Subliminal Talk

Day 179,

Here's my review of EHPRA, and I might need to expand on this tomorrow morning.
I've felt the feelings of bloom since I've stopped on day 175. I might go an extra 5 days beyond day 180 and start OGSF; we'll see.

What can I say? Wow. There's something extremely freeing about this subliminal; I'm uncertain whether this would have happened back when the free 5G version was available, but I'm kicking myself for focusing so hard on the external things and avoiding the honest introspection.

I've lost a certain cynicism and bitterness that I've carried around for most of my adult life; this is HUGE!
I've lost that tit-for-tat pettiness that I could feel in myself when someone I disliked - and sometimes it could just be a woman with a little extra sass - pipped up.
I have very intense swirls of sensation and sentimentality around my chest.

Interpersonally, I think that this helps a lot.
I'm not trapped in a certain conversational box; trying to follow a certain script or role, and it makes me fluid (like the Bruce Lee quote: be water) and able to riff and relate to people.
I've lost a lot of judgment and I can just relate with a person, even if their background is messed up and hazy.

Trauma? I think I've had a bunch, and I think that this program has healed a bunch.

I'm cluing in to just how small I'm playing the game of life.
That I've leaned toward cutting things away and retreating from life's difficulties.

I wrote this down today:
* Commit yourself to the Biggest, Fullest Life Possible
* Commit yourself to your Fullest Enjoyment of Life
* Commit yourself to constant winning

I believe that I have shame and guilt toward money, making money, convincing people to give me money, and having some debt and no independent income.
I looked at my bank statement, and though the numbers look alright, my chequing account is getting smaller, and my credit balances are going up; two years ago, I took a job at a pay cut to start a new career, and it's starting to be felt a little. Thankfully, I have decent investments.
With OGSF, I hope to clear as much of those hangups around money and relationships.

I believe that I used to power through any fear of approaching women due to being so motivated to try to get with them to settle some internal score; that I used to be an ugly duckling back in high school, so I figured that I'd rack up a body count to prove to myself that it wasn't me anymore; at least, that's the probable reason.

Now, I believe that this issue is largely resolved, so now I might have a desire to approach a woman, but I don't do it anymore because I'm actually embarrassed of her judgment of me, and the negative feelings of rejection (that I used to brush off)

So now, progress feels like a step back, but these is a path forward.

Day 180,

I have more to say.

In the past month, I've been able to considerably reduce the amount of coffee that I'm drinking; I believe that too much regular coffee drinking leads to chest pressure and lots of peeing. It's probably not incredibly healthy to drink the amount that I've been drinking these past 7 months since I've gotten a real coffee machine.

I turned down an opportunity to have sex the other day, but it would have been under strange circumstances.

My earphones broke a few weeks ago, and I've stopped go everywhere and anywhere with them in my ears

I also find that I'm sleeping more flatly; as in, I don't linger in bed when it's time to wake up. Perhaps I'm not dreading the day.
And this has also led to sleeping 6.5 hours and still getting up feeling fine, even without coffee.

Nice results man!

Day 183,

I'll probably get started with OGSF tonight