Subliminal Talk

Day 14 cont.

I thought that maybe instead of talking about fears all the time I'll talk about dreams and hopes for once. And I cannot help but notice an interesting shift in them.

I'm in this weird moment of my life where I'm switching from being an young adult to an adult, at least in my eyes. So far I'e had it easy and true, I've been working and taking full care of myself for 4 years now and I left my parents' house for University 9 years ago, but here and now seems like a switch. Of course it's all fluid, there is no one moment. One might say than the change already happened 2 years ago when my father died. So might say it will happen when I start my new job. Doesn't matter. What matters is the process is ongoing and I can feel it.

If you were to ask me what my dreams and hopes were a couple of years ago I'd not know. It would be something general like "travel the world, be happy, get a good job, maybe find a girlfriend". What was the most important for me back then was my personal freedom - I wanted nothing and none to tell me what I can and cannot do. This is still true. This is why I'm so obsessed with financial independence for example. Idea of going to work knowing full well you don't have to is liberating.

Nowadays I dream more and more about a family, house and all that good stuff. Some time ago I'd find this repulsive. Why the change? First of all I used to view family as a surrogate happiness for most. You know, I cannot be happy but at least I can make other happy shtick. Now I feel I know myself and people enough that I can build a family where I can find all that I need (security, tenderness, support) while being so much more than simply a husband or a father and offering more than your average head of the family can.

And second? Well, I'm not sure how to put this... I finally feel like I deserve this dream? Deserve is a bad word. Like this dream is finally possible. I mean I always was in this situation where I was able to achieve pretty much anything I ever wanted if I were to put my mind to it. Except for relationships. These always eluded me or ended up in break-ups. And you cannot build a family alone. So I left an open door for a relationship in my dreams but was planning without it. Now I feel like I'm finally man enough that I will be able to find someone to build my future with. I take this seriously, I don't wanna end up with someone with whom I'll be unhappy and who will be unhappy with me. And such a search takes time and work. I'm sure I'll get there though, even as I type it I'm full of hope and optimism on that part.

And before you ask no, it's not OF doing. It stems from LTU work and it was a process. I started to think hard about this after I met up with my cousin last week who I kinda view now as my possible future path - 40yo bachelor, living alone, having a good job and focusing on self-improvement. Few years ago I'd say I wanna be like him. Now thought of this is dreadful.

(07-11-2021, 07:41 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-10-2021, 12:06 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Congrats on 1,000 posts!

Thanks Shannon. It's been a long journey and a lot is still ahead of me, but I will keep on keeping on.

Day 10 off

Finally at my mother's. Yesterday we've had a long conversation up to 2AM talking about life, love and all that good stuff. Talking like this with my mom is often times frustrating. She knows me so well and we are similar but at the same time our views differ. She's from the older generation, so much more traditional. Also, despite what I would call "pragmatic religiosity" she's very materialistic, going through the motions and petty problems of life and heeding little attention for higher ideas. That makes her at this point quite a tragic character, being able to find little solace when things are rough.

As for me I had an interesting experience today. I was thinking about my fears and why I sabotage myself e.g. with masturbation. And when I started thinking about being in relationship and how my life would look like without the sabotage - and mind you I've done this exercise already - I got scared. And not subconsciously scared but consciously, I could feel the fear and aversion. I have no idea what happened, maybe OF is pushing these fears out to the open?

I was also trying to do some exercises inspired by the recent Shannon's post where I'd ask myself what are the lessons I need to learn in this life. So far little came out of this, probably I have some serious blockages that keep me from entertaining the ideas than come up.

Hey MysticPymp

Facing my fears is what has allowed me to see through the illusion and falseness of the expectations.

FEAR =
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real

Sounds like you have some FALSE EXPECATIONS about being in a relationship that's APPEARING very REAL to you.

It is uncomfortable to face your fears.

But it is what sets you free!!

You must toughen up. Get dirty. Go a little wild if you must.

And remove yourself from comfort and softness.

Just for some time so you can start fucking your fears.

