This is my journey to overcome my fears, so I can increase my freedom, become more relaxed, and see opportunities with a clear state of mind without inhibitions.
Bit of background, I listened to LTU 6 the past year and I've decided to cut my usage of Stage 7 from 6 months to 3 months with the last day on 2021.05.16. A brief review on that, there was a lot of subtle changes that I can't pinpoint right now but the major ones are: (1) speaking in group is less stressful and produces less anxiety; (2) I contribute more in meetings, talk noticeably more in personal conversations compared to prior LTU 6; (3) move on from failures significantly faster (days or weeks vs. months); (4) more assertive getting the things I want
I bought OF v2 mid February in anticipation of my LTU 6 run end and from reading a journal in the forums pointing to the headline on the product page “What is Life Like Without Fear?” and the promise of better results from other subs when OF executes is very attractive. Despite getting OF v2, this is an OF v3 journal which released a month after.
Here’s to overcoming fear.
Day 3, Off
I'm very antsy today. I am very busy with work yet bored at the same time. Maybe due to tiredness. I didn't get enough sleep on my 2nd day and 3rd day, they are compounding.
Been smoking a lot even though I don't really feel like smoking anymore. It's just going through the motions.
Started hitting the gym again for the past week, everything hurts. I want to go today but there is much work to be done.
These past few weeks, I've been talking to someone I like. I get attached quickly. There is this small neediness feeling, I say small because it feels suppressed. Historically I would feel miserable for a few days, but now it's just a small feeling in my gut that doesn't seem to fully surface. I acknowledge it then disappears in a moment. I talk to other women as well to distract myself though I have this faint thought that it may back fire.
I get upset when things don't go the way I want it to but it doesn't last. A few minutes and I'll bounce back.
There was a guy at the gas station who I held the door for and he started chatting me up. We were from the same city and invited me to church, I didn't explicitly say yes but I asked details.
I am getting cocky with my interaction at work. I don't even think about ramifications. I remember feeling this way during ASC 5g run, not as fully blown but was very liberating feeling, like I got out of a cage and nothing can stop me. I got into a fight with a very close friend of mine due to it back then.
For reference, I'm listening to ocean masked track in my phone through earbuds at 6/15 volume.
Just to clarify, you can listen to the masked track on earbuds as loudly as you are comfortable with listening to it.
(06-02-2021, 04:04 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Just to clarify, you can listen to the masked track on earbuds as loudly as you are comfortable with listening to it.
I'll keep that in mind. With previous subs I listen at night with Hybrid Ocean track mostly through bookshelf powered speakers but this one is only one loop so I do it in mornings through earbuds. It seems that my hearing is more sensitive in the morning.
Day 4, Off
Computer is taking a long time to load stuff I need for work so I figured I'd write an entry here and recollect as much as I can.
Hard to get up this morning, mid section felt very stiff. If I contract muscles or inhale deeply I get a jolt of dull pain and freeze for a second. That was the case for the rest of the day but it's getting better. I didn't get to finish all my work yesterday, past 9pm I called it quits due to headache.
At midday I browsed instagram and reddit, saw a bunch of nsfw images but it didn't affect me. Looked at porn sites too and thought to myself why the fuck am I wasting my time. So I did what I have to do and moved on. Seems too logical, I'm set that I need to get it out of my system so I can focus with other things.
I have this back and forth struggle with the idea of taking care of myself better and learn skills to improve my happiness, mostly soft/social skills. Sudden urges and then not giving a fuck about it.
Couple of people at work asked me for my help, it happens from time to time but today was a lot more than usual. I have other things to do too, so I helped and I was surprised with how very straightforward I am with my explanation and answers. Explaining how to do A,B,C, why is so and so, ask if they understand or if they have questions then next topic, and repeat. It's been really busy the past couple of weeks at work but on downtimes, I get this sudden rush of emotions. It's like they all got bottled up and as soon as I am alone with my thoughts I am bombarded with them. Feelings of euphoria or sometimes feelings that gets me down.
(06-03-2021, 03:00 PM)enoch Wrote: [ -> ]...I was surprised with how very straightforward I am with my explanation and answers.
I'm experiencing the same thing. I've also found myself speaking up for my immediate co-workers when I see unreasonable requests or when management presents conflicting direction/logic.
(06-03-2021, 04:14 PM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ] (06-03-2021, 03:00 PM)enoch Wrote: [ -> ]...I was surprised with how very straightforward I am with my explanation and answers.
I'm experiencing the same thing. I've also found myself speaking up for my immediate co-workers when I see unreasonable requests or when management presents conflicting direction/logic.
Same on those things you added. It's hard to pinpoint when did this started happening, feels natural. I was already starting to speak more and contribute more to online conferences while in stage 7 of LTU 6 (past 3 months) but this time though I am not afraid of conflict e.g. challenging someone's input while in the call with a lot of higher ranking audience. Granted that this is online, I'd like to observe if it applies in person too although just the difference between being timid in the call, not speaking unless spoken to (my previous stance) is already a huge change.
Day 5, Off
Yesterday I felt down until late in the evening when I started being extremely productive at work, felt better. Then I started winding down chatting up a few people until the girl I liked asked me how was my day to which I replied "awesome" even though in reality would've been just "good". Well it proved to be true, few minutes later the night turned around real quick, met a new person online, I was chatting up to 5 people simultaneously and one of them brought up why am I taking too long to reply and who else am I talking to. I really want to improve my conversation skills.
