Subliminal Talk

Going to write the results of this so far though I'm not expecting to be writing as much. As all things with me have been resolved over the last few months my interest in having a journal is practically nonexistent. 

Fear is practically gone at this point and my PTSD is gone as well. I also have a thicker skin as it were to the point where is people get pissed at me or try to say shit at me to try to hurt me it just reveals their own insecurities. They are promptly ignored. Its like I might try to see if I feel something but its just this empty feeling and its like I'm just analyzing why they said that and it usually is down to their own faults and insecurities. Their need to "feel" good at the expense of another. With that knowledge it just seems like I laugh it off and don't take it personally. For those that have known before this is a total 180 from the way I was. In accordance with this I also just don't give a damn about what people think anymore. The unnecessary anger and hatred are gone from my life. I just realized it was a waste of time, was doing more harm to myself than to the people it was aimed at and most importantly that if you are holding on to a deep seated anger someone then you most likely fear them and fear is weakness. So I choose not to be weak anymore. Weakness and strength are a choice and you have no one else to blame for your current status in those categories.  I am reminded of a quote by Confucius:

"Don't wish ill will on another, the ill will will corrupt you"

Its interesting when I try to analyze myself I kind of loose interests because I know there is a difference but it has felt like I've been like this way for quite a while and its just normal. This new normal has lead to a new situation of why I admit now I don't like dealing with people all the time (don't mind dealing with them if I have to as I have no anxiety whatsoever, just a preference). I just don't like dealing with them now because most of them give into fear so easily and don't even realize it. They give into this weakness and don't even try to get out of it. They rather live in their comfortable place in life afraid of even taking a few steps forward. I've found for me its the opposite now. For some reason instead of situation where I would feel fear I feel things like excitement, slight happiness, or my analyzation side comes out. Those are my typical responses now. 

As far as daily life it is good now. I do notice I am stuck somewhere in-between those two states Shannon mentioned when talking about what would happen when your close to done. I'm between "clean slate" and "feel totally confident ,etc". Its mostly clean slate with some aspects of motivation and confidence (its more like an calm confidence). I have motivation for most things its just for some things (studying calculus right now for example) I might need to install some more as its obvious that fear motivated me before and now it doesn't. The lack of fear has also made my past an non issue now. It is simply a reality (out of many) I choose to experience and now I'm done experiencing that reality. There is nothing saying I have to keep on experiencing the same reality over and over simply because my past was like that. Its to the point that I rarely even think about the past or it "feels" like it happened to someone else since i'm so emotionally disconnected from it. I have already forgiven everyone who has wronged me in the past and made my peace with the past. It is a non factor now. 

I can still feel anger though rarely. Its only if I feel someone is going overboard on criticizing me then I might let them have it if I choose so. I'm not going to let someone take my reaction of not taking them seriously as their insecurities show think that means they can just keep yelling at me or worst. That I will not stand for and they better be ready to see a certain side of me I rarely show and I've heard is scary quite frankly as people aren't used to me showing anger. I've only done that once so far (today actually) where my mother went too far and interestingly decades worth of stuff just came out of my mouth and it felt like an weight was lifted off of me (one of the lasts). Everything is out in the open now and that's for the best. Interestingly I know in the past I would be feeling guilty or ashamed to a degree for showing that emotional side of myself but I feel none of that now. I realize now more than ever that these emotions are a part of me as well and this idea that its weak or bad for me to express them (within certain contexts) is just plan bad advice I was getting. 

Lastly, I can say with certainty that I know the why of what goes on inside my mind. My thoughts are so uncluttered due to lack of fear that I can think very clearly and I can even ascertain my motivations behind why I do something. There is no BS I tell myself anymore. I am truthful to myself and I know exactly for what and why I'm doing something within seconds of analyzing myself. This is why I sound pretty certain in this post of what is going on. Its like I just know and trust myself at this point. There is no "conflict" in me anymore as internal conflict is useless to me. People who constantly have conflict within themselves don't get what they want in life as they aren't even sure what they want to begin with.  

I will say in closing whatever Shannon did in that last discovery was it for me. I feel I am pretty much there as that last upgrade seemed to be the tipping over point for me. Actually looking forward to what other decent subs come out that have this tech as well as I seem to be executing just fine now.

