Cycle 25
Day 3/4 (102 days in)
3 loops hybrid trickling stream 3 days on 1 day off
Feeling a huge sense of not caring about my introversion as it feels like a choice now rather than a sense of fear. I also accidentally rand 4/4 days on with no breaks and it didn’t impact me too badly. Although it’s not something I should be doing too often.
I have this sense that my desire to excel at my job is coming from a place of fear. Originally it was a fear of not being converted to full time or a fear of not being good enough for the job. Once the sub got through those fears and realizing im not bad at my job, it’s like I reverted to something calmer but not unproductive. I still do my work as needed but i am more relaxed and don’t feel the inclination to go above and beyond what’s required.
Cycle 26
Day 1/4 (104 days in)
3 loops hybrid 3 days on and 1 day off
I realized since the fear is gone, i basically have to use my logical brain in order to not get myself in shit situations again. I feel the temptation of sleeping with one of my friends who is in a weird relation with her boyfriend and I have to wrangle in my penis in order to make myself not do it again. I used to not want to do this type of shit because of a fear of blowing everything up and hurting everyone involved. Now that the fear is gone I basically have to use my rational brain to force myself to not fall into the trap again.
I’m glad DMSI is going to be worked on, it would great to see how the new tech Level and additions would make it achieve it’s stated goals. I’ll be following the journals once it comes out.
Had a catch up with my friend who I had onetius for the interaction is markedly different. Compared to last year, I’m markedly more vulnerable and willing to share more of myself while not being afraid of being rejected. Last year it was entirely about her and I never talked about myself.
Cycle 26
Day 3/4 (106 days in)
3 loops of hybrid trickling stream 3 days on and 1 days off
Looks like the sub started to tackle the mountain of fear I have regarding intimacy, sex and women. I had a rather strange dream of seeing a highschool friend of mine, who was noticeably better with women than I was, having sex with women. It’s a really weird dream of my just being passive and not taking any action. It’s almost simultaneously tackling my fear of action and old insecurities at the same time.
Cycle 27
Day 2/4 (109 days in)
3 loops of hybrid trickling stream 3 days on and 1 days off
My birthday passed and in that year, it made me realized how I have been neglecting my mental health and hence started focusing on it with LTU v6 and AM6 Before then. I realized that there are two new aspects of my life where I need to focus on now. My relationships and intimacy and My career. Im still figuring out where I want to go after OF v3, On one hand I want to have fun with women and focus on having more experiences in this front( DMSI, AM6 -> SM3) and my mind kept saying I really should deal with this eventually and "Rip the bandaid off" so to speak.
UMS would help with other life goals, but it makes my mind think I'm basically kicking the dating can down the street further.
Im excited for the next version of DMSI and I have high hopes for it. The previous versions worked really well for me. Notably DMSI 3.0.1 as it helped me lose my V card, Something I never thought would happen, and other fun stuff. SM has been on my mind for years but I didn't have the funds nor the time to run it until recently. Been excited to try that one out as well.
Cycle 28
Day 2/4 (113 days in)
3 loops of hybrid trickling stream 3 days on and 1 days off
The internal fear of sending emails to coworkers when they weren't picking up the slack. I used to have a ton of reservations in doing so but now I can act despite it. We both ended up clearing the misunderstanding and I'm less mad now.
Cycle 28
Day 3/4 (114 days in)
3 loops of hybrid trickling stream 3 days on and 1 days off
Easing my way back into the gym. Its been about a month or so since i took my break. I started PPl and it absolutely drained my energy and leaving me sore as all hell.
It also seems like with the removal of fear allows me to process events that has happened in the past naturally. I noticed this as I had instance of shame hit me and instead of recoiling from it, I guess I accepted the feeling. It left me with a subtle but unsettling feeling that I had to briefly sit with and focus on processing.
Cycle 28
Day 4/4(115 days in)
3 loops trickling stream 3 days on 1 day off
I noticed that I sent to overestimate the amount of time to do something in order to avoid difficult or confusing work. My boss asked me if I had some time to do a task for him and it wasn’t quite the emergency like it was the first time so I responded by saying I’m stacked with stuff to do since it’s the busiest part of the month. A few minutes later, I automatically asked him about it and began helping him out: It was just about as confusing as I thought it was But I survived. After I left the office that day, I realized I was probably trying to avoid something and my work in really could be sped run if I really put my mind into it as I did before.
Cycle 30
Day 3/4( 123 days in)
3 hybrid loops 3 days on 1 day off
Cycle 31
Day 2/4( 126 days in)
3 hybrid loops 3 days on 1 day off
Definite change in how I view myself and my skills as a photographer. My sister has been pushing me to expand my experience with photography as a side hustle. Every time she has, my response has been that of fear. I have been fearful of not being good enough to move beyond where I am now, especially with how long I have been hiatus for. This time around, my fear has been lessened to a noticeable degree, enough to accept a job to assist the photographer who is in charge of the a project for the a segment of the newspaper.
The urge to run away was still there but despite that, I was able to accept the job instead of running away. A significant improvement.
update on the job, the photog left me a glowing review and is excited to work with me again. Logically it should be surprising because it is completely within my comfort zone and I have a ton of practice. Yet some part of me wants to downplay this experience.
Cycle 37
Day 3/4 (150 Days in)
Honestly lost track of time and loops. There are multiple cycles where I would just run it without rest days. I noticed that I reverted to a natural balance for myself where I have my time alone getting lost in books or whatever and having a good time with close friends. I'm also getting restless with the program where I feel like I'm not getting much out of it anymore and looking to work on my dating life.