alpha 4

[ffaux]

I've been waking up every day angry and hurt over my ex for almost 9 months now. Can't I be over this already?

[ffaux]

Based on my experience with AM6 I recommend taking a break and then using stage 7 or going straight into stage 7. You've made good progress. AM is like building momentum in a specific direction. Shannon talks about having the internal and external reinforce each other and I think until that has happened the journey of growth is not complete. I'm planning to run stage 7 for 5 or 6 months when I'm done for this exact reason.

My experience is that each stage of AM expands me in a certain direction. Each stage is completely imbalanced because Shannon needs to implement a portion of the programme at a time so it's not overwhelming. The idea is that at the end we've expanded in every direction in various combinations such that we come out well balanced again.

To me this is just the start. There is growth there for sure in being expanded and accepting the suggestions but this is not the point; the point is change. My life is carrying momentum in a certain direction set by the subconscious beliefs that I hold. Those subconscious beliefs have a lot of inertia and are reinforced by the aspects of my life that haven't yet changed. Now that I have completed AM6 for the fourth time I see that I have some expansion left to do from stage 5 and possibly from stage 6 (we'll see) but that I've largely accepted most of AM6. Its time to see this journey through by having stage 7 reinforce the AM6 beliefs until they're reinforced by life itself.

[ffaux]

I'm disconnecting from negativity within and from negative people.

[ffaux]

I'm waking up with anxiety again. This was the reason I ran Stress Relief after AM6 round 2. I managed to stay in bed this morning until it released and I hope it will not escalate past stage 6. I think there's definitely something in my mind that clashes with the incoming programming and causing stress. I hope it will resolve itself this round.

[ffaux]

More disconnecting from victim mentality. Didn't wake up with anxiety but needed to sleep like 10 hours. Stage 5 and 6 definitely leading to a lot of change. Contemplating running all of AM6 again instead of stage 7.

[Darkness]

What round is it of AM6?

[ffaux]

What round is it of AM6?

This is round 4 for me.

[ffaux]

I can't escape these deep fears of loneliness. But today I came to aknowledge the feeling instead of trying to escape from it. When I reflect on my childhood I see that I've always felt afraid of being alone. I could never play alone and always desperately wanted to be part of a group—themes that continue to this day in adult form.

I don't think medicating with friends and women is the answer. I need to come to terms with these feelings of loneliness and stop being afraid. I need to love myself and let my love shine through. I don't know how that makes sense but it does.

[ffaux]

I feel like all of my desire to have success with women, business etc has been purely driven by ego. This is not real self-confidence. I wonder if all of the pain I'm suffering is the result of exposing the emotions behind my ego driven attempts to get self-confidence from success. In other words from extrinsically validated self-confidence. I wonder if these difficult emotions I have to face are exposed when AM6 undoes the attachment to extrinsic validation. Curious if that's what AM6 actually does.

[mat422]

I feel like all of my desire to have success with women, business etc has been purely driven by ego. This is not real self-confidence. I wonder if all of the pain I'm suffering is the result of exposing the emotions behind my ego driven attempts to get self-confidence from success. In other words from extrinsically validated self-confidence. I wonder if these difficult emotions I have to face are exposed when AM6 undoes the attachment to extrinsic validation. Curious if that's what AM6 actually does.

Yes, absolutely. I went through this exact thing. We're brainwashed to believe validation comes from external achievements and status in society, but there's another way and AM6 is showing it to you. To me it's about free will, to understand what we really want instead of what we've been told to want.

[ffaux]

It's incredible to me how much of my life has been driven by the desire to externally reinforce my belief that I'm special. I've been told I'm special all my life. Yet to every single woman I've opened my heart, the opposite was true. But I keep seeking ways to be special to women. First it was to be the ideal, the perfect husband material. This left women dryer than a desert. And naturally they got bored. Then it was being a player. Women (when I could get them) were wetter than the ocean. Except they all just used me for their own pleasure like I was a fun toy. Now my ploy is to be selective. It never ends.

It's not just with women. This is especially true in al of my professional endeavours. In a corporate environment I act as if I'm special and people take notice and treat me that way (I obviously back it up with ability and knowledge). In my entrepreneurial endeavours I must, must have an original idea and be at the forefront of thinking or I'm disappointed. It's in my behaviour everywhere in life. Even when I used to play games.

My self-worth is entirely dependent on the world acting towards me as if I am special. When people act like the opposite is true I am completely crushed. And I mean deep depression kind of crushed. Every time I break up with a woman and she shows me that I'm not special my self-worth plummets to zero. Whenever I am rejected professionally or romantically my self-worth plummets to zero.

The most special people I've met though are those who have been extraordinary yet extraordinarily humble. I hope that this is where I'm heading.

Ps. I think, given how much growth I've had to go through to get to this point, that this is a form of validation for my hypothesis that a big source of resistance for me has been the ego balancer. That seems to be where most of the growth is coming from.

[ffaux]

Stage 6 is pushing me to acknowledge something that I don't want to face. I've been trying repeatedly to distract myself and escape from my feelings by watching videos about video games. My mind is afraid to admit to something so it's trying desperately to protect me.

When I don't hide from my feelings I get pangs of anxiety and sadness. It's really difficult to concentrate because focusing on something brings my emotions to the surface. I don't know what it is that is so difficult to accept.

[ffaux]

This most important thing AM6 has done for me this round is to help me stop hating my ex. I had to turn all my non-love feelings into love feelings so I could let her go. In the past I've held on to these things for years but now before its been a year I'm starting to let it go of the worst I've ever been treated by anyone. Good stuff. Thank you Shannon.

[ffaux]

My life so far can be described as the great search for significance. A girl I went on a date with a long time ago told me I have an inferiority complex. I think she was right. My journey with AM6 has been so long because I started with no self-worth and all false ego. Everything I have done so far in my life has been motivated by this insecurity: from starting a business to wanting to be popular with girls and friends; even my addiction to games was driven by my desire to be better than everyone around me. Where to from here? Who knows. As usual when a realisation like this comes it inevitably means something has shifted psychologically because of AM6.