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Feb 10, 2015:
Hi guys, I'm currently on stage two of AM 6, and I have kept my own journal outside these forums, but I decided it was high time I start posting here. I'm just going to post chronologically, and will include the date in each post.
edit feb 13, 2015:
I was reading the all is gold glitters thread and I saw personality type mentioned, so I thought I would add mine here.
I've taken the test a few times in my life, and the result has consistently been ENFP. I took it again on Feb 13 to see if it's changed (since the way I'm living life is MUCH different than less than 6 months ago). Turns out, I'm still ENFP.
By the way, I get lots of inspiration from all you guys who also keep journals. I would like to thank maniac360 for recommending me to subs via a different forum.
You can scroll down now.
edit: March 9, 2015
I should probably have added some background information so you know what you're looking at
25 year old east indian male living in Houston, Texas.
Always had a passion for personal development. Currently in situations where I'm around a lot of people every day, so I get to exercise my social growth multiple times each day
Not sure what I'm going to run immediately after THIS RUN of AM6. I will make that decision closer to the end of this run. I've got my eyes on SM3, but am sure I need another run of AM6 or at least a couple months of refresher course before I move on. I also want to do BASE, but I'm 25 so I want to maximize my youthful hormones as much as possible!
Sunday Jan 11, 2015
I started using Alpha Male V 6.0 (5g) Since monday (6 days), and I can definitely feel a difference. I've noticed I walk a little different, and I feel like my voice is getting deeper. I try to listen to the track for at least 12 hours a day, and for the past three days, I've been able to have it playing for around 20 hours a day so that's a pretty good amount of exposure time. I'll usually have it playing while sleeping and throughout the day on my headphones. I need to start using better speakers to do it.
I was inspired to use this checklist by another member of the forum as I was reading his journal to give myself a note of where I feel I'm at now.
An improved on circle of friends manifestation sequence, so that the friends you manifest are genuine, long term friends who will help you for the long haul, instead of stabbing you in the back.
Recently this has been a 4 but before it was 2
Self forgiveness. This is a hard one. I put it at 4
Forgiveness of others without allowing them to walk on you or mistreat you.
currently 7
Letting go of the past.
Currently a 6
Maturity improvement.
Currently a 8
Wisdom enhancement.
Currently 7
Self healing, emotionally and mentally.
Currently 3
Trauma and abuse healing.
Currently 4
Supply your own love, affection and attention.
Currently 3
Overcome any victim mentality you may have when you start the program.
4
Refuse to justify actions that are not moving you forward, or accept that behavior from yourself.
3
Kill excuses and refuse to accept them from yourself or anyone else.
6
Seek the challenge. (Yes, the entire script, which has been heavily modified and optimized from the program that is available in the store.)
N/a
The notorious Optimus Engine 2.0. Aimed strait at making you an Alpha Male!
N/A
Overcoming guilt, shame and fear. (Again, heavily modified and optimized from what is available as a separate program in the store. This was one of the most requested features of the new version, and one of the primary reasons a new version exists. This was worked into every stage of the program, from foundation building to refresher.)
4
Self validation. (This one's BIG!)
3
Maximize rate of growth, healing, self improvement and change.
2
Improved scripting for overcoming procrastination.
N/a
Approaching focus, for making it easier to approach others, especially attractive females.
2
Approval seeking destruction.
3
Self empowerment/self empowering.
4
This morning I got up with zest, which is somewhat out of character for me. Even though I only got 6 hours of sleep due to what happened last night, AND being tired from the lack of sleep, I still felt motivated to jump out of bed, hit my knees, and do my morning stuff. I didn't meditate today, so I feel like I missed out on something important.
Yesterday night was pretty crazy. I heard a bunch of commotion coming from downstairs while I was in my room. I heard D and P yelling constantly. 3 people got kicked out for shooting up heroin at the house
I don't have any problem getting motivated to do work today, although distractions area abound as usual. writing in my journal for one, a game, and reading about subs. I have AM 6.0 playing in my headphones as usual.
I also had a dream that C gave me a beer and I drank it and halfway through drinking it, I realized that I'm sober and I shouldn't be drinking and that "Relapse" didn't count.
Hi there!
Welcome to the forum. AM6 is awesome, I'll be done stage 4 in about a week or so and it's been amazing so far. Great start, keep the hours for each stage total as close as possible, and keep those hours up each day, don't let resistance get you down, and you'll be a new man in 6 months! You may need to repeat right after and that's okay, progress is progress. Don't forget that.
