Subliminal Talk

(07-25-2019, 11:05 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What happened to 3 days at 1 loop per day?

I decided to do 1x3, 7x0. Two reasons: fits my calendar to a T (I have 16 days, give or take, for experiments), and also felt like something I should do - I had an urge to try such a setup; whether it's a good idea, or a less-good one, we shall see in the coming days.

I shall be revisiting this program and playing it along the modeled lines in the near future.

(07-25-2019, 11:05 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What happened to 3 days at 1 loop per day?

 For shure Once I go back on UMS,this coming Sunday,it WILL be 1 Loop for 3 days,then 7 days away as per instructed!
 USM kicked my ass so deeply when I was listening to it 3 times a day for 5 days in a row.... I Learned my lesson deeply!!
1X3,7 days away....so it shall be!!

(07-25-2019, 12:01 PM)ncbeareatingman Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-25-2019, 11:05 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What happened to 3 days at 1 loop per day?

 For shure Once I go back on UMS,this coming Sunday,it WILL be 1 Loop for 3 days,then 7 days away as per instructed!
 USM kicked my ass so deeply when I was listening to it 3 times a day for 5 days in a row.... I Learned my lesson deeply!!
1X3,7 days away....so it shall be!!

3x1, 7x0 is what you're gunning for, friend, as the models prescribed! Enjoy.


...

I guess we have something of an "instructions unclear, penis stuck in fan" situation over here.

I edited my post where I mumped up the values, to prevent future confusion.

Feeling pretty well. I think it's my second day off, next session of UMSing is due next Thursday.

Something's going on under the hood, though. Funnily enough, my musical playlist now consists mainly of: that sweet Polish sunshine and love song, haha, as well as not-quite-so-angry-but-still derp metalz by, of course, the Dark Tranquillity guys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcJfCZQJuHk

The lyrics are resonating with me right now.... very much. They're in the songs description on youtube if anybody's interested, and they're extremely good (I really sometimes wonder about DT's singer/lyricist guy... )

They also remind me of one thing William Blake wrote: "When one desires but acts not, one breeds pestilence". This also reminds me of something that creepy uncle Lacan wrote in "Directing therapy" from Ecrits, which is kinda complex, but I'll copy that paragraph next time I'm at the library and post it here. It's pretty much about how one actually and truly can only know themselves through analyzing their desires (Lacan used the term desire pretty much as a substitute for Freud's "drives"; he delineated "drives" as "unconscious desires" pretty much; take care not to confuse "desires" with "wishes", though), and then following up on them, and then analyzing again, and then seeing the next desire in line, and then following up on it, and then, etc., until and as such (at least that's how I remember it, I'll have to re-check).

Funny. Out of the blue I recalled the "If I were a rich man" song from "The Fiddler on the Roof" (I sang it extensively for some time during my conservatory days; I won't link it because I assume everyone's heard it at one point or another, lol), especially focusing on the part: "and it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong: when you're rich they think you really know" (lol!), and the very ending: "would it spoil some vast eternal plan... if I were a wealthy man!" (lol!).

This was accompanied by a rather pleasant shiver going from the inside out.

I'm also finding myself thinking of this saying we have around here, and which, for some reason, my vocal coach seems to be fond of saying, and which I would translate as: "While money does not give happiness, it's still way better to cry in an A-class Mercedes than at a bus stop". (Lol).

I'm noticing bits and pieces of what appears to be going on under the hood coming up into the conscious (professional frustrations, mostly), but it's just bits and pieces of it. It was way more noticeable in the beginning of my running UMS, and stopped occurring sometime after I felt the "cauterizing" sensations, which probably implies that the "pain relief" part of the EPHRA kicked in and allowed me to focus consciously on sunshine and rainbows whilst proceeding with whatever must be done to FRM and heal & clear.

Something's afoot. I got teary-eyed and emotional for a bit there, the pleasant internal shivering is intensifying and has become continuous, something's telling me to stick with the feelings for a while.

EDIT: it kinda feels like as if I were actively listening to a loop of UMS right now, even though I'm not.

EDIT II: also noticing a stronger presence of the auric shielding. It's like a thick, gluey "electrical" field at some distance from my physical body, which I feel the most profoundly around my appendages.

It's day 3/4 ('cuz it's midnight around here) since I listened to the 3 loops.

Smells like... execution!

Noticing wonky sensations going on in my left foot as well as around my throat. There are moments when I get a very light, bright feeling going on up to my heart, which is very welcome; it's kinda like that "cauterizing" sensation I've mentioned, but accompanied by, I dunno, a very pleasant sensation as well.

I'm also noticing that it sometimes goes up all the way to my mouth and nostrils. Feels as if I've just had a strong, refreshing mint or something, even though I haven't yet brushed my teeth, haha.

I'm noticing myself sighing in relief and feeling lighter afterwards at intervals.

