Subliminal Talk

Feels like the beginning of something.

I can echo what others have written: this iteration of LTU is smooth. So far very easy to sleep while having the hybrid running. Calm, content, zen. More so than OF standalone. People are chatty and friendly.

Discovering and exploring a new level on the body work front.

Timeline thus far:

1. LTU 5 - (re)discovering body work; extensive learning curve
   
2. OF - fearlessly going deep into bodily tension/trauma and release
   
3. LTU 6 - deep release and physical reboot ?
   

Ever since starting this LTU I have had anxiety peeking through into my conscious awareness at least once a day. This never happened on OF.

I can do very deep body work sessions with this LTU version. I am able to trigger and release bigger and more sophisticated (chains of) tension knots.

LTU is starting to feel good.

Lots of physical release. So much, that I can almost watch my physique change. So much tension stored in the past thirty+ years. Slowly I can see the final state of this part of my body work emerge in the distance. After that I can begin to properly train and maintain my body.

Old friends and contacts are suddenly appearing out of nowhere. As I am writing this, another one just contacted me.

Very impressed.

(08-25-2020, 10:21 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]

014

Stage 1  |  Day 14

Cycle #3

••〇〇〇〇

LTU is starting to feel good.

Lots of physical release. So much, that I can almost watch my physique change. So much tension stored in the past thirty+ years. Slowly I can see the final state of this part of my body work emerge in the distance. After that I can begin to properly train and maintain my body.

Old friends and contacts are suddenly appearing out of nowhere. As I am writing this, another one just contacted me.

Very impressed.

• • 〇 | - - | 〇 • •

I also had one old friend appear out of nowhere, in a very unlikely way.

At times I am feeling emotionally raw and exposed. Other times it feels like the onset of a depression. Then there are also sudden euphoric moments. In two words: emotionally fickle.

Flashbacks to very different parts of my past.

My posture and physique is changing. Some spots where I had bad circulation and/or no sensations (without me realizing that they are off the map of my nervous system ... in some cases for i-don't-know-how-many years) are getting tender. The pyhsical healing alone is worth its number of letters in gold. I am slowly dissolving the remains of a broken toe, a broken arm, deep cuts into fingers, spinal misalignment due to accidents, misaligned hips and knees due to accidents, jammed muscles and/or muscles fibers of different extremities sticking together ... the list goes on and on and on. Even nasty insects bites from somewhere in my distant and not so distant past reappear to be straightened out. Everything from serious injury to minor nuisance. And I don't even want to start about my fascia wedging in veins and muscles. It seems my body stored everything.

While dealing with all this physical stuff, I get flashbacks to when it happened. Sometimes I remember it, sometimes I have a vague recollection, sometimes it's completely WTF.

Emotional cleansing through physical healing.

Soundtrack of the weekend. Emotional rollercoaster.

I feel like writing, but my mind is blank. Mood swing galore.

"Not all who wander are lost."

but

"If you don't know where you are going any road can take you there."

Those two Chesire Cat quotes describe my life. Sometimes in this order, sometimes reversed. And sometimes I am adding the third quote:

"Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut."


And then the Red Queen mockingly says:

"Now here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"


In the end I mutter to myself:

"If it was so, it might be; if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't."

shrug of the mental gymnastics and understand as much as before.

It feels as if I am slowly drifting away from reality. Although I get continuously better mentally and physically, I care less and less about the world, my life, my career, my relationships, everything. It's a bit schizophrenic. I am doing a lot to improve my health, but at the same time I wish I could end this life. It's nothing new. This dichotomy has been with me for decades. Every last emotion towards this is gone, washed away, dissolved. Life is just so meaningless. And full of wonders at the same time.


Maybe I just don't want to face the decline that comes with aging.

I guess some parts of the script trigger my unconscious self a lot.

Hello unconscious self, talk to me! As it stands you won't convince me and I won't convince you, but I am tired of this game where I want to change and finally get to feel like I am on track again and you investing so much energy and creative juice to keep us distracted and safe by doing ... a lot to keep us doing nothing. The Red Queen is right, you know. It takes all the running we can do just to stay in the same place. And I am tired of this (n)ever changing same place, where we slowly rot away and the things we struggled to achive don't mean jack shit anymore and our tentative goal becomes more and more of a distorted illusion. Our window of opportunity is closing. It's a stepping stone anyway and you know it. I want you as a partner, not as an opponent. So don't sabotage us anymore. Staying the same is like being a rotting corpse watching itself fall apart while stubbornly insisting that change only brings all sorts of maladies and pain. Don't dumb us down anymore. Let us soar and climb the highest peaks, explore the most remote places, the most exciting ideas. Together.

Ever since starting Stage 2 I am experiencing severe tiredness. It's increasing from day to day. Sleep on ON days is very light and not refreshing. Sleep on OFF days is dream rich. Sleep time average from nine to ten hours. I feel totally tired only a few hours after getting up, independent of ON or OFF days. Unable to muster willpower and motivate myself.