Subliminal Talk

It is me again.

07/20 to one week later/2022

So far TID from OFv4 can be resumed on anxiety attacks that most likely made me pass out, because of that I caused a scene and had to attend the hospital, there I learned I have epilepsy for at least five years and now I need meds for that (doesn't even surprise me knowing I have been living in anxiety since forever), even so I still have anxiety symptoms as mentioned before apart from the most common like feeling is hard to breathe, tiredness, dizziness but this time the most it last is just one hour, very impressive. Also, it just happens when I feel stressed.

08/01/2022

I hate life itself, get pissed off whenever someone talks to me. Each day I’m starting to care less about pretty much everything, I don’t feel like doing it so I don’t do it, you want me to team up with someone… fuck off I don’t even want to be here, why should I care? I’m leaving, I will deal with the consequences later.
A couple of days later I was having compulsive thoughts about dying, after that I felt it was very hard to breathe and I was getting dizzy, then the next day I swore to myself never let them run wild again or maybe it will happen again.

08/07/2022

It´s been a couple of days now since I started feeling like hating everything, getting anger just because someone talk to me, and treating everyone like shit, today I happen to be more calm then I found a video about how solitude can harm one´s life, if I come all the way back to when supposedly epilepsy began then I found myself all alone, before that I hang out with friends and everything but then it was just myself, I can say for sure I have been alone for at least four years, you know how human beings need a group in order to survive, even if society is pretty far away from those times the survival mechanisms are still functioning on the background, I believe these same mechanisms trigger anxiety in response to loneliness giving hypervigilance as a result (also causing physical pain which trigger anxiety attacks), and epilepsy can be related to excessive brain activity (I suspect of other things as well), does that ring a bell? In the end probably I was just afraid of being alone but even now I see no issue whatsoever, when I learn this, I just feel calmed. Also, I have noticed even more how I shrink the muscles of my right ear when I’m stressed.

Each day off my subconscious tries to trigger an anxiety attack, that’s interesting to say the least and so far I care less about the physical pain it causes me.

08/20/2022

One month has passed, I have to say OFv4 is a beast able to deal with resistance quite much strong, still, it seems I’m pretty much screwed up as well, since Monday I started going out again and guess what, I was getting so fucking dizzy because of stress (not as strong as with OFv3 anyway, quite easy to handle) now the main issue is resistance triggering tiredness harnessing the fact that my body gets tired when hungry and after eating something gets even more tired for some reason (including some pain around the chest), also it seems my body digest food faster than before, tiredness is a pain, then today I woke up and my body started shivering along with some pain around the chest and then triggering pain at the left arm when stressed, I know pretty well I’m not going to die, just an illusion for triggering more fear, I still have compulsive thoughts but in some way is like I’m disconnecting from them, labeling them as unreal or fantasy, so far so good, I didn’t expect to get over with my fears in one month so this is getting interesting.

It seems people are more attracted to me than before, maybe they’re trying to mimic the overcome fear part they can perceive, and me being such an asshole since fear no longer represses my intentions even if it is negative (not harming them of course, is just I’m kind of a bit unsociable and kind of hate myself and most of humanity).
For some reason I want to know what is real and not even more than before, I’m not the optimistic type so I don’t believe at all such things society says regarding happiness as a way of life, is like I’m letting the shadow show itself to express to the world the things most people ignore or hate or fear or whatever, in that sense I’m an asshole. Just a depressing guy.

For more information I started with hybrid, 2 loops, then moved to ultrasonic, 4 loops, and back to hybrid since it appears I deal better with resistance with it.

That's it.

Thanks for the update.  Glad things are starting to look up!  Hope the progress continues like this for you.  

What you're describing is a serious fight with your fearful subconscious doing everything it can think of to avoid dealing with it's fears. This will fail, and over time, you'll make progress. Tiredness comes from the cooperative parts contradicting the efforts of the non-cooperative parts, and the asshole coming out is the result of you undergoing major changes to yourself down to your core. You are making adjustments that are unbinding you and you have to learn how to deal with these changes. It's a process we see during major transformations which basically require that you re-calibrate yourself as to how to deal with your world. It's a process, and it takes time, but by the sounds of it, it's having a very big impact on you. Keep going!

