Subliminal Talk

Quote:Day 119 / 210,

Time for a mid-run review.
A lot of the benefits that I've experienced from this run are a bit abstract and esoteric. I will do my best to list them here.

* As mentioned earlier, a drop in insincerity - sarcasm, irony, making my intentions muddy - and the emergence of a kinder, more earnest version of myself.
* When I'm in a meeting at work, I'm still cautious and considerate, trying to not speak out of turn - I'm only three months into a new role in a new career - but that maneuvering does not come with the feeling of worry or fear.
* A loss of dread about the future; I used to be very worried about what would happen if I got fired from my new tech job. Though my career is in its infancy, I figured that "I'll keep learning and apply to a new job". I'll be fine.
* As a metric, the time-to-act - on a needed action - is reduced. I have fewer internal discussions about it.
* I've surprisingly become less interested in dating. I thought that I would eliminate my approach anxiety and crush it at dating, but I question how much I really have in common with the women I'm pursuing, other than my physical attraction. The time and energy lost just to bust a nut with a pretty person with no common ground could be spent towards something more productive.

Quote:OFv4 was amazing. It dug deeper, faster, and with more ease than any other sub I've used. I did plateau a bit at the end and ran Aura of Love for a few weeks because I really felt that I needed to transition to that so I did. Had a few grumpy days on AOL while it was getting at something that only overcoming fear could not. Apparently, a little love can go a long way with the deep stuff. If I did not run AOL I actually don't think I'd be in a position to run Maverick as AOL got at some really ugly deep self-hatred.

The main reason I stopped journaling regularly was that I was rebuilding my health at the same time I was running OF and my healing was actually skewing my results. I arrived at the point where I could no longer tell what was resolved from fixing my diet and health and what was from the sub so I just left it on coast until I felt like I plateaued.

I am happy with OFv4, it gave me quite a bit of my life back.

Did it clear all fear in me, no. However, it got me to the point where I was no longer comfortable allowing fear to eat my lunch, and I actually think that mindset is more empowering and better than if OF "magically" cleared it all for me. I'm finally in the headspace to cooperate with OF consciously. While on AOL I processed through 2 major traumas in my life and cleared them. I'm freer than I've been in a loooong time.

It took 8 months in total but it was worth it. I've rebuilt quite a bit of confidence and am ready to take responsibility for my fear response and anything that might come up in the future. I'm not sure I'll do another run of OFv4 or not. I guess we'll see how Maverick goes.

All in all I think OFv4 is worth running.