One of the big things that helps me go through setbacks and such without getting depressed is understanding that there is no failure if you refuse to stop trying. Just learn from this miss, and adjust to take that new knowledge of what not to do to achieve your goals into account. Also, you may have goals that are too big by themselves. Learn to break big goals down into smaller and smaller steps until they're relatively easy to achieve individually.
Thanks, better adjust than continue wih the same ways.
Since using USLM i realised the root of most of my problems, that is the trauma that prevents me from getting what i want (never thought the motivation i felt before trying something only to banish after a couple of hours without doing anything at all would be a defense mechanism to repress the traumatic emotions)
I also know more about my urge to be free, since childhood i was always coerced to obey others (because not doing it would result in me being scolded or something that i perceive as a threat so better keep my head down and obey) but that destroyed my freedom and since then i get the freeze response whenever i want something of my own (it appears i perceive stress as life threatening so no matter what kind of motivation i have i'm just unable to get myself do something, i just don't do it even if i want to without even feeling fear or something) but back on topic what i want is to be free from other people (even when no one is around those beliefs of submission remain) that also explain why i got so angry when someone tells me what to do (for that and for being unable to decline at the time, that might as well explain my hate for people specifically women)
Honestly i don't mind to isolate myself for the rest of my life since i'm very detached from people but at the very least i want to get rid of those submissive beliefs and don't give a damn about what others want from me or trying to please others, i'm sick of it but the wound remains open and i don't know if OGSF can deal with that, maybe wait until E6 is released.
Currently trying to search for something more interesting to do with my life, looks like i'm not the shut in type of person i thought i was but also search for alternatives no one dares to involve with (nothing illegal of course), it's just i'm getting sick of my entire life unfolding behind a screen and i kind of like the weird stuff so let's try something new, still, i need to get rid of the trauma so i won't be dying from the symptoms.
Perhaps the process is much more smoother than i realise, it just hit me how my life become because of the control system, becoming submissive is one thing but that came from the very core of how society works, even my parents had dreams and had them destroyed by prejudice and other kinds of beliefs leading to discourage, you should profit with something realistic, only men can do certain stuff, attending school will make life easier, nothing but half truths and lies. i have done all that and what's the result? i became unable to lead my life, involve myself in stuff i don't give a damn about, obey without doubt or because i don't have other choice, nothing but truth will make me free huh...
I'm starting to see where the success is leading me, to break free from my slavery condition, it's not like i was oblivious of it but most likely my hope and dreams were crushed the more i grow up eventually turning myself into a slave but eventhough i noticed i was unable to do a thing (most likely because of beliefs and the same trauma) sounds like i was doomed to turn into a zombie and yes, thanks to my depression, trauma, beliefs, brainwash and their effects i'm already kind of a zombie but lately i seem to be recovering my former hope and dreams, i'm still not in a condition to try and do the deed but every day my conviction to change my life grows more and more, i already betrayed myself once but it won't happen again.
I need to write this somewhere so i can remind it later if i ever forget. I seriously need to put my mind to work again, since learning at school and the conditioning was such a pain i rather don't learn anything but now i'm having a hard time to put my mind to work, a shame i can't use MLS just yet.
What i just learned was that i need to get discipline and self control, if i always get down and depressed because of the stuff i dislike so later i just log in social networks so i can relieve (in theory) my stress and calm my nerves watching useless videos or porn or anime or whatever i won't be having what i need to get the freedom i want. Now i just wait two more weeks to abandon that worthless stuff i loathe so much to get my 100% back or that's the plan.
Next step is find whatever means i need to obtain so i can stray from the slavery path and that means getting rid of my trauma and limited beliefs, get out of my house to get a better undestanding of whatever i'm searching, interact with people and so. Also having time for doing nothing and get my mind clear. Not very specific since this is the first time getting out of the cage but is better than nothing, finding the truth is more complex that it seems (for me)
I feel like a new man after releasing my emotions even if that mean physical pain, seriously i need to work on this stuff but it feels so good to release all my anger it's like nothing can stop me.
