Subliminal Talk

Ok, so a bit more than a month later...

I've been reading and thinking a lot. Read a couple book on Stoicism and now I'm on my 2nd book about CBT. But not reading in sense that I used to compulsively consume material, but now its more like I'll open the book and read a little, then use the tools and perspectives to just explore, reconsider and re-evaluate some experiences and perceptions I have and have had. Also the gf has been great in a way because we were clashing and fighting a lot, and that forced me/us to either break up or dig up and face all the different automatic faulty patterns and presumptions and assignments of meaning we both do. And its gotten a lot better again, especially since I started looking into CBT.

Anyway, two thoughts that have been forming in my head these last 2 days:

1. Apparently sometimes in OCD, there can be a tendency to assume (full) responsibility for the well-being of others. Definitely something I recognized. Digging deeper, I think for me its about labeling myself as "Selfish" unless I'm not self less. So e.g. maybe I'd like to go out with a couple guys when I think or assume the gf might be needing some attention that she isn't saying out loud. So its anxiety (future prediction, mind reading, catastrophizing) about the confrontation, and especially how I would see myself as a bad person for being selfish like that. So, what I can do is search for evidence for and against that claim. Also, I can think of any 5 people: are they Selfish or Selfless? Put each of them on a scale with those opposite ends, and you'll see that everyone lies somewhere in between. And if everyone is like, then I must also lie somewhere there in between: a little selfish with some things, but also selfless with many other things. And now that I think of the words self less, it actually means I have no self. Which means I have nothing I want for me, which means I have no opinions, no drive, no personality, nothing interesting. So a little selfishness is good. If I know what I want and express it, then I'm actually being me, and then the interaction is actually real with me in it - as opposed to being fully self less where I'm not bringing any personality to it at all. The way I see it now is that being selfish is the fuel that gets you to do stuff, to be creative, and to have that spark in you. But I don't do stuff with the intention to hurt anyone, its just that I that I might want something. So if a selfish thought gets me going, and it'd rather be useful and constructive to people than not, then the two actually support each other in maximizing my personal production of usefulness; and lacking either quality fully would also cut my production to zero. So that's interesting.

2. I'm pretty much used to always feeling this pressure of not being good enough in a lot of things, even though pretty much anything I really dig into comes out as a success. Maybe it wasn't like that when I was were young, though. Anyway, I've been trying to look for evidence as to how those certain people that I might see disapproving me are actually expressing that disapproval, i.e. whether its a fact or just a negative viewpoint that I have. When the gf was feeling low I kept re-evaluating that is it actually FACT that she's really pissed at me, or am I mind reading (=impossible); is it possible that there's some other explanation that's actually more likely? And then at work, when this person comes hovering around my desk just at the time I feel a little overwhelmed and unsure what the fuck is it that I'm supposed to be doing right now to reach the pretty much impossible and totally under-defined performance goal in my head, is it for a FACT that they're disapproving me for my bad performance and uselessness? My feedback is all positive, how can that be if what I perceive now is true? But now that I'm realizing e.g. that the gf mostly adores me, I'll still get this feeling of being disapproved, and after quickly checking that no, there are no facts supporting that its coming from her, and no, there's just a couple random people around in the bus that don't show any signs of hostility and that I have not interacted with, then I get this cognitive dissonance where I could almost point out with my finger to a person who's doing it, but he isn't actually there. Yeah, I know its me, but it also feels like he's not me, but this... person, who's basically just air somewhere a little behind me or just at some corner I can't quite see now. Maybe a voice that I can't actually hear right now. So what I'm thinking now is that normally I've just picked up on some signs where someone is in a bad mood or stressed or feeling threatened themselves, or ignoring me, or performing better than me, or not saying something directly but hinting at it or something than doesn't actually have to mean anything wrt. to me, and I'll conclude that this disapproving entity must be him/her, and then I'll feel low and treat him/her accordingly, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also wrt. to groups and being in public: I'll have this thing telling me I'm not good enough or I don't belong or deserve or what I'm offering is shit, and and then I somehow seem to know and expect that the group will eventually reject me because they will see the truth of what this voice hinting at, and with that they will confirm it as fact. One real example would be that I was thinking about this stuff and posting it here on the forum, and there's this presence saying that these thoughts or insights are not good enough or not clever or smart enough, and that in the end I'm just posting them to get attention and to feel important. So then I'll expect that others will also see right through me if I post this out, and therefore, even if they will never say anything, I can safely assume that they disapproved and rejected me (which confirms the negative belief that I'm not good enough). Whew. Anyway, it does feel somewhat freeing, realizing the person in the next room is usually not demanding anything of me, and that I'm actually quite free to do whatever I like.