Very cool, your results on your last few programs have been great.

I had some thoughts about not wanting to be around people from my own experience. A few years ago I thought I just didn't want to socialize or be around people and eventually I realized that I did want to, but it was my own trauma making me feel like I didn't want to, that I just wanted to stay home and such.

Now i'm pretty social, before the covid restrictions I was more social than I had been in years. Getting back to it again as things have opened up alot and that brings me to the next point similar to what you've said.

The last year or so has really showed me what some people are like, the ones who buy into all the fear from the media and lies being told to us, and who parrot the same brainwashing that is constantly being thrown at us in recent times. On a positive it has also made it much more obvious the people who think for themselves and i've found more people on my wavelength than before, and even have a couple of groups of people to hang out with, one of the groups coming from connecting about what's been going on in the world and having similar viewpoints.

It's really increased the gap between the people who are stuck in fear and follow everything they are told, and people who think for themselves and choose to do their own thing despite all the bullshit. Which is where I do identify with your point, the first kind of people i've become more turned off by and don't want to associate with. So i'm glad i've found people on the same wavelength.

But I can imagine on OF this would be even more so the more you overcome fears. Eventually i've found that the stronger you get in yourself, the more you will naturally attract people on the same wavelength, and there are good people out there who are similar, but it might take a while to find that.

Amazing results!

What is your listening setup?

@Benjamin Yeah, you are right. It was the same for me of staying to myself due to my trauma.. now though I don't give a shit either way. I become social naturally when I want to and I stay to myself when I want to. The Thing its no more extrovert or introvert for me, its just do what I want. So I guess the "freedom" I have gotten by destroying fear has paid off. I will say though once I get this computer science degree I probably will be more and more focused on that as I want to get my work on AI done. Also I just as I said just feel like so many of these people are just so fearful about this or that and some don't even realize it.

@London1 Hybrid, 2 loops each time with 1 day break. Honestly at the end of the day just either follow the instructions or do what you feel lead to do. I feel like too many on this forum (not talking to you now just people in general on this forum) are too concerned with whether they have the right specs on their sound system, etc, etc. Just see that it has the HRZ required to play ultrasonic and is stereo.. besides that just run the sub as instructed or as you are lead by your subconscious. People on here need to stop overanalyzing this. Just set it and forget it.

Well, funny enough today I felt the way I usually do now while having OFv2 running in my head but it was my first day back to work since being a big sick, this is after all the aforementioned changes. I actually saw I decent looking women walking across the street and literally considered going to talk to her. As in seriously considered doing so. Only reason i didn't was because I was still on the clock for my job and I was still wearing part of my uniform for my job. So I don't think that would have went over too well and it wasn't that important. Interesting as well is just that that was the first time I even considered talking to a women out of interest since all these changes. To be honest most women are just "meh" or "ok" for me now. I think the fear was making me needy to a degree but now I can just see that a women looks decent but somehow I find most are worthy of me anyway. If all they have is their looks then what's the point? I future career and work I will be doing in the field is worth more than just someone who won the genetic lottery. There has to be something else.

In line with this and somewhat touched upon with what @CatMan said about DMSI in the discussion journal (regarding losing interest in chasing women, etc) I believe I have come to realize why when someone is on OF they seem to be less and less interested in women. I think its because of a certain fear pressure on this need to procreate. Obviously there are certain fears society puts in us that increases this neediness for sex, etc but I think there are some natural things as well. Obviously for men there is the testosterone that increases hornyess quite a bit for some of us but I think there also might be this fear motivation of "I need to have sex to pass on my genes" that is below the surface that adds to it as well. That combined with some society installed fears (fear of losing out, being a virgin, etc, etc) makes some guys just so needy for it that they are willing to cuck out quite a bit. I was thinking about this due to watching a documentary the other day due where they were touching on evolution and reproduction. They did talk about this one fly that once it reaches adulthood it only has 2 days to mate until it dies. Obviously having that short of time would produce some type of fear around "I need to do this now or else" and you see this in quite a few animals,etc the lengths males will do to get a mate.

