There are many things I’d like to talk about. Hopefully I remember them all!
I’m realizing I’ve been living in this “fantasy world” that is not quite accurate to reality. I have a subjective reality I project onto reality that is not entirely accurate. It has its uses, but the map is not the territory. The map should be a guide for reality not a substitute.
I’m constantly coping instead of thriving. I self protect and avoid losing instead of pushing for wins. I also shrink away from a lot of proactive action due to pain.
I’m in a lot of pain even though I’ve come so far. It’s not really as debilitating, but it is still hindering me from being as effective as a person as I’d like. My desires are starting to wake up and I hate that I’m not living the life that I want. Funny that not long ago I was constantly bed ridden with emotional pain and just hoping to not be having constant panic attacks. Now I’m worried about how I’m gonna achieve an awesome life!
My brain lately has been working on some deep childhood issues. Not just as simple as calling it gsf or trauma. I also seem to be doing stuff like giving my inner self certain needs.
All my desires come back to a few root things that need tackled. First I need to deal with the roots by healing, then focus on money. But yeah, after I finish my full run of OGSF2 I’ll go from there.
P.S just wanna say for anyone reading this, that OGSF2 is an awesome program. You don’t run OGSF2 because it feels good. You run it to do the hard work of healing yourself. That is what it’s doing right now for me, even if the process isn’t always fun or enjoyable. It’s like exercise. Do hard thing now, get good thing later. Basically don’t judge OGSF2 by how brutal/hard it sounds from all the journals. The results are what you’re after.
Last night was hard. Ever since a family member died when I was young I’ve carried this heavy and overwhelming sadness/loss. Now and then it resurfaces like it did last night. I find that just sitting with it helps. I feel like I gain something from it by observing it without trying to change it. It’s almost a form of respect.
I feel a lot better today.
I understand it better now
So things come up it feels bad but that's how they heal
Congratulations on the progress
Woke up in the middle of the night to excruciating gut pain. I tried peptobismal but it didn’t help. I got the intuition that it was caused by me dealing with something on OGSF2. I was on my last break day and I guessed that I must’ve been dealing with some painful stuff, but the shield from OGSF2 must’ve faded. After booting up OGSF2 it helped a lot. It didn’t go away completely but I was able to go back to sleep.
I woke up a few more times but it wasn’t as bad, except for 1 time when I had to throw up so bad it reminded me when I was a young child and would have these throw up sessions in the middle of the night that were extremely painful. I don’t remember why I had these sessions, but they eventually just went away when I got older. My guess is that they were reactivated by whatever I’m dealing with and they must’ve been trauma based. Luckily I didn’t end up throwing up, but I almost did and it was awful, but then after the first dry heave it was almost like it slowly receded and I just went back to sleep.
I think I’m dealing with some severe early childhood trauma. As an early child I had multiple severely traumatizing experiences. I guess this is why I started experiencing the nausea since LTU6 anwhile back. Also can’t forget the gastrointestinal issues that have come up since OGSF1 (or maybe even OF… can’t remember) as well.
On a sidenote, I’ve been making steady progress. It’s mostly stuff involving the basic structure of who I am, my character, boundaries, stuff like that. I’m sure there were other good changes I’m not remembering now…
(03-14-2024, 12:15 PM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]Woke up in the middle of the night to excruciating gut pain. I tried peptobismal but it didn’t help. I got the intuition that it was caused by me dealing with something on OGSF2. I was on my last break day and I guessed that I must’ve been dealing with some painful stuff, but the shield from OGSF2 must’ve faded. After booting up OGSF2 it helped a lot. It didn’t go away completely but I was able to go back to sleep.
I woke up a few more times but it wasn’t as bad, except for 1 time when I had to throw up so bad it reminded me when I was a young child and would have these throw up sessions in the middle of the night that were extremely painful. I don’t remember why I had these sessions, but they eventually just went away when I got older. My guess is that they were reactivated by whatever I’m dealing with and they must’ve been trauma based. Luckily I didn’t end up throwing up, but I almost did and it was awful, but then after the first dry heave it was almost like it slowly receded and I just went back to sleep.
I think I’m dealing with some severe early childhood trauma. As an early child I had multiple severely traumatizing experiences. I guess this is why I started experiencing the nausea since LTU6 anwhile back. Also can’t forget the gastrointestinal issues that have come up since OGSF1 (or maybe even OF… can’t remember) as well.
On a sidenote, I’ve been making steady progress. It’s mostly stuff involving the basic structure of who I am, my character, boundaries, stuff like that. I’m sure there were other good changes I’m not remembering now…
Oh wow that's intense!
Feel better soon
Yeah it’s painful but I’m hoping I’m digging into the bedrock of my problems cause I’m tired of being in pain and not being the person I want to be.
My OGSF2 results aren’t just removal of negative things, I’m experiencing positive results. I seem to be getting my deep parental needs met. I’m experiencing love. I’ve also been having spiritual experiences here and there that seem very understated. I bet the natural state for someone after OGSF2 is finished is similar to enlightenment. When you don’t have fear limiting your identity all thats left is to float up to your natural state.
I don’t think I’m that far from my goal of making a money sub easy to run. Maybe I’ll need another 6 months of something like EPHRA after this run, but we’ll see. OGSF2 is so powerful that another 2 months might be all that is needed. We shall see.
Wow sounds good
Can you elaborate about the happiness or good experiences that you feel?
@
Topaz Just starting to experience some parts of myself that I haven’t had access to due to trauma. Feeling more comfortable in my skin. Enjoying things more. Clearer head. Lot of subtle things I’m sure I don’t notice.
Also I’d like to add to my post that it’s not all roses. The program is pretty brutal but it feels like it’s not just pain but I’m seeing some of the results. That’s essentially what I wanted to say.
I just woke up and one of my waking thoughts were “Everything is sufficient, not just how it relates to something else, but as it is”. I also think that how I perceive something is a reflection of myself. So if I’m starting to think “Everything is sufficient”, then that means that I feel like I am sufficient. Not just because “Everything is sufficient”, but because I only believe and experience what I am. For example someone who genuinely loves others also loves themselves. Or if someone believe others deserve better, because they believe that they deserve better.
I’m switching from seeing the downside in everything and how it might hurt me, to seeing the opportunity and how it might be an enjoyable or positive experience. I feel like I’m coming out of a long and painful dream and if everyone was experiencing as much pain as I was I don’t understand how anyone can live a life like that.
(04-09-2024, 12:11 PM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]I’m switching from seeing the downside in everything and how it might hurt me, to seeing the opportunity and how it might be an enjoyable or positive experience. I feel like I’m coming out of a long and painful dream and if everyone was experiencing as much pain as I was I don’t understand how anyone can live a life like that.
Hahaha here we go!
That's amazing!
I’ve come a long way, but I’m still frustrated. In social situations I feel too needy, too stifled. I don’t feel like I can steer things in a positive win win most of the time and I feel like the only power I have when I get triggered is to walk away or stop talking. Sure I feel less pain and more free than before, but there’s a huge difference between neutrality and amazingness. I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I want things to be fucking awesome.
(04-09-2024, 07:05 PM)Topaz Wrote: [ -> ] (04-09-2024, 12:11 PM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]I’m switching from seeing the downside in everything and how it might hurt me, to seeing the opportunity and how it might be an enjoyable or positive experience. I feel like I’m coming out of a long and painful dream and if everyone was experiencing as much pain as I was I don’t understand how anyone can live a life like that.
Hahaha here we go!
That's amazing!
Thanks! This progress has been hard earned. I’ve gone through a lot to get to where I am now.