Btw, the gf was on her period but horny yesterday, so I got a bj in bed when we were waking up that she interrupted because she said she wants to continue later, then a couple hours later she started again and made me cum in her mouth which seriously rocked my world hard because she's done that maybe once ever and I've really been just hoping she'd do that. (Usually she wants some also, so that's why.) Then, after we were out in the evening and then back home, she wanted to go again, but this time because she wanted to know how good it is if she got ice cubes in her mouth as she's doing it(!). I then proceeded to penetrate and slap the hell outta her. So yeah, going good again. See ya!

Did 3h/night for about a week, and 4h for two nights, then got a massive headache for the whole day yesterday. Was feeling real tense also. Then 3 hours last night and it seems to be gone now. So 3-4 then.

Been feeling all kinds of things, but usually I'll just try to amplify the sensations as much as they will, and that'll get rid of it pretty effectively. As in, try to have an anxiety attack right now, or whatever it is.

Sexual stuff also, but mostly I'm dreaming (stressing) about work-related stuff. Work is also going quite well; pushing it there. Often little interest in sex, though the gf is sometimes nymfoing, and that's even been an issue for me (how to perform on demand when feeling sad or hurt or holding a grudge or or just down). But I don't feel that pressured anymore since she's taking it easier and just stroking me until I get my head right.

I tried Neutron player for android, but I could not find a way create a playlist. I guess it was buggy since the buttons didn't do anything. I've been using PlayerPro and PowerAmp before that. Probably all as good, though sleep phones suck in audio quality (but are usually the onky way to get in 3-4h uninterrupted).

I'll get some girls staring or some interesting small suggestive comments on rare occasions and maybe a girl sitting next to me on a bus and the atmosphere getting really loaded. State shifting seems on point when there's a flirty situation (feeling strong, but still calm).

Especially 1 dude at work has been a dick lately, like we're competing for something and trying to make himself real important everywhere. I'm not getting in his way, I'll just leave and go do my own thing. I've been feeling more hostile lately, but I think its mostly in relation to this kinda crap, and the gf pulling various stunts. Overall all is well - mostly trying to get to where I want to be at work. Overall attitude is kinda f you atm.

Oh, and also hitting the gym again. Posterior shoulder just got too much and stings on vertical presses atm.

Went to an event, where I saw the aura working its magic. My very good friend's new gf keep staring into my eyes the whole night and I just had this feeling that was very receptive and mindful of me. And then late at night I actually got approached, thought she was no hottie. Maybe 6-7, age was ok, clear indirect approach. Tried to be polite while waiting for my group to get there. Felt like she was defensive of something as I tried for some normal convo, but I guess these are just weird situations.

On the following days I decided to go past 3 loops to 5,and now I've got pretty bad cold. On MIR for 1.5 days now. No, I don't think its a resistance sickness - I just drank a lot of alcohol out of the blue, lots of time outside, more loops, always on the go, etc.

Major depression going in atm. I thought I its just that I HATE being sink, and that the gf is being a bitch out the blue, but now I remembered this is how I used to feel some days on E2. Feeling luke I don't know about anything anymore, fuck it all and leave me be. This too shall pass, yes.

Gonna get on program asap,though! I'm thinking if I should try B for a week to see what's that like, but idk yet.

I was doing MIR for some days, and after the 1st night of getting back on DMSI, the gf reported having had terrible nightmares all night. Again I'm unsure if she's being affected by the healing of others, or if she's just hearing some US from my sleepphones. She does say she doesn't hear anything.