Obviously humans live quite a lot longer but there might still be this fear that adds to the pressure of having sex as soon as possible. I think since OF is supposed to deal with all fears and eliminate them then it might be taking care of this fear that creates an urgency to have sex. I don't know who else it was but I know on OFv1 there was someone else around here who said they really weren't as interested in women much anymore while they were running it. Anyway, that is the theory I have at the moment. Right now I know I'm not really in some hurry like I would have been to be in some relationship. That women was the first one in a while that I saw that I was even thinking of talking to since something about her peaked my interest.

Well, interesting turn of events. I got rid of the whole "you can't tell me what to do" resistance. Funny, the most obvious thing just clicked internally for me. Society and others have been indoctrinating me to think in certain ways (many not helpful and actually harmful) since I was very young and I had no choice in that really. Now I have  choice to actually install beliefs and attitudes that I want and I want to pull the whole "you can't tell me what to do" card? lol. After I came to that rather painfully, obvious conclusion its like something just released in me. So seems like I don't have that type of resistance anymore which should make this and all future subs a lot more effective.

I do really feel like a totally different person. As I alluded to before it feels more like the "clean slate" type of state with a bit of positivity to it. The only problem I have is even though I'm more motivated now to do somethings, for others things I'm just not as motivated. It feels like for those things fear was the primary motivator and with that gone i'm not as motivated. Well, I suppose that will be more fixed once i start running a new sub down the loan to start installing new beliefs instead of just getting rid of fear.

I have realized something else. It has to do with the idea of Nietzsche's concept of "will to power" compared to another academics idea of "will to survive". I think this is pertinent to this sub due to my own personal experiences. I would say both concepts are correct though with a certain twist. It seems to me those who have lots of fears only have a "will to survive" and those that have very fear or willing to practice "self overcoming" (Another Nietzsche concept) have the "will to power". I have already noticed this that as the fear is basically eradicated I start having this feeling of wanting more power and deserving the best things in life. As if it were my right to do so.

Lastly I think I get what @Shannon said about the Matrix being closer to reality than we think. Its hard to explain but I have these vary surreal moments where it feels like the laws of this world aren't as hardline as we might think. That it feels like with our own beliefs that we can kind of "tweak" the code that this reality runs on. Hell, I've already gotten this sense that as my beliefs have changed that I'm noticing that my external environment or what happens in it seems to have changed. Case in point my mother and I eventually talked. Everything that needed to be said was said about the last 2 decades which also included her actually apologizing. Will see how things go from here but this is actually promising and means basically a lot of things have gotten resolved. It only happened because the fear was lessened to a degree that I wasn't afraid to yell back at her. That's when I realized something, if you yell at her she literally is a push over. Like she mostly relies on something that I remember @Shannonsaid regarding his mother. She relies on using a certain look, expressions, etc to automatically get a shameful, fearful, guilty, etc response out of the person. Once you don't give in though and actually push back she has nothing at all and she folds easily. Eh, makes me realize at the end of the day she is the coward really who just talks big but has nothing to back up anything.

Amazing report!
Which sub would you say contributed more to your clean slate
OF or E4?

(01-19-2021, 02:35 AM)Rusty Wrote: [ -> ]Amazing report!
Which sub would you say contributed more to your clean slate
OF or E4?

Hmmm not sure, felt like a progression. Obviously I first started noticing results with OFv1, then E4 push that further and then OFv2 has probably pushed it the most. Thing is even though the tech upgrade for OFv2 was a major turn around for me I did like E4 for the fact that it not only was removing stuff (Fear, guilt, shame, etc) it also was installing stuff to make you feel good. Not that I don't feel good most of the time now but every once in a while it feels "weird" or "empty". I have a theory as to that. I think whatever minor fears are left over keep on trying to be strengthened by overlapping fears but some of those overlapping fears are no longer there drawing my attention to those empty spots where they should be there. To use an example think of how individual threads in a spider web are connected to lots of other threads to strengthen the entire web. Now what happens once some of those threads start to disappear? I'm sure the web can still hold itself together after missing a few threads but it starts falling a part once too many are missing. 