I have made some improvements, i don't like to admit it but i fear my father who knows why, kind of never try to get him on the bad side eventhough i also show him my bad side (i don't know if it's something like male fighting another male) i just fear to get to that point but don't hesitate to fight back. A few days ago almost got to that point because of contrary points of view, he's the type to try to impose his ideals on others and i get mad when someone try to do that to me so almost got into a fight but the anger didn't left me that day, then the next day i had a bad headache (i know is because of anger) and start questioning me why i get so mad, maybe because i want to live being true to myself or because living by someone else rules proved to be nasty but since i had to obey as a child then i had no other choise so now i'm shifting that control of my life to me even more than before, the child no longer has to obey someone else nor care about others trying to have control over me.
Lately i'm focusing on improve my self image to match the best version of myself, no more distracting myself with thinking of external situations or people, i need to convince myself of my greatness.
Looks like i still was trapped on the victim mentality or more likely i was feeling trapped, no matter how much i tried to focus on myself i still felt a heavy burden and that was the single concern of external reality that pushed me over the cliff, what's done is done but that doesn't mean i have to live with that burden if i still have a choice, that also means i don't need to pay heed to minor details, if i want something i try to get it, end of history.
I haven't gotten angry with failures lately, is a shame and all but i just don't feel anger, instead i look for ways to improve so i won't repeat it.
Looks like luck is also kicking in, while it seems not the best way to put this, there is this gacha game i like so much and kind of became addict (because i truly enjoy it and keeps my mind working) so if anyone knows how this games work they basically release new characters every two weeks and so the last weeks my luck for getting this characters is increasing, to put an example, before USLM i had to pull almost 40-100 times to get something (also note the super rare charaters have or 2% or 50% or 70% chances to appear but also the number of other characters is insane, more than 200 maybe, so the chances to pick a super rare one which represents almost 1/3 out of all the others is kind of low) and it will be only one out of those 40-100, after one month not only the chances improved to 10-60 but also i've been getting more than one in repeated pulls, for example getting a rare one in the 30-40 pulls and then getting another in the next 10 pulls and so, it happened more than one time which is pretty rare on itself i just kind of know i will get something and then happens.
Since when my life turned like this? digging some stuff of the past made me remember old fears, how i screwed many things in my life out of fear, how i deceived and abandoned myself and now those tragedies seems like an old dream but that is not going to change the consequences nor my depression nor the time i wasted, honestly i'm very thankful for IML subliminals, without them maybe i would have ended in a psychiatric hospital since i remember how my fears were getting worse to the point of potentially getting a serious mental illness or having severe physical consequences. Then how i can change my life? am i already screwed up without repair? is this a reaction from my subconscious to the sub? honestly i have no idea.
I understand now, what i seek is something like spiritual an emotional fulfillment, something that has a purpose and is worthy as well as getting rid of attachments and dependence, just a few moments ago i got very angry about a mistake, i was angry at me for repeating it and this time the anger didn't left, the more i remembered the mistake the more i feel more anger and some sadness within myself, then i detach or try to do it and inmediately my mood improved but i still get angry when i remember it, my head is hurting from the anger and can't get that thought out of my mind, looks like breaking my hand isn't enough to quell the anger, i also need to stop hurting myself and stop insulting me. eventhough my mind understand it my emotions are not better than a child tantrum.
Looks like the fearful part of me is trying to return, compulsive thoughts come through my mind and now it even cause me physical pain, maybe the stomach or the neck or the throat but that only happen occasionally, as for the compulsive thoughts those are more likely to be about something going wrong, this time is not about killing myself fortunately.
Actually if i recall past experiences most of those compulsive thoughts are about failures or something that could happen and lead me to failure (death is one of those as well, of course is different from thinking i'm about to die just because the fearful part is resisting) and if i trace more of those experiences i get to remember situations when i was expecting something very excited until something occurred and ruined it, those experiences repeated again and again until at some point i was just expecting to fail or something going wrong, if that's how my subcoscious operates then is no wonder why i keep failing and giving up before starting.