DMSI 3.1 A, Day 1
I feel so good I almost can't stand it anymore. Fucking dmsi.
Felt quite stressed in the morning after my first night on the program, but as I got to just sit in the train with a cup of coffee I seemed to untangle myself. Feels like a realized a lot about myself and life and what it means, and now I feel at peace. Gotta enjoy it while it lasts :)
(03-04-2017, 05:36 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]DMSI 3.1 A, Day 1
I feel so good I almost can't stand it anymore. ***** dmsi.
Felt quite stressed in the morning after my first night on the program, but as I got to just sit in the train with a cup of coffee I seemed to untangle myself. Feels like a realized a lot about myself and life and what it means, and now I feel at peace. Gotta enjoy it while it lasts 
Very interesting, i also have today a feeling like inner peace. Can´t describe it very well but it´s a gentle feeling and it´s just nice.
Day 2
Love how I'm feeling on this sub. Like I've got what it takes to take stuff on again. Wanting to be around people more, for sure. Maybe just to test this, though. Feeling very comfortable.
Also the gf broke down on her own and apologized deeply for being "so horrible" to me this last month. Lots of things changing and she was trying to control everything too much. I'm glad she did see it properly now, because tbh it wasn't that far from being too late.
I was also staring at this traffic sign out the window of a parked vehicle, and it seemed like it was coming closer to me all the time, even when I knew I wasn't moving. Bending my brain, lol. Traffic sign IOI.
Dude, that traffic sign was SO giving you CFM signals!
Lol, I slay me.
Day 3
I never did remember my dreams on 3.0, but they seem to stick. Had 2 dreams of where something was happening; some hotties were kinda gently coming onto me in both of them, like one just kinda moved to stand right in front of me and then we started moving. Very pleasant.
At girl from the office decided to answer with a gentle tease to something I asked. I didn't even get it at first, because I've come to expect only very logical answers from her.
I was picking my brain for reason to go out where there's people after work, and I've already asked some friends out for two separate little outings. That's pretty darn great, since I'm usually always feeling too tired or too something to consider going out. But now my expectations have been for a positive experience instead. Love it.
I've been sending out invites too. Definitely DMSI
Day 9 (again)
Not really sure what to report of the past days.. Not much. I wrote that I haven't been that hungry, but that has been turning around now. Not as revenous as on MHS, but still. I got my nice deep voice back during the first days.
I started using a perfume I haven't used 1-2 days BEFORE 3.1, and the gf commented on how good it was.. then 1-2 into dmsi she said it smells really good and *even better* than last time, and a third day she said "oh you have that on... you smell really good". So.. well, funny coincidence.
As to if girls initiate sex, the current gf usually initiates sex. I don't even like it women initiating sex, because I'll always feel a little pressured and start wondering what head space do I happen to be in and "how the hell am I supposed to rev myself up now all of a sudden" (internal dialogue). The image of of what feeling real turned on and powerful feels like, and the gap of not being there and not knowing what to do about it. Helps to focus on the physical sensations. Once I get turned on, the dialogue disappears.
In general, I've always hated being rushed or pressured to do anything. I just seek to be left alone, and only then will my internal voice kinda rise and I'll know what I want to do and then I'll go do that. Otherwise I'm more or less in drifter or survival mode until I get my break. Don't really know why I need that absence of attention and especially expectations directed towards me to stop before I can disconnect and reorient. After I have my direction I don't mind the attention anymore. I love attention, actually. One of the more annoying aspects of introversion, I guess.
Day 10
Major healing and processing going on these past 2 days. Sadness, rebellion, feeling better, sadness, despair, anger, lightness, feeling like giving up, avoidance, confusion, hope, inspiration, boredom, avoidance, partial acceptance, emptiness. Back at square 1, though slightly more zen.
Zenner and zenner.
