. I believe I was raised in a family of narcissists. My contractors are psychopath/narcissist. Real connections with people in my life are sparse, I feel isolated, and it has the potential to give me C-PTSD. That's where the emotional healing from DMSI comes in. I also counteract this with a deep spirituality.
Othewise, on the female front, I'm not seeing too much besides normal courteous behavior which I haven't acted on. Then again, I'm not really in hunting mode. Online dating is not pleasing in my eyes, but I could resort to it and have met girls from apps before pretty easily. Do I need to make some social circles and meet some good wholesome girls the normal way? Yeah, probably. That's not really on my agenda because I'm more an introvert and would rather learn esoteric secrets and connect with other spiritual/eccentric people which I do through youtube and the internet, so let's see what DMSI can manifest in my life the lazy way.
