10-16-2019, 01:40 PM
Day 14 / stage 2
I'm feeling better. I'm emotionally stable. Yesterday I had an issue with my mother. I'd loaned her some money and she'd agreed to pay it back on a specific day. She didn't, and it fell apon me to remind her about it, which I hate doing. I feel like if I had the decency to loan you anything, for that matter, you the borrower should make it a point to return whatever it is to me, without any hassles or prompting from me. Anyway, money is a touchy subject with my mother (she's a master of emotional blackmail, and uses religion to force her agendas on others) so in the past I'd let the debts go unpaid, while silently stewing in anger and resentment toward her for failing to honour her word, and myself for not standing up for myself or just telling her no in the first place. Yesterday though, I felt angry, so angry that I couldn't focus on anything else and I felt a literal gnawing feeling inside my chest until I confronted her in person and told her she owed me X amount of money and It had to be paid on the day. I felt relieved after that and got my money back. Although I'm still struggling with saying no to people and the feelings of guilt that come with it, or just speaking up when I feel I'm being treated unfairly, this is definitely a step in the right direction. There are a number of subs that I am interested in trying, but I realised that it wouldn't be a good idea to try "become a millionaire" or "develop an aura of sexiness", for example, without a proper foundation and skill set to handle those situations. I need to develop a strong sense of self before embarking on the outer and material things.
xxxxxxx
I'm feeling better. I'm emotionally stable. Yesterday I had an issue with my mother. I'd loaned her some money and she'd agreed to pay it back on a specific day. She didn't, and it fell apon me to remind her about it, which I hate doing. I feel like if I had the decency to loan you anything, for that matter, you the borrower should make it a point to return whatever it is to me, without any hassles or prompting from me. Anyway, money is a touchy subject with my mother (she's a master of emotional blackmail, and uses religion to force her agendas on others) so in the past I'd let the debts go unpaid, while silently stewing in anger and resentment toward her for failing to honour her word, and myself for not standing up for myself or just telling her no in the first place. Yesterday though, I felt angry, so angry that I couldn't focus on anything else and I felt a literal gnawing feeling inside my chest until I confronted her in person and told her she owed me X amount of money and It had to be paid on the day. I felt relieved after that and got my money back. Although I'm still struggling with saying no to people and the feelings of guilt that come with it, or just speaking up when I feel I'm being treated unfairly, this is definitely a step in the right direction. There are a number of subs that I am interested in trying, but I realised that it wouldn't be a good idea to try "become a millionaire" or "develop an aura of sexiness", for example, without a proper foundation and skill set to handle those situations. I need to develop a strong sense of self before embarking on the outer and material things.
xxxxxxx
