08-31-2017, 09:15 PM
A big thing for is that I tend to take responsibility for other's feelings. Its good that the book provides several examples of this - I can relate so easily to some of them. Father was emotionally absent, and mother was/is definitely needy, and never has had much trouble making me feel bad in order to make herself feel better. Also just generally assuming that its good to do everything for me, even speak for me and speak about me as I wasn't right there. Yes of course she means well, but she was definitely expecting herself to be taken care of emotionally (not doing it herself). Prob daddy o was/is the same, and always acted angry and resentful because he was caretaking and resentful for not getting that caretaking back.
Just now at breakfast, the gf awoke late and she was running around the apartment very nervous, trying to get her things. The default reaction from me is to feel like she is attacking me, or is about to, and then defend against that, and in doing so actually cause it. Any irritation I sense in my presence, I interpret as potentially dangerous to me, and then I defend. It might be that if she's acting like that, then its likely that she might do something I don't like and ask me to do something I don't like, which would then require me to tell her something she wouldn't like, which would make her feel bad, which would make her blame me for it, which would make me feel bad. Or I'd not answer as I'd like and caretake her, which would lower my self-esteem thus also making me feel bad. So both options are for me to feel bad = attack on me -> defend.
It seems I just have to remind myself and repeat it until I also convince that child part of me that I am not responsible for other's emotional state, I'm only responsible to take care of me (child), and that if me not taking care of them results in them feeling bad/pain, then that pain is an opportunity for them to learn something and it would not be loving of me take that away from them (I'd be fooling them). I guess this will take some time. Gotta add thought that the gf did not actually give me any grief now when doing this, and it has worked before also. There was a time earlier when she was under heavy stress and was definitely leaning on me, but otherwise she is much more independent than some of my posts make her out to be. I think my default assumptions and the resulting protective behavior are what make it come about more. Anyway, feels freeing to have the permission from myself to disconnect. If she does act out at some point, then it will be my adult's job to analyze the situation and tell her that I'm not available for that kind of abuse, and we can talk about any real issues a little later. I'll also get a change to practice this part with me mummy very soon. Usually now as she makes shitty demands of me, my default response is just to be extremely blunt in an angry way in the hopes that the weight of it would make her consider it more. But she's pretty resistant to that it seems. And it makes me feel a little shitty, and very closed off. I'll have to explore some different approaches.
Just now at breakfast, the gf awoke late and she was running around the apartment very nervous, trying to get her things. The default reaction from me is to feel like she is attacking me, or is about to, and then defend against that, and in doing so actually cause it. Any irritation I sense in my presence, I interpret as potentially dangerous to me, and then I defend. It might be that if she's acting like that, then its likely that she might do something I don't like and ask me to do something I don't like, which would then require me to tell her something she wouldn't like, which would make her feel bad, which would make her blame me for it, which would make me feel bad. Or I'd not answer as I'd like and caretake her, which would lower my self-esteem thus also making me feel bad. So both options are for me to feel bad = attack on me -> defend.
It seems I just have to remind myself and repeat it until I also convince that child part of me that I am not responsible for other's emotional state, I'm only responsible to take care of me (child), and that if me not taking care of them results in them feeling bad/pain, then that pain is an opportunity for them to learn something and it would not be loving of me take that away from them (I'd be fooling them). I guess this will take some time. Gotta add thought that the gf did not actually give me any grief now when doing this, and it has worked before also. There was a time earlier when she was under heavy stress and was definitely leaning on me, but otherwise she is much more independent than some of my posts make her out to be. I think my default assumptions and the resulting protective behavior are what make it come about more. Anyway, feels freeing to have the permission from myself to disconnect. If she does act out at some point, then it will be my adult's job to analyze the situation and tell her that I'm not available for that kind of abuse, and we can talk about any real issues a little later. I'll also get a change to practice this part with me mummy very soon. Usually now as she makes shitty demands of me, my default response is just to be extremely blunt in an angry way in the hopes that the weight of it would make her consider it more. But she's pretty resistant to that it seems. And it makes me feel a little shitty, and very closed off. I'll have to explore some different approaches.
