Friday 9 October - Day 5 of Cycle 2
Exhausted today! its my fault but allow me to explain.
I have been as previously mentioned trying to sleep earlier and fix my sleep using natural amino acid neurotransmitters such as L-Tryptophan etc. I managed to bring my pattern from 6am sleeping and 3pm waking to around 1am in bed (Slept maybe 2 or 3) and woke at 10am.
However lastnight I ended up staying up late due to bagging up some food I had cooked for deep freeze to keep as standby during a cold winter here and also due to speaking to a girl and her cousin from the chat app about the situation with the girl that I like and how this girl (her cousin jumped on to give me advice) will help. So I ended up sleeping around 5.30am.
Woke naturally at 10 but the sub was playing so slept till 12-1 and then woke and was tired but nothing major. Was cold and lazy but once out of bed I've been nothing but super tired and super exhausted and it could be the sub or more likely the lack of sleep.
So besides the drowsy exhaustion i remembered the real reason that i am on this sub which is to see if the crashing through the window approach deals with my procrastination rather than the direct through the door approach. The attacking of fears for me is a great secondary bonus and ideally dealing with the root issues as to why im stonewalling all these subs is great but as I was reading someone's journal on OF today I read that procrastination is still a big deal for them and this brought the reminder back for me.
I do have a worry ill share which is what if it does take the full 8 months to finally execute this sub (meaning I dont jump onto UMOP3) but that that could mean it will always for now take almost a year to execute a sub. I just fear that I dont have the luxury of time to fix myself and reach all my goals. So yes this fear or worry arose in my mind today for me to share here.
I do know that UMOP3 will be a 5.75.3G sub if not more with the tech Shannon will put into it and maybe he'll suggest I stay on OF depending on my results by then or jump onto UMOP3 in the hope that that breaks my stonewalling in a quicker more brutal way. I just know im trying my best to survive but feel like a failure and non-achiever right now
It also doesnt help that I keep feeling needy when I find attraction for/ or get attention from a girl. That neediness makes me want to make them my gf straight away. I dont know why im this way. Some friends I know have fuckbuddies and fuck girls and leave whereas with me if I seem to get on with a girl and even if she was a fuckbuddy which ive never had, then i would want to feel wanted by her and have her want to cuddle me and I guess thats what it comes down to, I want to feel wanted appreciated loved and desired by every woman. Is that a bad thing I dunno
but having again been reminded of that from the current girl ive met and talked about in this journal has made me feel lousy. That she maybe wasnt so into me as I again was into here. ITs never the girls I dont like that I fall for more but the girls that I like. I end up seeing them as angels when really theyre not. Wheres my backbone? :/
addendum:
There is always something that I later realise I want to add on to here lol.
I had the desire to drink some coca cola but instead I resisted and talked to myself and said look if you take 1 sip you'll want to drink loads more as it brings you immense pleasure and comfort and joy. Instead drink water, atleast just a sip or 2 and then if the desire to drink coke is there there and go for it. There was no need to drink coca cola lol I havent still touched it and after my meal instead had a herbal tea.
Man im exhausted I want to sleep - but cant as waiting for a friend to drop a book off then ill go throw my garbage in the trash cans outside and then need to decontaminate due to going out ie clothes in laundry and I have a shower.