Once I faced my fears, they were never again so intense and hard to face as the first few times.
I still have fears but they are not the same as before.

In the end it's up to you.

What do you want in life?

Every path has challenges and fears.

Choose one and get dirty walking towards what you want in life.
And remember to have fun along the way!

Be great!!

-LM

Thanks @LionMonkey, I appreciate it. What I think I fear about this is that it will end up the same as it did before. I've been in two relationships and it didn't work both time. The answer as to why lies on both sides but I cannot escape the thought that I failed both of the girls. Both of them were troubled (and it's not like I'm not troubled myself) and I could have done more. I didn't for one reason or another and that's history. I'm a different person now and I'm looking for something different in people as well. Fear or not time will come when I will open up myself again - maybe romantically, maybe just sexually, maybe platonically, maybe all of them at the same time. At this moment I'm only half-committed to this but if opportunity arises I have no intention of letting fear screw me up.

Day 15 off

A day of, most probably earned. I feel like the stay at my mother's is getting too long already, once I have more stable job and I'll be able to visit only sparingly I think it may do be better than prolonged stays. That being said I'm not that willing to leave either. Here is this weird safe zone where I come back to my childhood self and don't have to face fears of adulthood. Right now I wish I could cower and hide indeterminately. I know I cannot though and that I'll have to face the challenges. It fuels me with fear and courage at the same time.

I keep having this very short but vivid dreams where I see that girl who ghosted me finally replying. It's tiresome but it shows that somehow, deep down I care. Consciously I care about this less and less. I think the hurt mainly came from that wedding party fiasco and now that it's obvious she won't be coming with me I'm more relaxed. If she never gets in touch again it's fine, if it takes her next few weeks or months it's fine as well. In the meantime I will keep on doing what I'm doing as if I never knew her.

A couple of days ago I reminded myself of this girl I met at the music festival. I got her number but never followed up on this. However we got in touch more than a year later and were good friends ever since for something like 6 years now. And apparently all this time she kept my number though she never contacted me in that time. You never know what may happen and what others think.

Day 16 2 ultrasonic

I didn't want to post today but decided to do it for the sake of posting everyday. I feel like suffocating in here, I'm glad I'll be leaving for the city tomorrow. It's not my mom's fault. It's just this place choking energy out of me. Coming here for a day or 2 is fine, but a week is more than too much.

Day 17 1 hybrid

So I'm back in the city. Feels good to be back in the place where I feel more in charge of my own destiny.

Hybrid is not as harsh as I'd fear. It's actually relaxing and I felt uplifted and inspired by it. I might give 2 loops a try tomorrow at this rate.

I wonder how I'll do tomorrow. It will be back-to-the-work day and I'm behind. A proper week of work should set this up for good but we'll see. I have some plans I did not disclose and if this pans out throughout the weeks I will be in a very good situation indeed. I feel a little anxious about this but given it didn't work so well in the past I feel like it will be easy enough to forgive myself if I fail.

Day 18 1 hybrid

I've been talking with @Johannesbrst (btw I really appreciate your input) and he suggested that perhaps posting daily wasn't helpful for me. I don't wanna put words into his mouth but the long story short is that I don't necessarily agree with his his assessment, but it led me to a different idea. So far I've had quite a lot of time to think about and time had been quite a leisure. Not anymore, at least not if I want to get things done. Also, even if I didn't show it, I'm a little bit frustrated with the sub meaning I don't see any results. And it's hard to see them when you scrutinize everything and do little action.

I wonder if "run it and forget it" approach wouldn't be better for me. Just running the sub and not thinking to much, relegating this journal to maybe weekly summary of what went both wrong and right. It's an opposite of what I'm doing now and I think it might be worth a shot. I was unwilling to do this because it didn't work too well with LTU last time but OF if a different beast. So perhaps trusting myself, letting it go instead of questioning everything and enjoying the ride is a better way to go for me.

This gives me a sense of confidence. As if that made sense and I was overcontrolling. We'll see where it leads me and I will keep you posted.

