07-29-2017, 02:06 PM
Since resuming A, it's been hurdle after hurdle. Not as far as listening, emotions, or resistance, but as far as the circumstances of life: mechanical device failure, others' demands of me, and neighborhood-wide emergencies. Put simply, rougher waters than the average week.
I've been navigating the challenges with a surprisingly positive attitude. And with far less surprising annoyance.
But it's been depriving me of sleep (logistically, not insomnia) for far too many consecutive nights. As soon as one hurdle was behind me, another appeared as I woke up (or woke me up) on the following morning. Today's been milder and a lot more restful, but the pattern's still going. Whether these have been DMSI manifestations, my perception, or just relentless coincidences, I wouldn't care to guess, but it's been a strange week nonetheless.
I'll comment more on the return to A as these distractions subside, but one likely DMSI-inspired observation that pertains to imposition: I've known for a while that the amount of trust, interest, and emotional connection that I have in any other person seems inversely proportional to the amount of expectation that they have in me (i.e. stress). This now makes me wonder if it also creates a built-in preference for being seen as low value rather than high value and if it also drives false modesty. Not that it would be prompted by everyone or even by those who desire me, but it may be prompted by those who desire things from me.
As it is, my career and life decisions have been steeped in providing what's needed before anyone's noticed that they need it -- avoiding expectation through preemption. My apologies to Cheap Trick for arguing with their hit single, but I think that I don't mind being wanted, but I loathe being needed. I'm far more comfortable accepting responsibility for my own decisions than having responsibility thrust upon me for someone else's decisions, especially decisions with which I disagree. That may prompt me to aim for less value with others than with myself, warding off the vampires (and, as collateral damage, non-vampires) with Jedi mind tricks: "This is not the blood you're looking for." And my social successes may have primarily been with those who expect little more from me than I already provide to them without being asked. At least until they start asking.
I've been navigating the challenges with a surprisingly positive attitude. And with far less surprising annoyance.
But it's been depriving me of sleep (logistically, not insomnia) for far too many consecutive nights. As soon as one hurdle was behind me, another appeared as I woke up (or woke me up) on the following morning. Today's been milder and a lot more restful, but the pattern's still going. Whether these have been DMSI manifestations, my perception, or just relentless coincidences, I wouldn't care to guess, but it's been a strange week nonetheless.I'll comment more on the return to A as these distractions subside, but one likely DMSI-inspired observation that pertains to imposition: I've known for a while that the amount of trust, interest, and emotional connection that I have in any other person seems inversely proportional to the amount of expectation that they have in me (i.e. stress). This now makes me wonder if it also creates a built-in preference for being seen as low value rather than high value and if it also drives false modesty. Not that it would be prompted by everyone or even by those who desire me, but it may be prompted by those who desire things from me.
As it is, my career and life decisions have been steeped in providing what's needed before anyone's noticed that they need it -- avoiding expectation through preemption. My apologies to Cheap Trick for arguing with their hit single, but I think that I don't mind being wanted, but I loathe being needed. I'm far more comfortable accepting responsibility for my own decisions than having responsibility thrust upon me for someone else's decisions, especially decisions with which I disagree. That may prompt me to aim for less value with others than with myself, warding off the vampires (and, as collateral damage, non-vampires) with Jedi mind tricks: "This is not the blood you're looking for." And my social successes may have primarily been with those who expect little more from me than I already provide to them without being asked. At least until they start asking.
