06-26-2016, 03:02 PM
I can't believe I am about to write this. For the most wild, yet most homely narrative which I am about to pen, I neither expect nor solicit belief. You might not believe me, and I wouldn't blame you, since it took me several days to comprehend and process it, too.
It has been a little less than 3 years since I got on here and ran my first sub. I started with AM5, then moved on to WM2, then SM3, then ASC, then EPRHA 1.0 and right now I am using EPRHA 2.0. I was a skeptic up until EPRHA 2.0, when I changed so much in so little time, that there was no other possible explanation. I now have the emotional maturity of a wise old man, I like my self like I never thought it was possible, I have an invisible wall around me that protects me from all kinds of negativity and my sense of self has been reconstructed to resemble a marvel like the Ancient Pyramids...
...but this is not the point.
I want to write about AOSI v1, and my fun with it. I, so far, have used it for 3 hours in total and against the instructions, since I mixed it with E2. The first time I used it for 2:30 hours, and it went down like this:
Pretty uneventful, uh? And then I went back to EPRHA 2.0.
7 Days go by and me and my cousin are heading out. Exam period is over and I want to have some fun. So I drop by his place just right before we went out. He had AOSI playing in the background so I got exposed to it for 30 minutes, and then we hit the bar.
(At this point, I am a guy who lost his virginity 16 months ago, hasn't had sex in 14 months, and has been with only one girl. The most action I have gotten since then, was a few French kisses with one girl. For 8 months now, my no.1 priority was my University classes, so making new friends, meeting girls and talking to people had been minimized. Most of my time was spent studying, attending classes and looking at the computer screen. I barely went out. Social momentum must have been 0, right? Well, with EPRHA 1.0/2.0, not so much.)
We get to the place and meet my cousin's friends, we take a sit and started chugging down the beer and Absinthe. At the other side of the table there is a girl checking me out, and I find her kind of cute, too. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her, but then I saw her fat legs and I swore to never ever look at her direction again. Later on, she came to my side of the table and chatted me up. All's cool, but then she is giggling too much. All's cool then she is touching me too much. All's cool but then she is giggling and touching me too much. All's cool but then is giggling and cuddling my arm. All's is cool but she is not moving 1m away from me. All's cool except these legs of hers and voice of hers. She soon left. I did not miss her.
The night goes on, the beers keep coming and the girl with the floral dress that caught my attention right when I walked in is now sitting next to me, talking to me, and I am standing close to her one arm around her chair and standing tall close to her like David's statue. My cousin gets my attention and moves his lips saying “She's into you, her friend told me.”. So oblivious was I, that the universe had to pull some strings to get me to notice. I grab her and we get to dancing. She is petite and shy, feminine, smart, and smells like fresh mountain morning. Dancing made touching so easy, there was no conscious escalation needed and it all flowed like the sound of the trickling stream that brought me here. Soon we were kissing and discussing Edgar A.Poe. Time flies and it's almost morning, when my cousin walks up to me to remind me of a quote I told him some time ago that goes like this: “We'd be surprised by the amount of girls that would come home with us, if only we asked them too, even on the first date.” He is right. I am right. So asked her too come. She did come.
She came home and she was all over me. We had a great time but did not go all the way due to her monthly mechanical difficulties. Two nights later she dropped by my place again and this time all the X's in all the keyboards wouldn't describe what went down.
Our common friends told me that she is a very nice and cool girl, and she does not really do that kind of thing (I realized that,too, because she seemed inexperienced at some stuff) and even though it sounds like a cold one night stand, it was a pleasing, fulfilling(emotionally,sexually and intellectually) experience, both nights. She stayed to hang out the mornings after, and I am glad she did. It is turning into something more than sex, and I am welcoming it. She is a dream, and she adores me.
________________________________________________________________________________
After the first night with her, I got no sleep, until 6pm. Later on, I would get the worst nightmare of my life. One that I don't really remember, but it thrilled me -- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before.
I dreamed that some kind of king, or emperor, or god had canceled my experience with her. I don't remember anything other than that I woke up in full sweat right in front of/despite my fully working fan with the most sadness, despair, depression and misery I have ever felt in my entire sleeping and wakeful life. I got up panicked and when I looked in the mirror I looked like I had just killed someone, or as if I had just had a stroke, or as if my entire family was murdered right in front of me. I could not stop crying for ~20 minutes. Crying like a little baby that got lost in the park. I felt an adult lost in life. Everything seemed pointless, vain, black, boring, meaningless, I felt unworthy, not good enough, that I would never really be happy and I could not shake my self out of it. I got dressed and went out. Hopefully, I walked it off and everything went almost back to normal after about 2-3 hours. That same night I didn't sleep very well, but I blasted E2 and the next morning everything was better.
