How can I best tell you my story?
Alright...
Once, there was a shady time.. procrastinating times where I had no sense of purpose and just floated along with whatever the world was doing to me. Sometimes when the world presented me something that could be great, I didn't take it because what the hell.. there was no meaning really...
The world was testing me again and again but I let them bypass without a second thought. If I did have a second thought, vagueness was all over them. I wanted things but without having experienced the things that my mind was fixated on, I tend to become needy in some sort of way. I want something, I don't get it, I am not satisfied
...
Then I met these guys over the years.. guys who were "busy", guys whose minds were always fixed and aware of whatever they wanted. They wanted nothing from me but they invited me to wherever they were going. I loved these guys and I've met some of them in the MOST fated way that I've come to believe that many things happens for a reason...
Even though I knew very little about them and they knew very little about me, I took notice of how the people they were hanging with loved them and even myself just after a short amount of time after meeting them.
Some people call it pride, confidence, others call it ambitious but I realize it is really self-love. There is the external world and there is you. The external world is a mirror. Essentially it reveals who you really are.
Would you ever be needy to yourself, complain to yourself? Would you ever do or think something bad of yourself that it hurts emotionally? Would you let yourself be judged by yourself?
The KEY to my learnings is AWARENESS. It is by paying attention and being an observer on the one side, and on the other side is doing and thinking outside of the box, that has guided me to who I am today.
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I've been fighting this ever since I forgot how I was as a carefree child... Consciously? Some years ago...
And then... it gets monitored.. I am walking around a bar, talking and having fun with guys and girls, without seeking for anything but playing and qualifying.. Whispers, eyes and smiles directed towards me. People asks me why I don't have a gf. If I am gay
Next night you are hanging with your buddy and two of his co-workers. A girl and a guy. Playing pool, drinking free beer, just having fun. Next thing you know you are standing there in a graveyard, 3 in the morning. The girl just happens to stand beside you. You grab her hand. She takes it, not sure. She goes to the others. She comes back. You don't hear anything she says.. like yeah... it's a nice night.. if you really want my attention, show me that you want it but.. yeah.. it's a nice night