One point though, I find by grading yourself on the actual bulletpoints to be a better gauge than the inclusions in version 6 section. All the bulletpoints below "Specifically, Alpha Male 6 is designed to give any man who uses it the self image, self esteem and self respect of an alpha male, while simultaneously bringing his attitude, thinking, body language, responses and actions around to match. When you have finished using this incredible program, you will:" are golden and what you need to gauge effectiveness. I graded myself on a simple "yes/no" for each before, and will redo it after I'm done at the end of April.
Enjoy the ride, and we'll be here for support for you!
stage 1, day 8
I had a dream that R, B, and I were chilling in the 6 man room. R was laying down on C's bed and was talking about how he led a meeting, and he was very cheerful in the dream which was a huge surprise considering how grumpy he is in waking life
I've been listening to AM 6 for just over a week now, and I'm seeing some positive results in the way I interact with people. My body language is more of a firm presence, and is no longer wimpy like it used to be. When I was in my bosses office, I sat at his desk with my torso on the desk and leaning in toward the computer. usually i would go to his left and squat so i would be below his level, and I didn't realize that I was doing this. Now, I feel like I have more 'dominance'.
My communication with women seems to be better than before. I am more confident in text messages, and I exchanged good conversations with two girls the past two days, something I haven't experienced in quite a while due to my recent years of isolation. I found out today that one of the girls is half Arabic and half Indian. That's awesome! I was called "sweet" by the other girl and when she was talking about moving to another city for her internship, she mentioned "maybe chicago, san fran, miami, NYC, but no houston
". She also invited me up to see her in Chicago. I had met her through Tinder over her winter break, right before I started using the subs
I've been listening to AM 6 stage 1 for approximately 20 hours every day. It is definitely a long time to be listening, so I have to tone it back some. I set up my speakers on both sides of my pillow so I can be exposed all night long, as well as having new headphones (white foldable Sony headphones, purchased 6 days ago) to keep it going throughout the day. Not to mention that I have it playing on my work computer through my work headset as well.
stage 1 day 9
I've noticed that I haven't been posting on facebook lately. It seems to me the reason I would post a lot on facebook was because of attention seeking behavior, which I am clearly not exhibiting right now. I also haven't fapped in 3 days. I have a confident strut in my walk. and I feel like I'm walking with confidence and style, but I still walk fast as usual. Maybe I'm slowing down slightly but I am not sure.
I got asked to sit in on a conversation between a client and our graphic designer to understand and give input on what the client wanted while communicating to the designer. I was able to elicit a good response out of the client and the designer messaged me afterward saying :
V: ugh you are a lifesaver
Sent at 12:22 PM on Wednesday
V: i cant just spew the perfect words like you
I've noticed that I stutter a lot when I talk, but the way I've been communicating the past week has been more extroverted rather than as monotonous as before. I feel like I'm slowly starting to get the charisma that I used to have before I started doing mad drugs.
Getting up on time is very hard though, I feel extremely tired when waking up and I don't feel very rested. I haven't been taking naps so I have been relying on fladrafinil and large amounts of coffee throughout the day to keep me going. The ringing in my ears is pretty loud when I'm not listening to the sub but it's not debilitating. It's noticeable, but it doesn't really affect me although I caught myself trying to find the location of the feedback once today.
Some things I feel a lot of guilt and shame about from the past have been coming up. Yesterday I felt strong embarrassment for my behavior on qatar airways plane going to india. Today I had strong feelings of using stimulants came up, and I prayed it away. I need to keep myself in check, and constantly remind myself that I am an addict & alcoholic and cannot use drugs to cover up my pain. This can be an incredibly vulnerable period for me if I don't keep myself maintained. I figure that AM 6.0 is going to bring up a lot of my past so that I can face it head on and grow from the experiences, thereby overcoming my past. I'm finally starting to notice the "bull shit detection" other people talk about in their journals. Small stuff like what girls posted on their facebook and a room mate walking through the sliding glass doors frustrated me.
It also feels like time is moving a lot more slowly at various parts of the day. Either it has to do with me quitting IOP and just working 9-5, or what but I do notice time is going by slower. Maybe my thoughts are going faster.
stage 1 day 13
I've been really sick since thursday, I can't believe this much time has already passed. I spent the past few days pretty much bed ridden. I slept all through friday and saturday, waking up on Sunday to do my morning stuff, ordered chinese food, I went to a meeting tonight and I did something that was completely out of character for me, which was grab a girl's arm as she was walking past me, and she giggled.
Stage 1 Day 16
Missed a few days of journaling due to my illness. I'm feeling much better than I was last week.
