Day 30
I'll be switching flats soon. Not gonna lie for some reason I'm stressed about this. At least I have something to occupy me and make me focus on.
I stopped dreaming about that girl altogether which is funny given few weeks back I dreamed of her almost daily. I have fewer dreams in general or rather I don't remember them. As for that girl I decided to be done with this and removed her from all social media. I don't know if that's the right decision but I need peace of mind and I wanna go forward without looking back. I deserve better than this and if burning bridges on something that was pointless anyway is a way to prove to myself this is true then so be it.
That being said I wish I had something, someone to fight for. It's hard for me to open up as it is and when I find someone to whom I can do this it ends up the same every time - disappointment, regret etc. I will get there one day, I know I will. But when?
EDIT
I forgot to mention but there is huge win as well. Yesterday, for the first time, I managed to automatically fasten my belt at the lowest hole. I started at 3 holes off and not so long ago I was at 1 off barely comfortably (when I was forcing it to make myself feel better) and 2 comfortably. This is odd as my scale doesn't show much weight loss and muscle grow is out of the question as I barely exercise. Still what a nice surprise, I hope this will continue and I will need a new belt soon
(07-30-2021, 11:56 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 30
I'll be switching flats soon. Not gonna lie for some reason I'm stressed about this. At least I have something to occupy me and make me focus on.
Don't blame you, moving is stressful. I hate it. Just moved last week, and it was a nightmare! That said, being in a new home is exciting. Now that the moving part is over (still unpacking and organizing, that sucks, too!), I find I have a renewed spring in my step every day. Hope it works out that way for you, too. Good luck!
(07-31-2021, 07:46 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ] (07-30-2021, 11:56 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 30
I'll be switching flats soon. Not gonna lie for some reason I'm stressed about this. At least I have something to occupy me and make me focus on.
Don't blame you, moving is stressful. I hate it. Just moved last week, and it was a nightmare! That said, being in a new home is exciting. Now that the moving part is over (still unpacking and organizing, that sucks, too!), I find I have a renewed spring in my step every day. Hope it works out that way for you, too. Good luck!
It wouldn't be half bad if not for the fact that I work from home and I need to set up a working station. If not for that I'd just move it and slowly buy some furniture and get used to the new environment. So I have 2 options - either move out and make my old flat a temporary office or I move non-essential stuff now so I don't have to do everything at once and continue living in the old flat for a week or so. The fact that my friend has already moved in and he's a little bit junky because he is setting up kitchen, making small fixes etc. without me due to the situation makes it even harder. And no, I cannot work in the office because of summer renovations...
Day 32
Anxiety is not a joke. I'd love to be just done with moving out but I won't be for some time yet. Sadly due to dimensional requirements I cannot simply buy new furniture at Ikea so I had to order furniture online and I have no idea how long this will take. I hope it will arrive this week but there is no way of knowing. I fear I make bad decisions under the pressure of time and it's hard for me to focus on other stuff. Also I hate the idea that I will have to get used to completely new environment. Strangely I don't have such fears about my new job, but I'm so used to my living space that changing it really scares the hell out of me.
I wish I would care less about it and just let it go but I cannot. I overthink everything, as usual. I just wanna be done with it. Thankfully I see a lot of positives about moving and I think the reason why I react so harshly to the situations is because I won't be able to continue the habits I've developed while living alone. Truth is I cannot live alone if I want to keep my sanity in check in the long run.
You may wonder how I react to the sub in such situation? Badly. I straight up forget about running it and when I do I want it to just stop. I seem to be more decisive while or shortly after listening so that's a plus.
Day 33
I don't like whining and beaching posts but I feel like it and maybe someone will give me an advice.
I'm weak. I'm terribly weak physically. Yesterday I was helping my flatmate moving a desk weighing maybe 50kg and I was shaking. We did this and even we didn't damage the desk but damn. That should be easy for 2 grown ass men. Today I got my furniture delivery (extremely fast, I'm beyond shocked) and guess what? I could barely move 30kg packages. I did this, alone, but it was exhausting. Not in terms of fatigue, I have that covered. But after these two adventures I can feel my damn arms and back. I went back home hoping to get some work done but as of now it's in vain. I'm just too tired, cannot concentrate and I long for a nap.
My walking regiment made my legs strong and helps me loose my weight but my overall strength is laughable. As soon as I get my crap together and start a new work I'll be hitting a gym, no questions about it!
Interesting thing that may have happened due to OF. Then the furniture came I was thinking that maybe I can put it together myself. I mean I have entire, it should be possible. But after the exercise I was so tired and couldn't concentrate that I gave up on the idea. I didn't start anything from the fear I'd screw up something during the assembly. Me and my flatmate will try to do this later today, if not then I'll probably find some trusty guys to do this for money or good alcohol. We'll see.