Just now was interesting: I was waiting for someone with the gf, and then she went to get something so I was left alone for a couple minutes. After 30 s, I girl appeared from the other side of the road. She was crossing it my direction but she seemed kinda hesitant; I wasn't sure if she didn't know where she was going or what, she just kinda walked slow and then just stood there for a moment. Never looking at me, but in my direction and we were the only 2 oeople there. She was kinda semi hot, so I thought jokingly to myself that she's my manifestation, she's gonna come talk to me. But I ignored her, browsed my phone. She gets out of it and walks past me and away. Cool. Then, she walks back from behind me to stand in front of me, and asks sorry do you have a light? Nope. Unfortunately I do not. We smile, she leaves. GF arrives soon after. I had just had sex 30min before, so no excitement and didn't feel any aura or anything. Funny - could be nothing.

(06-19-2017, 11:05 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]asks sorry do you have a light?

That's a very standard pick up line girls use. I've had it before, so has my cousin.

(....)

(06-19-2017, 12:40 PM)Travis Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah girls do weird things like that, because they can't approach directly. She was definitely wanting to talk to you

Speaking of, I definitely messed up with my hairdresser. She texted me on friday and I never pitched a meet. ><

Now I'm not sure how to recontact her or when.

All kinds of small things and passing themes that don't really matter in the long term, but there is one consistent evolution I've been meaning to report.

Sex. Me & the gf, what it used to be was that we'd have a date and I'd get real horny with her and "take her", and maybe I'd plan to do something before hand, like tie her hands & blindfold or something. This was about a year ago, and it was what I did with the other ladies also (a bit more than a year go). I was of course living alone at the time, so I'd have all the alone time I needed and date times were special highlights in my schedule so I could always charge up to the events energy wise. I've always loved BJs, but I was also quite nervous when receiving them (except with 1 girl who really got off on it); I'd let her do it a bit and then (soon) "relieve her" of that job and proceed with the penetratus.

There was a slower transition time now on dmsi & living together that it shifted to her always initiating sex, and me being tired and stressed about performing and often resentful due to some fight that we'd just had and somehow feeling not okay with her starting sex afterwards. (I guess I wasn't ready to let go of the issues yet, plus nervous about not being in the right head space and thus not being able to get turned on like a bull like before, and thus not being good enough (for that standard)). But she has definitely been taking the lead in sex in a way, which was always something I felt I have to keep. Must be aggressive (=masculine), must stunt internal nervousness with tension and testosterone. (Cannot relax.) But she did also start cumming now that she got to be on top. I was really uncomfortable because she'd do some sort of weird grinding and I wasn't feeling where "the spot" is, and what's happening, and how long is this taking, and generally out of control. And control was important, because I was nervous if I'd be able to stay up (or not cumming) for long. And that was because of all the mental chatter and internal conflict I had going on. Anyway, she was always a screamer back when I was pile-driving her, and she was really enjoying it, so there's never been doubts about that. Also, she was very quick to come if I'd finger her, but apparently she had never (ever) been able to come through intercourse alone. So it happened some times, and she was getting excited - and, quote, "proud" about it. Now its a constant thing.

So, finally getting to now, I had an amazing day yesterday. Had *great* sex for the 2nd time during the day, and it left us both so satisfied and happy that I was basically smiling the whole day. We've had all kinds of tension lately, but she commented feeling joyful and happy when we we're walking outside. Privately (i.e. anonymously on the forum), I'd say I was feeling loving. There were some seriously hot-looking chicks that we walked past, and they'd stare in to my eyes, and I think 2 or 3 smiled at me almost blushing. While I was walking and talking hand-in-hand with the gf. She took a picture of me that she wanted to show to her friends because she thought I looked so sexy. But back to the sex report, now its really that I just lay back and she'll start stroking me and often I'll get these long bjs where I can just enjoy the hell out of it, and this hot blond is purring naked on my right leg, looking at me with my dick in her mouth. Some times she'll turn sideways so I can finger her while she's doing it, and a couple times she had wanted to come that way, so that she's sucking me while she cums. Unfortunately my recovery is not in any way phenomenal, and I'm not the most consistently high-energy guy anyway, so I feel bad after cumming because I know I'm "weakened" for a couple of days - and I might "need" that strength tomorrow, so I feel pressured. More than a year ago, I brought up that I might not want to cum every time for that reason. Her response was to get freaking pissed because she didn't understand it at all. We dabbled a bit, but it was kinda forgotten. Now she brings up this (tantric) thing herself, and we've been experimenting for some days now - and are really happy with it. Nothing special but just extending our trend of going slow and towards full relaxation and enjoyment with no destination - kind of like meditating when you're really horny and the girl is riding your dick and cumming on you, or sucking you of, or you're moving on top. Just focus on slow square breathing and enjoy. No regret afterwards and it still feels like I'm having sex even though the event was yesterday (twice).