I've been stressed about where I'm going to live from the month of February onwards. Yesterday I made it vocal to my boss that I'm looking for another place to live. When I put that out into the universe, I seemed to have a very quick answer to my desire because my ex texted me later that night asking if I was ready to move into a new place next month. Back in September, she tossed that idea to me, but I never really thought much of it. Anyway, when she asked me, I told her I'm ready but one thing that is uncharacteristic of me is that i expressed all my fears and all the practical things that need to be addressed in terms of the housing situation. Like proximity to work, cost, parking space, etc. She also texted me about how she's thinking of breaking up with her current boyfriend because he's not sober, and I nicely responded back saying not to involve me in that dilemma. I'm still down to room with her, but she needs to figure out the boy thing on her own. I basically put my foot down for the first time. Progress!
Also, negative emotion/memory that came up yesterday that was dealt with was going to my buddy's house to meet a girl who was staying there, and being in her room which used to be my other friend's room who's now in a different city.
Stage 1 Day 22
well i've been using alpha male 6 stage 1 for 22 days now, and i've definitely noticed my thinking pattern is changing. I've documented it in a personal journal, but the jist of it is as follows
-thinking of self growth more often
-decreased need for others' approval; I've found I don't want to post on facebook as much.
-awareness of how my gestures and words can be perceived
-slight change in body language; posture, 'talking with hands'
-last two days I've noticed lower deeper voice
-extremely vivid dreams
-thoughts of what other people think of me has decreased
-less worry about what the future will be like
stage 1 day 26
Yesterday and the day before was very tough for me because I was obsessing over and planning to get high when I had the money. It was so intense that I felt surrendered to that idea. I planned it out to where when I get drug tested, I would admit that I was dirty and that they should save their money, and I'd pack my bags and leave and be homeless. I was planning on living out of my truck which already has a bunch of problems, and was committed to the idea that I'd be on the streets just so I could get high. WHAT CRAZINESS! How can any person's logical mind be so warped and twisted? I just did what was suggested to me by my peers in AA and at the sober house, and I talked about it with as many people as I could to take the power away from the feelings.
I'm pretty sure most of it was due to my addiction being so strong in my life and every inch of my being is resistant to being sober this long. I talked to my sponsor about it, and he confirmed that since this is the longest I've ever been sober, my body is indeed screaming for drugs and alcohol. It's not used to being free from the dependence on substances for 60 days. My subconscious mind and body are resisting the sobriety every way it can. I think this kind of ties in to the AM 6 program as a form of resistance. It was so intense, but I overcame it for the most part. No matter what, I can't give up on myself by reverting to an old, lesser version of myself via drugs and alcohol. I am a stronger person now, and am continuing to grow stronger.
stage 1 day 28
I had a dream last night where I was shooting adderall. I was running around the house trying to find a safe place to do that, but my dad kept following me around. I remember walking around with the needle in my pocket and there was blood in the syringe.
Additional notes of changes in self:
*-less negative self talk
*-gradual increase of comfort in my own skin
*-insane resistance for 2 days where I wanted to get high very bad
*-been fapping again to relieve sexual frustration which is growing
I also saw a girl D at a meeting today, who I've known since November. I caught up a bit with her and she maintained pretty strong eye contact with me. At one point she looked down for a while and I asked her "Who's the lucky guy" because of the ring she was wearing. She was like "are you fucking psychic?" and I think it's because she was thinking about the guy while she was looking down. then i point out the ring, and she said her grandmother gave it to her. I was showing the new guy my favorite part of the big book, page 25 where it starts with "There is a solution" and ends with "rocketed into a 4th dimension of existence", and D mentioned "that is so you [eternitys_child]". I asked why and she said because she saw me post it on facebook once. I played it off like nothing but inside I was really glad she paid that much attention to me, even if it was something very little. I really like D, she's such a great person and exudes a sexy aura about her. I can definitely get lost in her eyes, they are so beautiful. I can't make a move right now because My sponsor made sure to say I shouldn't go out of my way to get into a relationship this early in recovery. Not to mention I have a very low sense of my ability to attract women. But now that I think about it, I'm sure my negative self talk about the subject has a LOT to do with it. I can certainly benefit from thinking of myself as a sexy confident attractive guy. I have bouts of self confidence but I have definitely convinced myself negatively. I'm hoping the subs will help with that, considering how much I've already grown in stage one of AM6
stage 1 Day 30
Lately I've been leading the nightly wrap up meeting at the house. I have been getting asked to read page 86 at night, and yesterday my sponsor asked me to lead the meeting at one of the clubs since there was no chair and no leader. . I've also been taking lead in lots of situations around the house. Today I took it upon myself to wash a lot of the dishes that were in the sink so [the guy on kitchen duty] would have an easier time with his chore. During the meeting tonight, I would share things and say things without feeling like I was putting myself on the spot like I would have before. I think my experience last week with the crazy resistance was preparing me to get to the next level, and I feel like I'm coming very close. After the meeting, a girl G sat across from me and started talking to me while eating dinner. She initiated the conversation by saying "soooo what's up [eternitys_child]" in a way that hinted like I should have started the conversation with her. We chatted for a little bit, and then I went to go wash the dishes like I mentioned above.