Day 19 2 hybrid

Damn, not thinking is harder than it sounds. I tried to put the principle of "don't think, just do" to action and I got some good results though. Forcing myself to do some anxiety-inducing things was easier than usual. Way too small sample size to tell and nothing I wouldn't have done if I had to though. Just fewer excuses to be found and easier time starting the tasks.

Day 22

The strategy seems to work. Or at least it works better than overanalyzing everything. At least I have some results to show for it.

My number one priority should be limiting my distractions on the internet. I don't have Twitter, I use Facebook and Reddit rarely now but I do a lot of YouTube and reading random stuff on the internet that comes my way (forums, articles etc.). And, sadly, this might be a tall order because how much time in my work is spend waiting as I test stuff out or wait for the results. You gotta keep yourself busy in the meantime somehow...

What's weird and hard for me to deal with right now is switching between modes of thinking or rather behaving. It's hard for me right now to start of work, but once I do it's easy. I even tend to come back to some problems in my free time because I feel anxious doing "nothing" meaning relaxing. However, once I'm in the relaxing mindset its very anxiety-inducing to sit back to work.

Also I'm feeling tired, both physically and mentally, in general. I don't feel like going for my walks anymore for example, I feel like I don't have neither time nor energy for it. I'm pushing my limits when it comes to sub usage, I'm doing maybe 3 loops on my laptop of hybrid daily on average and it takes its toll. All only at the moments when I feel a need for it, I'm not forcing anything nor following a set schedule. I need a lot of sleep and it's hard to get up. Still I find a simple act of listening to the sub smooth and reassuring.

Day 23 off

I'm angry, tired, disillusioned and defeated. This post has nothing to do with OF, I just wanna pour my issues somewhere and here is the best venue.

Today I saw on Facebook a post by that girl that has ghosted me. It showed that the issues that she had been dealing with at work came to pass and she succeeded. Not much more, just her alone showing the world she made it. And it made me disappointed that nevertheless she didn't contact me. I commented her post, messaged her and no response, as usual.

At this point I no longer hold any hope she will get in touch again. To be honest I thought I didn't care until I saw that photo. But seeing it made me angry. Not at her but at myself. I feel like I did something wrong. Even if I didn't offend her somehow or did anything to make her lose interest with me I feel it's my fault. I must have failed some cosmic law, there must be some imbalance I'm a cause of. And it's my fault. It is as obvious to me as anything else.

Which is damn funny come to think of it. I could "easily" accept my father's death without looking for reasons. I could also "easily" kick the love of my life out of it due to being a b***h. I've accepted so much bad things in my life with my stoicism. But this is triggering me? I've been rejected many times and only now I cannot accept it?

In all of this there is one voice, one message I come back to. I read it on the internet a couple days ago. "It's not about you". There is more to this story of the world than just me. Thus justifying things out of your control makes little sense. Still, in all that disappointment, if I am to blame myself at least I'd wish I knew what I did so that I will not repeat the mistake again.

Day 23 cont.

I went for a walk and took some rest afterwards. I was hoping for a sign, something that will grab my attention and help me make sense of the situation. I found nothing. I started thinking if this entire situation is due to my ego. I mean how could she not pursue someone like ME, best and greatest, right? And maybe there is something to it, but that's a different story.

What ended up happening was as I was exercising and I was thinking about her a thought came. I don't wanna tell you what that is but it makes sense given who she is and it gives me solace. It wasn't my fault, I could have done things better but it doesn't mean I did things wrong. I think I did the best I could given circumstances. This is kind of feeling I need. Also if I'm right there is nothing I can do so no point in dwelling on the subject and if she contacts me eventually I won't have hurt feelings.

Still some anger and such remain. But now it's much more familiar feeling. I plan to use these emotions to my advantage. When life gives you lemons...

Day 25

As I focus on here-and-now problems and no longer wonder about hypotheticals as much as I did over a week ago I find myself in sadder but more grounded reality. I remember at times I'd say the the world and life seem magical. Now is the opposite of that. Life now seems harsh, down-to-earth and lacking any vibrant color. Brown, gray and yellow instead of lush green or bloody red. Also as I tackle one problem another one takes its place. But at least I tackle them instead of running away to my childhood home.