Laying in bed last night watching a pod cast when I had a sudden thought of another show host that was really really good with the topic at hand. I thought, I wonder what these panel think about that show host. THEN BOOM, one of the audience asked the very same question, "What do you think of [other show hosts' name] skills?". Unfortunately they were not familiar but said they will review it but holy shit, am I a clairvoyant? can this be controlled? lol. This is very USLM v3 where I was thinking of a specific song (a specific live version of it even!) while listening to radio and BOOM, the next song was that! the specific live version playing on the radio.
Today is grinding at work. I volunteered to pick up a task and making a joke about it. I thought it was an easy task but proved to be challenging. So I asked for help and we brainstormed it. Tried my suggestions but ultimately, a co-worker figured out a fix to which I'm very grateful.
I'm getting worried about my eating habit. I am normal weight for my height but I'm trying to gain muscle and become lean. I haven't gone to the gym since Tuesday. Past couple of days I have no appetite. It's now late afternoon, heavy rain outside, and I have not eaten anything. I drank a cup of coffee in the morning, a cup of protein shake and smoked a bunch. I still don't have any appetite but I feel a tiny bit of hunger but no desire to eat.
I'm really looking forward to listening to OF V3 tomorrow morning when I wake up. I don't know why I am excited, but I really feel excitement about listening to it. This never happened before.
Edit: I may also need some writing skills. I re-read my post and I think I jump from one thing to the next and back. It is a bit confusing to read. Well, writing is also another thing that I am doing more. I think if I tally my speaking and writing amount in 2020, I may have surpassed that within the first 3 months of 2021.
Maybe some part of you is excited because it is working and that means freedom for it?
(06-04-2021, 02:22 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe some part of you is excited because it is working and that means freedom for it?
Makes sense.
Day 6, On
Today went by fast. Today's theme is apathy. There was a general lack of interest in doing anything at all
No enthusiasm for games that I regularly play or concern to the people I talk to. I don't feel the usual emotions I get regarding the person I desire. Even the thought of her, feels nothing.
Saturday, June 5th, 1am. Just got home from a drink with my buddy. Went to bed and spun up my phone game. The girl I liked messaged me so we chatted for a bit until we slept.
8am I woke up but not ready to get up. I put on my earbuds and started OF v3 at 8/15 volume this time. I fell asleep and woke up 930am. I usually just lay in bed awake around this time but today I actually fell asleep again.
Got up and played competitive fps with friends for 3 hours. This was hard to do today for some reason, I just didn't feel playing today.
Around 1pm I layed down in the couch to relax and listen to a podcast. Didn't intend to but I immediately fell asleep until 5pm. I've always had trouble taking a nap (mostly lay down eyes closed and not sleeping) but this just happened so fast.
Late night I wondered, I've only spoken to my brother today and don't have the energy to chat with the girl I like or the other people I usually chat.
23 minutes past midnight right now wondering how Saturday just flew right by.
Day 11, On
Felt like crap in general the past couple of days. There were moments of euphoria where I feel freedom from anything, that I can bounce from whatever comes, that any downward spiral will pass. Most of this down feelings comes from my attachment to one particular girl I'm chatting with. On the bright side, I don't feel as much negativity from these compared to previous experiences where I would wallow in misery for long periods.
Yesterday, someone rang the door and when I opened it were 2 latina college students that's selling (for donation) me books. I looked like I had just woke up and was not in my best appearance but I did not feel any shame. I conversed with them and joked a little. They were from Dominican Republic and Mexico, staying here for 2 months through a program. My only regret is not asking for their numbers, and ask them to hang out on their free time.
It's been consistent that on my On days, I wake up early morning, play OF v3 and I get right back to sleep again. Before this sub, I'd wake up and that would be it. I can stay in bed but I don't fall asleep anymore.
I miss playing subs every day. The days off makes me long for the next cycle to start listening again.
I'd like to increase my exposure and leaning towards adding 1 day on and decrease 1 day off.
Day 18, On
Today marks the first time I've changed from the base listening schedule. Third day of listening to 1 loop. From On:On:Off:Off:Off per cycle to On:On:On:Off:Off maintaining 1 loop in the morning.
The past few days, my smoking and coffee consumption has increased dramatically. I'd like to fault my increased work load and should come back to normal in a week or two.
OF v3 has been amazing so far. I am much more carefree, much faster to move on from negativity. The impact of negative thoughts has drastically reduced. I do wonder sometimes how easy it is now and why I have let myself be stuck on these for too long in the past.
Day 29, Off
I've sticked to one loop per day in the morning until Day 27 and Day 28 where I ran another loop sometime during the day. I can't exactly remember why, I think one of them is due to feeling tired and miserable on top of doubting the effectiveness of OF v3 so I did the opposite and ran a loop lol.
Saturday I went to buy beer, I noticed the attractive cashier. She had a straight face on and just going through the motions. I didn't think much of it but when it was my turn to pay for my items, I chatted her and she lit up and was more animated. It was a nice and smooth conversation, she had some laughs and was performing the gestures/actions from our conversation that we were imagining. In the back of my head I wanted to get her number but opted not to and moved on. I remember as a teenager being intimated by women I'm attracted to, this didn't even faze me but instead felt like I had to talk to her.
I felt a lot of resistance this week. Mostly due to letting go of someone I'm really fond of talking to because lately I have been ignored or receiving late responses, cold responses.
On my next cycle, Day 31 I'll increase my exposure to 2 loops in the morning and add more during the day if I feel an urge to do so. 3 days on 2 days off. Masked track through earbuds.
If I have an urge to run OF v3 during my off days, should I follow this?