Day 12
Euphoria, big time. I mean sitting on the floor, cheeks twitching to a crazy grin on their own, chuckling to myself and feeling this freshness pouring out of the right side of my chest. Its so tangible its crazy I can't actually have someone come over and show it to them or take a picture and send it or something. I think the euphoria needs to be turned down sometime later or we'll all just be laying on you backs in park benches and ditches all over, going on some crazy emotional highs. Not complaining yet, though
Met a neighbor in the elevator, and suddenly she asked me in to see the view from her apartment. She was about 60, but hey, weirder and progressier it goes.
Now back to grinning to myself, excuse me.
Day 15
Nothing special these last 2-3 days. Kinda tired. The gf was over. We're definitely feeling "lighter" now, as we've always been before that heavy just-about-to-argue feeling that's been looming over us lately. Its nice.
Work's been good. Productive.
I was just at the gym. Went in and felt odd, like people we're looking at me. Men, not women. I mean, when you usually go to a space, people will look at you for a while, then continue; but now it was like they kept looking for a couple minutes. Felt odd, a tad uncomfortable. But I was feeling like home in a bit.
Feeling euphoria when I came back home. Loving this sub in general. Really looking forward to this summer :)
I think I like this so much because my state is so good a lot of times. Usually I'm always feeling like I don't have it in me to socialize, and then I'll expect socializing would go badly (=not go like I'd want to it go). But now I'm often thinking about ways TO socialize because I just know that I'm in a great state and I'm kinda interested to see how it'd go.
The gf came over and realized that she caught a nasty stomach bug, so I put us both on MIR 5.5G some 20 hours ago. So it's been nearly two days since my last loops, and I'll get the next ones in tomorrow, it seems.
I'm burning up inside, emotionally. I hate that I make myself so weak, and that I feel like I have to. Expectations, responsibilities, paths and trajectories in life, seeming lack of vision and possibilities (mostly due to all that energy, focus, and time lost in dealing with all those former items).
There are some times when I express fully. Hitting the heavy bag or mitts, for one. It just feels so different. One close friend especially, if we happen to be in the same head space and we're going for something, then its really on. When I used to go clubbing or otherwise hit on women, and it hooked. Good sex when I don't feel like I have to hold back or be considerate or such. Really getting into and learning about something interesting. Planning such things. Some guitar stuff in the past. Music. Dancing sometimes. Elliot Hulse's weird tribal jump and make noise exercise. Actually even one or two times arguing when I've really let go trying to accommodate.
Common about the above:
+ not holding back
+ not alone (the best ones I'm always sharing with one or more persons)
+ joy
+ short, fleeting moments
+ feeling gratified afterwards
Its not a new thing for me to dwell on this by any means, but its quite strong now. Love it. I know life can't be fireworks all the time and that one should be freaking grateful for what one has, but still, I hate that I cut my own strength so willingly in everyday life. I want to own it, but I guess I still don't feel ready, and when the job and the gf and rent and all those things require the energy, its so easy to just play along. That's why I've always loved these buildups, in a way.
Did a stupid stunt on a half-second impulse yesterday that ended in me landing flat on a stone floor from about shoulders or head height. Didn't think it was too bad at the time, but then later noticed I have a clear dent just below the front of my right knee and there's some small piece moving just beside it, whereas that area is hard and flat on the other knee. The leg works fine though, just can't put pressure on that area (or do missionary - yeah, lol). One wrist ang big toe are sore also, but I guess they're fine. Not a happy camper.
I'm thinking it might be good to go MHS for a bit, since these things can take forever to heal, and possibly get problematic. I was *just* detouring on MIR and was looking forward to getting back on track with dmsi. Which is not going too well either since I've been feeling gloomy and unusually tired. Which is going to continue if I keep switching programs again. Fuck.
Needed to vent, don't think too much of it.
Edit: Ok, I'm trying to put a more positive spin on it. It could've been far worse and at least now I can quite freely walk around and do whatever, even though I gotta be careful with the wrist and knee for now. And I could be a normal person who does not have anything like MHS 5.5G readily on his phone to help focus in these types of cases. But I have hope it'll be quick and maybe it'll even direct me to heal something else that'll be useful too. And I got to learn a little something again, including appreciation. There.