I do admit this does make me glad to eventually jump on are sub in probably a few months that actually installs more stuff instead of just removing stuff. The empty feeling is nice and refreshing sometimes but others times it feels kind of weird. I do think as well there might be a secondary reason as well. That the sub has removed a certain thread that was central to my previous identity and once that thread was removed it feels "empty". That would make sense to a degree as I have not played any games in a few days or watched any porn. Porn was already heavily on the decline these last few months, games I was already starting to loose interest in though I kept on playing them but now I just don't feel like doing either. I also kept on having this nagging feeling to stop talking to these guys I talk to on PlayStation chat. They aren't bad guys it just feels like they have no aspirations in life. One just works at a gym and then comes home to play games all the time. The other is a cool guy who likes talking about science ,etc but works regular jobs and smokes pot all the time. I don't know I just feel like while I've been making all this progression that I just want to hangout with people who have more ambition. I mean I've talked to them about my plans to get a second degree in computer science and possibly a masters degree at one of the big universities online (Harvard, Columbia, Virginia tech, Georgia Tech,etc) but besides a kind of "good luck" it seems like they really aren't interested in really going anywhere high in life. 

Funny enough I've also had the feeling of finding some outside hobbies lately that I can do regularly to get outside the house. Who knows, maybe hiking or something. My sex drive really isn't an issue anymore. Its like sex, is just sex and isn't some big deal in my mind anymore. Its probably why besides maybe a cursory glance to recognize a women is attractive I don't really care all that much. I feel like I have way more important things on my mind such as getting my degrees and getting the kind of pay and life I deserve. With that in mind in the coming months I'm actually looking more forward to running UMSv2 or MLSv2(This one especially since I should be starting my second degree on March 1st) if they come out then DMSI. I might run DMSI eventually just for fun but that's it. I feel like I have way more important things to do than chasing women. 

In other news I woke this morning to something in my head feeling very, very threatened. I don't know what it was but it maybe me feel somewhat sick to my stomach. Despite that I basically said consciously that I'm not going to run away and that I will change. Soon afterwards it change to a feeling of somewhat sadness and lost and then I was back to normal. No idea what that was. There is one other thing though not sure if its related at all. I think I might need to change my loops to 1 instead of 2 like I've been doing. Reason being that after I made that painfully obvious decision of stop using "you can't tell me what to do" the very next day when I listened to loops during the second loop it felt like my mind was getting annoyed as in "Ok, I get it already I'm executing". Maybe since that resistance is gone my mind doesn't need as much input possibly. That or perhaps I had the volume up to high. Eh, either way I might try it. 

Anyway, besides that not much else to report. I just realized though while typing this that the reason the empty feels a bit jarring at times is probably because it feels like I'm simply existing. No negative thoughts going around in my head a lot and only positive thoughts every once in a while. It makes me realize that fear had become a very foundational part of my old identity. Without it it seems very empty.

(01-19-2021, 07:15 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-19-2021, 02:35 AM)Rusty Wrote: [ -> ]Amazing report!
Which sub would you say contributed more to your clean slate
OF or E4?

Hmmm not sure, felt like a progression. Obviously I first started noticing results with OFv1, then E4 push that further and then OFv2 has probably pushed it the most. Thing is even though the tech upgrade for OFv2 was a major turn around for me I did like E4 for the fact that it not only was removing stuff (Fear, guilt, shame, etc) it also was installing stuff to make you feel good. Not that I don't feel good most of the time now but every once in a while it feels "weird" or "empty". I have a theory as to that. I think whatever minor fears are left over keep on trying to be strengthened by overlapping fears but some of those overlapping fears are no longer there drawing my attention to those empty spots where they should be there. To use an example think of how individual threads in a spider web are connected to lots of other threads to strengthen the entire web. Now what happens once some of those threads start to disappear? I'm sure the web can still hold itself together after missing a few threads but it starts falling a part once too many are missing. 

I do admit this does make me glad to eventually jump on are sub in probably a few months that actually installs more stuff instead of just removing stuff. The empty feeling is nice and refreshing sometimes but others times it feels kind of weird. I do think as well there might be a secondary reason as well. That the sub has removed a certain thread that was central to my previous identity and once that thread was removed it feels "empty". That would make sense to a degree as I have not played any games in a few days or watched any porn. Porn was already heavily on the decline these last few months, games I was already starting to loose interest in though I kept on playing them but now I just don't feel like doing either. I also kept on having this nagging feeling to stop talking to these guys I talk to on PlayStation chat. They aren't bad guys it just feels like they have no aspirations in life. One just works at a gym and then comes home to play games all the time. The other is a cool guy who likes talking about science ,etc but works regular jobs and smokes pot all the time. I don't know I just feel like while I've been making all this progression that I just want to hangout with people who have more ambition. I mean I've talked to them about my plans to get a second degree in computer science and possibly a masters degree at one of the big universities online (Harvard, Columbia, Virginia tech, Georgia Tech,etc) but besides a kind of "good luck" it seems like they really aren't interested in really going anywhere high in life. 

