Subliminal Talk

I took down my first journal because it had too much personal information in it, but I keep seeing things I want to take notes on, so I'm starting another one.

Last night I decided to stop doing MIR and return to DMSI 3.0.1-A hybrid. The infection isn't fully cleared, but I'm using this as an opportunity to better understand the turbulence between 5.5G programs.

Last night I had a dream or a series of related dreams. They were very unusual. In the beginning, I was eating cockroaches, and it was making me nauseous, but as long as I didn't look at them or think about what I was doing too much, I was only slightly nauseous, and I was trying hard to convince myself this was a good thing to do. I kept eating them for a while, and then stopped when I could not bear the thought of eating them anymore. Then I vomited, and when I saw my vomit, it sent me into a vomiting fit.

In what I take to be the second dream, I was wearing a jacket that was infested with cockroaches. I could feel them, and I knew they were there, but for some reason I did not take off the jacket. They would occasionally skitter here and there, but I tried to ignore it. I was trying to interact with others normally, but I could not relax or really enjoy myself.

In the third part of the dream, I had only one cockroach left in my clothes. I was sitting in the back of my grandfather's old ugly Oldsmobile where he used to carry cargo. This last roach skittered off me, covered in diatomaceous earth, and it was starting to die. As it skittered away, it left an egg sac, and I noticed there were bits and pieces of other roaches here and there. I got out of the car and I was at my grandmother's old house, and it looked how it looked before she sold it almost 15 years ago. I started looking for oranges, and came across a kumquat tree in fruit, and ate one. Spit out the seed.

Then I woke up.

This dream sequence confuses me. "Eating cockroaches" strongly implies that what I am "putting into myself" (DMSI) is being perceived as undesirable and disgusting. But there is nothing in the script that should be triggering such a response. Unless maybe some part of me is still on mom's kool aid from back before I started using AM... very confused by this.

The implication is that this is disgusting, and it is being rejected, and my subconscious is trying to "kill it".

I suspect that this resistance, if that interpretation is correct, arises from the beliefs my mother instilled in me when I was very young. She was a man-hating feminist and didn't realize it. Apparently had some serious issues with taking personal responsibility when it came to men, sex and love. Did some really stupid things. Yet she was a very intelligent, wise, strong, capable, reliable and wise woman otherwise. But she managed to train me to be a doormat for women and choose women who would treat me like a dog, and then seemed confused when I didn't agree to or like that.

That is actually where AM came from.

So in 2 weeks, DMSI 3.0.1-A seems to have tunneled into BS that even 5 years of AM didn't clear out. When I made the first proto-version of AM, I went through a period of about a week and a half where my subconscious was hating the instructions and fighting every day to get me to stop. I would not, and after that, it relented and a huge change took place. I'm guessing that's what is happening here.

So sorry, subconscious, but we are going to eat cockroaches. And like it.

I am noticing that I look younger since starting DMSI. Like 5 or 10 years younger. Had to do a double take in the mirror the other day.

I haven't mentioned it yet but DSMI seems to have cracked the "Black box" of my subconscious. I was always willing to change, but only to a certain point and then I would shut down, or revert.I felt like I hit that point 4 days ago and then 2 days of "silence", only the energy flooding seemed still to be working. Then I get hit with resistance and massive change all at once, and it's still going on. Healing and change all at once is difficult, but it seems that I can eat my way through it. Whenever I get grumpy from resistance I just eat a whole bunch and it helps move things right along.

After that first post, I think I understand what is going on.

A while back I created a sub for clearing out clutter. I ran it, and it produced... severe depression.

I ran it three days like this and eventually had a dream in which my subconscious basically communicated that the clutter was associated with my then-recently deceased mother, and by trying to get rid of it, I was "throwing away my mother". I stopped using it, because I could not remain productive with that level of depression, and other programs took priority.

Fast forward. Now I am using DMSI 3.0.1-A and during 2.4, I had a brief period during which I was impatient as hell to clean and started cleaning like a maniac. Threw away all kinds of stuff that was sentimental value, but just creating clutter. This immediately stopped on 2.5.