The 3 issues I focus myself on right now are finishing my work, losing weight and NoFap. As for the first I've been talking about it too much already. As for the second I'm forcing myself to go for my walks with mixed results. I also started exercising but had to stop because I got toothache coming from my sinuses. I can't lie on my side or bend down without feeling in. Awesome. I'd go to the dentist but I'd rather wait as once I start my new job I'll have better healthcare. Dentist is not the only doctor I wanna visit to be honest anyway.

As for NoFap I'm on my third day now. I struggle in moments of boredom but so far it's manageable. I find NoFap to be difficult as one stray thought is enough to get you into a spiral of "why even bother, just do it and get some relief". No chinks in the armor built out of anger I described last time though. I really wanna change and I'm sick of my situation in some areas in which masturbation only grinds me down even more.

Day 28

Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated by indulging myself in laziness. My friend was supposed to come for some whisky but we decided to postpone it to Saturday - probably for the better as I don't have to treat my hangover now and I can get to work.

I was pretty bumped down as I indulged myself in thinking, something that I mentioned I'm trying to avoid these days. To the point where I play podcasts or let's plays as I fall asleep so that I don't uselessly fantasize in bed. It's funny how I consider this last year to be a total failure and one of my most successful years to date. Because on one hand I didn't achieve much this year and I feel like life was giving me blow after blow, but at the same time I made some of the most courageous decisions in my life and I will be reaping the fruits of them later down the line. I guess it come to show how I view myself. Perhaps I'm too harsh on myself or perhaps I'm not harsh enough. I don't know anymore.

As for the sub I feel disappointed while I wasn't expecting much. I don't feel fear leaving, if anything burden of the past is weighting heavy on me. I believe I read this in other journals as well but I have a lot of glimpses of the past. Practically daily I get reminded of something from my past that induced anxiety for a few seconds. It's like a headshot from an inch away from my skull. In general these kinds of memories seem more vivid. I can see myself clearly at a school desk even though it was a decade ago for example. Thankfully there are not frequent, happen mostly when I'm bored and daydreaming and pass quickly after focusing on something else.

I've heard somewhere on the internet that these kinds of memories are a subconscious telling us there is an unresolved issue we need to learn from. That it doesn't want to scare or hurt us, but instead telling us we need to take a look at this. However it doesn't tell us what we need to learn and the way it is presented is utmost unpleasant so we rather push it aside again that indulge in it. I have no idea if Shannon would agree but that makes sense to me.

Anyhow I feel like the sub is disappointing me or maybe I am disappointing the sub. There are some interesting results. I effortlessly cut down to zero my energy drink consumption, something that was not healthy and hurt my budget. I also, despite the fact that I don't go out often and when I do it's mostly for a walk or to a shop, started to take much better care of my hygiene. This might sound silly but COVID made me lazy and I washed only rarely or when I had to, now I was daily again and it just feels nice and not forced in any way. That being said I feel like maybe there is something I could do to execute better. I don't know what that is and it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for every damn bad thing that happens in my life.

Fear of not executing the sub, nice!

Every truth is half-truth. Everything's a paradox.

Happy Belated Birthday first!

secondly in your journally can you note down what format you are listening to and what number of loops and where you are in terms of days on and off. It helps to then see whats happening. If that's ok with you buddy!

(07-29-2021, 01:06 AM)Jake2015 Wrote: [ -> ]Happy Belated Birthday first!

secondly in your journally can you note down what format you are listening to and what number of loops and where you are in terms of days on and off. It helps to then see whats happening. If that's ok with you buddy!

Sure, no problem. I was posting my usage when I was posting daily, now there is little sense as that would be inconsistent. That being said on my days on I listen to 3 loops a day hybrid when I'm on my laptop, either reading something or watching videos on YT. If I feel the need for it I add additional loop. Currently I do 3 days on 2 days off routine.

If you have any and all questions feel free to ask