(08-23-2022, 10:39 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What you're describing is a serious fight with your fearful subconscious doing everything it can think of to avoid dealing with it's fears.  This will fail, and over time, you'll make progress.  Tiredness comes from the cooperative parts contradicting the efforts of the non-cooperative parts, and the asshole coming out is the result of you undergoing major changes to yourself down to your core.  You are making adjustments that are unbinding you and you have to learn how to deal with these changes.  It's a process we see during major transformations which basically require that you re-calibrate yourself as to how to deal with your world.  It's a process, and it takes time, but by the sounds of it, it's having a very big impact on you.  Keep going!

With world you mean how I perceive the world including my own life? or my inner beliefs? 

Yesterday I happen to involve myself with other people, I couldn't say shit, that's how it went but didn't get fearful, later just one hour after falling asleep I woke up feeling sick, dizzy, with nasal congestion, fever and tired. This morning I was fine, also a couple days ago I woke up with sore throat, for being such a strong fear the symptoms didn't last that long.

(08-24-2022, 11:12 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]

(08-23-2022, 10:39 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What you're describing is a serious fight with your fearful subconscious doing everything it can think of to avoid dealing with it's fears.  This will fail, and over time, you'll make progress.  Tiredness comes from the cooperative parts contradicting the efforts of the non-cooperative parts, and the asshole coming out is the result of you undergoing major changes to yourself down to your core.  You are making adjustments that are unbinding you and you have to learn how to deal with these changes.  It's a process we see during major transformations which basically require that you re-calibrate yourself as to how to deal with your world.  It's a process, and it takes time, but by the sounds of it, it's having a very big impact on you.  Keep going!

With world you mean how I perceive the world including my own life? or my inner beliefs? 

Yesterday I happen to involve myself with other people, I couldn't say shit, that's how it went but didn't get fearful, later just one hour after falling asleep I woke up feeling sick, dizzy, with nasal congestion, fever and tired. This morning I was fine, also a couple days ago I woke up with sore throat, for being such a strong fear the symptoms didn't last that long.

I mean everything that you have created as an understanding of the world around you and how to interact with, deal with and respond to it.

This level of change and adjustment can result in some really interesting responses from the subconscious as it works its way through not only the detox of itself, but through the fears, and the fears of letting go of the fears.  I find that my subconscious commonly tries to convince me that I'm coming down with a sore throat when it wants me to stop using a program that really scares it, so now instead if switching to MIR I just use immune support like Airborne and Mesosilver.  If I genuinely am sick, then I'll know it and maybe (MAYBE) I will then switch to MIR.  But otherwise, forget it, I am not going to let up.

Time for a little update, it's been a few days now since my true self is showing up (or at least the parts of myself I didn't show because of fear) I no longer attach myself with what other people want from me, If people doesn't like how I do things or just break the rules and be myself then is not my problem, the one who decides how I live is myself and I don't care if people throw me shit, but most important I no longer throw shit to myself for breaking the rules, I make my own rules from now on.

This is so funny I'm laughing internally.

External validation is what triggers most of my social phobia, lack of self esteem, unable to self validate myself or rather fear the external validation. The funny part is how my subconscious conceal the fact with random or well made arguments to distract me but I just couldn't stop thinking there was an issue with self validation, is funny because that's the same tactic I use to avoid people to get something from me, now, I may have become conscious of the main issue but that doesn't mean is over, let's see how my defense mechanism behaves. maybe the freedom I was looking for was just self validation instead of letting others to decide my value.

It seems I hit some major fear, the nasal congestion was pretty bad yesterday and for some reason my body gets tired, also kind of dizzy and tired buy yesterday it was as if I could pass out with just staying awake or walking, it seems ASR is no good in this case so I use OF to calm down, after one hour I was fine but still, the congestion comes and goes along with my tiredness (not that I have been sleeping that well though), not even tinnitus came in this time, I really need some rest.

Almost passed out yesterday in a public place, I'm starting to wonder if my stomach has to do something with it, sometimes the pain of my chest is the result of my stomach doing something or maybe pushing itself so much, and the timing of the last times I felt that way were almost the same (eating time), maybe the fear use it as a trigger, I know is fear based because it doesn't happen every day and yesterday my compulsive thoughts were annoying, I was angry as well for no reason and then this, today I woke up with headache for no reason as well, the worst thing is that i couldn't use ASR because of poor signal.