Funny enough I've also had the feeling of finding some outside hobbies lately that I can do regularly to get outside the house. Who knows, maybe hiking or something. My sex drive really isn't an issue anymore. Its like sex, is just sex and isn't some big deal in my mind anymore. Its probably why besides maybe a cursory glance to recognize a women is attractive I don't really care all that much. I feel like I have way more important things on my mind such as getting my degrees and getting the kind of pay and life I deserve. With that in mind in the coming months I'm actually looking more forward to running UMSv2 or MLSv2(This one especially since I should be starting my second degree on March 1st) if they come out then DMSI. I might run DMSI eventually just for fun but that's it. I feel like I have way more important things to do than chasing women. 

In other news I woke this morning to something in my head feeling very, very threatened. I don't know what it was but it maybe me feel somewhat sick to my stomach. Despite that I basically said consciously that I'm not going to run away and that I will change. Soon afterwards it change to a feeling of somewhat sadness and lost and then I was back to normal. No idea what that was. There is one other thing though not sure if its related at all. I think I might need to change my loops to 1 instead of 2 like I've been doing. Reason being that after I made that painfully obvious decision of stop using "you can't tell me what to do" the very next day when I listened to loops during the second loop it felt like my mind was getting annoyed as in "Ok, I get it already I'm executing". Maybe since that resistance is gone my mind doesn't need as much input possibly. That or perhaps I had the volume up to high. Eh, either way I might try it. 

Anyway, besides that not much else to report. I just realized though while typing this that the reason the empty feels a bit jarring at times is probably because it feels like I'm simply existing. No negative thoughts going around in my head a lot and only positive thoughts every once in a while. It makes me realize that fear had become a very foundational part of my old identity. Without it it seems very empty.

You seem to be a very deep thinker and very go getter, i like that it is a very good quality which most millionairs and highly achieved people(such as shannon) have.

I totally relate with the part of what you said about E4, i still run it as of now it's my 4th month, and i do notice that
not only i fear less, i am also in a better mood most of the time and i respect myself much more than i used to.

about the people you used to hang out with, it's totally fine to change your environment if you feel they are average and under achievers (if they play games all day they probably are) and you feel like you can connect better with people like us who have ambitions and goals in life.

About the thread analogy, it is a pretty interesting one. if it's actually works like that, maybe some threads are usefull in order to motivate you? like let's say someone is fearful that he may never be anything in life, maybe the fear in that case is useful to fuel him to maximize his potential and go after what he really want?

i think that fear is very complex and so, not sure if it's entirely possible to remove ALL fear
but what i think is possible for the program to do is to remove the fear that is caused by situations that are not really dangerous ie: fear of public speaking or fear of talking to someone new(fear of judgement).


also i wonder how much fear does E4 reduced in compared to just Overcoming fear, i know that it suppose to remove only the fear that gets away with emotional healing, but maybe that's all the necessary fear i should remove?

no idea

Quote:my PTSD is gone

Wow! I seem to remember that EPRHA was the recommended sub for PTSD, and I am sure it’s still a good option, but at this point I wonder if OF is a better choice for that.

@Rusty About the fear motivation oh I'm sure there are some fears that push people to do productive things. I believe Shannon has mentioned this a few times where people report lacking motivation because it was fear motivating them to do things before. In the end its probably much better to find a better motivation. Yeah fear might be helpful then but its not easy to control and can keep on propagating itself in ways that to the point it becomes unhelpful and hindering. Not to mention there's been a few examples around here where the fear might have been helpful in a certain situation but once that situation has passed it starts to hinder the person. I think the example that comes to mind is an example Shannon used regarding the weight loss program. It was where some women when younger was getting molested by a relative. Her subconscious because it fear this started eating a lot to gain weight and make herself look unattractive to protect herself. Problem is once she was no longer around said relative having that weight became a hinderance and part of her refused to let go of the weight because it still "feared" what would happen if she was attractive again.

