(02-21-2017, 06:36 PM)destinedtochange Wrote: [ -> ]Last night it happened again another similar "cant open my eyes" and feel like I am going to crash or something and anticipate the "pain".....I know this much that I believe that similar dream took place again but not in the form of a car crash like the previous post dream.
Here's the weird thing today, before people in my job are chit chatting away and I felt like I wanted to include my self and it was bothering me and I felt isolated and ignored...........but today I felt neutral and it didnt bother me this time.....I felt poised and calm and neutral about not, not craving attention.
I do get thoughts and desires to stop EPHRA not because I cant take it no more but because I think I just jump right into OF or OGSF.......is that resistance whispering in my ears to do this because EPHRA feels boring and not noticing anything happening?
Yes this is resistance and believe me... After u change sub.. Few days u will feel boring again and will change again...
Man I am also having a thoughts of changing subs but I do my best to distract myself and watch movie for something
How Bizarre
I thought I had set up the listening for last night ephra....but when i woke up the phone is dead and charger is off the outldt?
Dont even remember how much i listened last night...weird
Results for the day - all throughout at work I did not let it get to me that no one was talkng to me. I felt calm and comfortable. I guess I would take deep breaths in frustration when it used to get to me but today did not even do none of that. Yes, there was hints of social anxiety, but that was the main take away, not caring if others laughed it up and chit chatted with each other where I wish I could join in and be a part of the social circle... because I didn't care for it...
I rarely make girls laugh but today I got 2 chuckles from 2 different women, over the phone.....I dont even sputter playful jokes so that was something new.
Also ordered my sleep phones today, yay!. Going to try out and see how the affects are with using sleep phones while you sleep.
Very Interesting day today..........I could definitely feel the impact of EPHRA on me today........where I would never talk to anyone, I actually started talking to them. I mean of course there was not the social sense of humor where I get the whole people in the work place laughing their butts off but I did feel like I could talk more freely without fearing rejection and when I was rejected I didnt care I just said what was on my mind; well maybe not the whole time throughout the day but somewhat a bit here and there spread out thru the day....I still had social anxiety but I at the same time could feel like I could say what I wanted in the midst of the topic at the present time and along with the fact that I didnt feel like hoping to be included in the conversation. I was still neutral and cool with where I was not craving attention or anything.
Felt very happy today, cheery, just like the band Feel Good, Inc. I even talked freely at home with those I usually wouldnt talk freely with like my bro in law; I dont mean to say I was conversating with him but I just could openly make comments where otherwise I would hesitate in doing so... heck I even said I was in a good mood to everyone at home who was in my immediate presence.
I do still have social anxiety and irrational fears too...but important thing is I felt the affects of EPHRA today
Today, I ended up raising the volume to 50 / 60 on my Insignia receiver. I don't know if I felt any difference with raising the volume on that device.
At work, again the continuining affects of EPHRA still had a hold on me; what I mean is didn't care about receiving attention felt neutral and didnt mind nor craved it. Also, I guess I make comments in my section where I work and don't care if I get acknowledged for it....but it isnt loud and clear, it is like low tone to myself still kind of shy sort of comments like I want to break through from that and become extroverted.
However where I still am lacking is communication skills and having a sense of humor: ability to make anyone laugh on demand. I try to make comments and try to be funny but am not laughed with nor even chuckled. The pretty girl that I wanted to be friends with did make one random comment toward me, it was unexpected and dont know why she did that.
Sometimes I look at these women (yes there are officially now 4 women at my call center) and I am like thinking to myself, "man if you only knew what I knew when it comes to things like DMSI that I can make you want me" with their attitudes and perceptions of me that I would never be such a guy.....kinda felt good to know this fact. Maybe I might do it just for them to get their lady boners on lol shit even if one is fat n ugly, mostly have bfs and hubbies, etc..(yes I stole that from the guy that thought of the phrase!).
I cant make these people laugh on demand would be a good skillset to have.......one of the ladies toward the end left with making a common sense statement......I only wish I could have fun with smartass sarcastic responses.....instead of saying something along the lines of "yes maam I wont forget"........I mean I dont want them to be my partners sexually but at least enjoy talking with them with a sense of humor and not me being this quiet shy guy being "polite and respectful" to them. But I didnt care to be acknowledged with my acquaintances at work.....didnt even care for a hi. I was happy and neutral......nonetheless I was still afraid and feared to make comments and join in on the topic confidently.....that part still needs to be worked on with me; fear of commenting of rejection or being taken seriously and fear of sarcasm....I want to have good relationships with these people but lack of communication skills, sense of humor, and fear are my barricades.
At work, on the phone as a cold calling telemarketer, I ended up getting customers that asked me to calll them back and make it look like that they never did want me to call them......I was in a mode of frustration and really got pissed off and started getting angry with people fucking with me whether intentionally or unintentionally to want svcs but then act like they dont; but anyway I was getting upset where they pushed me to frustration and I think I had to raise my voice.....EPHRA didnt keep me calm on this playing field situation. But I was definitely getting upset and frustrated.
However I felt very happy as I was driving home, being happy and joking with myself sounding all hyper and I think I even commented to strangers in my happy mode and rhythm...its gota be EPHRA....you just dont go home driving happily and all cheery after a day of not laughing with your co workers and joking around and being popular and feeling loved being viewed as this unfun boring guy that doesnt ever talk like a hermit......instead with these characteristics I should be depressed and having the blues but nope, I was cheery and being funny in my own mind...come to think of it I can think of funny things only to myself that I am afraid of sharing in the real world....irrational fears could be to blame.....but thats how I felt as I was driving, EPHRA is to be credited for this.
