Subliminal Talk

It would make perfect sense that it does help. Good, I was expecting/hoping that would be the case. Carry on then.

Now I'm practicing guitar again and I'm dealing with fear. I always deal with fear when I'm trying to learn guitar, even when doing something simple. Like right now, I'm just practicing a PART of the rhythm section to Thunderkiss '65 by White Zombie (on Rocksmith) and I'm having fear kick in and make it hard to concentrate. I have no idea why that is. It's not like this is hard. It's just PART of Thunderkiss 65. I'm getting it down, albeit kind of sloppily, but still getting it and I'm dealing with fear. I don't know why.

I wonder if listening to E3 can calm me down. I'm going to try it. I'll listen to E3 and then I'll get back to practicing and see if that helps.

EDIT: This fear is ridiculous. While E3 plays, I'm going to sit with the fear and try to process it.

Try to understand it and what is causing it.

(07-03-2019, 02:58 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]I wonder if listening to E3 can calm me down. I'm going to try it. I'll listen to E3 and then I'll get back to practicing and see if that helps.

EDIT: This fear is ridiculous.  While E3 plays, I'm going to sit with the fear and try to process it.

Forgive my ignorance but I didn't pay attention to this subs release

Does E3 have FRM in it?

(07-03-2019, 03:06 PM)LiquidMind Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-03-2019, 02:58 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]I wonder if listening to E3 can calm me down. I'm going to try it. I'll listen to E3 and then I'll get back to practicing and see if that helps.

EDIT: This fear is ridiculous.  While E3 plays, I'm going to sit with the fear and try to process it.

Forgive my ignorance but I didn't pay attention to this subs release

Does E3 have FRM in it?

FRM 4.5, aimed at achieving the goals of the program.

So should E3 be able to help me?

Also, I am trying to understand these fears, but I have a hard time understanding what's causing them. Maybe it's just anxiety that I'll fail? I dunno. It's not like I'm screwing up at these Thunderkiss 65 parts. My playing's expectedly sloppy for someone who can't play anything, but I'm doing them just fine. I'm trying to figure out WHY I'd be afraid while playing. My online mentor speculates that it's because playing guitar brings me closer to my true self. I dunno if that's it though. That's just his speculation.

Welp! It's been 2 hours since I last edited that last post and 3 hours since I posted it. I'm playing again. No fear this time. So far so good!

Day 33:

Well, I'm off to not such a great start today. For one thing, a piece of me feels afraid to get out of bed and start my day for some reason.

Another thing is that I'm starting to have negative memories/feelings regarding my past again. Nothing major though, just the usual thoughts arise about my failures in the past and this sense of frustration and pain and anger coming out. Not heavily though.

I also find myself wondering if I truly deserved better than how I was treated in the end. Maybe I did but it's understandable? I dunno, but the thought of how I affected her image of me and how I was treated brings out negative emotions. Less so this time though than in the past, I should note. I'm not obsessing about it and I'm already ready to move onto something else. Still, these things still bother me to at least some extent. Hopefully, I'll be able to move forward more easily as time goes on. I'm not obsessing today, so that's a good sign.

Whenever you have thoughts or feelings that detract from your moving forward or the goals of E3, play E3!

(07-04-2019, 11:41 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Whenever you have thoughts or feelings that detract from your moving forward or the goals of E3, play E3!

Thanks Shannon. It wasn't a very big issue. I'm feeling alright now, but it is good that E3 can be used like that and trust me when I say, if I have issues with those kinds of feelings again, I'll definitely play E3, as I've been doing. Overall though, I've noticed my tendency to ruminate on the past has diminished lately. Hopefully it'll just keep getting better. I'm sure it will.

Tonight, I've been reminded of my past in a number of ways and of my past mistakes and failures. I started to feel really shitty and despite already having played E3 like 5 times today, I've decided to run the 3 loops all over again. Might be too much but I get the feeling it will help. 22 and a half minutes in, I'm already feeling better. Still not great though. My failure to come off as attractive to this woman in and of itself shames me, but the way things went down, especially how it all ended. Sometimes I feel like I can just forgive myself and move on, but other times, I just hate myself for my mistakes and failures. When that happens, I'm running E3. I'm really counting on this program to help me overcome this shitty self image I have. I really ought to find some way to make money so I can afford LTU5. That really is a goal of mine. It's looking like it'll be a long while before I can rustle up 1500 bucks though, which is a damn shame because LTU5's self esteem boosters could really come in handy lately.

Day 34: 

Feeling alright so far. Going to the pou d to pick out a new dog to join our family. Personally, I'd rather we stop getting dogs but this is a family of animal lovers and we will probably always have animals at this house. I just hope whatever dog we get can be a playmate for the cats, but that may be asking too much. Anyway, so far so good today. I listened to E3 a lot last night. Probably for the best my mind gets a chance to process all that.

I remember having a dream last night. It was a dream where I was in a VERY hostile/negative environment. These dreams are not new. What is new is that ususally in these dreams, my response is to become incredibly negative myself. Ultra violent, biting peoples' eyes out of the face, raping or threatening to rape people, killing people, sometimes even going on killing sprees, but as I've healed I've noticed myself respinding with love more and more often. Last night in my dream, I was stuck in an inescapable hostile/negative environment populated by supervillains and horror movie characters: The Joker, Leatherface, Negan, Michael Myers and the list goes on. There also heroic figures like Batman. The heroes were VASTLY outnumbered. Even the civilians were ruthless, vicious and downright predatory, to me and to one another. But what's interesting is that THIS TIME I didn't respond with threats, violence or killing sprees. I decided to be a force of love and kindness in an environment that was insanely negative and hostile. An environment that made prison look like day care, and I responded with love where in these dreams I used to respond with extreme violence and anger. This is a sign not only that a great healibg is taking place in my subconscious, but that the FRM is working, because those violent responses in my dreams were often due to fear. E3 is working on a deep level, I think.