Subliminal Talk

@MegaMan thanks - good perspective

So I didn't get much out of my first day, I was still feeling unmoved. I doubled up and did two loops on my second day and my experience was much more intense. 

I don't commit to anything, or pursue goals or manifest much determination because of a fear that i will just fail anyway and dissapoint myself. I reasoned this is a useless way to approach things and it's better for me to be determined and fall short. With that attitude I managed to get a massive amount of work done. 

I'm on my second day off and looking forward to tomorrow. Will look to do two loops on two days before taking two days off this time.

I've fell off course with some self numbing activities which I won't go into on this forum. It's sufficient to say they were escapist and quite visibly shut my mind off from processing the messages of this sub. In any case I moved passed that relatively quickly and got back on the wagon. 

I want to eradicate fear totally but I sense somehow that UMS needs to be in my future. In the last couple of months, I've been promoted in my current work to a great place (albeit with not a massive pay rise), but i've also been approached by some really high paying places in which I could ply my trade for much more money. This could be just because of the level and experience I've acheived now, or because of certain trends which have made my skill set more marketable or it could be TID from UMS. For example, two friends asked me for a CV to put to their bosses, another friend recommended me for a role (i stuffed up the interview because I had a really bad virus and had self sabotaged). and just yesterday I got approached by a recruiter. 

I note also I've been thinking more about money and values and how to align them. Pursuing money alone conflicts with some very very deep religious beliefs I internalised from when I was a child. I will need to resolve what I perceive as a trade off between pursuit of financial goals and being a 'good' person or a 'spiritually-correct' person. 

It feels like there is a strange paradox to walk between these two; spirituality and money. To pursue money with out it actually meaning anything. Like the fat joyful buddha, who is abundant but non-attached. I say this point but it doesn't really mean anything real to me yet. At the same time I also have a bit of a sense that i need to work hard to ensure mine and my family's long term survival; and this includes not just money but ensuring we are in a safe place to ride out the insecurity of the coming decade. 

Survive the 2020s sub Shannon?