Subliminal Talk

It is indeed, maybe this can prove that OFv4 is able to deal also with shame and guilt (well at least shame) when fear is involved.

And one of my nightmares came true, my right ear got a little more deaf because of going to the cinema, fucking sound was at dangerous levels and right after UH made my hearing better, I should have bought one copy, well, it will be the update if there is or wait for MHS update, I'm starting to hate the world again.

For a few days now my mid back especifically the left side is hurting at times, the first time occurred after some anxiety symptoms, then it disappeared after some hours, the next day kind of the same and so but tonight it was hurting as hell and also I was having another fear crisis believing my hearing would get worse (even though I know is not gonna happen), it is curious though how the fear affected my internal dialogue, it was difficult to think, most of my thoughts were about suffering and even the voice was kind of disturbing, then there I was trying to keep the logic thoughts on the road until I had enough and played OF to sleep (I did). Now I just have to deal with the back pain.

My back is fine now, and for some reason the tinnitus on the right side kind of reduced after the cinema almost kill me, I'm still not sure if my hearing on the right ear get worse or my muscles just became more sensitive which makes me wonder if tinnitus is just another symptom of anxiety or has another function, according to what I found on the net the right ear is better at processing sounds of music while the left can hear better the voices, could it be my ear needed some stimulation? or I'm just more deaf haha, then what I need to fix the tinnitus on the left side, someone to talk to me in a specific way? or myself? both?

Now I'm thinking that tinnitus is actually a way my subconscious uses to try to calm me from the fear of hearing loss (that's actually the OCD, first it was cancer, then something else and now hearing loss), when tinnitus first appeared I was trying a new setup for using subliminals and I was always wondering if the volume wasn't too high or might get deaf or something but now my thoughts are always focused on my hearing, and that's it, I'm such a fearful human being that I get deranged for the slightest shit, fucking OCD is my biggest problem and I guess my subconscious is finally focusing entirely on dealing with it, now the problem is finding the sweet spot (if there is) and finding a way to give a damn about those compulsive thoughts.

I think I'm hitting the jackspot, the symptoms are running wild but not that intensive but enough to make me want to sleep for a few hours and surprisingly enough I have the will to do stuff which usually I don't want to.

Yesterday I had a different type of anxiety crisis, this time my hearing was pretty (or I thought) messed up, I swear I could no longer understand words for a few seconds, then I was trying to overcome the compulsive thoughts, a couple of hours later I woke up and my tinnitus was pretty loud, I just accepted that I might end up deaf at some point in my life and stop burdening me, or accepting I could heal my hearing if only I start believing there is no hearing loss in the first place and getting UH to comfort me.

Fucking OCD, I don't know if it is better to let it express anger or become zen and detach from the reaction.

For some reason I have been thinking about switching to ultrasonic format, because I prefer to hear more clearly the voices or that's the reason my subconscious is tellling me, now I have some much to consider before doing it.

First: I did suffer hearing loss and now I need to hear the voices a bit louder.
Second: my subconscious is resisting or overloading with hybrid, also considering I had 2 anxiety crisis on the same week and some strong symptoms but so far it doesn't seem to be a problem with 3 loops.
Third: my obsession with improving my hearing resulted in this.
Fourth: autoconfig is kicking in for some unknown reason.

It appears I no longer have the issue with my hearing (perhaps the obsession got tired from it), now the issue is with a shitty obsession with my heart, at times I feel pain at the chest (eventhough I know is just my stomach messing around), but now my body gets tired whenever I exert the slightest physical exertion but always focusing on my heart (looks like I'm worried about getting a heart attack or something) which makes me feel disgusted, tired and dizzy, even when I eat something I start to get dizzy just because of my stomach (I think), so I'm guessing my fearful subconscious is trying to resist pretty bad or is finally letting go of that fear/obsession/shit. If it wasn't for my previous experiences with similar symptoms I would have thought I was truly going to suffer a heart attack at the beginning (which is curious, when I start to believe those thoughts symptoms get worse and if I just accept I'm feeling bad without giving more thoughts then I recover faster).

I don't know how or why but my stomach is still messing around and making me tired, I really need to learn how to relax in any situation even if I feel like dying.

Today I found out I still have some ways until overcoming the fear that triggers anxiety attacks, maybe I still don't know what I fear in the first place, could be death, pain, identifying myself when I hear something about a heart attack and assuming I'm going to experience that which reminds me of something kind of strange regarding my resistance, two times now I felt as if the bloodflow of my left arm increases and decreases making it feel weird, maybe is just pain but for some reason I don't feel pain.

Well, turns out I still got ways until I can hear someone talking about heart attacks without assuming it is going to happen to me and eventually pass out because of self inflicted pain and chemicals as a result of anxiety, I still curse when my parents told me if I don't do this then it will happen to me that and fucking hell, even if I try to remain calm the pain is stronger, I no longer fear hearing loss but as usual fear needs to cling onto something, this time is my heart, this is the last one remaining which troubles me assuming is the same as OCD, maybe I should try shock therapy.