alpha 4

[ffaux]

I'm feeling more and more genuine. I'm going back beyond my first heartbreak that triggered my foray into PUA material and remembering who I was back then before I started putting walls up to protect myself. I'm not an alpha male though. And I don't have self-confidence. But I'm hoping this process of deconstruction is a precursor to genuine self-love and self-confidence where I love who I truly am instead of hiding it behind layers of hurt.

---

I was hurt and I became afraid to feel lest I stir up the sadness. I'm afraid to love for fear of the loss.

---

Gosh. So many feels today. I feel so emotionally raw. Realised that listening to music about love makes me feel depressed and sad about loss. I certainly have some baggage to deal with lololol

[ffaux]

I've been feeling very emotional lately. I can't listen to some music lest it triggers sadness in me. A lot of up and down. Fighting depression and sadness every day.

I'm thinking about love and wanting a girlfriend a lot. I've wanted a girlfriend since I was in primary school but I've only had one real relationship my whole life (not counting open ones) and it only lasted less than a year.

I've become aware that in a lot of places in my life I'm operating from a mindset of wanting something (business, relationships, etc) rather than a mindset of having a lot to offer. Often I just don't feel like I have anything of value to offer.

---

I want to record a gain that I've had for some time now. I am much more accepting of myself as I am. I currently suffer from frightfully low self-confidence but I am still able to talk openly about feeling emotional lately in this post. I'm hoping the self-confidence resolves itself by the end of stage 6.

[ffaux]

I feel so fucking lonely. I don't have a circle of friends that I can relax and have fun with weekly.

[D.Ace]

I feel so ***** lonely. I don't have a circle of friends that I can relax and have fun with weekly.

I wanted to reply since your previous post, but somehow I felt something that made me to refrain from doing so.
As I've had experienced a depression period myself, I would say that you're not alone, pal.
I believe it's not that you don't have any friend or anyone to go out with or to talk to that makes you feel lonely even if it feels so.
It's an old game of the mind to hold you in the downward spiral.

You might want to consider something that might be not your thing, like joining a club, attending a seminar, or randomly meet anyone new.
Doing something new or old one that you've abandoned for quite a while would be some alternative too.
The odds are there to find some real people to be around with.
I understand that it feels hard to do something out of what you've been doing since those negative feelings started to creep in. But in my opinion, it's just a shell created by your mind to keep you where you are.

[ffaux]

Thank you for your kind words D.Ace. You're right of course; I thought about taking up a sport or something too. And you're right, I have a lot of people I call my friends that I just need to reach out to. I just wish I had a group of like-minded friends I could hang out with on a regular basis so I felt like I had a strong support network. But this issue is complicated, AM6 is bringing up a lot of different things for me, I think feeling lonely is a deep seated childhood issue.

ION, I feel positive, almost grateful towards my ex. It's blowing my mind!

[D.Ace]

Thank you for your kind words D.Ace. You're right of course; I thought about taking up a sport or something too. And you're right, I have a lot of people I call my friends that I just need to reach out to.

It's good that you're aware of it and have in mind for the things to do. I hope the clouds in your head won't stop you to.

I just wish I had a group of like-minded friends I could hang out with on a regular basis so I felt like I had a strong support network.

Me too, having a group of like-minded is such a treasure.

But this issue is complicated, AM6 is bringing up a lot of different things for me, I think feeling lonely is a deep seated childhood issue.

The negativity you encounter might be indeed necessary for it's in the program to purge out whatever it is regarding the past life issue.
I wish you strength to keep going.

ION, I feel positive, almost grateful towards my ex. It's blowing my mind!

Now that sounds a little strange to me lol.

[ffaux]

It is now abundantly clear to me that the source of all of my resistance is denial. I have constructed a lot of beliefs to help protect my fragile ego. If my beliefs were to change I would need to face a lot of negative emotions as I face the truth. I fight this tooth and nail because it fucking hurts to face the truth.

To illustrate with an example, I protect myself from rejection through denial. When women are not interested in me I construct ambiguity where there is none through the belief that women sometimes play hard to get when they're actually interested. Complete self-delusion to protect myself from the reality that that woman finds me undesirable because the truth that women find me undesirable is too hard for my ego to bear.