I've noticed that there are several "knots", so to speak, in my subC, which are related to moments in life/sometimes even entire periods of time, when I remember experiencing anxiety and fear in response to particular sets of circumstances. Usually, in the end, nothing all that bad would happen in the end, but these "knots", so to speak, were moments when I was unable to process the cavalcade of contradictory internalized *external demands* and/or internalized *contradictory expectations* from others, with impossibly unpredictable responses by those others, regardless of whether the expectations I internalized were met or not, often with contradictory emotional responses coming from myself afterwards. These proverbial "knots" appear to have been "piling up" one atop the other from pretty early childhood as far as I can tell (no frickin' wonder my liver feels overworked!) - and no frickin' wonder they kept piling up! Very few adults I know would be able to make heads or tails of whatever the fuck was going on in these situations, let alone a little kid, and then, later - when it started seeping in into interpersonal relationships - a frickin' teenager who gets a boner every 5 minutes (that's kinda distracting )!

Goddamn, I *now* would have a clue as whatever the hell, but even then it'd be based in a psychoanalytic approach where the answer usually is: "fuck if I know, ultimately only the analysand themselves can really know what's up with them!"

Well, logically, these "knots" are so... stupid there's no point in actually untangling them. So, the way I see it: 1st, forgive myself for not being able to "deal with it", 2nd, accept whatever happened and acknowledge none of it was my fault, 3rd, treat it as a "Gordian knot", so to speak - if something cannot be untangled, just frickin' cut it in half. Maybe also in a way like in that quote from Frank Herbert's "Dune": Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: 'Now, it's complete because it's ended here.'

Apart from that, I'm getting very enjoyable glimpses, thought,, ideas and images of a life filled with glory, abundant wealth and, of course, classy women. And there are so many, so enjoyable paths that can take me there! The possibilities are virtually limitless.

Gotta trust myself/my subC to pick the best and most enjoyable ones for me.

Something's telling me "feel free to do one loop today if you feel like it", so I will in the morning.

Interesting. I actually felt kinda aggressive/alpha-male-y today, as if a part of me was all like "let's get this show on the frickin' road, goddammit!", and wants to be unleashed, and was testy about various negativities attached to fears. I went to bardic practice for the first time in about 2 weeks, and it felt good, I felt healthy, and I felt like "I've got this" as far as technique is concerned, just gotta keep at it. Normally, I'd often experience various spots of negativity whilst practicing, which usually had all the makings of "psychic attack", but now - I believe owing to the auric shield + FRM - these would come up in spots (various thoughts about various people I've had the unpleasant experience of working with, which would often be recurrent), and then they'd go all *poof*!

I also felt the auric shield *very* strongly about and hour or two after finishing my loop, it felt almost material (like a gluey-gooey substance).

I'm also kinda horny.

I'll be listening to the next loops on Thursday, as planned, but I'll do two instead of the previously planned three. I don't think there's any more call for 3 loops/day.

Some serious healing kicked in yesterday, I had to lie down every now and again to let it process (it wasn't at all unpleasant though), as well as some more FRMing at intervals between the healings (I think it was FRM, at least, as it kinda put me on edge for a bit there). Then I went to bed relatively early to sleep it off. It was all going on relatively under-the-hood, so I don't really know what was being worked on exactly.

Got a quick-n-easy but short deadline editorial gig for a couple hundred potato yesternight as well, gonna do it today (I'm actually about 1/3rd of the way there already, lol).

Going for some bardic practice as well. I might have a social gathering in the evening, but that depends on how I make it out time-wise.

It's going to be interesting to see how bardic practice goes, as I may have overtrained my core a wee bit yesterday. Still, no pain, no gain, right?

BTW., physical fitness and overall health are on the upswing over here as well. I'm actually doing some stuff that should help out in that regard a lot. The lower amount of listening time required gives me more time for such stuff, and it is very welcome.

Going for two loops tomorrow morning.

I've noticed that I'm drawn to porno-romantic songs by the Scorpions lately, lol, stuff like "Tease me, please me", "Lust or love", "Dynamite" and such. The Scorpions are so cheesy, but so awesome as well. \m/

Note to self:

it would appear that whenever I feel the auric shielding executing *hard*, it means I'm under some serious so-called "attack".

Best perform a little cleansing on the days this happens!

What makes you conclude that about being under attack?

(07-31-2019, 08:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What makes you conclude that about being under attack?

F. in. today, as I went to bardic practice, I ran into my vocal coach + a boyo she's schooling as well at the place. Felt the auric shielding going bonkers while I was there (my vocal coach has been a little bit testy with me lately as she made a big error in judgment - technical stuff - and while she's still cool and all, she's the "hates being proven wrong" type of person, and the boyo, is well, a boyo).

Also I often feel it charging up in tight, public spots - so that's not "attack" per se, but general "negativities" floating in the air, f. in. on the subway, in public transportation etc.

I guess this could imply that it becomes more tangible when required, because it has to go full-blast, so to speak. I may be wrong, but that's what I'd wager.