Day 56,
I'm starting to get the feeling that a LOT of my internal motivation has been related to disfunction (shame, guilt, fear, sticking it to someone).
Don't want to do much with friends. Don't want to grind super hard with my instruments.
Also no desire to build up any new interests from the ground up, as I used to do.
Started to lose that interest with my extra-curricular coding/tech things.
It's not depression or malaise, but a certain balls-to-the-wall motivation that used to be there is no longer there.
(It doesn't help that I am fighting a minor cold)
Gives me the sense that I will need to run the latest version of Ultra Success to create positive motivations inside of me.
Day 67,
Having issues with my regulatory college and their contradictory feedback to my SMART goal. It matters enough to them that not meeting their deadline means a suspension.
I did submit it on time (so that's not the issue), but I did not see their email from late February, blending in with their other emails about elections and their committees. I only got a phone call reminder yesterday; I got back to them quickly and I have until tomorrow to send a revision/
I don't work in the field, so I didn't have the motivation to do a ton of professional development work, but it fueled a fire under my haunches. I'm reading the books I pledged to read.
I wrote feedback to their feedback, and how meeting that feedback involves a major contradiction, barring a misunderstanding of the terms they've used (and I reviewed those terms many times). And their criteria - as worded - is impossible to meet for a non-practicing practitioner (being non-practicing is not against the rules, but it's more difficult to demonstrate an improvement in your learning, because you don't apply it day-to-day).
I'm going to revamp my goal to be as stellar as possible; getting that done tonight.
Had a very strange dream last night, where I was back to being a 12-15 year old boy on a school field trip with classmates; we went to this dock/pier, and it was later at night. Buses full of terrorists rolled up and rounded up our classmates, executing us assassination style. I work my way out of a situation, slip away and get to safety. I don't know what happened afterward, but I didn't have the instinct to get help; only to save myself. When I woke up, I realize how foolish that was, and that I was thinking selfishly, and that my thinking would lead to needless deaths among my friends. Even so, it's weren't my fault that these dream-world terrorists were killing us!
Woke up very drowsy and tired, having to fight to get out of bed and not fall back asleep, after enough sleep.
Day 73,
I'm starting to surrender to my inner workings; it wants to lay off the gas pedal.
There's nothing definite in the GPS at the moment, either. I'm getting frustrated that I haven't gotten 'there' what I don't know what 'there' is, and that I don't really want to.
I'm qualified for a better-paying job, but there's nothing within me that's trying for it.
Day 79,
I'm currently halfway through a 72-hour water fast, for basic health reasons and a bit of a reset; this is not medical advice, though plenty of people fast for personal or spiritual reasons.
It's interesting to know that your human limits are greater than you think they are; a lot of my interest in food is psychological and habit-based.
I know that we need to eat, but after an initial adjustment, your body adapts and you have a very muted buzz of hunger; quite manageable.
Yesterday after work, I kept busy and started some basic planting. Wrote over 2000 words for a potential book.
The period of time I associated with eating became one of "doing a bunch of stuff".
It's cool to know that - at least in this respect - I am in the company of hunters from days old, who probably had spans of no food while out chasing their prey. Not somebody so domesticated that they "need" to put food in their belly every 6-12 hours.
Day 80,
I'm at hour 62 of my fast. I will be breaking it at around 5 PM, which will make it 68-69 hours or so.
I'll be doing an athletic hobby at hour 70-71, hence why I'm cutting the fast a little short. (short from 72)
Still a very valuable learning experience, where there's a balancing act of "listening to your body".
My body was filled with mental cravings, urging me to eat this or eat that, which I ignored to make it so far.
At the same time, my body occasionally got a bit uncoordinated, which informed me that I should re-up on my potassium and magnesium supplements.