This entire experience was new to me. I've never brought a girl home unless we knew each other for some time. This whole thing was so big that I couldn't process it. Imagine trying to fit an entire watermelon in your mouth, and really pushing it. Imagine pushing it so hard that your jaw breaks and your face becomes mushed potato with ketchup. In this allegory, the watermelon is the experience with the girl, and your mouth and face is my mind. Like that, it shattered, but hopefully it then went back to normal.
The experience triggered the following pattern in me, one I've suffered from for a long time and many times: “find girl, love girl, lose girl”. My brain says “Hey, we found a girl. She seems lovely. IMPENDING DOOM, ABANDON SANITY!”. All kinds of feelings of insecurity, unworthiness and undeservedness were triggered and surfaced in such short time. This turmoil passed, and I feel a victor for pulling through. What an experience. I did not even know my mind could do this, and how it would feel. I have a newly found perspective and empathy for the people suffering from mental illnesses.
….Viva la resistance?
________________________________________________________________________________
The next day after that, I wanted to grab a sandwich so I went to a local fast food joint. While walking in, I ran into a cute young server who has served me several times before so I locked eyes with her and I smile, she says hi, and I kept walking. While I was eating I noticed her looking at me, so I looked back but then I got back to my food. A few seconds later she is bringing me a glass of water. So what? Well, the thing is, I have been eating several times a month there, for the past 4 years and never, I repeat, never have I ever been served a glass of water or even seen someone else being served a glass of water there. I take it the glass of water symbolizes her wetness for the new me?
With that being said, that's what I am giving back to the community here in return for all the stories and advice I have read on here, the good and the bad. I am starting AOSI full-time on July 1st, but I do not even know if this will become a journal, but I had to share.
It has been a little less than 3 years since I got on here and ran my first sub. I started with AM5, then moved on to WM2, then SM3, then ASC, then EPRHA 1.0 and right now I am using EPRHA 2.0. I was a skeptic up until EPRHA 2.0, when I changed so much in so little time, that there was no other possible explanation. I now have the emotional maturity of a wise old man, I like my self like I never thought it was possible, I have an invisible wall around me that protects me from all kinds of negativity and my sense of self has been reconstructed to resemble a marvel like the Ancient Pyramids...
...but this is not the point.
I want to write about AOSI v1, and my fun with it. I, so far, have used it for 3 hours in total and against the instructions, since I mixed it with E2. The first time I used it for 2:30 hours, and it went down like this:
''After 40 minutes I felt a wave of feverish heat all over me, and specifically the head, which might have been caused from the sub. However, that was the hottest day since last summer here, so it might have been that, even though it started at 20:00, when the sun starts going down.
Then, I hit a bar alone to test it out. I got there and went to the bathroom and I saw the sexiest motherfucker I have seen in a long time in the mirror. I felt astoundingly sexy and was thinking "Wow, do I always look so good?". Even though I felt very sexy, I didn't feel very confident or social. On the other hand, I was almost invisible, I didn't get checked out nor did I get any prolonged looks or Indications of Interest, not on the streets and not at the bar.''
Then, I hit a bar alone to test it out. I got there and went to the bathroom and I saw the sexiest motherfucker I have seen in a long time in the mirror. I felt astoundingly sexy and was thinking "Wow, do I always look so good?". Even though I felt very sexy, I didn't feel very confident or social. On the other hand, I was almost invisible, I didn't get checked out nor did I get any prolonged looks or Indications of Interest, not on the streets and not at the bar.''
Pretty uneventful, uh? And then I went back to EPRHA 2.0.
7 Days go by and me and my cousin are heading out. Exam period is over and I want to have some fun. So I drop by his place just right before we went out. He had AOSI playing in the background so I got exposed to it for 30 minutes, and then we hit the bar.
(At this point, I am a guy who lost his virginity 16 months ago, hasn't had sex in 14 months, and has been with only one girl. The most action I have gotten since then, was a few French kisses with one girl. For 8 months now, my no.1 priority was my University classes, so making new friends, meeting girls and talking to people had been minimized. Most of my time was spent studying, attending classes and looking at the computer screen. I barely went out. Social momentum must have been 0, right? Well, with EPRHA 1.0/2.0, not so much.)