I have to say the feeling didn't make pass out eventhough it was strong enough to do it, seems like progress.

One year has passed, I remember this day pretty well, one year ago i was freaking out because of a sound i was listening on my right ear and it didn't come from the outside, that's right, this is my tinnitus anniversary, and now the sound is not as bad as before but i still listen it at times, i have to thanks UH for that, if a V2 is released i will buy it without second thoughts, until then let's see how OFv4 performs.

(10-15-2022, 09:29 PM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]One year has passed, I remember this day pretty well, one year ago i was freaking out because of a sound i was listening on my right ear and it didn't come from the outside, that's right, this is my tinnitus anniversary, and now the sound is not as bad as before but i still listen it at times, i have to thanks UH for that, if a V2 is released i will buy it without second thoughts, until then let's see how OFv4 performs.

when you said "still listen it at times" did you mean the tinnitus is still there at times? Also, how much did UH reduce your tinnitus? And, what caused your tinnitus to happen? Loud music/noise exposure?

For the cause I cannot know for sure but most likely it has something to do with OFv3, so is related to anxiety or some unknown disorder that's related to anxiety (my only proof is that when i got sick my body prioritise getting rid of the illness so tinnitus disappears during that time). at the beggining the noise was so annoying at night I couldn't focus on relaxing or sleep, now is so quiet that I only hear some little beep when is loud or just ignore it, and yes, tinnitus comes and goes at different times and different volumes but the loudest is not annoying anymore.

Possibly the last thing regarding OFv4, after being emotionally in the damn shit for weeks it finally seems a major change has been achieved, which seems strange to me since I thought it was due to low self esteem, some inferiority complex and my hatred for humanity, apparently I no longer feel less worthy nor do i care (this is funny because just yesterday I was doing something from college which I don't want to do but was trying to force myself to do it, resulting in tiredness, procrastination, suffering. After that I simply remembered that I am not there for pleasure nor do I have the obligation to do it nor are the benefits at the cost of my suffering worth it, so I discarded it, curious, apparently it is due to perfectionism or a type of fear of failure or because I was afraid of giving more importance to my emotional needs than that of others, just today I woke up with fatigue and at times it seemed that I lacked oxygen), but finally I am letting go of the fear that caused this and is possibly related to the inferiority complex since by not meeting expectations I felt less worthy or something similar, the most curious thing is the attraction to women is awakening again or maybe something has changed too, now I pay a lot of attention to the personality, behavior, habits, and to be honest it seems that I "fall in love" with the personalities I like , I don't know if it has to do with love but I definitely get hard just remembering it, on second thought, during the time I used OF I realized that I felt hatred for women (possibly because of the inferiority complex), but now that hatred seems to be fading away, never in life I thought OF would help me to deal with this.

(10-24-2022, 10:36 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]Possibly the last thing regarding OFv4, after being emotionally in the damn shit for weeks it finally seems a major change has been achieved, which seems strange to me since I thought it was due to low self esteem, some inferiority complex and my hatred for humanity, apparently I no longer feel less worthy nor do i care (this is funny because just yesterday I was doing something from college which I don't want to do but was trying to force myself to do it, resulting in tiredness, procrastination, suffering. After that I simply remembered that I am not there for pleasure nor do I have the obligation to do it nor are the benefits at the cost of my suffering worth it, so I discarded it, curious, apparently it is due to perfectionism or a type of fear of failure or because I was afraid of giving more importance to my emotional needs than that of others, just today I woke up with fatigue and at times it seemed that I lacked oxygen), but finally I am letting go of the fear that caused this and is possibly related to the inferiority complex since by not meeting expectations I felt less worthy or something similar, the most curious thing is the attraction to women is awakening again or maybe something has changed too, now I pay a lot of attention to the personality, behavior, habits, and to be honest it seems that I "fall in love" with the personalities I like , I don't know if it has to do with love but I definitely get hard just remembering it, on second thought, during the time I used OF I realized that I felt hatred for women (possibly because of the inferiority complex), but now that hatred seems to be fading away, never in life I thought OF would help me to deal with this.

This realization & change thereof is great progress indeed!