Today I finally got my new amplifier in the mail cant wait to try it out tonight with the US tone EPHRA. Still waiting on the sleepphones too.
I tried to boost the volume from the amplifier last night and kept getting jolted up from sleep 2 or 3 times when I was dozing off.......kinda like a jolt where it was too intense to handle so I lowered it down a bit. Wonder if I shouldve let it playing on high power?
I finally got my sleep phones today much sooner than I expected too.....but just one problem is that i cant connect it to my amplifier since there is no option there to use headphone jacks....so I will have to figure something out with it.
As far as today, nothing exciting to report. Felt alot of unenergetic feelings not to do much, felt lazy or tired or something but overall peachy keen attitude.
So I finally tried on the sleep phones......I tried to sleep with them using masked subliminals trickling streams but I couldnt sleep for 2 hours.........took that bad boy off and put on US tones......still couldnt sleep I think........it has more to do with that sleepphone being on my face that keeps me distracted from sleeping.....Im afraid thats what kept me awake until I took it off and finally went to bed.....
Had dreams last night but dont know if it was along with the subs or not....dreams were interesting...one guy was driving a motorcycle lost balance and fell off of it while oncoming traffic was right behind him........I spoke with him which felt hours later, and he was jolly explaining what went down and how he survived...
Then another dream, saw these guys ahead of me in a tunnel which seemed like it was their job to organize the tracks before starting the day in a group and then disorganize it when it was closing down.....i was in my car ahead of them and the ones by the entrance saw me and decided to close the door was they were disassembling it.
Then in another dream was about a hindi film I watched "hero" from 1983 and the bad guy that played the role in it was sitting lavishly...this big fat naked dude ahead of me came up to him to request a child and he was disgusted with his nakedness but approved of his entrance and as that is going down I am realizing to myself this same villian will soon meet his fate of death as in the movie....
(side note the computer accidentally backbuttoned itself and I feared I lost everything I wrote and would have to rewrite it) hitting the forward button I am glad to see everything is in tact).
Anyway, the naked guy that came to get a child tried to do this nasty things to a fat lil boy and yeah thats where it stopped
Then finally there was a dream where I was driving but as I am driving I am feeling confused as the roads become confusing and "uneven". I saw these interstate numbers and I guess I was going somewhere but not sure where.
Lastly I thought of the people I knew in my past that I thought to myself would be cool people to be in touch with and be friends with and wanted to write a list of those people.
Thats it with the dreams. I felt something but I am not going to say it was EPHRA too early to conclude it......I felt sort of fearless I guess where I could feel like doing anything and not caring for the results..........this morning I had to drop my daddy off to work when heading home i thought id try to stop by mcdonalds and pick up a breakfast sandwich; someone in front of me was taking hours to move it felt, I honked at them then thinking if I should get out of the car to ask whats takin so long......didnt do that part; then I asked the girl at the drive thru window what took her so long to move, and made a comment 'man im hungry' to her when she passed over my sandwich. These 3 things I dont know Id normally do.
That night, I went again to mickey d's and wanted to get some iced coffee was craving it I guess, this dude at the drive thru started talking in a way that I was perceived as retarded i donno....but he was like 'are u okay man' but not in a nice way but in a way that he was poking fun....I answered cool as in 'no i am not ok i cant find my debit card' then I forgot what happened after that, but then I was like 'hey how about you pay it for me'.......and that caught him off guard like he didnt know how to respond....
That night upon entering back home without my iced coffee, i confronted my niece in front of her parents' presence like she opened the bathroom door and i asked her if she did it....she obviously did and I kind of put her in her place yes shes 4 but i think she should have known better and i told her directly in a way where both parents can listen to how I was telling her.....like i am not gonna be afraid to let my baby niece know what is wrong and right.....felt so good to doing it....like i wasnt afraid of saying it
DISCLAIMER: Ben, incase you are wondering with the whole ip thing, I am just signed in from my job location. Hope that is okay.
I dont remember any dreams last night...
So today at work, felt the issues of frustration again desiring to communicate with some people at work. That feeling I thought that was gone for a few days seemed to find its way back to me. I am having problems speaking up even just to chit chat with folks. But then again I never freely chatted with anyone, just didnt care to want to join in. When I feel this desire to wish I could join into a conversation freely and can't, it is like being trapped in a bubble without air where you want to hyperventilate for air; that is the exact feeling I got.
I felt irrational fears as i always do. However I also feel this feeling of no fear at the same time, cant explain it. I am irrationally fearing but I am correct, I am not afraid of confrontation? It's like i could just do it but somewhat I hesitate too....if that makes any sense.
I believe I am on 52 days as of today using EPHRA...looking forward to the 64 day mark then finally the 96 day mark...dont know if I will play it for 6 months may be I might upgrade after 96 days to 2.0 dont know..
I have been on hiatus from the sub. Reason being is because when I bought the amplifiers, putting it on almost max volume, from my speakers that claim can handle "21khz" I started hearing bouts of POP POP POP for the first minute or 2 from EPHRA 1.0 then there on out, pure static.
So I shut it off completely.....now am looking to get BOSE or POLK brand speakers between 20 and 25 khz and buying an actual stereo receiver that can handle usb listening with a mic to use sleep phones with.
Another issue is speaking of sleep phones is that I lose comfort with the sleepphone on me and cant stand it with something on me as i try to sleep......and have to get that checked.
Just taking care of some hardware troubles so to speak before I am back into the swing of things......
Even though I noticed mild affects of the program, I still feared like shit and felt back to falling where I was....so please stay tuned as I get the hardware problems in check.....