As for today, things went relatively well. Had to take an Uber today to work but it was fine. The Uber ride back especially was interesting as I had an conversation with the driver with no social anxiety or fear at all. Was quite enjoying the conversation. Before I would have been hesitant to say much with being fearful of what I might say, etc. No such issue. Decided to tip the guy since it was a very enjoyable conversation. I find more and more as well I can't really stand much of people's complaining or negativity. If it's just them being playfully negative (like a co-worker is telling me some funny negative instance that happened to them on the job) then its fine but if its just straight up negativity I just don't like it and remove myself from the situation. Don't know why but find it just annoys me and does nothing.

Still can't really play in games. Its like I look on the screen to my PS4 and the games I have just don't interest me anymore. Feels like I have better things I could be doing. I don't think people realize just how big this is. I've been playing games since I was a kid at about 5-6 years old. Back then was playing Sega Genesis then got my real first console with an N64 (my brother had the Play station). I was pretty much neglected as a kid so pretty much was left on my own and as my external environment got worst I believe I just got myself more and more involved in these fictional worlds (video games, reading fantasy books,etc). Over the years I had lost a little bit of interest in games though that's only due to many video game companies being complete crap and more interested in how to monitinize a game instead of making the game actually good for the consumer then when said consumer complains the company and directors just blame the consumers (< never thought I would see the day when this would be the norm for a lot of companies in many industries now). Thing is it seems a major fear has been dealt with and the fact that this one has been dealt with means the sub is at least dealing with deep fears from when I was 5-6 at this time.

Assuming that OFv2 might deal with more recent fears first then reach further and further back to older and more foundational fears then this might explain the new slate type feeling as I'm assure I was still developing some foundational stuff back at that age. I also still feel no connection to my previous company. Sometimes I think I might just open a party on PSN chat and talk to them but then it just feels like "why"? I just don't really feel a connection with them anymore. Sure they might have been entertaining to a degree but you need more in life than entertainment. You need purpose, meaning and goals that actually make life worth it. Its obvious to me that they are too afraid. They rather just live in their comfortable, meager existences and achieve nothing of importance in this world. It actually reminds me of a quote from Teddy Roosevelt (arguably one of the most go getter people you have heard of) that I had read many, many years ago:

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

I did just remember something else touching on the video game topic. That I forgot which E-book it was but I remember reading part of it. In one section is was trying to argue that avid videogame playing (along with a few other choices of entertainment) are basically the realm of the beta. I don't think he was saying playing every once in a while was bad but that most betas try to get the "feeling" of being alpha and masculine through some fictional character in a fictional world or try to be "competitive" in such worlds instead of showing those attributes in the real world. Probably because they are fearful of acting out those alpha like traits in the real world or think its too difficult but doing it in some fictional world that doesn't really matter is ok. Alphas are on the other hand too busy actually doing stuff that actually makes meaningful difference to their lives to be wasting time on stuff that doesn't really matter.

Lastly, still been thinking about my future plans. I will definitely be running UMS and MLS. As mentioned if it comes out before March 1st I will definitely be running MLS for a good time while I finish my Computer Science degree (then in the future Masters degree). Eventually I will have to run UMS as I do want to do research in the area of AI and research means funding. Rather be quite wealthy myself instead of having to rely on funding from corporations and being answerable to them. Also rather own all the rights to my inventions. I will definitely being trying to save up enough money to leave the US back to China by some time in early march. I rather not be here when a currency crisis happens. Funny thing about that though is that when I was warning about a possible currency Crisis since like 2008 a lot of the people I knew were in denial. I could show them all the numbers of why it would happen along with the outrageous money printing yet they would just say "That's not going to happen here", etc, etc. Funny how now some of those same people are saying to me "Hey, maybe you were right that something was going to happen" smh. I swear you could draw people graphs, charts and show them the numbers that something is unsustainable and is going to have bad consequences in the future but they won't believe you until the situation is practically on top of them.

Just wanted to say thanks for posting such detailed updates. Since you're updates I've been experimenting with number of loops, and since you mentioned you're doing 2 loops I tried that as well. For theast few nights 2 loops has been working out really well, so thanks again.