We get to the place and meet my cousin's friends, we take a sit and started chugging down the beer and Absinthe. At the other side of the table there is a girl checking me out, and I find her kind of cute, too. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her, but then I saw her fat legs and I swore to never ever look at her direction again. Later on, she came to my side of the table and chatted me up. All's cool, but then she is giggling too much. All's cool then she is touching me too much. All's cool but then she is giggling and touching me too much. All's cool but then is giggling and cuddling my arm. All's is cool but she is not moving 1m away from me. All's cool except these legs of hers and voice of hers. She soon left. I did not miss her.
The night goes on, the beers keep coming and the girl with the floral dress that caught my attention right when I walked in is now sitting next to me, talking to me, and I am standing close to her one arm around her chair and standing tall close to her like David's statue. My cousin gets my attention and moves his lips saying “She's into you, her friend told me.”. So oblivious was I, that the universe had to pull some strings to get me to notice. I grab her and we get to dancing. She is petite and shy, feminine, smart, and smells like fresh mountain morning. Dancing made touching so easy, there was no conscious escalation needed and it all flowed like the sound of the trickling stream that brought me here. Soon we were kissing and discussing Edgar A.Poe. Time flies and it's almost morning, when my cousin walks up to me to remind me of a quote I told him some time ago that goes like this: “We'd be surprised by the amount of girls that would come home with us, if only we asked them too, even on the first date.” He is right. I am right. So asked her too come. She did come.
She came home and she was all over me. We had a great time but did not go all the way due to her monthly mechanical difficulties. Two nights later she dropped by my place again and this time all the X's in all the keyboards wouldn't describe what went down.
Our common friends told me that she is a very nice and cool girl, and she does not really do that kind of thing (I realized that,too, because she seemed inexperienced at some stuff) and even though it sounds like a cold one night stand, it was a pleasing, fulfilling(emotionally,sexually and intellectually) experience, both nights. She stayed to hang out the mornings after, and I am glad she did. It is turning into something more than sex, and I am welcoming it. She is a dream, and she adores me.
________________________________________________________________________________
After the first night with her, I got no sleep, until 6pm. Later on, I would get the worst nightmare of my life. One that I don't really remember, but it thrilled me -- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before.
I dreamed that some kind of king, or emperor, or god had canceled my experience with her. I don't remember anything other than that I woke up in full sweat right in front of/despite my fully working fan with the most sadness, despair, depression and misery I have ever felt in my entire sleeping and wakeful life. I got up panicked and when I looked in the mirror I looked like I had just killed someone, or as if I had just had a stroke, or as if my entire family was murdered right in front of me. I could not stop crying for ~20 minutes. Crying like a little baby that got lost in the park. I felt an adult lost in life. Everything seemed pointless, vain, black, boring, meaningless, I felt unworthy, not good enough, that I would never really be happy and I could not shake my self out of it. I got dressed and went out. Hopefully, I walked it off and everything went almost back to normal after about 2-3 hours. That same night I didn't sleep very well, but I blasted E2 and the next morning everything was better.
This entire experience was new to me. I've never brought a girl home unless we knew each other for some time. This whole thing was so big that I couldn't process it. Imagine trying to fit an entire watermelon in your mouth, and really pushing it. Imagine pushing it so hard that your jaw breaks and your face becomes mushed potato with ketchup. In this allegory, the watermelon is the experience with the girl, and your mouth and face is my mind. Like that, it shattered, but hopefully it then went back to normal.
The experience triggered the following pattern in me, one I've suffered from for a long time and many times: “find girl, love girl, lose girl”. My brain says “Hey, we found a girl. She seems lovely. IMPENDING DOOM, ABANDON SANITY!”. All kinds of feelings of insecurity, unworthiness and undeservedness were triggered and surfaced in such short time. This turmoil passed, and I feel a victor for pulling through. What an experience. I did not even know my mind could do this, and how it would feel. I have a newly found perspective and empathy for the people suffering from mental illnesses.
….Viva la resistance?
________________________________________________________________________________
The next day after that, I wanted to grab a sandwich so I went to a local fast food joint. While walking in, I ran into a cute young server who has served me several times before so I locked eyes with her and I smile, she says hi, and I kept walking. While I was eating I noticed her looking at me, so I looked back but then I got back to my food. A few seconds later she is bringing me a glass of water. So what? Well, the thing is, I have been eating several times a month there, for the past 4 years and never, I repeat, never have I ever been served a glass of water or even seen someone else being served a glass of water there. I take it the glass of water symbolizes her wetness for the new me?
With that being said, that's what I am giving back to the community here in return for all the stories and advice I have read on here, the good and the bad. I am starting AOSI full-time on July 1st, but I do not even know if this will become a journal, but I had to share.