And that's funny about my whole situation right now. I don't know what I will do tomorrow. Maybe I will be packing as all the furniture I need will be ready. Or maybe I will have day of my work as I will wait for the crew to assemble my stuff. I cannot plan now. It should make me anxious right now but, to be honest, I'm too sick and tired for this now. If things go badly, at the end of this adventure I will be behind on my work and I will have to face the fallout of it all. So be it. I'm ready, I have to be.
EDIT
I just realize why this is so important to me. I've been living in the city for 9 years now but made it my home maybe 3-4 years ago. This especially was cemented with the death of my father, where I had to distance myself form my family home because of general renovations done soon after. I had to become fully self-sufficient, so longer running to my mommy and daddy every odd weekend. And I had to make place where I live home. Now I face losing this place and replacing it with new. Every time before when I was moving I wasn't moving to a new home but simply place to sleep and rest in between study/work and visits to home. Now, in the aftermath of my father's death and later COVID, home office etc. I'm moving, for the first time, to a new home. To a place I will have to make my home. I had anxieties like this before as well but they were eased by frequent visits at my parents'. Now this is not an option. I'm losing the home I have without owning a new one yet. That's scary.
(08-03-2021, 04:24 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 33
I'm weak. I'm terribly weak physically. Yesterday I was helping my flatmate moving a desk weighing maybe 50kg and I was shaking. We did this and even we didn't damage the desk but damn. That should be easy for 2 grown ass men. Today I got my furniture delivery (extremely fast, I'm beyond shocked) and guess what? I could barely move 30kg packages. I did this, alone, but it was exhausting. Not in terms of fatigue, I have that covered. But after these two adventures I can feel my damn arms and back. I went back home hoping to get some work done but as of now it's in vain. I'm just too tired, cannot concentrate and I long for a nap.
My walking regiment made my legs strong and helps me loose my weight but my overall strength is laughable. As soon as I get my crap together and start a new work I'll be hitting a gym, no questions about it!
easy advice, go for a annual gym membership, not monthly. I was feeling weak years ago, my friends used to threaten me to beat me up, I went to gym for 2 years and, took a few years break but still my body is muscular and fit.
(08-03-2021, 04:46 AM)tolgaocal80 Wrote: [ -> ] (08-03-2021, 04:24 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 33
I'm weak. I'm terribly weak physically. Yesterday I was helping my flatmate moving a desk weighing maybe 50kg and I was shaking. We did this and even we didn't damage the desk but damn. That should be easy for 2 grown ass men. Today I got my furniture delivery (extremely fast, I'm beyond shocked) and guess what? I could barely move 30kg packages. I did this, alone, but it was exhausting. Not in terms of fatigue, I have that covered. But after these two adventures I can feel my damn arms and back. I went back home hoping to get some work done but as of now it's in vain. I'm just too tired, cannot concentrate and I long for a nap.
My walking regiment made my legs strong and helps me loose my weight but my overall strength is laughable. As soon as I get my crap together and start a new work I'll be hitting a gym, no questions about it!
easy advice, go for a annual gym membership, not monthly. I was feeling weak years ago, my friends used to threaten me to beat me up, I went to gym for 2 years and, took a few years break but still my body is muscular and fit.
Yeah, hitting a gym will be a must. There is a nice large gym near my workplace and my cousin agreed to volunteer as my personal trainer for at least a day to show me ins and outs. A yearly plan is a good idea, its easy to force oneself into a situation and then face the consequences. My biggest no-no for going there is that I will be judged and ridiculed, but my cousin explained to me that nobody gives a flock about what you do. Encouraging. If I will go ahead with the plan it will be a huge win for OF.
Also I decided to switch to ultrasonic for the time being. I feel too frustrated and even idea of listening to a sub now freaks me out. Ultrasonic is so easy as I set up playlist on my laptop and forget about it.
There is a good chance I will move by Monday. It will be a blessing if I do. I face less and less uncertainty the picture clears out. The fact that most afternoons this week I've spend in the new flat on various affairs only makes me more and more used to it. If anything old flat starts to frustrate me.
Day 37
OK, so I'm moving on Monday. Today was my "free day" which does not mean I did not work - I've done 4 hours of proper work because I'm behind on it as it is and it was stressless enough for me to tackle it while semi-relaxing. Sunday and Monday I will be packing up and cleaning the old flat which is funny - what should I do first? Packing is harder as I will lock up stuff I may need and cleaning will be easier once I'm packed. Oh well, I'll figure something out. Obviously Monday is out when it comes to work, but I'll manage. I have to.
Thought of getting used to the new flat is shattered by an interesting development. On Saturday my mom leaves for a vacation and I plan to come there 2 days or so before that and stay there while she's away. This will leave me to work (maybe up to 12-14h a day I'm afraid) in a extremely comfortable environment. I can see flaws to this plan, but it seems perfect and I need to catch up if I wanna 1) leave my old job behind before I start a new one and 2) I want to accomplish everything I want to connected to the old one.
