Subliminal Talk

Recently, I noticed the fatigue is gone. That either means im getting used to the energy draw and/or I stopped resisting to something. The fatigue was really bad. I would go home late at night and I just fail to open my eyes after blinking.

Today on the train and was messaging a friend of mine about videography and port-processing, I was punched in the face by the H-drip and i started getting really energized and sedated at the same time. Immediately I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude about my current life situation. Something is executing but I don't know what is.

On a side note, last night I told myself "hey subconscious, dont pull out of the headphones at night" because I usually do pull it out right after the loops ended but i wasnt sure if it really was the end of BOTH loops. I slept in today and woke up with both headphones on.

-Emotional Rollercoaster is still present meaning I still need some clearing. After going through the shitstorm of emotions, I was preparing to do my homework and then something snapped. I stared at my computer with absolutely zero thoughts in my mind for I don't know how long. Then I started thinking about neediness and making sentences that doesn't really make sense. The intent however is was to separate and disassociate from the neediness. Soon my conscious mind started echoing this sentiment was well.

-This led to me to dive straight into a couple of books to gain insight on my personality. This led to me discovering a voice that came far deeper than the usual surface thoughts. It told of my personality that is covered by negativity and needed to be cleared.

-My vocal projection and speech became louder and clearer.

-last night I had an absolutely terrible first few minutes into the loops. My head was about to explode and I felt all my veins are pumping blood. In the morning however, I felt like I cleared something.

- about a week ago, I had a dream where I was making out with a girl I know and it was incredibly detailed at the time as well as having the physical sensations of touch accompanying the experience. It was an unreal amount sense of desire coming from that girl. I see her now and i noticed that im 3x more attracted to her. Reverse sniped?

I think I finally found what I am afflicted with for the longest time. It's difficult to explain. It's almost like a ceiling on the emotions I feel. Its either neutral or its really low and almost never happiness. A. I can't consciously bring emotions up either.

After that, theres also reoccurring questions of why I seem to be incapable of having things others have. Why am i seemingly incapable of having deep emotional bonds with other people? What makes me unworthy of such connection with others. Am I defective or something?

-Going to run B for a while and see how that goes.

-last night I had more vivid dreams of the design goal. Wished it translated to the reality.

-Had a hunch or feeling to go to a college event but I resisted attending because of fear. I gave myself more and more reasons not to go to this event. Suddenly, before the train. Was far less about DMSI and more so being able to be in more social situations instead of driving myself towards isolation. Small Steps Aventus :angel:

Disclaimer: ran a variety of loops and currently testing whether 3 loops its better for me.

2 loops didnt feel like it has the kick i wanted,

3 loops seem to be the best for me but still need to be tested.

4 loops wears me out more than I am willing to sacrifice although i didn't blow up like Nemania.

Update of what happened in the few days.

-asked out a fellow mentee who, I think, has been eyeing me since the start of the program. ill update on what, if anything, happens.

-my previous internship i nailed down went up in smoke so i applied again for an internship. Within 30 minutes of applying to multiple job listings, I got an interview with another firm.

The day before the interview, I got into the state-funded youth employment program, which program participants are taken by a lottery.

Next day, the interview went really well. It turns out it is arguably better than the original offer I got in terms of training and such.

During said interview, I also got an email from the firm the originally rejected me and was offered another position within their company. The benefits, aside from being paid, wasnt as up to par as the current offer so i refused it.

The hispanic girl that i am friends with, and also in my class, sent me this one video the is blatantly provative. I found it hilarious because it was an Ad for 5Gum that said "How it feels to chew 5gum" and a sudden cut to a girl getting deepthroated, and back to the Ad saying "simulate your senses" XD


Woke up from 2 weird dreams.

First involved my mom which i can easily see why. I perceived her as someone who limits and contains me. She was the parent who was controlling.

The second one I had no idea but it was interesting none the less.

In class, the Hispanic girl and I were messing around as usual. This time was being the usual annoying by clicking on random keys on my computer, I was feeling alot bolder so I grabbed her hand as she was doing it. She retracted her hand fast and she stopped doing it. Afterward, she has this one hand between her legs, and during the lecture she would look back at me repeatedly and making eye contact on some of them but she would show me she is nodding off in class. She also told he she had a hereditary disease that causes her to be sleepy in class? Weird way of justifying something I don't really care about

• Had a club meeting that is talking about Asian American issues that made me question why I was so afraid of speaking my own opinions of things and a part of it could be the fear of being alienated by others for having such views. Another is my opinions can be pretty abrasive and should be tempered with tact.
  
  
• It also made me question the root of it. As in where did this come from?
  it ended with me thinking I should speak up more and bring my views into light.
  
  
• This really tall girl was presenting with this one dude. As the dude was talking, she was showing something akin to submissive behaviors? Her head was pointed down+ I think she was leaning back but her hips was forward? her feet were pointed at me+ crotch presentation? Her entire body was pointed at me during their presentation. Shes 6 foot and I was sitting down so it made her hips like eye level with me.
  

Edit

Yesterday, I was alone with this Hispanic chick and my escalation was really awkward. She was showing IOIs and such but I felt EXTREMELY hesitant with escalation so it felt even more half-assed.

Quick update
Version A 4 loops

2 weeks ago

I manifested a girl who quickly became my go to model for my photography for the weeks up to this week. I consider it a manifestion because it was through a particular set of coincidences that led up to me meeting her. We find time in the week to shoot.

Last Week

My Grandfather kicked the bucket so I decided to take the week off and really evaluate what my life mission was, and since it was the summer, it would be a great time to really hustle go towards said mission or goals

Yesterday

I woke up to my mind clearly saying I have a fear or something. As clear as day, my mental voice said "I have this fear if _______" . An interesting part of the day for sure.

Today

Woke of from a dream that made me feel a huge sense of freedom from some kind of shackles and probably involves women. Nice to have this clearing.

My condolences on your Grandfather's passing. How old was he?

Woke up in a rage about my unpaid internship.

Today, I'm wearing a suit for a funeral so I look sharp af. I go into a coffee shop before the event and when I finish ordering my coffee, I turn around and this Asian woman looked at my chest and then looked down at my crotch. She licked her lips too while looking at my crotch.