I suspect the reason my subconscious does not like 3.0.1-A is because to accomplish the goals of the program requires my house to not be a cluttered mess. Which I consciously have always hated having it this way. My subconscious doubtless still associates clutter with having my mother around. So it's resisting severing that connection and cleaning, which is a big part of the goal achievement process.

Ha ha, gotcha now, kitty! Eat cockroaches!

Just re-ran the models for how many loops per day is optimal for 3.0.1-A. 3 wins again.

What does all this mean for people running AM?

(12-17-2016, 01:47 PM)ffaux Wrote: [ -> ]What does all this mean for people running AM?

That all is fine and nothing changes

(12-17-2016, 01:47 PM)ffaux Wrote: [ -> ]What does all this mean for people running AM?

I fail to see why it would mean much of anything for people running AM.

.....

(12-17-2016, 02:33 PM)XyzN Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-17-2016, 02:24 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-17-2016, 01:47 PM)ffaux Wrote: [ -> ]What does all this mean for people running AM?

I fail to see why it would mean much of anything for people running AM.

With your quote about how it only took 2 weeks for DMSI opposed to AM's 5 years to see that stuff, it may have sounded like you were implying DMSI is better to run than AM in some way.

AM6 has E1 in it for healing. DMSI has something that blows away E2. DMSI is not better than AM, they have completely different goals. One has more advanced technology and more powerful healing. The other is aimed at becoming a transcendant alpha. Since they have different goals, it's like comparing apples to asteroids again. Neither is "better than" the other; they are different.

AM is better at achieving it's goals than DMSI is - you won't become an alpha using DMSI. Likewise, you won't achieve DMSI's goals using AM.

So in the end... there's no implication that one is better. Pick your goal and use the best tool for achieving that goal.

Quote:So in 2 weeks, DMSI 3.0.1-A seems to have tunneled into BS that even 5 years of AM didn't clear out. When I made the first proto-version of AM, I went through a period of about a week and a half where my subconscious was hating the instructions and fighting every day to get me to stop. I would not, and after that, it relented and a huge change took place. I'm guessing that's what is happening here.

Damn... I love the sound of this. Especially since the deeper issues I have with abandonment and such.

I am considering doing a little bit of AM refresher for a few reasons, mainly a potential rage response some have mentioned from DMSI and fatigue at first. I can deal with both most of the time but mainly around christmas/new years i'll be doing more security again since it pays well at this time of year and neither of those are good for that job. Though the testing potential on new years eve.. hmm.

Got pulled over by the police this evening. I had a headlight out. This was different than my usual experience getting pulled over.

In the last 2-3 years I have only ever been pulled over because I had a light out. Normally they ask for license, registration and proof of insurance. This time, nobody requested proof of insurance.

Normally they give me a written warning with a time limit for getting it fixed and some sort of fee to pay. This time, they ran my tags, checked my license and registration, and then came back with... "Get your light fixed." And that was it...

After analyzing it, I get the impression there was a sense of respect and perhaps the celebrity effect kicking in. Very interesting.

(12-17-2016, 11:52 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]

Quote:So in 2 weeks, DMSI 3.0.1-A seems to have tunneled into BS that even 5 years of AM didn't clear out. When I made the first proto-version of AM, I went through a period of about a week and a half where my subconscious was hating the instructions and fighting every day to get me to stop. I would not, and after that, it relented and a huge change took place. I'm guessing that's what is happening here.

Damn... I love the sound of this. Especially since the deeper issues I have with abandonment and such.

I am considering doing a little bit of AM refresher for a few reasons, mainly a potential rage response some have mentioned from DMSI and fatigue at first. I can deal with both most of the time but mainly around christmas/new years i'll be doing more security again since it pays well at this time of year and neither of those are good for that job. Though the testing potential on new years eve.. hmm.

I *had* abandonment issues,then I ran 2.4 for the entire duration of time before 3.0A came out lol, now i'm in a much better place. What're you waiting for?!

Ben is worried that he might gain weight. What he's not seeing is that more people seem to have lost weight, and that the reasons for weight being an issue are emotional traumas which would be cleared by DMSI 3.0.1-A...