I was briefly thinking about what to do when I'm done with OF. My current plan would not be to Shannon's liking, but that's neither here nor there and much may change in between. Who knows what will happen in the next 5 months and what my priorities will be at that point. At any rate I intent to run OF till the end of this year and nothing will change that. I'm way too stubborn. Plus I'm again comfortable enough to listen to hybrid.
Day 37 cont.
Having anxiety-free and time-wise free day for the first time in at least a week brings interesting results. As I was writing the last update I was reading through my old journals, something I do rarely but is extremely educational. It's funny how you read your past updates and some things you remember vividly and some you cannot piece together. And how the events I was experiencing culminated eventually. I was shocked as to how I was able to predict that my ex would write to me and how I was preparing mentally for the upcomming storm.
Did I do good compared to who I was way back when? Partly yes partly no. I think I wrote enough on this thread about "transition to adulthood". But I think I did good. I'm wiser, but also more jaded. Life lost much of its charm and magic. In general LTU6 and OF3 were very harsh for me compared to likes of LTU5, AM or DMSI. Life seems for grinding now and I think this is reflected in the journals as well. I would love so much to go back to this. And it is possible, it's just a matter of changing the perspective I've developed, especially after COVID.
Strangely I did not find myself disagreeing with my past self. I either agreed and if anything I felt ashamed that I forgot the lessons I've learnt in the past or I disagreed only with the benefit of hindsight. The biggest lesson by far is that I lost this kind of faith that things will turn up well. You may recall my analogy of life as a card game like poker. If we hold this analogy then now I am this overanalyzing, almost soulless player that plays to win while in the past I'd just play my cards and see what's gonna happen.
Were I facing anxieties? Sure. Were I frustrated when things didn't go my way? Of course. But I was so much more outcome independent. I was letting things fly around me. I wasn't building huge plans, scheming and burning myself out in the process. This is a new development and a hurting one, caused probably by COVID-induced solitude and to some extent loss of a foundation when my father died.
Now I'm shackled by my work. Sometimes I get this feeling like I will never be happy again. But this is false. I will be done with this soon. And when I'm done, when I will no longer live alone, when I will have a new and better job, when I will reclaim my peace of mind I will do my best to come back to that old mindset. Life will be magical again, I must reclaim what I forgot I had.
Day 40
I'm done moving, everything went smoothly. Now onto a slow process of getting used to the place and making it my home. It may take weeks, months even. But such is life.
I won't be posting updates regularly now, my life will be very boring for the rest of August I'm afraid.
Day 60
August is almost over so I thought I'd post an update. I've lurked for a minute or two every other day, I had some of my subs lost but mail to the shop helped me restore them.
I've done some serious work these past 3 weeks but still a lot is left to be done. At least one more month I guess, I should be done by the end of September but I may not make it by then. I hate every moment of it and have just wanna be done with the work but I'm too proud and stubborn to quit. The sad thing is that because of that most things I'm thinking about right now are work related. This made me extremely antisocial and I've quit some of my good habits. I'm keeping everything together though and it looks like the future is bright.
As for the sub I'm listening to it probably much more than I should. I listen to it on ultrasonic while working and funnily enough it doesn't drain me. I feel more decisive but I wouldn't say fearless. There are some subtle changes but nothing worth sharing I think. I cannot wait for a time when I'll be able to test the sub in the wild but at this moment all I can justify is either work or rest - there's so little room so self-development right now it's scary.
Day 78
I feel so tired guys. I'm not sure if it's the resistance or I'm simply overworked and depressed. My motivation to do anything is close to 0 and while I have lots of plans and dreams it feels like today is not the moment to follow them.
For the love of me I cannot think of one instance where I could say "yes, I conquered my fear" in these last weeks. I feel like I'm failing the sub, like I'm doing something wrong but I have no idea what. First few weeks the sub helped me in some hard moments but now all of it seems gone or at least stagnant.
The fact that days are getting shorter, the weather colder and everything around will start getting bleaker and bleaker doesn't help me one bit. If this continues this is gonna be a rough Fall and Winter.
Have you tried any hybrid loops, yet?
Day 107
Damn, a month since I posted last time. Much has changed since then. Days got even shorter, I started a new job. Things are going well but I feel quite disorganized. There are so many things I wanna get down to but old projects keep hanging. I don't wanna split my focus before I finish these but I lack will to actually finish them. The idea of finally be done with them is the only thing that keeps me going at this point.
As for the sub I fear it simply doesn't work for me. I see no differences in my behavior. Especially tasks that bring me anxiety are as hard to start as ever. To be honest I'd simply ditch this sub for another one I planed on running in 2022 but I wanna stick it to Shannon and finish 6 months. Maybe I do something wrong, I wasn't changing my playlist in a long time, like 2 months, but my intuition gives me nothing on usage.
Running the sub became such a habit that I barely even think about it anymore. My participation in this forum is prove enough I think.