Yeah, maybe I should get to work and stop perving out. ION, thinking a little bit about what the hell does family mean to me. I've always had a large extended family to support me, but I've still grown as an only child. I'm having the thought that me & people who don't yet exist are gonna be missing out if I don't continue that on my part, but also I really still don't want that for myself atm, and that I guess the "family" will still live on if the others produce the new recruits and build the houses that we gather in. But still unsure what I'd like my role to be in that. And the current gf (and dmsi, and work) situation is too unstable for now to really be viable anyway. Oh well, let it process. I did B for about a week (4-7h), last night back to A (4h). Maybe I'll alternate, not sure yet.

"I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love... Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I — I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women, er, women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake...but I do deny them my essence."

Base Commander Jack D. Ripper, in: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, 1964

Long post short, I'm back on B. I've been doing the healing side for so long I didn't even remember I used to be high-energy at times and not a semi-depressed or offended butthurt low-energy moper. I can be depressed on B also, but its like I still have some fight left in me to kick ass. Also, now I'm in a sexy mood and not in a depressed anti-sexy mood. No O for about a week now and have had s 3 times today. But need a break now,though.

Oh yeah, 2nd morning on B and I felt like throwing up again. Odd.

3: To clarify, there was NO sex for the past 5 days when I was on A. The gf wasn't interested and I was again too tired/lazy/uninspired and unaggressive. Night and day.

Because if reasons, I soon turned 180 on my new-found enthusiasm for the B-side, and was inspired to imitate another forum member by taking two nights off and only doing 2 loops on the other days. Tonight will I'll be beginning my 2nd break with this. Been feeling quite apathetic and sometimes sad this week, but I'm tolerating it.

Didn't think I'd be interested in MLS, but I gotta admit running that would make so much sense in my situation, while I really don't exactly know why I'm running DMSI. I guess I'm mostly seeking the indirect benefits from DMSI and decidedly turning a blind eye to the non-optimal effects its having on (like a lack of direction dye to conflicting goals and values). On the other hand, what I do for work is... let's say 80% learning, and if MLS worked, it could really give me an edge, and make what I spend most of my time on more enjoyable. As opposed to secretly wishing some hottie would show me her panties in some cafe for a couple if seconds and then not really getting much more than the ego boost from it. Learning just feels so healthy by comparison (I know, issues).

I think my main advantage has always been that I'm a fast learner, so its definitely something I'd easily identify with. Though now at work there's so much that I could and should be learning that I'm overwhelmed daily. Especially with DMSI A. Having a clear mind is actually one of the reasons I really wanted to run earlier versions of it. Not sure where that's at now. I would miss the attention - there's someone at the office I wouldn't mind banging. But with her pride and my situation, its not gonna happen.. and it wouldn't matter the next day... so, again, why not just disconnect from these distractions for a while?

But first, tonight is my night off. Enjoy, me!

Taking the time off definitely helps. It allows you to process the sub and let the instruction set run for a while before being picked up again. Over the first few weeks of approaching the sub this way, you will be apathetic, but then stuff just seems to click in place.

Thank you for the comment Mr. Togo - I've enjoyed reading your journal immensely. It does seem like with a short break and then just 2 loops per day, the air of sadness has room to rise and is not pushed or rushed away. I'd rather have that slight aggression, but I guess this is what's supposed to happen as I process. Also, last weekend, with a break in the input, I felt like my mind had some space to again wander off a bit into thoughts of what I'd like to do. No rush, I guess.

For how many days do you guys run the sub before taking 2 nights/days off?