@fab10 eh, it was more a progression. OFv1 I the symptoms stopped for a while then came back (I assume the fear might have just regrew itself) but I notice I would get symptoms but after I feel those symptoms they wouldn't bother me as much, then on E4 it got significantly better with symptoms happening even less and when they happen I care even less. Finally on OFv2 they just stopped really.

@Bayern Glad I could help out.

Eh, well I should be getting things setup so I will be doing Uber or something similar on my days off from the regular job. I just don't like sitting at home right now while I could be doing something productive. Video games don't interest me much anymore nor mindlessly watching youtube videos. I also as I mentioned before just want to get out of this country and get to work somewhere else while I finish my second degree. I have also made 2 other major decisions. First off If I'm not able to go back to China with my next attempt with the Embassy and the restrictions don't get lowered by early March I decided I'm going to Jump ship and just get a job in Korea then. Getting back into China as an US citizen is becoming too much of an headache.

Secondly, I will be going into a Masters degree in Computer Science soon after I get my second Bachelors. I will be aiming to get into the online programs for one of the major universities (Harvard, Columbia, Stanford, Virginia tech,etc). I just want to make sure if I end up having to work for someone or if I can get a remote job right off the bat its going to be high paying, like Six figures territory. That way I can make an six figures American Salary (hopefully by the time i'm out of the program the currency crisis will be over) and I can still make bank while living cheaply in Asia.

If the Currency crisis isn't resolved by the time i'm out of the program then another option is to work in another English speaking country making good money (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, UK, Dubai) or I might work remotely for a company in those countries. I'm sure if I get an Ivy league degree I will have plenty of recruiters offering lots for a position. Anyway, that is the plan for now. Probably keep trying to get into China but if i'm not able to then just head to Korea and have my stuff shipped there. If possible going to try to work at a Public school as I should get low hours similar to my current position.

I don't know but I've just had more of the feeling to work hard and improve my life at this time. I almost have this feeling that I might in the future be moving towards a workaholic phase which I don't mind. Its gotten to the point that I'm not even interested in having normal relationships really. Honestly after dealing with this fear it I don't even care if I get married anymore nor have children in the future. If I get very financially wealth I just wouldn't mind going to mistress route, etc. Just to have someone who lives with me who I can have fun with occasionally and sex. That's about it though. I'm going to be too busy with research and development in the future to be dealing with someone else's emotional issues or problems. Some guys might want that really deep emotional connection which I'm fine with in a relationship but its not my main priority. My main priority is my goals and work. 

Lastly, there is something that is going to be hard to explain. It just feels like there is something in the background pushing me in a direction and changing my protectory in life. It feels like everything around me is changing or perhaps just my perception of everything around me is changing. Old things are passing away for me and seems like a new reality is coming into my life prompted by actions due to my new beliefs that the sub has put into me or perhaps I should say lack of fearful beliefs. I find the negativity in me just isn't there and I now just dislike people who are constantly negative. I rather just be positive as negativity has gotten no one anything they really wanted in life. I believe now that the weird feeling I was getting sometimes from this clean slate feeling is gone. I think I have gotten used to and feel just fine with my new mental state.

I am done.

Been wondering for a while how I would write this next post. I feel like I have arrived at the destination to be honest (though I will keep running the sub for a while until MLS comes out).  So much stuff to go over. I feel like I have undergone some kind of spiritual and emotional awakening if I could use that phrase. I guess I should first start with the events themselves and then the affects. Interestingly you can say it all started with 2 dreams on separate nights.

The first dream I don't totally understand fully. It was just total darkness then in my mind I could see this (only way to describe it) small star fish made out of nothing but energy. It had this flashy neon jelly fish like rainbow colors of energy it was made of. It apparently it was inside of me and started sucking up all the negative energy within me. As it did this is got bigger and bigger, until it was outside my body and laid itself on my back. While this was happening I was able to see my surroundings. When it was on my back I was in a sitting position (Japanese sitting) in an entire universe. A very vibrant universe full of planets, stars, etc. I am somewhat close near a star and as I look to it I can see something floating from the right side of it towards it center, in front of it. It stops there and then turns it full body towards me. I can't make it out fully because with it being in front of the sun its darkened except a side of its face which shows its humanoid but not human. I can only tell that its feminine in nature. Not much after that.

