alpha 4

[ffaux]

I had a major breakthrough in the early hours of the morning last night as I woke up from my sleep. I've been struggling to let go of my ex and my old friends because I want their approval. When I broke up with my ex she and my friends treated me like I was a bad person so I pushed them all away. Ever since then I've been questioning my own identity, almost self-destructing on multiple occasions and at one point almost turned to drugs, all just to cope with the dissonance between how I see myself (as a good person) and how my ex and my old friends were treating me (as a bad person). So I've silently been wanting their confirmation that I'm a good person and have silently been wanting their approval and therefore unable to let them go.

I have to let them go now. They have moved on so I have to set them free in my own heart and know who I am within myself and not seek validation and confirmation of my character outside of myself. But god damn this has been some heavy shit.

[ffaux]

Stage 4

[ffaux]

No wonder it is taking AM6 so long to change me. So much approval seeking!

[ffaux]

I have to confront my feelings of failure. If I look at any aspect of my life I'm not successful anywhere. There is potential and thanks to AM6 I'm now on the path of putting the work in where potential paves the way so things won't stay this way but right now things are grim and accepting it is a hard pill to swallow. Lots of trying to protect my ego by denying it.

Denial is a constant theme for me.

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I want to be admired, by women and people in general. It drives my behaviour. Presumably this is more approval seeking by me.

[ffaux]

I feel so lonely because I learned that I have no real friends when I broke down over my ex. No one was there for me to put an arm over my shoulder and make me feel alright, to make me feel loved, when I was hurting and crying over my ex. None of my friends reached out to me or checked up on me; I was completely alone with my grief and no one wanted to know if I was alright. I could have turned to my mom but who is going to be there for me when my mom is gone?

[ffaux]

It seems like every SM3 journal talks about the user thinking "Why do I care about women/sex? I have other more important priorities in life". I haven't yet seen an AM6 journal reflect the same sentiment and I haven't experienced it myself. 1. Are we talking about the same outcome/effect as I've just specified it when you say that it is included? AM6 doesn't seem to have this effect. 2. What causes this effect in the user in SM3? 3. Is AM6 designed to have this effect? 4. Why might it be that no one running AM6 has reported this effect?

The "Why do I care about women/sex? I have other more important priorities in life" response is a subconscious diversionary tactic designed to distract the user from and prevent achieving the goals of the program concerning sex and achieving it. AM6 doesn't have it because it is focused primarily on self improvement and growth. Neither is designed to have that effect; in AM6 it is a natural side effect of inward focus and growth to stop worrying about women and sex, but this is different because it's not a form of self sabotage.

[ffaux]

This article is important. Honest exposition of hypergamy by a female.

http://dailym.ai/2nEm3R2

[Darkness]

This article is important. Honest exposition of hypergamy by a female.

http://dailym.ai/2nEm3R2

Dude if one is more attractive one will have more attractive option that's for both man and woman alike. but it's up to you test and see if they're substantial.

Girls are fickle. Hypergamy or not.

[ffaux]

Confidence is low again. I have no money, no women and poor health.

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Becoming disillusioned by the dishonesty of women.

[ffaux]

I was laying in bed this morning resisting getting up, having flashbacks to when I was a kid and I had to get up even though I was exhausted and didn't want to. It was an obligation. Somehow this led me in to the realisation that so much of my life is just obligation. I had a visualisation of happiness and it was sitting in a park with a girl that I liked and just laughing and having fun. This version of me was happy and didn't feel obligation. I realised that I've turned all my goals into obligations and now I'm trying to control myself and push myself so that I see my goals through. It's making me miserable and being so controlling is taking away my freedom. How do I release this sense of obligation and pursue things because they make me happy…

[ffaux]

11. Refuse to justify actions that are not moving you forward, or accept that behavior from yourself.
12. Kill excuses and refuse to accept them from yourself or anyone else.

...

• Be in complete control of yourself and your environment...

These above goals are executing in stage 4. I think these goals were the source of a great deal of resistance and stress in previous runs because I hadn't completely accepted some of the preceding programming from stages 1-3 about self-love and self-forgiveness. I demanded too much from myself and wasn't prepared to demand less or forgive myself if I wasn't excelling. I was completely out of balance and life was really unpleasant. Lowering the perceptory pressure this run by lowering volume and hours has allowed me to accept the preceding programming but forgive myself if I need to take a break. This scripting probably needs some safety tuning in AM7.

In other news I'm continuing to heal from my ex and let go of my attachments to the situation (most recently to my anger and resentment). It's crazy how deep she hurt me. I can say without a doubt that I would have been a very damaged person for the rest of my life if it hadn't been for the healing in AM6. Thank you Shannon.

[ffaux]

Stage 5. 4 went quick.

I set some major life goals. The direction of my life is changing. I'm focused and motivated. I'm enjoying doing work. I'm learning a lot. Resistance to some part of stage 4 but I'll knock that out in my next run. I have lots of health issues, my primary focus has been on other things as a result. Will probably run MHS next.

[Frosted]

If you have sub tinnitus let me know if it gets better from mhs.

[ffaux]

If you have sub tinnitus let me know if it gets better from mhs.

I don't have tinnitus.

Stage 5 is described as extending concepts from stage 3 and 4. I'm learning that this doesn't mean that the growth is finished. I've been having dreams and regressions (resistance) more than in any previous stage this run. It feels good to grow. I thought I was done.

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Feeling suuuuuper needy.