I've been ridiculously horny lately. gahh frustration
stage 2 day 2
Last night I had a few dreams that were fairly sensual in nature. The first dream I can remember, I was in Acres Homes, and I was being told about some building with gates on it that looked really old. I got a ticket from the cops for some reason, and I remember being sent to acres homes jail (which doesn't exist in real life). Upon arriving at the jail, two black women were checking everybody before they were admitted into jail. When it was my turn, they started rubbing up on me sensually, as if they were really attracted to me. Next dream I can remember, I was trying to get my truck fixed, and I asked a shop to do a diagnostic. They told me it was $2500 to fix the truck, and I had to pay it to get my truck. I was furious in the dream. That's more than the truck costs. I refused and I got it out. my friend in the dream sent me a text asking if I wanted to get a tattoo so I said yes, but as I was on my way to get him I run into this older white woman who was really happy to see me. I gave her a big hug and reminded her how much she hated me just before she met me. After that, my buddy, myself and some other dude I can't put a face to were trying to find the backroads to the tattoo place and we had to cut through ethernet cords that were blocking the road, as if they were vines from a plant. next I end up waiting in line for something, and I see a black girl who's kind of chunky and she's happy to see me so we hug for a really long time
I also had a dream that my roommate T brought drugs back to the house, and I saw the bag through the box that he had. He had 90 orange OC oxy, 90 football xanax, and 90 of something else. I think I ended up taking one of the oxy's in my dream, and that was my second "Freebie"
(02-10-2015, 11:46 AM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ]Hi there!
Welcome to the forum. AM6 is awesome, I'll be done stage 4 in about a week or so and it's been amazing so far. Great start, keep the hours for each stage total as close as possible, and keep those hours up each day, don't let resistance get you down, and you'll be a new man in 6 months! You may need to repeat right after and that's okay, progress is progress. Don't forget that.
One point though, I find by grading yourself on the actual bulletpoints to be a better gauge than the inclusions in version 6 section. All the bulletpoints below "Specifically, Alpha Male 6 is designed to give any man who uses it the self image, self esteem and self respect of an alpha male, while simultaneously bringing his attitude, thinking, body language, responses and actions around to match. When you have finished using this incredible program, you will:" are golden and what you need to gauge effectiveness. I graded myself on a simple "yes/no" for each before, and will redo it after I'm done at the end of April.
Enjoy the ride, and we'll be here for support for you!
Hi CatMan, thanks for your welcome. Good to know you're also on the AM6 journey as well.
I almost wish I could have had more time on stage one, now that I'm on 2. There was a lot of stuff from my past that was brought up into my conscious mind, and I'm sure there's way more so as of this writing I can tell I'll probably be doing a re run.
Stage 2 Day 5
I'm starting to experience what they are calling "no bullshit tolerance". I noticed it beginning to take effect during stage one, but now it's very pronounced. If anyone is even remotely wasting any part of my time by inconveniencing me, it bugs the shit out of me to the point I feel like I'm going crazy in my head. I have to level my pride a little bit, and acknowledge that the world doesn't revolve around me, and that I can easily build up a resentment to that shit if I let it.
For example, T was complaining yesterday how people were dipping in the sink that isn't supposed to be used, and it pissed me off because he doesn't even clean the whole bathroom as it is, and he has the nerve to complain about dipping in the sink. Another example is at work where J was asking questions that he shouldn't need to be asking. Like, he should already know that shit. It seemed like he just asked it to bullshit with me. Ki at the house was also doing this, and he'd get my attention for STUPID things that I really didn't need to pay attention to him about. Like repeating "Hey [eternitys_child], I'll get off work tomorrow at 6." and then he'll call my name later, tell me the same damn thing, and I'm sitting there like wtf you told me this already, we've been through this. It seems like very beta behavior the way people are constantly seeking my attention.
I guess I am getting what I asked for in terms of being more popular lol. I don't know when the manifestation of circle of friends sequence is supposed to kick in, but I think it might have already started. I feel a stronger connection with the people I'm around today, compared with a week or 2 weeks ago.
But then I talked to my sponsor about it, and he brought up a very good point. People look up to me at my house because of how I'm working my program. I am "the face of recovery" to them, so people are inclined to follow me in the pursuit of recovery.
So in summary (tl;dr):
-I'm getting annoyed very easily
-I have no problem calling someone out on something when the situation presents itself, without fear of how I will be judged
-Starting to feel a stronger connection with the people in my immediate presence. Wondering if the subs manifested particular people to move into my house to replace the guys who got kicked out.
-overall positive minded thinking
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