Just like the dream though the effects was I just felt like all the negativity was sucked out of me. Completely clean slate practically. I thought that would be it but then a few days later came the other dream. I started propelling through the atmosphere until I was literally in orbit of the planet. I felt myself building up with more love and energy as I did so. I stopped in orbit and had this overflowing blue, sparkling energy radiating off of me. I sat in an kind of meditation stance while I was in orbit looking down on the world from this height. I only saw just a few others far away in orbit that were doing similar. There weren't that many people at this height. I just felt this kind of spiritual awakening within me. For about 2 days after that I felt nothing but love for myself and everyone (even those in the past that had hurt me). It actually was to the point that it felt almost debilitating because I was kind of "bed locked" as why would I do anything else when I can just lay here and feel love for myself and others.

Afterwards I still had love but it more balanced itself out. Now I still feel love and bring that feeling to the forefront if I want but now its more of a quiet, calm, peaceful confidence that is my state now. I know where I am going and I know I'm going to get there. I know the road I intend to travel and the consequences of traveling it. The reaching of my goals is inevitable. I would only take heed of what people say if (1) what they say is "true" or (2) they are saying it with complete sincerity and concern. If the latter I will explain to them why I'm not accepting what they are saying but will appreciate the concern. 

Anyway, I have this confidence that I have arrived at the destination honestly. I will of course keep on running until MLS comes out at the least. I do feel though now that I could run any sub (no matter the generation) and get the results I desire. I am also not afraid of achieve my goals of becoming wealthy and powerful. Funny enough there was at one time I would have thought that fear would have kept me from being corrupt if I became wealthy and powerful but all it did was keep me from getting anywhere near my goal to begin with. I see if you have fears opposite (love) and rationality then you have no worry of fallen into corruption. I have completely none now and am fully confident I can handle such responsibility.

As far as sexual interest there practically isn't any as much. It took me a while but I realized I hadn't even watched porn or even masturbated for like a week. Hadn't even thought about it which was surprising. I realize 
I had been using it to make myself feel better (just like with video games) because in the real world I had felt like shit. With this no longer being a case there is no longer any point in using such things. 

I realize as well there are some major things that happened that preluded me accepting the instructions of the sub. I actually realized that at one point I identified so much with the sub that I saw the instructions as coming from myself. It instructions were no longer coming from outside of me but from within. Another thing which I would say to anyone who wants really get rid of fear is are you willing to accept this real basic premise: That fear is an illusion? It was like something really went off in my head and I finally realize it was all an illusion. Tell me, does it accurately portray reality? or does it make you see things that aren't there? Does it wildly make things seem bigger than they actually are? If it doesn't tell the truth of how things are then why are you listening to it? There is one even that also happened that coincided with this revelation that I think @Shannon would be interested to know but before I get to that there is one major important thing you also need to ask. 

Are you wiling to believe what you need to believe in order to get what you (say you) want in this world? I would ask this because many of you are afraid of doing this. I bet mainly because you identity with your current beliefs so much that you see it as "you" and therefore changing those beliefs would equal the "death" of current you. You have grown attached to this version of you despite this being nothing but many potential versions of you that you have simply chosen to experience. 

Regarding the fear is an illusion thing the event that happened was quite interesting. Once I truly believed that I got this image in my mind that I can't describe. All I know was it was the lowest part of my subconscious. The one that doesn't perceive time at all had finally accepted it and it felt like it accepted it then repeated it to all parts of me regardless of time (past, present, and future) and place. Its hard to describe how it really felt like. I feel like this was the biggest turn around for me in the entire time running this sub. It does prove though that this level of the subconscious exist at least imo. I also feel as though we vastly underestimate what the subconscious is capable of. 

Either way this all was what I mainly wanted to report. I don't see much else or any other big revelations coming any time soon before I hope on the new MLS honestly. I identify with the instructions of the sub, fear is an illusion to me, and the deepest part of my subconscious has accepted the instructions. Not sure what else I could ask for. Fear does not exist in my reality anymore. I see that all the fear at the end of the day was for nothing. It was worthless and did nothing but get in the way.

I have worked since 1991 to hear someone say that. Thank you. Now I need to get more people saying it.

There is also a hint in your post that will be used to build FRM 5.0. Thank you for that as well.