I don't envy Shannon in helping us move past our ego-protection denial.

[ffaux]

I was extremely frustrated last night to learn that a lot of the hurt people have caused me is the result of dissonance between my self-image and how other people perceive me. I don't feel strong but other people treat me as if I'm strong which means they often go too far in trying to get through to me emotionally and end up hurting me instead. Why is it that listening to subliminal audio changes other peoples perception of me as self-confident but doesn't actually make me feel self-confident? What use is that?

[Darkness]

I have also felt a great loss of feelings for girls. To the point of sexual frigidity. On the homosexuality I think that the dreams are you processing a fear at the thought of being one, this is my theory. The AM6 sub doesn't have anything about homosexuality itself in the script.

I do sometimes feel a decrease of sexual feelings for girls. I don't like it. It feels dead

[terry44]

I have also felt a great loss of feelings for girls. To the point of sexual frigidity. On the homosexuality I think that the dreams are you processing a fear at the thought of being one, this is my theory. The AM6 sub doesn't have anything about homosexuality itself in the script.

I do sometimes feel a decrease of sexual feelings for girls. I don't like it. It feels dead

I feel it most of the time, but unlike you, I love it. I'm on my second run of AM6 now. LTU, E1 and E2 also had this effect to an extent and it's been cumulative. I think it's incredibly empowering to not feel the slightest bit needy about women. Very uplifting actually, for me anyway. This attitude is also getting me more attention and respect from women who are mostly extremely sensitive, and very averse, to neediness.

[ffaux]

My life has picked up so much momentum. I've got clear goals for the coming year and I'm working my ass off towards them. This is stage 5. I've felt this before.

Still feel bummed about girls but the emotional valence has significantly decreased now that I'm working towards my goals. It's time to launch. Girls will have to wait.

[ffaux]

It's surprising me how strong my victim mentality is. Thankfully I'm starting to see through it with AM6 but I can safely attribute all of my hurt from my most recent breakup to this victim mentality. When I reflect on the life I've lead I see just how disabling it has been to see myself as a victim and give myself self-pity. I'm not saying I was responsible in these situations but focusing on myself as the role of the victim has led me to spend more time than I ever should reflecting on the past and how unhappy it has made me.

[ffaux]

Stage 6

Woke up today to lots of shifts and releases particularly around women and what I want from them. I realised that I don't really care much about sex, never really have, I just want to give women my love. Being in love is such an amazing feeling and I just want to feel that with someone I can trust not to hurt me. But I think this is too much to ask from someone. Particularly in my case because of the intensity with which I feel and give love. I don't have a lot of restraint when it comes to my emotions so it might become overwhelming for someone on the receiving end. I need to find ways to love everyone instead of just one so that the intensity is diffused. How to do this however, I'm not so sure.

[changer]

Stage 6

I need to find ways to love everyone instead of just one so that the intensity is diffused. How to do this however, I'm not so sure.

When I read the quote I immediately thought of this:
"I need to find ways to love MYSELF instead of trying to project love (I dont feel for myself) onto someone else"
(it is kind of a reversal Byron Katie might do with her work).

Two weeks ago you postet about your fragile ego. I am not sure if a fragile ego always goes hand in hand with lack of self-love (guess so) and in that case you might want to work on that first. I think as soon as you love yourself deeply you are able to show others real love that is not overwhelming nor inappropriate.

I also poured a lot of love over my ex and expected her to love me back evenly. Sometimes she did and the world felt complete but when she didnt I felt like crap. Not a good position to be in. Its the behaviour of a clingy beta.

Being in love is such an amazing feeling and I just want to feel that with someone I can trust not to hurt me.

Wouldnt it be great if you constantly felt self-love? Because the only person who you can completly trust and that will never hurt you may in fact be yourself.

Or at least that is one of the goals of AM6, right?

But I think this is too much to ask from someone.

I think you attract people that match your own vibrancy. As soon as you are able to pour the deep love you want to give a woman first over yourself then you might attract women who love you just as much. And then you can love them from a position of already feeling great instead of needing them as a source of happiness.

Self love is a bullet point on the AM6 salespage. So you are already on your way.